Driving a Wedge in a "Poly" Relationship

[bignass04]

Hi folks,

I'm kind of at a loss for support so I figured I'd use the anonymity and wide reach of the Internet to my advantage in this situation

I met a girl about 9 months ago who I thought was totally amazing and unbelievably hot. She was in a casual relationship with a guy then and still is now. They were going out for about a year when they took a break this past June 2013. So I asked to hook up with her to explore what was there. The problem is, she has a mostly polyamorous outlook on relationships except she avoids commitment like the plague and keeps everything casual. When her guy (they don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend though they act like it) got back, she broke it off between the two of us because she said I was monogamous and wanted a girlfriend which she wanted none of so she went back to her guy. We still traveled in the same circle of friends so I continued to be her friend. I also still had feelings for her so I started learning about polyamory to see if this was something I could deal with but now I learned its not a lifestyle I'd want to choose.

The problem is about 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that what happened between us (3 months ago) was a big deal. Apparently she broke a rule in her and her guy's arrangement and it caused a fracture between them so she said we should take a break from hanging out.

The question I have for the forum is, does this happen a lot in a poly relationship? It seems really odd that she could break a rule without knowing it and she says it was her fault, not mine.

Thoughts anyone?

 

[Dagferi]

All poly relationship are different. No two are the same. Everyone's life view and experiences are different.

So how can we answer whether or not this happens often or etc.

 

[PolyinPractice]

Poly or just Non-Monogamy?

The problem is, she has a mostly polyamorous outlook on relationships except she avoids commitment like the plague and keeps everything casual.

While I am hesitant to tell anyone how to practice polyamory, my understanding was the difference between dating/open relationships/poly, was poly was about building multiple relationships at the same time....not simply just being with lots of people. That sounds more like non-monogamy (to me, poly is a subset of non-monogamy, alongside swinging, open relationships, casual dating).

From my perspective, it looks like she simply is in dating mode and isn't interested in commitment (at least not to the OP, sorry).

Perhaps look for someone really interested in a relationship? Poly people, despite popular myth, are often commitment-addicted.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

While I am hesitant to tell anyone how to practice polyamory, my understanding was the difference between dating/open relationships/poly, was poly was about building multiple relationships at the same time....not simply just being with lots of people. That sounds more like non-monogamy (to me, poly is a subset of non-monogamy, alongside swinging, open relationships, casual dating).

From my perspective, it looks like she simply is in dating mode and isn't interested in commitment (at least not to the OP, sorry).

Perhaps look for someone really interested in a relationship? Poly people, despite popular myth, are often commitment-addicted.

Agreed. it doesnt sound like she wants commitment in general....also, OP you probably shouldnt be worrying about what did or didnt happen with her, you decided poly isnt for you, she isnt a commitment girl poly or no..soo..move on and try to feel good about yourself.
But just as a shot in the dark, If I were to hook up with another guy with my husband being made aware of it first, that would break a rule in our poly relationship. But if my husband had some rule I was unaware of, then nothing was broken because i didnt know about it.

side note, also agree on loving committment PolyinPractice

 

[Marcus]

The problem is, she has a mostly polyamorous outlook on relationships except she avoids commitment like the plague and keeps everything casual.

Commitment is such a vague term; it's unfortunate to have a conversation in which it is the central idea.

By she keeps it casual, do you mean that:

She does not promise that she will be in the relationship for life?
That she does not purchase property and a home with someone?
She does not want to raise kids with someone?
That she does not wish to bind a relationship by legal contract?
That she will not be sexually and/or romantically exclusive to one person?​

"Commitment" can encompass all of these concepts and more.

she broke it off between the two of us because she said I was monogamous and wanted a girlfriend which she wanted none of ... I started learning about polyamory to see if this was something I could deal with but now I learned its not a lifestyle I'd want to choose.

So she said you are monogamous and want a traditional girlfriend, and you agree with her.

Sorry you didn't get the answer you were looking for from her, I know that is a huge letdown. However, it's good that the two of you realize that you have fundamental differences in your worldviews and are not going to try to put a square peg in a round hole.

Talk about saving a bunch of time and heart ache.

The problem is about 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that what happened between us (3 months ago) was a big deal. Apparently she broke a rule in her and her guy's arrangement and it caused a fracture between them so she said we should take a break from hanging out.

Why is this part the problem? Is it simply that you are disappointed because you don't get to hang out with her? If so, I can empathize, but there isn't anything to be done about it.

Just chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

The question I have for the forum is, does this happen a lot in a poly relationship? It seems really odd that she could break a rule without knowing it and she says it was her fault, not mine.

Poly relationships are all identical, just like monogamous relationships. That is to say, they vary wildly from relationship to relationship - probably even more than in monogamous relationships. So what the other posters have said is exactly right... there is really no answer to this question.

 

[london]

Hi folks,

I'm kind of at a loss for support so I figured I'd use the anonymity and wide reach of the Internet to my advantage in this situation

I met a girl about 9 months ago who I thought was totally amazing and unbelievably hot. She was in a casual relationship with a guy then and still is now. They were going out for about a year when they took a break this past June 2013. So I asked to hook up with her to explore what was there. The problem is, she has a mostly polyamorous outlook on relationships except she avoids commitment like the plague and keeps everything casual. When her guy (they don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend though they act like it) got back, she broke it off between the two of us because she said I was monogamous and wanted a girlfriend which she wanted none of so she went back to her guy. We still traveled in the same circle of friends so I continued to be her friend. I also still had feelings for her so I started learning about polyamory to see if this was something I could deal with but now I learned its not a lifestyle I'd want to choose.

The problem is about 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that what happened between us (3 months ago) was a big deal. Apparently she broke a rule in her and her guy's arrangement and it caused a fracture between them so she said we should take a break from hanging out.

The question I have for the forum is, does this happen a lot in a poly relationship? It seems really odd that she could break a rule without knowing it and she says it was her fault, not mine.

Thoughts anyone?

Yes. Often rules/boundaries etc can be misunderstood for a variety of reasons and then one person feels betrayed by the other person's actions. This can be a big thing for all parties involved because the person/people who unintentionally violated the boundary feels/feel absolutely terrible for having done so. On top of this, when you are setting rules/boundaries for your partner's romantic and/or sexual relationships with other people, particularly when they are relationships that don't even exist yet, it can be difficult to foresee how the people in that relationship will feel when it is actually developing. A restriction that doesn't feel so restrictive when you talk about it beforehand suddenly feels like it's stopping you from having something that will be an extremely positive aspect of your life. This happens more often in relationships that have a lot of rules about how new relationships can develop and the people you can have them with, because of course, there is more that could potentially be misunderstood or is simply unrealistic when two people are bonding in that way.

In your case, I'd probably say that it was just a miscommunication between them; they sound like they've got something going that works for them both but there was just a little glitch.

 

[GalaGirl]

The problem is about 2 weeks ago, she sent me a text saying that what happened between us (3 months ago) was a big deal. Apparently she broke a rule in her and her guy's arrangement and it caused a fracture between them so she said we should take a break from hanging out.

Your (ex/ now only a friend) texts you that she cannot hang out right now.
Whatever reason she gives? Doesn't matter. Time management wise? She cannot hang out right now. She is letting you know, so you aren't left in the dark about where she got off to.

The question I have for the forum is, does this happen a lot in a poly relationship? It seems really odd that she could break a rule without knowing it and she says it was her fault, not mine.

Maybe she means there was a misunderstanding. They made an agreement and he thought it meant X and she thought it meant Y and now they have conflict to resolve.

She needs to take a time out from other relationships (including friendships) to spend extra time resolving it with him and make repairs.

Fair enough. Mistakes happen in any relationship. People apologize, and try to make it right.

You could thank her for the heads up and then ask her for some clarification for when (you and her friendship's) hanging out time might return to normal or when a check in might happen.

Then you know what to expect so you can deal in your OWN time management.

Galagirl