Distress signals

[1234567]

One of the things I struggle with the most processing my time in poly is the whole “ignoring distress signals” dynamic.

Because at best, it is complicated.

If one partner is distressed — if it only affects two people, you can focus on it fairly well, as long as self care is possible for the non-affected person.

But if one is distressed and it would be unfair on a meta to either address it there or change course because of it— you have a dilemma. Sometimes it is fair to address the most distressed. Sometimes fair to go with “whose time is it”. But it’s not fair to have a double standard- one partner always wins if more distressed, and the same always wins if they are the one present. Or one always IS more distressed- not distressed for THEM.

And therefore one always gets addressed if they show: more distressed, are present, or show any distress, and the second only gets addressed if there is no competing distress from the first.

Often, I was the partner whose distress signals were ignored in favor of other people.

My distress signals are fairly subtle, my tendency to self-manage high, and the result of ignoring the distress signals is an inability to maintain connection (and feeling it as trauma) if they are ignored.

I think that lost out in the one attempted equal relationship I tried because ignoring the distress signals of my meta was a lot more dramatic.

And in some of the hierarchal ones, there is an understanding that distress signals from someone lower down are understood to be ignorable.

I’m doing processing around this, and would love to know what worked and felt good for all parties for other poly groups.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi 1234567,

I don't think distress signals should be ignored. Both distressed parties should be addressed in a way that is good and fair to both distressed parties. Even if one of them is a secondary, secondaries have rights too. That's how it's always been in my V, distress signals are always tended to, no matter who feels the distress. All three of us try to work together as a team, we do not try to compete with each other.

It is not okay for a metamour to get preferential treatment by complaining louder or with more drama. For the record.

Kind regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Vicki82]

Often, I was the partner whose distress signals were ignored in favor of other people.

My distress signals are fairly subtle, my tendency to self-manage high, and the result of ignoring the distress signals is an inability to maintain connection (and feeling it as trauma) if they are ignored.

I'm rather curious what you mean by "distress signals". In my relationships, I prefer clear communication. I am not a mind reader. If my partner was exhibiting subtle distress signals, I could very easily miss them with no ill intentions whatsoever. To me, it's the onus of the person experiencing the distress to ensure that they are actively communicating that emotion.

 

[rosephase]

In my relationships if someone is in need and asks for help I do my best to help them. I feel like all of my partners support that. But they trust each other not to be destressed and Need Support without it being a real tangible need. So if something that hard has come up for them my other partners are understanding and supporting even if it means losing some time or attention. But I think it’s that easy simply because it rarely happens... because the destress isn’t-about- how I spend my time or my other relationships. So when my partner had to put his cat down my other partner supports me in shifting my time and energy towards the person in need.

If spending time with the other partner was the thing causing my partner stress? I would expect them to manage it until we had shared time to address it with me. And I might ignore sublet ‘hints’ of unhappiness until we have a good time to talk. Not being comfortable with how I spend my time is a long complicated issue that I won’t drop what I’m currently doing to address. That feels somewhat pointless and reaffirming behavior that I don’t like. If acting out gets my focused attention then I’m teaching my partners to act out to get my focus. And I don’t enjoy that at all.

 

[Tinwen]

My distress signals are fairly subtle, my tendency to self-manage high, and the result of ignoring the distress signals is an inability to maintain connection (and feeling it as trauma) if they are ignored.

If this is what you know about yourself, I think you could focus on expressing your distress more directly & also ask partners to help you with it by asking what's wrong when they notice subtle signals.

There are people for whom the opposite is true: they could do more self-management, they don't have to be so loud.

But for you, voicing even the concerns which you don't feel comfortable voicing currently seems to be the way to go.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I had some trouble understanding what you are asking. Because it's like you are writing about something that happened to you but you write about it in a "keep it arms distance" kinda way.

Let me try guessing in my own words and you tell me if I am close ok? I quote just to visually block it off.

I used to be in a poly V. Me, Hippo (Hinge) and Mango (Meta.) (<-- I'm happy to go with generic names you pick, I'm just picking random. )

Hippo the hinge? Would sometimes ignore it when I was showing distress signals. Instead of helping me, Hippo would go attend to Mango.

I'm not a dramatic person. When I get ignored or neglected, I tend to be fairly subtle. Like I sit and stew on the inside but not much shows on the outside so people cannot always tell that I'm upset.

Mango is a dramatic person/Queen Bee type person. All attention must be on them. EVERYONE knows when Mango is upset.

Whenever Mango shows genuine distress, Hippo goes running to attend to them. I'm ok with that, if we're going with "who is having the emergency? Take care of them first."

If Hippo tries to attend to me having an emergency? Mango has a cow about that if it is their date night. They make drama. So then Hippo has to attend to Mango having a "manufactured cow" when it's me who is having a real struggle. That's doesn't feel right to me.

Because I could be ok with "well, date nite person takes priority, and I'll come to you as soon as date is over to help with emergency. In meanwhile, call 911, friend, or sit tight depending on level of emergency." Or I could be ok with "usually date night is the priority when all is well, but if emergency then the distressed person has to take priority and no making "manufactured cows."

But it’s not fair to have it be "Mango always first/wins."

• If it is Mango's date nite, then it is Mango first.
• If it is Mango having an actual emergency, it is Mango first.
• If I am having an emergency and then Mango manufactures a cow to prevent hinge from helping me? It's going to be Mango first.

Because Mango makes more "noise" and makes Hippo's life hell if Hippo does not put them first.

I have a problem with how Hippo handles Hippo's priorities.

I have a problem with how Hippo handles Mango things.

I want to know how other people sort that out in their networks.

• If it's just two people in the network, and I can do my self care, I can help attend to my partner. Or the other way around. Nobody is overburdened or neglected.

• In some of the hierarchal networks, there is an understanding that distress signals from someone lower down are understood to be ignorable.

What works and feels good in a poly network that is supposed to be more like a co-primary V? What about other shapes?

Is that what you are asking?

Galagirl

 

[MayDecember]

You have to be clear.

Some people send "signals" others have to interpret instead of just saying "I am not into this" or whatever.

You can't blame other people for not seeing smoke signals and using the international smoke-signal translation app.

Doesn't it amount to self respect? If you don't set boundaries and enforce them, people are going to walk all over you.