Do you know your love language and does it matter?

clemenC

Member
So I ask this because in my experience I find it totally matters! I find when I don't get the feedback (those that are high on my love lang) I feel very forgotten and as if the other person is not interested, even if they are!

I was curious what other people's thoughts are about love language theory and if they've struggled in relationships before with other people who spoke a different "language". :)
 
You want to know what people's thoughts are about The Five Love Languages? It's very popular around here!

The search function is your friend! Please make use of it. If you do a search before posting, you will usually find numerous threads on most topics in which you are interested.

Love Languages are discussed in many, many threads here, but the ones below are mostly dedicated to it (except the last one which talks about Meyers-Briggs and other systems of categorization as well as Love Languages):

Love Language Profile

Love Language: Gifts

Myers Briggs and polyamory.
 
I am a huge fan of the Love Languages and have found staying aware of them to be very useful in all of my relationships, not just with romantic partners. I try to make sure I touch on all 5 when giving my love to others.

They really do offer a lot of insight :)
 
My major LL is "Quality Time", and it definitely impacts my relationship with my partner... in fact, it influenced one of the first "must-haves" that I need to continue in our relationship, and that's a schedule with enough time with my partner for it to actually *feel* like a partnership and not something more casual.

Basically, 50% of his time is the least I can handle before I start getting so time-hoardy with him - clingy as hell during the time we do have together... or I start distancing myself emotionally because it's *hard*, and it makes it that much harder to reconnect when we are together. Less than that would mean our relationship is untenable.

Now, QT isn't one of his highest love languages *at all*, so it's been a difficult road for him, getting used to a calendar (he's always been more of a "leaf on the wind" type, and that really REALLY wasn't working early in our relationship - I was always wondering if there *would* be a next time that he was here, because he wouldn't commit to when he'd be back). The calendar is still a necessary evil for us at times, but we've gotten a bit more in the groove about using it.

Luckily, my second-highest LL is also up there on his list: Physical Touch. We can *both* relate by hand-holding, snuggling, etc., in addition to "bedroom activities". I think having *something* in common certainly helps.
 
You want to know what people's thoughts are about The Five Love Languages? It's very popular around here!

The search function is your friend! Please make use of it. If you do a search before posting, you will usually find numerous threads on most topics in which you are interested.

Love Languages are discussed in many, many threads here, but the ones below are mostly dedicated to it (except the last one which talks about Meyers-Briggs and other systems of categorization as well as Love Languages):

Love Language Profile

Love Language: Gifts

Myers Briggs and polyamory.


Thank you for the resources! However may I just say, I'm noticing a theme here. No matter what I post, a thread has already been made (and while that resource is most appreciated, if I only looked up old threads, I wouldn't be very active here would I ). So my point is, do you want people who are new not to be active and only rely on old threads for insight? How would I get to know any of the people here if I'm not active. And if I'm active on old threads, I'm given a hard time for reviving old threads. It is not my intention to be argumentative at all! However, I'm posing the question: what is this forum for if not to be an active participant? How is it beneficial to interact with old threads that are opinions from people who might have gained wisdom since then? What tips might you have, for me to have questions answered, while still interacting? If I only threw in my 2 cents on old threads and answered my questions via old threads, is that what you would prefer me do? Because so far, I feel as if you're quick to point this out to me every time I post. That the discussion has been had already. What are you feeling when you come across a new thread that's already been covered? Is it irritating to you and that's why you point to references ?

I prefer not to make presumptions about your intentions. My intentions is to be an active participant. I've found most here welcoming. If every time I post I get a post saying, this has already been covered, it's not very welcoming and comes off as if I've been ignorant to some social etiquette I'm not aware of. Please clarify your intentions if you can. I would appreciate it since it's not my intention to presume I know what those intentions are.
 
Old threads get bumped all the time - that's ok here. :)

My love language is physical touch and it is super important. Honestly, it's a major reason why my recent breakup happened. If you can't meet my need for contact, a relationship with me won't work out.
 
My major LL is "Quality Time", and it definitely impacts my relationship with my partner... in fact, it influenced one of the first "must-haves" that I need to continue in our relationship, and that's a schedule with enough time with my partner for it to actually *feel* like a partnership and not something more casual.

This is my current dilemma. I'm dating others but seeing one person who doesn't give much QT for me at all and I'm struggling with feeling like some person on the side, like a fuck buddy pretty much. Not sure if I'm being jerked around because I've communicated my lack of interest in words as a LL. But that's all I've been getting. So I'm struggling. I hate to part ways on account of not being able to be at peace without getting the QT I want.

Plus it's fairly new still so I'm feeling a little out of place. How do I communicate my needs? (Partially a rhetorical question). I see them soon and hope to do my best to say something. I just don't want to come off as 'time hoardy' (which btw, is an awesome new word! Lol). :)
 
Thank you for the resources! However may I just say, I'm noticing a theme here. No matter what I post, a thread has already been made (and while that resource is most appreciated, if I only looked up old threads, I wouldn't be very active here would I ). So my point is, do you want people who are new not to be active and only rely on old threads for insight? How would I get to know any of the people here if I'm not active. And if I'm active on old threads, I'm given a hard time for reviving old threads. It is not my intention to be argumentative at all! However, I'm posing the question: what is this forum for if not to be an active participant? How is it beneficial to interact with old threads that are opinions from people who might have gained wisdom since then? What tips might you have, for me to have questions answered, while still interacting? If I only threw in my 2 cents on old threads and answered my questions via old threads, is that what you would prefer me do? Because so far, I feel as if you're quick to point this out to me every time I post. That the discussion has been had already. What are you feeling when you come across a new thread that's already been covered? Is it irritating to you and that's why you point to references ?

I prefer not to make presumptions about your intentions. My intentions is to be an active participant. I've found most here welcoming. If every time I post I get a post saying, this has already been covered, it's not very welcoming and comes off as if I've been ignorant to some social etiquette I'm not aware of. Please clarify your intentions if you can. I would appreciate it since it's not my intention to presume I know what those intentions are.

Some folks have preferences about this, but I think that the general opinion of the admins is (again more of a preference): Search your topic, and feel free to revive an older thread with a new perspective or reopen the discussion on it, if you feel like talking about it today.

Some posters get annoyed at "thread-necromancy" and some posters get annoyed at the "every few months ANOTHER thread on the SAME subject comes up and it's redundant." That is a matter of personal preference, there is no need to make everyone happy and face an "I can't win" feeling each time.

Also, when a poster like nycindie shares links to the older posts, it has the effect of aggregating information into the most current (this) thread, even if we continue to discuss here. :)
 
Old threads get bumped all the time - that's ok here. :)

My love language is physical touch and it is super important. Honestly, it's a major reason why my recent breakup happened. If you can't meet my need for contact, a relationship with me won't work out.

Thanks :)

For me physical is high too but without that QT, it's starting to feel cheap. :/

How have you (or others reading) resolved conflicts with not getting the most desired feedback? Did you just end the relationships or devalue its relevance to your inner life? (Hope that made sense).
 
Some folks have preferences about this, but I think that the general opinion of the admins is (again more of a preference): Search your topic, and feel free to revive an older thread with a new perspective or reopen the discussion on it, if you feel like talking about it today.

Some posters get annoyed at "thread-necromancy" and some posters get annoyed at the "every few months ANOTHER thread on the SAME subject comes up and it's redundant." That is a matter of personal preference, there is no need to make everyone happy and face an "I can't win" feeling each time.

Also, when a poster like nycindie shares links to the older posts, it has the effect of aggregating information into the most current (this) thread, even if we continue to discuss here. :)

Thank you for the clarification :)

I used to be active on another forum some years ago and the new people always got roasted for starting 'common' threads. That always bothered me and I would post a reply and assure them it's okay. Thing is, some people would get annoyed as if it was "their" forum since they've been users on it so long. Only that it's everyone's forum (in a sense) and I'm one of those annoying harmony let's all get along and be kind types. Lol! Interesting enough, I'm that temperament that irritates those who are staunch followers of "procedure".

I will however, do my best, to do that. My only disclaimer is that please be patient because, not all people connect by following the rules. (Rules being used loosely of course). Moral of the story: I'm gonna try. Not looking to irritate the regulars/folks.
 
This is my current dilemma. I'm dating others but seeing one person who doesn't give much QT for me at all and I'm struggling with feeling like some person on the side, like a fuck buddy pretty much. Not sure if I'm being jerked around because I've communicated my lack of interest in words as a LL. But that's all I've been getting. So I'm struggling. I hate to part ways on account of not being able to be at peace without getting the QT I want.

Plus it's fairly new still so I'm feeling a little out of place. How do I communicate my needs? (Partially a rhetorical question). I see them soon and hope to do my best to say something. I just don't want to come off as 'time hoardy' (which btw, is an awesome new word! Lol). :)

Honestly, I laid it out as best as I could, and said "I need this." We figured out the mechanics, but he was willing to meet my need. If he hadn't been, then the relationship really wouldn't have worked, and it'd have been best to end it then anyway.

I don't see asking for what you need as "time hoardy" (heh :D ), but when I get that way, I get antsy about anything that seems like we're "wasting" our time together. I get anxious about when our time together will end. When we're not together, I ruminate on it. And that anxiety causes me to fall out of enjoying the moment, in favor of worrying about when that moment will be over. Not fun. Usually when I get all antsy like that, we need a good amount of time together to reconnect (we usually take a trip for a few days in January, which helps offset the holiday craziness).

That said, physical touch was my second-place LL, but for me, it comes part and parcel with the quality time - holding hands while together, snuggling up on the couch, being all wrapped around each other at night. It doesn't have to be about sex (and I prefer the non-sexual touch *before* getting into the bedroom). But you can't touch if you're not together.
 
As for Love Languages, I took one of the tests and I found some of the questions not accurate for my take on things, and it's like overall the concept is good but the execution and taking it in a rigid fashion I don't like.

My ex and I spoke utterly different love languages. He was extremely needy and wanted me to need him in order for him to feel loved. I was a caretaker, and very supportive and giving and I needed to feel that energy given back, to feel loved.

Ex: "I NEED you and can't live without you!"
Me: "I know all of your likes and preferences and do what I can to provide them. I put you ahead of myself."
Ex: "I don't feel needed or wanted."
Me: "I don't feel that my needs or wants are valid, or matter to you."

It's like we both tried to express love but we were not only speaking different languages, we lived on different parallel planes of reality that never quite connected.

So my results from the actual test, just what I remember...

Words of Affirmation (way out in front)

Touch & Quality Time (so close they almost tied, and not far from Words.)

Gifts (In a more distant 4th place.)

Acts of Service (Way down at the bottom.)

However, it's accurate but...not. Words should be on top because even if all of the rest is lacking, if someone says the right things to me I can be reassured and my doubts eased and continue in the relationship, so long as I have cause to trust and actions don't clash badly with words in my history with that person.

Touch and Time are very important. Those two in fact define how I separate "relationships" from friendships. I make more time in my life the more relationship-invested I feel to someone, and if touch and more specifically sex aren't happening, or the interest doesn't seem to be there for that, I feel like we're drifting into a friend place. Which isn't a bad thing, I don't consider my friends to be unimportant or not valued, it's just the parameters are different.

The main thing I take issue with is the Gifts questions. They present generic Gifts, repeat words like "a small gift". The NATURE of the gift, can make ALL the difference to me. A partner who gives me something I don't particularly care for, like gold or diamonds, will get apathy or scorn from me. One who gives me something that says, "I know you" like something cool and nerdy, a piece of art, or even a favorite food of mine...big accolades!

So gifting...it's valuable if it's a form of validation. I know and like you. Not "I wanted to be giving, here is a Thing." The best gifts combine the character of both giver and recipient, and in a way, celebrate the relationship itself.

Acts of Service does belong at the bottom for me. I don't want anyone doing my dishes or grocery shopping because I am particular about how those things get done. And when others do things for me, I often feel like a burden, or uncomfortably obligated to find a way to repay the effort. Or like I then HAVE to feel or act more loving to them, because they did this thing and I've got to repay them, if I don't love them enough, I'm ungrateful. I've had too many acts of service "thrown in my face" and held against me as leverage in the past.
 
Honestly, I laid it out as best as I could, and said "I need this." We figured out the mechanics, but he was willing to meet my need. If he hadn't been, then the relationship really wouldn't have worked, and it'd have been best to end it then anyway.

I don't see asking for what you need as "time hoardy" (heh :D ), but when I get that way, I get antsy about anything that seems like we're "wasting" our time together. I get anxious about when our time together will end. When we're not together, I ruminate on it. And that anxiety causes me to fall out of enjoying the moment, in favor of worrying about when that moment will be over. Not fun. Usually when I get all antsy like that, we need a good amount of time together to reconnect (we usually take a trip for a few days in January, which helps offset the holiday craziness).

That said, physical touch was my second-place LL, but for me, it comes part and parcel with the quality time - holding hands while together, snuggling up on the couch, being all wrapped around each other at night. It doesn't have to be about sex (and I prefer the non-sexual touch *before* getting into the bedroom). But you can't touch if you're not together.

This is SO me! Lol, seriously. The anxiety is too much. And I don't have time to be overthinking. If I didn't like him so much I would end it on account of not having time to be put in a position where I'm overthinking. I guess you're right and I'll spit it out and see where it goes. Thank you so much for sharing and the feedback! :)
 
I tried taking a love languages survey once and I really didn't like it and didn't like the result. For one, it pitted them against each other "would you rather X or Y" vs just asking if X and/or Y were important to me. But also, I didn't like the way gifts was portrayed. I love getting gifts, but I don't care about whether they're expensive. What I care about is that a partner remembered my interests and the things that I like and actually thought about me when they were out doing whatever and thought to bring me a little something that would put a smile on my face. I felt like the questions more just reflected a tone of "do you want someone to spend money on you" so it didn't end up ranking high for me. While I still know it's not as important to me as other things, I know enough about myself to know that I don't like how it feels when I *don't* get something for valentine's day, or a birthday, or an anniversary. But I also just like little surprises and thoughtful gestures. Sometimes it is an act of service, sometimes it is a gift. Both are great! I'm a gift giver and was raised in a gift giving family, so I like it. But the questions were just, blah!


As for the whole raising of an old thread issue, I think it's great when people raise an old thread over a topic that clearly has no timeline, like this. People can discuss love languages forever. What to me, is annoying, is when people revive an advice thread about a particular situation that they know would be resolved by now or not relevant. If someone had X relationship issue 2 years ago, don't bring it back up with what you (the collective "you") think they should do to handle it... that just makes no sense!
 
I tried taking a love languages survey once and I really didn't like it and didn't like the result. For one, it pitted them against each other "would you rather X or Y" vs just asking if X and/or Y were important to me. But also, I didn't like the way gifts was portrayed. I love getting gifts, but I don't care about whether they're expensive. What I care about is that a partner remembered my interests and the things that I like and actually thought about me when they were out doing whatever and thought to bring me a little something that would put a smile on my face. I felt like the questions more just reflected a tone of "do you want someone to spend money on you" so it didn't end up ranking high for me. While I still know it's not as important to me as other things, I know enough about myself to know that I don't like how it feels when I *don't* get something for valentine's day, or a birthday, or an anniversary. But I also just like little surprises and thoughtful gestures. Sometimes it is an act of service, sometimes it is a gift. Both are great! I'm a gift giver and was raised in a gift giving family, so I like it. But the questions were just, blah!


As for the whole raising of an old thread issue, I think it's great when people raise an old thread over a topic that clearly has no timeline, like this. People can discuss love languages forever. What to me, is annoying, is when people revive an advice thread about a particular situation that they know would be resolved by now or not relevant. If someone had X relationship issue 2 years ago, don't bring it back up with what you (the collective "you") think they should do to handle it... that just makes no sense!

RE Paragraph #1: Yeah, totally. I thought the exact same thing. Pick up my favorite candy bar and hand it to me. Those jewelry commercials "He went to Jared" make me stabby. NO. Does that make me a cheap date? Perhaps.

RE Paragraph #2: The only time that would make sense (advice threads) was if a person had a VERY similar situation and the original problem, particular posts of advice, presented as resonating STRONGLY to their own current affairs, and especially if they could then follow through with an additional question of their own. "I had the same issue. Post #25 by breathemusic was great advice and really spoke to me. But I still have a question about .... " That I'd get. But offering advice speaking to an OP from months or years back? Not so much.
 
For me, knowing my partner's love languages is super helpful. Whenever I get hung up on my needs not getting met, I can step back and recognize that they ARE showing me that I'm loved and valued, in a way that is meaningful to THEM.
 
For me, knowing my partner's love languages is super helpful. Whenever I get hung up on my needs not getting met, I can step back and recognize that they ARE showing me that I'm loved and valued, in a way that is meaningful to THEM.

^^^ Yes! This is huge, too. It's not just about my love languages, it's trying to understand his a bit better (Chops' main one was Words of Affirmation, I believe, although it was close to Physical Touch).

I have difficulty believing words when I feel that actions aren't showing me the same thing - early in our relationship, I could NOT get my head around him saying "I miss you; I want to be with you" while choosing to spend time with his OSO. I really do have to work at understanding his love language, and understanding that even though I may not interpret things the same way, his words are very important to him. As are mine. When I start feeling distant and pull away (because I haven't seen him in a while), that leads to *him* feeling that distance since he's not hearing from me as often - which leads to a heck of a vicious circle of feeling detached from each other. Not good.
 
How have you (or others reading) resolved conflicts with not getting the most desired feedback? Did you just end the relationships or devalue its relevance to your inner life? (Hope that made sense).

If I don't get my most desired feedback, I try to suss out why. Is the person honestly giving me the best that they can? And if it is the best that they can, will that work for me short term? Is this something that will change? And if not, what other options are there?

With the ending of my relationship with my boyfriend, I tried very hard at first to make him understand that physical touch was a need for me. Physical touch isn't something that I can just devalue and pretend that it isn't important. When his sex drive disappeared, I tried to find other outlets for meeting that need for me (get it from my husbands). It wasn't the best, but I was surviving ok while he worked on his mental health issues. When the no sex also turned into no kissing, no affection in public and just pats on the head at home, I had to finally admit to myself that a completely platonic friend-zone sort of relationship would not work for me at all, and especially not as a primary one.

Now, as more of a success story - I had the same issue with my husband DarkKnight. He isn't a physical touch kind of guy, and he doesn't desire sex as often (once a week, maybe). I understand that his love language is Acts of Service, so I try to keep that in mind and give him opportunities to show his love that way for me - he makes me tea and brings me my thyroid medicine every morning at 9 am, for example. He is very communicative to me that he understands my love language and does the best that he can to meet that need, even though it isn't as important to him personally.
 
Thank you for the resources! However may I just say, I'm noticing a theme here. No matter what I post, a thread has already been made (and while that resource is most appreciated, if I only looked up old threads, I wouldn't be very active here would I ). So my point is, do you want people who are new not to be active and only rely on old threads for insight? How would I get to know any of the people here if I'm not active. And if I'm active on old threads, I'm given a hard time for reviving old threads. It is not my intention to be argumentative at all! However, I'm posing the question: what is this forum for if not to be an active participant? How is it beneficial to interact with old threads that are opinions from people who might have gained wisdom since then? What tips might you have, for me to have questions answered, while still interacting? If I only threw in my 2 cents on old threads and answered my questions via old threads, is that what you would prefer me do? Because so far, I feel as if you're quick to point this out to me every time I post. That the discussion has been had already. What are you feeling when you come across a new thread that's already been covered? Is it irritating to you and that's why you point to references ?

I prefer not to make presumptions about your intentions. My intentions is to be an active participant. I've found most here welcoming. If every time I post I get a post saying, this has already been covered, it's not very welcoming and comes off as if I've been ignorant to some social etiquette I'm not aware of. Please clarify your intentions if you can. I would appreciate it since it's not my intention to presume I know what those intentions are.

I suggest newer folks to the forum learn to use the search function for a couple of reasons. First, the same, or similar, types of questions do come up a lot. Reading older threads makes it very clear that people are not alone in their concerns. I think this is very valuable. Second, I've personally responded to questions quite a bit in older threads. I don't always feel like essentially repeating myself. Others don't mind doing that. It's a personal call. Finally, if someone seem unwilling to search and read some older threads about their concerns, I'm not interested in doing their work for them. I perceive doing a search and reading some older threads as minimal effort kind of thing and if someone just wants to have the answers delivered to their thread, I lose interest and don't bother to respond. I consider it a waste of my time. I recognize this is judgmental of me. I'm fine being judgmental about where to put my time and effort.

ClemenC, I don't perceive you as being in the last category. You've clearly taken a dive into the forum and that's great. I'm glad it's been at least somewhat useful. I don't mind when older threads are revived.

I am considering your point about offering how to do a search may feel unwelcoming. I try to be welcoming at the same time as including information on how to search but I can see how that can occur. (It's not super obvious - that's why I go into it in a little detail as the forum has a significant learning curve on the various features.) I'm not sure if it is enough for me to change how I do things though. I think about how my words might be received by others and I attempt to be as clear as I can. But beyond that, I just don't feel responsible for possible emotional responses.
 
And now to answer the question! I find the love language idea helpful, despite the monogamous, heterosexual and Christian focus of the author. I basically use what I can and ignore the trappings. I think the basic idea that we receive love in different ways, and may not be always be able to perceive the love others show for us, if they do so in a way that we don't perceive. That idea alone is powerful and can really shift how one thinks about relationships.

I'm primarily a Quality Time person. I need time with another to build intimacy, to get to know each other. Without it, I wither in a relationship. I need to be around a beloved at least once a week, more is preferable if possible. (Given my schedule, this is not always doable.) I can't do long distance in large part because electronic 'time' together is just not enough for me. I need actual in person time, texting or calling or Skyping is a stopgap measure that ultimately isn't enough on its own. As a supplement, however, it does help.

Physical touch used to be my dead last love language. I think that has changed and it has moved up a few spot on my personal preference of love languages. I think gifts would be last now. I do love me some gifts but I find lately I need more physical interaction. If I don't get quality time and to a degree, physical interaction, I get this horrible starving feeling.
 
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