Does anyone ever wish they weren't polyamorous?

Hi, NYCindie. I have been quietly keeping up with this thread. I was feeling quite down when I posted it and wanted to not feel so alone. The passing of time has bought some context to my post. I feel pain and want to erase anything that I believe may be associated to it, polyamory given the blame.

It's been helpful to think about what polyamory is for me. I find the nature/nurture debates interesting. I like the idea of holding on to values and beliefs, but also recognising that they can alter and modify. My identity as fluid rather than fixed seems to resonate with me.

Thanks for your responses and checking in. :)
 
Interesting thread. I have given it some thought. I think that I don't want to change the fact I'm poly. I would just rather it was more accepted 'out there.'

I think poly is something you are, whether you like it or not, because although you may choose to be monogamous and that fits you at that time, at the very least your mind is open to the idea of poly for yourself, whether you practise or not. A mono's mind would just be unable to tolerate poly for themselves (even if they are happy about it in others, like my husband).

I'm unlikely to ever be in a poly relationship, but looking back at my life I know that's what I've always been, really. I've just always been struggling to adapt to a mono society.
 
2muchlove said:
Interesting thread. I have given it some thought. I think that I don't want to change the fact I'm poly. I would just rather it was more accepted 'out there'.'

I think poly is something you are whether you like it or not, because although you may choose to be monogamous and that fits you at that time, at the very least your mind is open to the idea of poly for yourself, whether you practise or not. A mono's mind would just be unable to tolerate poly for themselves (even if they are happy about it in others - like my husband).

I'm unlikely to ever be in a poly relationship, but looking back at my life I know that's what I've always been really. I've just always been struggling to adapt to a mono society.
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This is something I've touched on, too. There is a mindset, one might be not "wired for poly" as in: I MUST be in multiple relationships always, and I'm never happy in just one, or none, but rather "wired poly-possible." Wired for open-mindedness to the idea and ability or interest to do it.

What I object to are the poly folk telling me that I should not try mono because my needs will "never be met."

I HAVE been told this, and I disagree.

But I do think that for some people, their ideal happy state is multiple relationships, and it's a state they will seek to create if they are not presently in it, so maybe those folks are more "wired for poly" than I am.

I consider myself "poly-flexible." :p

The issue I see, with the limited experience I have, is that if I get Big Feels for a partner, they do seem to consume my whole world. But it doesn't happen often for me. So if I were in only relationships where the love I was experiencing was of the "not completely batshit loony" variety...then I can do multiple ones of those just fine.

I have trouble with this. Other folks seem to call it NRE. Whatever it is, I don't feel it for everyone, or even most partners, and I don't know if it's a temporary state, because in the only long-term relationship I ever had, he sustained it at high levels for over a decade. He was obsessively, unhealthily, "in love" with me for almost the entire 18 years. I was not any of those things ever for him at any point. I've had tons of "new" relationships where there was NOT a rush of "new relationship energy" to contend with.

I could have as many of those as I had time and energy for. Fine. But bring in ONE partner who knocks me for a loop, and it's a game changer. I don't want anyone or anything else but them. (Zen, obviously.)

What does that say for my ability to poly successfully? Not much, in my opinion. I don't know how to NOT catch feels (prevent them) if I'm sexually involved with someone. I can't turn that off, personally. It would be a risk with any new partner. So I suspect maybe mono (at least monosexuality) makes more sense for me.
 
Spork said:
This is something I've touched on, too. There is a mindset, one might be not "wired for poly" as in: I MUST be in multiple relationships always and I'm never happy in just one or none...but rather "wired poly-possible." Wired for openmindedness to the idea and ability or interest to do it.

What I object to, are the polyfolk telling me that I should not try mono because my needs will "never be met."

I HAVE been told this, and I disagree.
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I think that for my own case, the most succinct way of putting it is that I'll never be happy in a closed relationship, and wouldn't be okay with putting up with that even for a day.

Polyfidelity is totally not for me (I pretty much see that as "monogamy, just with more people involved"); being in an open relationship where either participant only has the one partner (because no other compatible opportunities arise) is.
 
InsaneMystic said:
I think that for my own case, the most succinct way of putting it is that I'll never be happy in a closed relationship, and wouldn't be okay with putting up with that even for a day.

Polyfidelity is totally not for me (I pretty much see that as "monogamy, just with more people involved"); being in an open relationship where either participant only has the one partner (because no other compatible opportunities arise) is.
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I'm ok with closed, as long as we understand that it is NEGOTIABLE at any time. My fear is being with someone knowing that if I even brought it up, they'd lose it and freak out and it would be OVER. So my main thing is needing to be heard, needing it to be ok that I feel whatever I feel and we can talk about it.

But that goes for so much more than just poly/not-poly. It's just where one of the worse parts of my marriage at the end was the fact that I finally, after years of unhappiness, which had been growing, reached a point where I couldn't just take it anymore and I tried to open a dialogue about that and express my feelings and issues and needs...and he went nuts and spent the next day threatening me with a gun. That's the day on the calendar that it was OVER. So if I get a hint, with a partner, that they are too prickly or upset by me trying to talk about my feelings or thoughts, and I feel I've got to keep stuff to myself, and I can't approach them...I know I cannot do that.

And that sort of communication disconnect, I frankly feel was a particular feature of the end of one of my poly connections not long ago. And that had nothing to do with being open or closed.

If I don't feel like I can speak freely to my partner, that's the biggest possible problem I can see, because you can't fix anything if you can't talk about it.

I cannot guarantee that Zen would ever be ok with me having sex with another man during our relationship. It would probably hurt and upset him. I know that he would rather I did not. But I do feel that I could talk to him about it, if my needs changed, even if he wouldn't be pleased. So I am quite content.
 
I don't think one can people in only two categories, wired for poly or not wired for poly. When I say I am hardwired for poly, I mean that I am. That doesn't mean every poly person is. It also doesn't mean I belong to some special club/am a purist/whatever. Spork, I agree that a lot of people are probably just openminded enough to try things. However, I know that I could never be truly happy in a closed mono relationship again. Even though Cat and I practiced monogamy for a very long time, I don't think we were truly happy with it. We both loved each other very much, but things got even better when we opened up.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I don't think one can people in only two categories, wired for poly or not wired for poly. When I say I am hardwired for poly, I mean that I am. That doesn't mean every poly person is. It also doesn't mean I belong to some special club/am a purist/whatever.
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Yup, this.

The gal I was with for six years until start of last year *points at signature* definitely falls into the "polyflexible" group, too (AFAIK, she's quite happily mono with her new ladyfriend). That sure doesn't make her any better or worse than me, and certainly no less "pure". :)
 
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