Don't want to play anymore :(

pollyanna said:
What's a cowgirl?
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A cowgirl is someone who gets involved with a poly person, but really only wants them to herself. She attempts to "lasso" her love interest and "herd" him or her away from and out of their marriage or poly situation. They are usually very manipulative, since getting this person to shed their other relationship(s) is their main goal.

This can be done in a number of ways. A few examples:
- badmouthing the primary partner;
- having hissy fits about what they're not getting from the relationship;
- making demands about how their SO conducts his/her OTHER relationships;
- just finding ways to co-opt most of their target's time.

There are cowboys, too, but it seems cowgirls are more common. Basically, they profess to be poly, but are really mono, and will only be satisfied if they are either the only one or #1.
 
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I hear everyone talking about having a meeting and talking about things, getting things out in the open and setting up rules, etc.

She does not know that I want him to marry me. She has no idea that he said that he would, or that he has always said that he would, if it "came down to it." Does she need to know my "previous" intentions, or is that something better left unsaid? I often feel like while he has been honest with her to some degree, that he has not told her everything. She does not know all the things he has told me.

He's told me that he has looked for me his entire life, 5hat he believes that we have been together in past lives and will always be so. He told me that the greatest thing he had ever done in his life was finding me and bringing me here. He has told me that he loves me more than he loves her or his kids. That I am and will always be his first priority, and that he feels guilty that he married her and did not wait for me... And the list goes on.

So sometimes I feel like she has agreed to something that she really knows little about. Is that deceitful to her? Or is it just part of being in a polyamorous relationship, that some things will be secret from the other? Is it ok not to tell her for the sake of peace?

Other than the time that we all got together and decided that they would no longer be sexually active, we have never had a "meeting." All things are negotiated more or less by him. If I have a problem, I tell him, and he talks to her about it. So far, this has worked fairly well.

But honestly, I have no idea what he told her in the beginning or what she originally agreed to. There is a slight language barrier there, as well. Not much, but sometimes, especially if she gets upset, she has a problem either speaking or understanding correctly. So that is part of the reason we have always left it up to him. Plus, he knows how to best talk to her to help her understand something.

But honestly, she has always been, to my knowledge, a wonderful and caring woman, that has gone above and beyond to make me feel comfortable. If we did not share him, I would want her for a friend. But as it is...she just seems to DRIVE ME CRAZY! She is everywhere I go. Every corner I turn, she is there. Every time I get up to go to the bathroom she is there. Every meal she is there. The only time she is not there is when we are either holed up in our room or gone!

And now she has started to come up to the room more often, telling him that she is jealous that we are up here. As long as we were in the office it was ok. That used to be the case. But the office is under construction, so we have had to be in our room more and more, and she does not like that. So it is not unusual for me to go to the bathroom and come back and find her in our room with her hand on her hip telling him something that she is not happy with. 😒 It is making me CRAZY. Our room is the only fucking space in the whole house that is "mine." I just go nuts when I see her in there.

She will call us for supper, and then, if we are not there immediately, she will come find us, or call again, not giving us time to finish what we are doing. If we are having a fight, she will come to the room to see what's wrong, and to remind us to be quiet, because it upsets the kids. (But she yells at them all day long!) It drives me INSANE when she comes up in the middle of a disagreement. I feel like I have to leave "my own house" just to be able to argue with him. It is just so hard.
 
Awww, Polly, I wondered if you were from Texas... just your references to hun and honey. That is where I spent most of my life. When I fled the abusive relationship I went to Cali for about 8 months. But Texas is my home, although I have never wanted to be a cowgirl. lol
 
El186 said:
I hear everyone talking about having a meeting and talking about things....getting things out in the open and setting up rules...etc. She does not know that I want him to marry me. She has no idea that he said that he would...or that he has ALWAYS said that he would if it "came down to it". Does she need to know my "previous" intentions...or is that something better left unsaid. I often feel like while he has been honest with her to some degree that he has not told her "everything". She does not know ALL the things he has told me. He has told me that he has looked for me his entire life. That he believes that we have been together in past lives and will always be so. He told me that the greatest thing he had ever done in his life was finding me and bringing me here. He has told me that he loves me MORE than he loves her OR his kids. That I am and will always be his FIRST priority and that he feels guilty that he married her and did no wait for me.....and the list goes on. So sometimes I feel like she has agreed to something that she really knows little about. IS that deceitful to her? Or is it just part of being in a polyamorous relationship...that some things will be secret from the other? Is it ok not to tell her for the sake of peace?

Other than the time that we all got together and decided that they would no longer be sexually active, we have NEVER had a "meeting". All things are negotiated more or less by him. If I have a problem I tell him and he talks to her about it...and thus far it has worked fairly well. But honestly, I have NO idea what he told her in the beginning or WHAT she originally agreed to. There is a SLIGHT language barrier there as well. Not much, but sometimes, especially if she gets upset, she has a problem either speaking or understanding correctly. So that is part of the reason we have always left it up to him. Plus, he knows how to best talk to her to help her understand something. But honestly, she has always been, to my knowledge, a wonderful and caring woman, that has gone above and beyond to make me feel comfortable. If we did not share him...I would WANT her for a friend. But as it is...she just seems to DRIVE ME CRAZY! She is everywhere I go...every corner I turn she is there...every time I get up to go to the bathroom she is there....every meal she is there....the only time she is not there is when we are either holed up in our room or gone! And now she has started to come up to the room more often, telling him that she is jealous that we are up here. As long as we were up in the office it was ok...that used to be the case, but the office is under construction, so we have had to be in our room more and more...and she does not like that. So it is not unusual for me to go to the bathroom and come back and find her in our room with her hand on her hip telling him something that she is not happy with...:/ It is making me CRAZY. OUR room is the only fucking space in the WHOLE house that is "mine". I just go NUTS when I see her in there. She will call us for supper and then if we are not there immediately she will come find us or call again...not giving us time to finish what we are doing. If we are having a fight she will come to the room to see what's wrong and to remind us to be quiet, because it upsets the kids. But SHE yells at them all day long. It drives me INSANE when she comes up in the middle of a disagreement. I feel like I have to leave "my own house" just to be able to argue with him. It is just SO hard.
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Please stop obsessing about her and what she does. First think about who you are and what you want!
 
El186 said:
. . . she just seems to DRIVE ME CRAZY! She is everywhere I go. Every corner I turn she is there. Every time I get up to go to the bathroom she is there. Every meal she is there. The only time she is not there is when we are either holed up in our room or gone! And now she has started to come up to the room more often, telling him that she is jealous that we are up here.
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Well, it sure sounds like she is not as okay with his relationship with you as you have been led to believe!

El186 said:
Our room is the only fucking space in the whole house that is "mine". I just go NUTS when I see her in there. She will call us for supper and then if we are not there immediately she will come find us or call again...not giving us time to finish what we are doing. If we are having a fight she will come to the room to see what's wrong and to remind us to be quiet, because it upsets the kids... It drives me insane when she comes up in the middle of a disagreement. I feel like I have to leave "my own house" just to be able to argue with him. It is just so hard.
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Isn't it her house, not yours? It seems she has been relegated to being the cook and nanny, and you think she's perfectly content with that. Obviously, she's not.

Does she clean up after you, as well? Wash the sheets after you and he have been fucking? Her husband doesn't involve himself with his own damn children. He keeps a mistress in her house. She makes dinner for both of you. She has agreed to not have sex with him just to make you happy. She has to listen to her husband and his mistress fucking and arguing. And you whine about not having quiet, or him to yourself. Wow.
 
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His poor wife:
-Invited a complete stranger from another country into her home.
-Has given up sexual intimacy with her husband because it upset you.
-Has given up having a partner to share a bed with because it upset you.
-Is basically raising small children by herself (with a couple of other adults in the house who don't really get involved because they don't really like kids).
-Is trying to maintain some kind of normal family life by insisting on dinner together (which is healthy for the kids).

Tell me again how you're getting the short end of the stick? I suggest that you get your own house and see where the chips really fall. If he says that if it comes down to it he'll marry you, what do you have to lose? You're obviously not happy in the place you are in your life. So change something! The only person who you control is you. Make choices that are good for you, not choices that are motivated by trying to manipulate someone else into making the decision you want them to.
 
The "dimensions of wellness" is a phrase you can Google and read more about. That one particular link if you click on the types, will give you some suggestions for how to address things in that "bucket."

As far as "IDing the things," then "brainstorming solutions" for the things, then sorting them into piles for, "How long does it take to execute the things?"-- that's just how I deal with some of my life problems. To me, it's part of SMART goal setting. Getting it specific and getting it measurable are the first steps toward organizing a larger game plan.

Is that deceitful to her? Or is it just part of being in a polyamorous relationship-- that some things will be secret from the other? Is it ok not to tell her for the sake of peace?
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That you even have to wonder, keeping info from her about the things that could concern her-- lies of omission are lies, hon.

If your partner is keeping his wife in the dark, you might wonder what he is telling her that you are in the dark about, maybe setting each of you up to "dislike" the other one, pitting you against each other so he gets all the cookies. From his POV, he has it made: a live-in GF tending to his needs, a wife dealing with the kids so he doesn't have to do a dang thing.

I'd be leery. Look at the huge stress ball you are under. What kind of dynamic do you have over there? :( Keep wondering. Take it all the way.

It is very easy to assign all your "ugh" feelings on her, but you could examine his behavior, not his talk. He may be one of those smoot-talkin' guys that just sliiiiiiide along in life. Examine his behavior.

He SAYS he loves his children, but in his behavior he ignores them. This is loving how?
He SAYS he loves you and promises you whatever, but in his behavior he delivers what? Or, does he only deliver partials? Just enough to get what he wants from you?
You guys seem to argue a lot because you are not getting what you need. Does he negotiate fairly and address the problem? Nope. You get this:

I am selfish. He has made sure to tell me that.
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He does not attack the problem, but the person (you), which sends you into a brain cloud wondering if your really are being selfish. Result for him = you get off his back and do not hold him accountable for promises made. He's distracted you.

Marriage is something you value. You are starting to feel uncomfortable because that's another promise not yet delivered. It has been 3 years. The NRE has worn off. You are coming down to earth off the pink fluffy clouds, looking at your situation without the rose-colored glasses. And you don't like what you're seeing.

  • You basically have to stay in a situation you do not like because negotiating for changes is getting you nothing. You don't like contemplating staying in UGH.
  • Or you accept you got snowed for 3 years on fake promises-- and leave. I'm sure you do not like to consider that either, because you want to be able to keep loving him.

When life gives you stinky choices, chose the one that stinks the least. To me, that would be leave this situation. Your title says you don't want to play anymore. So get out.

Look:

I have no ring, nothing to indicate that I am "taken," and we have agreed that I am. We have agreed that my heart belongs to him alone, that it will never belong to another. He says that he will get me a ring when the time is right. And he is not one to lie. I want to believe him. But he never talks about it.. We never look at rings. NOTHING.
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He wants to control how you feel, that you will never love anyone but him? He dangles a ring like a carrot, but never talks about it? He's found your button to push to get what he wants. You want to believe him, but you can't. So you struggle to reconcile, because him stringing you along is less than loving behavior. His talk is all pretty, but his behavior is not.

He says he stays home to "side with you" when he avoids family things. But his behavior is what? Avoiding family things, now that they know you are the GF? Maybe he whitewashes it as "siding with you" to you, but really it is him avoiding listening to his parents tell him he's being unfair to himself.

Then it is really easy for the parents to continue to blame you first. Most people would rather blame the "outsider" than blood kin. Does he keep you away from the parents so they don't know you or your side of the story? Note how you don't get to share your side to anyone. You are isolated. Awfully handy for him. He can play, "I'm drunk with my affair. The mistress bewitched me," rather than, "I am pitting two women against each other so I get all the cookies."

I'm not saying that is what is happening. I'm only going by what you write, you, who knows what his side is.

But if what you write is the actuality and not your perceived reality, you could consider if that is happening. Because it's sounding pretty weird there.

All things are negotiated, more or less, by him. If I have a problem I tell him and he talks to her about it...and thus far it has worked fairly well. But honestly, I have no idea what he told her in the beginning, or what she originally agreed to.
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That's fishy. It sounds too much like "He makes all the rules." How do you avoid triangulation when all information goes through him?

I'm not saying you are being abused. But it's weird sounding. Does anything else here ping for you?
http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf

Your last relationship was abusive. Have you healed enough and gained the relationship skills to stay out of more subtle abusive dynamics? Did you get out of the fire and into the frying pan? Not as bad as the ex-husband, but still not good for you? :(

You are pretty isolated socially. Are you isolated financially too? Do you have any money of your own? A job? Can you go home to the US and walk away from this? I'm not saying you'd want to right now, but are you even able to, if you chose it? Or are you screwed in Europe if this goes down badly? Left without the money to even get out? :(

I guess if I am to depend on myself for my own happiness, and to do what I need to do to make that happen, then I need to take any response from him out of the picture. Basically telling myself to accept it the way it is, find a way within myself to "like" it, or get out of it and start over. Am I understanding that correctly?
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No. You do not have to "like it or lump it." Under normal conditions, you could always ask to renegotiate in for your needs. You can always ask. But what it seems like you are doing is blaming her for everything, or being set up to blame her for everything so he sliiiiiides out of the spotlight for behavior done/not done. Blame shifting.

It doesn't sound like normal ethical polyshipping, if he controls all the information. There's a whiff of weirdness to it. It is very hard to tell from reading your story if you are a manipulative cowgirl, he's a manipulative weirdo, or what. I don't say that to upset you -- just telling you how it reads to a stranger. There's a whiff of manipulation in there somewhere, but who is doing it?

So my only advice is to work out listing all the things that bother you and try to group them together. Then maybe others can help you to see if you are too close to the trees to see the forest and you are not a cowgirl.

I assume positive intent on your part since you are the one posting for help. The more you write, the clearer it will become. So keep writing.

Galagirl
 
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OP you are one selfish cookie and so is your boyfriend.

I feel sorry for the wife.
 
Yes, I know that I am selfish. And am probably manipulative, although it is not done intentionally, but I am willing to concede that. I KNOW that she has the short end of the stick here...and have said more than once that she is wonderful and a much better person than I am. I KNOW I am a creep. I feel it all the time. I feel bad about it. I don't want to hurt her. Or him...or anyone. But I cannot help the way I am feeling.

That is why I am here to try to figure out if I can change it. Or maybe if I even really want to? IDK. I am so confused. I know I have not done a good job explaining things. He really is a wonderful man. He is very careful to tend to everyone's needs. He really does. It is me, I guess. I am never happy. I just seem to want more.

There are days that I am happy with all of it. I feel happy and do not want any more and feel really lucky that I am here. Then there are other days that I feel horrible. Most of the time that happens when something comes up to remind me that I am not his wife. Either a colleague will call and invite him and his wife to dinner, or his family will ask him and her to attend a function, or an old friend will ask me if I have gotten married yet, or my niece will post a picture of her new engagement ring on FB. It can be as simple as filling out a questionnaire, and trying to decide what to put on marital status.

I have been married since I was 16. I don't know how to be anything else. And to top it off it was a traditional old school marriage, where the wife is submitted to her husband and basically has no say in anything that happens.

My first husband was a travelling evangelist, and after 3 1/2 years I found out he was having an affair with another man and so I divorced him. My second marriage was to an emotionally and physically abusive man with whom I had 4 children. I stayed with him for 30 years, thinking that when the kids were grown, maybe then he would pay some attention to me and love me.

He seldom made love to me. I even had weight-loss surgery. I almost died trying to "make him love me". (Yeah, I know, I am a stupid idiot.)

In any case, after all that, I found out that he was having multiple sexual flings with men at the gym and in the neighborhood. I no longer wanted to live. I had no friends. I had no way to leave. I could see no way out.

And then I met "the hinge" in this relationship. I met him online and he was the most amazing man I had ever met. We were online together every day for a year. His wife knew about it and told him, "So you have found the perfect woman." It made me sad for her. But he said that she understood and so we continued talking to each other. I was a million miles away and never thought there would be anything else. He had always told me he was married and always would be. So he never lied to me about it.

When things got so bad at my house, and my husband had beat me a couple of times, took a hammer to the computer, ripped off my clothes and gave me a black eye, then told me that he was having dreams of killing me, I told my online "sister" about it and she agreed to let me live with her, and "the hinge" agreed to pay for me to leave and provide a monthly income for me until I could get settled. And so I ran. I knew that if I was ever to get out of that, that this was the time.

So I went across the country and relocated under an anonymous name and address. My husband was violent and had often told me that if he could not have me no one would. I feared for my life on several occasions and again, had no one other than my friend. She would often leave for weeks at a time and I would be there alone and worried that I knew no one and what would I do if he found out where I was? At least I could speak the language!

Finally, after about 8 months, "the hinge" told me that he had talked to his wife and she had agreed that it would be ok with her if I wanted to come live with them. I considered it and finally agreed. I was not sure I could do it. It went against everything I had ever thought or believed in. It went against everything that I had taught my children. In my Bible Belt eyes it was wrong. It was a sin. But I loved him so much and wanted to be with him so badly, I said yes.

At first it was awkward, but we worked through it all. It has been a process, one that seemed to be working. And then her parents found out...and it has just seemed to be conflict since then, for both her AND me.

I KNOW I am a terrible person, but I am trying. I am trying to figure this out and trying to figure out what is best to do...not just for me, but for everyone. I am trying to figure out if I just need to throw in the towel and go on, or if I need to spend more of my life trying to make this work.

I love him, and I care for her and the kids. I cannot see what would really be solved if I left. He would be left with the same relationship that caused him to try to find me in the first place. It was not enough for him.

And I am not sure that this relationship is enough for me. IDK. I know that most of the people here hate me at worst, find me disgusting most of the time and tolerate me at best. But I am here because I am trying.

I desperately need to figure this out. I knew that I would not be well received, but I was hoping that maybe I could find someone else that had gone thru similar circumstances and had "overcome." To those that have been kind enough to read and listen and offer advice, thank you so much. I am listening. I am reading the things you are giving me and looking at other sites. I am trying. So please bear with me.
 
With everything that you've been through in your life, you need to find yourself and your own strength. You're not going to find that in the situation you're in at the moment. You've always been living at the whim of someone else. You've said yourself that you don't know how to be anything other than married (and I'm assuming you mean in the traditional sense). I think maybe it's time to be your own woman and to stop defining yourself by your relationship to another person. That isn't to say that you can't be in a relationship with another person (or people), but it shouldn't be your primary definition of who YOU are. I still maintain that finding your own place close by is by far the best solution to your current dilemma.
 
I'm not saying this in a judgmental manner, but there are a lot of issues going on here... Escape from an abusive marriage (to the point where you feel you need anonymity because your safety is in jeopardy), moving to a new country, getting involved in a poly relationship for the first time, being isolated from everyone you've ever known, and not being able to establish a support circle where you are. Finding counseling would really be a wise move here. There's a lot here to manage and you may need help finding the pieces you can take on without trying to do it all at once.

When coming out of any relationship, it's good to establish who you are first, before jumping into another relationship. I know, easier said than done - I didn't do that either, and jumped into my relationship with my current partner after the end of my own 17-year marriage. :rolleyes: It is much easier to be dependent on someone for your well-being when you don't know any other way to be, and it is a huge burden on the other person.

Now that you're away from your abusive husband, I know there's a language barrier, but it still will do you some good to get some space of your own away from your BF and his wife. You are relying on him for your happiness and you don't want to be alone, and this really places a difficult burden on both him and his wife, regardless of how much they care about you. You can't develop your own strength in this type of situation.

I'd recommend trying to learn the language and become self-sufficient in some way-- taking classes, whatever; something that's yours and can help you rebuild your self-esteem; something that isn't reliant on your BF for that; then perhaps you can support yourself and get a place of your own, and not feel that your privacy is being invaded (because, I'm sorry... it may be your room, but it is her home).


Good luck in all this.
 
It was mentioned in an earlier post, this is full of red flags!

It's obvious that you're hurting. I'm so sorry.

The fact remains though that you did move there agreeing to certain things. You've managed to get everybody to agree to change several of the things you agreed to in the first place. But what now? You talk about how you can change things even more. I don't see him wanting to change things. I don't think he wants to leave his wife. He's content. She's content. But you still want to change things? Exactly how do you propose to make things change when you're the only one who wants change? And why would you want to marry someone you have to manipulate into it?

I understand that I don't know this man so I can't possibly even form an opinion on his character. But from what you've told us here, he doesn't sound like he wants anything different from what he has right now. And he's never spent time with his kids? That doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy, but that's just me.

I think it's time you switched gears. Accept that you can't control the actions of others. You can't make them do what you want, and if you do manage to manipulate them into doing what you want, I promise it'll end badly. Stop wasting your time and driving yourself nuts, trying to decide how to change this situation. Spend your time figuring out what you are able to handle. You can only make decisions for yourself. You do have a right to be happy, but in the current situation, your happiness depends largely on their decisions. It's time to make your decisions based on what you need and want. And if you can't be happy with what they're offering you, then it's time to reach down deep, find the strength that you probably don't even realize you have, and do what you have to do for you.
 
I desperately need to figure this out. I knew that I would not be well received, but I was hoping that maybe I could find someone else that had gone thru similar circumstances and had "overcome." To those that have been kind enough to read and listen and offer advice, thank you so much. I AM listening. I am reading the things you are giving me and looking at other sites. I am trying. So please...bear with me.
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You have a LOT going on. :eek:

I am sorry you are hurting. I don't know what you might need from internet strangers. Help to find more links? I've stuck some on.

Reassurance from other people that YES, it sounds wacko there? It does!

I cannot tell what you have just from the writings. It could be...

  • A) You are a formerly abused person in a polyship that just does not meet your current needs. If so? You could leave. (What he does with himself is on him).
  • B) You are a formerly abused person in a polyship that is ALSO abusive, and does not meet your current needs. You could have to struggle to get to a place where you could leave safely. However cushy -- a gilded cage is still a cage. But still... look to leaving. (What he does is still up to him. But that could be a concern for you if he tries to chase you like the ex who wanted to kill you. :( You would have to leave with a solid safety plan then, in those circumstances.)

I still cannot tell which type of polyship you have there. Only YOU can. But getting you OUT of here seems the main thing either way. So you could focus on THAT-- being ABLE to leave in a healthy way.

Honestly? I'm getting a whiff of (B) there.

These are some loose thoughts. I don't know if it helps you any. I hope you are safe. It sounds really weird over there. Sigh.


1) You could get a counselor, ASAP. You need more support.

You have been through two rough marriages and been abused, so I don't think you have all the skills to even recognize a healthy relationship, if you keep getting into relationships that are not healthy. (On the other hand, you are survivor and have survived before -- so you can do it again. No matter how dim your inner light feels right now? You haven't been snuffed out totally if you are seeking help online. That's something!) If you have to wait to organize money, you could at least look up names and numbers of counselors for the time being.​

2) You could learn the language. Try to get a job. Volunteer. Get out from the house and air out. Work toward becoming financially independent.
Whatever may come of your V, do not keep yourself in a position where you are alone in a country you do not speak the language in, a shut-in, and have NO recourse but to rely on the hinge guy for support. If you have to suck it up for a while until you can safely leave, so be it. But stay safe and do work toward getting out.​
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It's weird to me that it's been kept this way for 3 years already, you not taking language lessons or working outside of the home. It leaves you isolated and dependent on him. Not cool.​

3) You could keep a journal, online, secretly, not on paper, where it could be used against you in the wacko home. Learn to circle things that do NOT line up.

Some of what you write sounds "loudspeaker" to me. Like what comes out is not your own words but old programming tapes, maybe the current BF's words or the words of your ex-husband, or something. You're going on about how horrible you are to have needs of your own. Everyone has needs. That doesn't make you horrible.​
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If it doesn't work in this polyship, it is not the end of the world. Not every dating partner is destined to be a long-haul runner. That's what dating is for. This is just way out of proportion for normal dating.​
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I am concerned that you rushed into a cohabiting/financially-dependent position because you were fleeing abuse. It seemed "better" than before (what doesn't sound better than murder?!). Now you are realizing that while nobody is punching you and trying to kill you, neither is it HEALTHY for you here. That's hard to reconcile.​

4) You could READ.
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I see your confusion and your struggle when you write. Scroll down to center of page and click on stage 3. That's what I smell. A bit of that. "If only this crazy would stop... then I could be happy!" the confusion and the weirdness. I'm not saying you are being abused now. But.. could read it to get a reality check there. Only you know your situation there. But whatever the situation, you have inherent worth, dignity and value, just like everyone does. You are a person, not a thing. ​

5) You could learn to talk to yourself in your head with self respect.

You don't have to be your own bully. Are you having other symptoms of "letting go" things?​

6) You could be safe while thinking out the next step.
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Remember to clear your internet history and take internet precautions. I'd hate for your only avenue to access help in a language you know to be cut off if Internet is all you have. :(​
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Let someone else know what's going on -- old relatives, someone in the community, write a letter and mail it somewhere. Something.​

It sounds to me like you are thinking you want OUT. But are in the grieving process and not at full acceptance of making that choice.

You are somewhere in the thought process spectrum:

"I want crazy to stop" <---> "I think I want out" <-----> "I KNOW I want out." <-----> "I know want out AND I have a plan." <----> I know I want out, have plan and I am ready to execute the plan."

Could you articulate what bus stop on the spectrum you are currently at in your thinking process?

To me you seem like you are "bargaining" with yourself. Bargaining stage 3. Could read the next Stage 4 things when ready. You have some of that religion thing going on that you will eventually have to reconcile. Maybe you are actually Stage 2, but dipping a toe in 3. Whatever -- read them all.

Whether it helps in your current situation or helps you recover from 30 years with an abuser... could spend time at www.speakoutloud.net. in general.

I cannot tell if you are emotionally confused because of emotional flooding making it hard to see clearly, or mentally confused because you've been gaslighted for a long time and are starting to waken. (It could be both, or neither.) I'd leave that for a professional real-life counselor to sort out with you. I urge you again to find local, on the ground support. Your needs and your situation go beyond the scope of internet strangers.

You can still talk here... airing out is better than keeping it in. But eventually you will need practical, on the ground kinds of help. Not just anonymous internet venting. What resources are there in your community?

In the meanwhile, perhaps in preparation for that appointment, you could write out all the things that bother you, and group them into the "dimensions of wellness" categories. That is doing something, even a tiny thing, for yourself.

You may have gone into it hoping for a harmonious "V" polyship that you were promised. But it's a hard reality call to realize you could be in something totally not what you were expecting.

Again, I hope you are safe. It sounds really weird over there. :(

Galagirl
 
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I don't know but... You got a pretty sweet deal there, OP, and I'm only going by what you write. You are getting free cars and free housing and free food and free trips to and around Europe and all you have to do is live with this guy's wife and kids. They even agreed not to have sex with each other because you don't like listening to it, but you get to have sex with him any time (meaning without waiting for wife and kids to leave the house)?

Some of this sounds too good to be true. You sound like an adolescent teenage girl wringing her hands over this. If I were that man's wife, I'd be handing you a to-do list, and sending you out for language lessons, so I could get you the fuck out of my home. But that's just me. I like my personal space a lot.
 
She's always around you (i.e., bathroom, meals, living room, etc.) because it's HER house. If you feel the need not to have her around then you should move.

Both of you (you and him) not being honest with her from the very beginning is wrong on so many levels.

I know you're hurting, because you've made some poor choices, and haven't healed from emotional abuse and other forms of abuse, but it isn't her job to give up her entire life so you can be happy.

He also sounds like he is enjoying having his cake and eating it too. When you tell him what you need, of course he doesn't want anything to change. Life is good for him. He is also being abusive when he calls you a bitch and tells you that when you're his wife you won't be "allowed" to talk to him in a certain manner.

And btw, what part of him only seeing his kids every once in a while is a good idea??? If he lives with you, then those kids get to be singled parented, because he isn't a kid person and your kids are grown, and you're of an age where you could do without little ones around? Sounds like a bad situation for his kids.
 
You titled this thread, "Don't want to play anymore." So my advice, is to stop playing. You left an abusive relationship and went into hiding then into a relationship. You took no time at all to find your own feet. No relationship, mono or poly, works if you can't stand on your own two feet.

Start figuring out what you need, what your 'issues' are and how to deal with them. So far, you are just putting a Band-aid on things!

You feel lonely, so you cry and they adjust to make it easier on you. You are uncomfortable so they change things to make it easier on you.

The standard here has been, you have icky feelings, they fix things so you don't feel icky. Now you feel bad that you are STILL having icky feelings and they aren't making it better again!

Sorry, no. Time to put on the big girl panties and deal with those icky feelings! That means lots and lots of work is on YOU.

Start simply. You freaked out hearing them have sex. Why? You know they have sex. You know they had sex. They have kids! So what made you feel icky? You were unprepared? You weren't expecting it? Are you jealous that he does things with her AND you? Do you feel left out, and would rather him be with you and NOT her?

Figure that shit out. Deal with it. So far you haven't dealt with anything. That's where it lies.

You want to know if people have been through this? All the time.

DH and I had been married double digits before we moved into polyamory. We did not move into it open and honest. That had to be built. The trust had to be earned again. So he went slow. We went slow.

He had to do a ton of work, internally. Figure out what made him feel icky and why. Figure out if he should feel icky and what to do about it. He still has 'bad poly days,' so he tells me and we discuss it. I ask if he needs reassurances or more time, not if he needs me to dump my BF so he doesn't feel icky anymore.

TL;DR: sure, you can make this work, but you have to do the work, not make others do it so you never have to confront bad feelings.
 
Personally, I don't believe the guy and his wife stopped having sex. I think they just stopped letting the OP hear them having sex.

Who has sex, then immediately, right afterwards, before the jizz can even coagulate, says, "Oh, ok. If you don't like it, we won't do it anymore"? That does not compute. The brain struggles to make sense of that, and ultimately rejects it, because there is too much discrepancy between the empirical observations and the verbal description of the reality.
 
BoringGuy said:
Personally, i don't believe they guy and his wife stopped having sex. I think they just stopped letting the OP hear them having sex. Who has sex, then immediately, right afterwards, before the jizz can even coagulate, says, "Oh, ok. If you don't like it, we won't do it anymore"? That does not compute. The brain struggles to make sense of that, and ultimately rejects it, because there is too much discrepancy between the empirical observations and the verbal description of the reality.
Click to expand...

Something in this whole story isn't coagulating for me, iykwim.
 
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