DragonTamer - In The Beginning

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DragonTamer

New member
I'm a 40 yr old female, new here and new to polyamory. I've been reading older posts on here and found a wealth or interesting and pertinent information. As my BF and I are right at the start of a new journey I wanted to write a diary about the questions and discussions that came up as we went along a new path, along with the joy and the rewards of being able to explore new relationships and any bumps in the road that may come up.

So, my BF and I have been together on and off about a year. we had some time off at the end of last year and both had relationships with other partners. We got back in touch at the start of this year and actually spent a much longer time than ever before talking completely honestly about what we wanted from a relationship and thankfully and we were on the same page :)

I am a person that loves being in a very intimate spiritual and physical relationship. However, I always have felt some frustration that all the monogamous relationships I have been in felt like a door was closing on any potential new relationships with people I hadn't yet met. The freedom and security of Polyamory makes total sense for me and the way my head and heart work.

I'm very comfortable with the knowledge that love is an unlimited resource. I have 3 children from an earlier marriage so I know for a fact that the new love for each new child in no way diminishes the love for the children you have already.

It makes sense that honesty and communication are key, along with setting expectations and taking it slowly for everyone concerned. My BF and I have started to kick ideas and questions about between ourselves. Some of my uncertainties are about time management, how much info do we want to share with each other about our other relationships, while I dislike rules in general should there be some regarding safe sex, sleepovers, discretion in general, how to manage jealously/insecurity if it crops up, realising and adjusting to the fact that relationships and people grow and change all the time? Probably all the same stuff that everyone else wonders about!

Anyway, my BF and I have The Polyamory Handbook to read together so along with this forum, taking it slow, keeping it calm and making decisions with love for everyone involved we are hopefully starting on a fabulous new journey!

It's my intention to come back and update this as our journey progresses.
 
Hi DragonTamer,

Sounds like you have a good idea of what topics to investigate. Off the bat I'd say that as each person is different, so every relationship is different and the rules and guidelines you draw up will be unique to your situation. Having said that, we'll do our best to answer any questions you may have.

I look forward to hearing more of your story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin! We're currently reading The Polyamory Handbook together which has prompted lots of discussion. We're working towards putting together a relationship agreement to start us off. It's likely to be something that we will come back to and review as and when we meet other people as depending on how everyone feels but at least it will be a start. Will check out the links in your other thread too! Many thanks! :)
 
DragonTamer said:
. . . while I dislike rules in general should there be some regarding safe sex, sleepovers, discretion in general, how to manage jealously/insecurity if it crops up, realising and adjusting to the fact that relationships and people grow and change all the time?
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What's the deal with "sleepovers" (besides the fact that it sounds like a kiddie slumber party to me)? What kind of rules would you think necessary around someone staying overnight with a lover?

It's my opinion that adults in adult relationships, who respect and care about each other, don't need rules imposed on them. Saying to an intimate partner, "You are not allowed to do this or that," sends a message that you do not trust their judgment or ability to be a good partner. It also is the best way to encourage someone to do something you don't want them to do, by telling them they can't do it.

Instead, become familiar with or establish your own personal boundaries about what you want and will or will not accept in a relationship. Then, whether it is your current, longer-established boyfriend or a new lover, you determine how successfully any relationship is proceeding for you, by how well your boundaries have been respected. Of course, your partners and lovers need to know what their own boundaries are, too. You can make agreements between each other, but making rules for someone else to follow sucks. Your own personal boundaries are the most important thing to be aware of, IMHO. You can tweak some agreements according to how each of you are willing to negotiate your own boundaries.

I hope that is clear and makes sense.


DragonTamer said:
Anyway, my BF and I have The Polyamory Handbook . . .
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Not familiar with that one. Who wrote it?
 
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Hi Nycindie,

Thanks for your comments and yes, I dislike the term 'rules' too! Really what we are aiming for is to have honest and ongoing communication between us so that we are both aware of each others personal boundaries - those discussions then shaping the relationship agreement/rules/guidelines/boundaries or whatever term we settle on.

You make a good point about examining the driving emotions for any particular boundary and checking that it is in keeping with the spiritual principles we share.

The book is by Peter J Benson - it's the first book on Polyamory I have read so I have nothing to compare it to but it seems to be a reasonable basic beginners guide :)
 
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