Do the Situations Change for Long-Term Poly People?

L

LizziE

New member
I've been wondering about something lately. It seems like many of the stories and problems here are told/presented by people who are either new to being polyamorous and/or have begun dating someone who is new to being polyamorous. And many of them deal with those feelings of being afraid of a beloved spouse and/or partner of many years becoming emotionally and physically intimate with a new person. There seems to often be a lot of jealousy and insecurity and fear of being abandoned. That all makes sense to me, especially as it seems like a lot of people get into polyamory because an established partner has come out and said that s/he feels that they are polyamorous, or need to try to be poly to be happy.

For people who have been polyamorous for, let's say 5+ years and start dating other people have been polyamorous for 5+ years do the problems change? Are there less of them? Do things like jealousy and handling NRE and handling a partner having sex with someone new get easier after they've been experienced a few times?

Part of why I'm curious is because I deliberately decided to start living polyamorously when I wasn't romantically involved with anybody. I did have a person in my life, Rachel, who I loved fiercely and for awhile we had a non-romantic partnership. Beyond Rachel, I also dated (more casually) several polyamorous old-hats - my experience with those partners was extremely smooth. None of those partners and I had a deeply intense spark - we liked each other lots, and we had really good chemistry, but we were happy casually dating and fucking and enjoying each other's company without completely rearranging our lives for each other. For the ones who already had a primary or anchor partner, the primary and/or anchor and I got along anywhere from well enough to be function to great. There wasn't any friction.

Is that more "normal" when everybody involved has had a few polyamorous relationships? Or might it possibly depend on exactly how the new relationship evolves? I would imagine that even someone who has been partnered and polyamorous for years might feel stress/fear/uncertainly if most of the polyamorous experiences they've had with their partner were "We meet people we enjoy dating. We date those people for a few months/years. We drift apart from them because we had a really good connection, but not an intense 'I must keep this person in my life forever' connection" vs having a partner meet someone and eventually saying "I think this person is hugely important to me, and I want to combine households/share the rest of my life with you AND this person".

Thoughts? Insights?
 
Hi Liz,

It makes sense to say that practice and experience will make a thing easier, whether it's polyamory or piano playing or whatever. I can't confirm that about dating as I am in a closed V and well, don't date. However, I can tell you my V had many challenges and troubles during our first few years together, and things did get easier over time. Today we have a quiet and drama-free life together. So, I assume that getting more experience at poly dating also results in things running more smoothly. Getting used to what everyone's needs are, and how to meet them, I'm sure helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The first year with sam was very challenging. Me having a boyfriend was very hard on nate. Things eventually mellowed out. Also the fact that i don't want more kids (I have 4 kids ranging from 2 to 16) was hard for sam and he knew that he's not poly and that if he went looking for a partner to have a kid with he'd leave. I really struggled with dealing with nate's insecurity and his poor treatment of me because of it and the fact that sam wants a child and I felt like staying with him and preventing that dream was wrong. I had also got on hormonal birth control for several months and that really messed me up mentally which exasperated everything.

But it finally mellowed out. Nate feels secure, He's dating a woman he was seeing last fall and because he's been treating me better I've been able to let go of past hurt and began becoming inclusive again. Sam has accepted that I don't want more kids.
 
It's hard for me to know what changes over time vs. what's dependent on the situation/relationship. The things that come up in my relationship with Jack are hugely different than the things that come up with Roger and Taylor, but there are a bunch of contributing factors. I'll note that Jack and Taylor were the first people that Roger and I dated since opening up (and we didn't even know what polyamory was when we started).

I've been dating Jack for several years now, but it moved pretty slowly, as we went from FWB to casually dating to serious relationship while being long distance. We're pretty wrapped up in NRE right now. He, Roger, and I are looking towards moving in together in less than a year. Roger and Jack have been good friends for many years and are two of those people who were born without a jealous bone in their body (well almost to that level, but they're both naturals at this relationship model). The three of us hang out together comfortably and spend our time now processing what it might be like to live together and figuring out the details of that. I'm still working on how I might grow as a hinge when we're all in the same place.

Comparatively, Roger and Taylor have been dating for less than a year. It was a VERY bumpy road for Roger and me at first, dealing with lots of problems with Roger's NRE clouding some of his decision making, me learning how to be more clear in my communication, him learning how to be a hinge, their relationship moving VERY fast, etc. I'm definitely in a much better place now, but I'm still dealing with some jealousy and learning to embrace my free time, which feel normal for adjusting to polyamory. But there are lots of other factors - I have struggled with jealousy quite a bit in the past, I didn't know Taylor at all before they started dating, we don't have much in common, we don't spend time just the two of us (and Taylor's hesitant to spend time with the three of us - partially related to anxiety, partially may not be interested in that dynamic), etc. Roger jokes with me that he's getting to be an expert at this hinge stuff and that I'm in for a world of growth once Jack, Roger, and I live together. :rolleyes:

So I'm not sure how much time played a factor in all this or being established as polyamorous. The differences in relationships have definitely had a big impact and I'm hopeful that things will become more comfortable over time with Taylor. We're moving in that direction.
 
We've been poly for a long time, and we've tried several variations throughout the years. Our experience has been that any time you add a new relationship, there will be an adjustment period. New relationship energy can be very trying on an older, established relationship. Plus, you have to find what works for each relationship. Let's face it, not every person or relationship has the same needs. It takes time to find out what the ebb and flow needs to be before things settle into a drama-free, happy zone. It can happen though. :D
 
Naturally, and for lots of reasons.

Some people slip into adulthood with their shit together, but most people need time to figure it all out, especially if they have to undo tons of programming from their formative years.

I think there's also a sink-or-swim factor. After a while, you either figure out how to be happy in poly, or you bail on the attempt.

Hubby and I have been nominally poly since the beginning (2006), though we took a few years to get established before really acting on it (after the people we'd been kinda-sorta seeing when we met naturally drifted off as casuals are wont to do). It was really when I met Auto in 2012 that we actually started practising. Hubby had to do some work to get good with the whole arrangement, but he did that, and it's been a pretty stable, almost boring, situation ever since. None of us are drama prone, we're all pretty good at talking things out, and we've all dealt with the worst of our childhood issues and are committed to that whole lifelong self-improvement journey mumbo jumbo ;)
 
SchrodingersCat said:
I think there's also a sink-or-swim factor. After a while, you either figure out how to be happy in poly, or you bail on the attempt.
Click to expand...

I feel like that should be put onto a tee shirt, and also used to describe how life generally works. You figure out how to be happy in it, or you bail on the attempt.
 
We have had a couple of attempts before that didn't work out. I used to think it was because people were new to poly, now I think it in more the people we chose and also not being clear from the start. My boyfriend is a wonderful person who goes along very well with my husband. Plus the way I introduced my boyfriend to poly was very early, honest and upfront. Now I have dated him almost two years. We plan to stay together for our future. Most of the issues we have are because we are a fairly new couple, not because of poly. My husband think my boyfriend is great. This is my life now.
 
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