Don't trust metamour...who just moved to my town

[thedweeb]

Hi all,

Been practicing ENM for just about 7-8 months. I started with a dear friend of 4-5 years with whom I've always had wonderful energy and whom I have always and continue to like very much. Our relationship progressed somewhat quickly because we were already close and our lives are pretty entwined. He was already dating someone who lived 1.5 hours away when we started and I knew about it and I was OK with because they lived away. I've not been interested in having multiple ENM relationships within my own community and am still not. That person has recently moved to our small town of her own accord, not at the request of my partner. I do not trust this person and, at times, do not trust my partner.

The reasons I do not trust this person are various - including some potentially stalking behavior towards me, her lying to my partner about an exchange that she and I had, and the way that she communicates with me in general. I'm not interested in kitchen table polyamory and I have never been interested in a relationship with her, but she has pushed for that for a long time and my partner has not been great at holding that boundary with me. We have met a few times and I think I need to not do that anymore, but I know that I will see her in our community.

I'm just having a really hard time with the change of her coming to our town and feeling like I have very little safe space and agency in my community, although I know that's not true. I realize I may just need to end this relationship, but I'm exploring other solutions first and need some support. And I feel pretty alone in this experience. SO, I need some help thinking through this situation to come up with some solutions-based ideas for myself and to potentially share with my partner. There are a lot of details missing here, so I'm happy to answer questions.

Thanks for your help and I hope all are well in this ever-changing world!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello thedweeb,

That's a pain, having to run into a metamour who can't be trusted, I'll bet you must be very frustrated. If there's anything I can do to support let me know. For now I would say just take a solid stand with your partner, and let him know you do not want to hear about your metamour, and you do not want to be pushed into friendly relations with your metamour. Sure you may run into your metamour in your community, but if you do just turn and walk away, do not let your metamour engage you. If I can think of some other ideas I'll let you know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's not unusual at all to not like a metamour, so you're not alone. If you want to avoid her, just do so. And if you see her in passing, you could just say hi, give her a social smile, and keep on moving. Trying to avoid her completely will just lead to feeling paranoid.

The bigger concern, imo, is your actual partner. If he's allowing her to push her way into social situations with you, or if he's believing lies about things she's telling him about you, that's not good. Of course, I only have your side of the situation, but on the face of it, it seems like you need to enforce your boundaries. If your bf keeps crossing your boundaries, and you're uncomfortable, maybe a romantic relationship with this long-time friend isn't really working out, and you will need to break up.