"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies: Merged threads/General discussion

[InsaneMystic]

But that's not a DADT policy.

The opposite of DADT is not "We tell each other everything that happens when we're together with our other partner." The opposite of DADT is disclosure about the fact of having the relationship, the fact of having sex with someone else, the fact of where you're going when you go out. How much detail you give one another about those other relationships is a different spectrum altogether.

I like your definition. Going by this, R and I definitely don't have a DADT arrangement in place, and I'd be equally against DADT and the "not-opposite" in a ship I'd want to be in. Neither would work for me at all, as both lack in the basic respect department, IMO.

 

[BoringGuy]

It would exhaust me (and them) if I had to tell my partners everything about everybody else, and it would bore the hell out of me (and them) if I had to listen to everything about everybody else. I really only NEED to know if someone taught somebody else about a new sexual thing we can try on each other.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I don't have any interest in hearing the details of who farted in bed, which person gleeked during oral sex etc. Seriously? I expect honest communication regarding new relationships. But respect of privacy is important too. And in case anyone wants to digress into my various threads, I think privacy is fine, up until someone is abusing another person. An abuser loses the privilege of privacy and confidentiality.

I don't tell one guy the technical details of sex with the other. We have better things to do with our time. What I do ensure is that I don't pretend that my lover is "just a friend," or that my date is a business trip or study session. That's lying.

Furthermore, I don't ask for details about their sex lives with other people, and they don't ask about mine. But if, for some reason, a question were asked, I wouldn't lie. I might tell them it was intimate and before I could answer we'd need that other person to be ok with sharing, because it's their intimacy being asked about, as well, not just mine. But I wouldn't fabricate a story.

 

[Velvet]

Reading this thread made me realize I pretty much have a "don't ask, don't tell" guideline in my relationships. As metamours, the two men I am with only know what sort of contraception/STD prevention safety is being practiced, well, and I guess that there is physical intimacy. Aside from that, I live with my guy,+ Ave, and if I go out with my long-distance partner BB, he knows when I will be out and when I will be back.

It is so odd to realize I do that, because in theory the idea sounds off to me. Yet I do it! And it does go both ways. BB has had other relationships, but I don't even know the women's names. It just doesn't interest me. As long as the sex is safe I never care. His other relationships are rare and don't last long. (I might be horrible for saying that but it is true.) All I hear is when he tells me there is someone new he is dating (but not right away, just eventually).

In contrast to that, I have found before I can even be physical with someone I have to tell them about all the people I have dated (sexual or not) and anything sex related. It's like I'm unloading baggage before really committing to someone, being up front on what my baggage is. I also need to explain a rather sensitive topic about being used by my neighbor as a kid for sex. I don't use the other person as a post to vent at, just to explain I need to be treated sensitively sometimes when it comes to physical things. But for some reason I throw in all the other bad failed relationships...I didn't always do that, but I feel a lot better telling all the ugly things together. And since I adopted that strategy of unloading it all if things start to look serious, I have been happy with the results. I'm getting off topic now.

 

[Emm]

As metamours the two men I am with only know what sort of contraception/STD prevention is being used, well and that there is physical intimacy. I live with Ave, and if I go out with BB, he knows when I will be out and when I will be back.

...

BB has had other relationships but I don't even know the women's names. As long as the sex is safe I never cared. His other relationships are rare and don't last long. All I hear is when he tells me there is someone new he is dating.

I'm not sure I'd call that DADT. Many people (possibly you included, which is why I'm using your post as a jumping off point) seem to be equating DADT with privacy, whereas I see it as having more to do with secrecy.

Your partners know that the other exists. You know when they're seeing others, even if you don't care about the details. If you didn't tell either of your guys that there was anyone else, or if they just disappeared on "business trips" every week or two, and didn't tell you about their Others, then by my definition, it'd be DADT. As it is, I'd call it open/poly without everyone being forced under a magnifying glass.

 

[Velvet]

I'm not sure I'd call that DADT. Many people seem to be equating DADT with privacy, whereas I see it as having more to do with secrecy.

Your partners know that the other exists. You know when they're seeing others, even if you don't care about the details. If you didn't tell either of your guys that there was anyone else, or if they just disappeared on "business trips" every week or two and didn't tell you about their Others, then by my definition it'd be DADT. As it is I'd call it open/poly without everyone being forced under a magnifying glass.

Feel free to use my post. I definitely respect the privacy of my lover, but it does occur to me there is no obligation to "tell" in our relationship. I didn't word it as well in my first post. If telling happens it is voluntary. And it is likely there are people I haven't been told about and I also don't ask. We've never discussed that other lovers must be disclosed, or never disclosed. It was odd to realize that was never set as a point of dialogue (or a point to be avoided) for my love BB and I. So I agree with you it's not DADT. It is much closer to it than I would've thought I wanted.

I believe I can live with knowing so little because there are very few people I know who have as much integrity as BB. I believe in him and trust his judgement without reservation. That makes it easy.

 

[IndieSolo]

As I understand it, a DADT arrangement means that a person in a committed partnership has other lovers who he or she sees totally in secret. Their partner wants to be blissfully ignorant of any liaisons and pretends they are completely monogamous. They usually say, "Do what you want, but I don't want to know about it. Make sure I don't find out, and make sure no one else finds out. If anyone we know even suspects you are with someone else, we are through."

So, it's basically an ultimatum that forces the person to act like a cheater, and the only way they are allowed to have another relationship is if it is kept completely under wraps. Trysts with lovers get cancelled and swept aside whenever the partner needs them, and no excuse is accepted. That is DADT. I have been approached by several men who had that kind of arrangement, and I chose not to get involved. No way do I want to be someone's dirty secret.

Not divulging details about lovers or sexual practices to a partner who knows and consents that you have other lovers is not DADT. That's usually just about respecting someone's privacy or discomfort with sharing details. Additionally, there are plenty of people who are in poly situations and do not know their metamours at all. It is not a requirement to know and befriend your lover's lovers. That doesn't mean that the relationships are completely unacknowledged.

DADT is a totally different thing. DADT is all pretense.

 

[soleilselene]

Well, for the most part, you are right, but my husband did not give me the ultimatum that he would leave if he learns about it. That is not us. He simply doesn't want to know.

Most of the people I have meet are keeping it from their families and friends because they do not want to be judged. I have yet to meet (in person) someone who is completely open about their polyamorous situation.

 

[IndigoLoves]

Whew... It's okay to not share EVERYTHING

I am so glad to have found this site.

I have been in poly relationships for as long as I can remember. At this time, I am the pivotal part of a triad. In other words, I am a woman with two men as my primaries. One of them is poly, like me. The other is mono. We have been together 5 years. I have always been the open one, eager to talk about our experiences. That doesn't work for them. I found it perplexing that neither of my men wanted too much information, and I didn't know where to draw the line. I learned over time that it isn't because they don't care. It is because me discussing one with the other actually took away from the time I was spending with him, which wasn't a fair thing to do. So now, I enjoy my time with each of them, and others that might come into our circle, and if our other relationships come up, we can talk about it. Otherwise, I just keep it simple and love each one in the time we have together.

 

[LadySFI]

Hi there,

I posted something similar on another link just a minute ago, but my SO is different from my bf in this regard. My bf has an open relationship that is "don't ask don't tell."

All I want from the boys is that they are safe and let me know if they have a new partner. I am sticking with just the two of them because I am very cautious about potential STDs. If they are keeping sexual partners to a minimum and promising me they are staying safe, I stay out of it. I really don't want to know.

My BF has one other partner that he hasn't been with in the two months we have been together. However, he is a grown man and I'm not gonna ask him to call it off, just to be safe.

My SO is slightly different. I need to know a little more, because we have a son involved. He likes to know all the details that I am willing to share. It turns him on and makes him feel secure that I won't hide anything even if it might hurt.

 

[IndigoLoves]

Just ask!

It's not complicated. I really like to talk about the details of my time spent with other partners, but I respect their wishes. For instance, sometimes they will ask questions, in that case it is more of a turn on for us. Other times, it's better just to ask first. "Do you want to hear about what we did?" Sometimes it's "yes," sometimes it's "not really." Either way, it's all about loving communication and trust.

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . I am the pivotal part of a triad. In other words.. I am a woman with two men as my primary relationship. One of them is poly, like me, and the other mono.

Generally, the term "triad" is used when all three people are involved together, with each other (emotionally, sexually). Since one of your guys is mono, I'd say that wouldn't apply. What you have, which is three people but two dyads, is generally known as a "vee." You would be the hinge or pivot person and each of your men is an arm of the vee.

 

[london]

First, some definitions to give my post clarity. Obviously these are my personal definitions.

Ethical non-monogamy- Relationships that have the potential of the people involved having multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships with the informed consent of all the people involved.

Open relationship- a relationship where one or more of the people who are romantically committed to each other only have or can have sexually focused relationships outside of their union.

Poly relationship- a relationship where one or more of the people who are romantically committed to each other have or can have sexual and/or romantic relationships outside of that union. It does not have the limitations on emotional availability outside of the union that open relationships have.

DADT- same definition as NYCindie. It's a relationship where the people involved are expected to completely conceal that they are not monogamous. Failure to do this would be a breach of consent.

Because I believe that polyamorous relationships do not have restrictions on emotional availability outside of the primary relationship, I can't see relationships that have a DADT agreement (as I defined it) as polyamorous. Unless you are able to speak about your other partners and, although they don't have to be best friends, can have all your partners in the same room for an important event in their hinge's life, I can't see how the emotional availability and opportunity to bond romantically can be unrestricted.

Relationships with a DADT can only be open relationships, by my definitions. I have no issue with any form of ethical and consensual non-monogamy, but that arrangement is not something that I could accept from a partner, nor could I enter a romantic relationship where my potential partner had that agreement with an existing partner. I might be happy to have a more casual arrangement with them.

 

[Flowerchild]

Don't ask, don't tell?

I've experienced this rule myself, and I've spoken to others who have, as well. In all cases (admittedly, a small sampling), it ended up causing a lot of pain and confusion.

Has anyone out there successfully pulled off a "Don't ask, don't tell" relationship? If so, did bother you to think your SO might have a serious relationship that you knew nothing about? Did it help you feel secure in your established relationship? Very curious.

 

[london]

What I count as a serious relationship couldn't be achieved in a DADT. I was casually seeing a guy before who most definitely had that arrangement. But to make it truly DADT, there are some things to abide by that limited our emotional connection. For example, weekends were strictly their time. It wasn't a rule, but if he went elsewhere on a weekend, she would ask where he was going and that would be awkward. He had to plan dates at times he knew she would be travelling or working. He initially put a limit on how many times he saw each person, so obligation wouldn't build. He decided on seven times. I saw him about four before this just became tedious. Obviously, meeting his friends and family was of the cards because the DADT included them. All in all, I realised pretty quickly that a DADT, especially if the person is in a serious, long-term relationship, stops you from being anything other than really casual. That can work sometimes, but not for people who want more than a sexually-focused friendship.

 

[Maleficent]

It wouldn't work for me. It would feel too much like sneaking around, and I'm not into that at all. Paranoia would get the better of me if my partners were slipping off and having secret dates. The idea of it just turns me off.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

It would never work for me. Part of what makes poly work so well for my spouse and me is that we tell each other nearly everything. He even knows some naughty details of my sex life life with my bf (not that everyone has to go that far). I think we would both be very uncomfortable with don't ask, don't tell. Spouse will even refer to my and bf's intimate life TO bf. This makes bf a little uncomfortable, but he's getting used to it and they get on well.

 

[Inyourendo]

My ex did DADT for me. He didn't really have any game, so he wanted a gf to "share." I didn't agree. Just like I used to smoke and he didn't approve, and he didn't want me going to bars. I did very little to hide these things, but he never asked and I never told.

Having to hide everything I did over the years grew tiresome, and when I met Nate, who would accept me for me and let me be an adult and make my own choices about my body, I left my ex. The fact that I had to be in a DADT situation felt very disrespectful to me. He essentially turned me into a liar and a cheater.

 

[PaulDrakket]

I think that :don't ask, don't tell" leads to nothing but suffering, as you seem to already suspect. Both honesty and openness are important to sustaining valuable, lasting relationships in a polyamorous manner. To be frank, I think DADT is not in the spirit of polyamory.

 

[LoveBunny]

My husband demands DADT. I don't like it, as I feel it limits my relationships outside the marriage to sex only, and I truly prefer emotional intimacy. On the other hand, hubby isn't interested in being poly. It's something I need, not him, and this is the only way he's at all comfortable with the situation. Also, this is a new thing for us, as it's been not even a year since I insisted upon my need for multiple partners.

His reasoning is that I was very open about the first person I dated outside our marriage, and it was a disaster. She was a narcissist and hurt me lots, and poor hubby was left to pick up the pieces when it fell apart after 5 months, and I turned into an emotional wreck. I can understand why he wouldn't be keen to go through that again, even though I've pointed out that, hopefully, not everyone I date will be a cold-blooded reptile.

He doesn't know about the two men I dated after the woman, each for a couple of months, neither of whom panned out into long-term relationships. With both of these men, I was able to keep a lid on my emotions and not let them affect my marriage.

If someone comes along with whom I build something meaningful, I will push to renegotiate our DADT policy. But for now, it's the best solution we've come up with, as neither of us want a divorce. I suspect/hope as we both grow and change and evolve, our policy will change.