Embarrassing problem.

Ha! I love the play by play! :D It's awesome!

I had a lover a few years ago that had the same issue. He and I decided to build a relationship first. Lo and behold! No connection, no hard cock. I'm talking a connection that comes with knowing someone for longer than a few days, the kind that builds from experiencing each other; figuring out what makes someone tick. Not, "This chick is hot and talks how I like."

In my experience, the relationships I have had that have been sexual too early have also ended early. No problem with that, but if you are looking for something long-term it might be something to consider. Slow down, maybe. Get to know each other. Let the horniness build. That can be really fun! Set a date a month from now, or something, to try again. Add lots of dates in between of a non-sexual nature. I sometimes think a little holding back is a good idea.

Partners with boundary issues can help with that, as they quite often object to rushed sex. But in this case, your partner doesn't seem to mind. Too bad. That could've been helpful. ;)
 
redpepper said:
Slow down, get to know each other, let the horniness build. That can be really fun! Set a date a month from now, or something... add lots of dates in between of a non-sexual nature. I think a little holding back is a good idea.
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What she said. And to paraphrase, maybe it was just too soon? Saturday to today = 4 days. Not a very long time at all.
 
Try having her perform fellatio on you first, until completion. Then you perform cunnilingus on her until completion. Then try to have intercourse.
 
I had no trouble during fellatio. I attained a full erection, and maintained it.

Sheesh, it's weird to talk about this in such a clinical fashion.

After she left, I masturbated for ten minutes or so without much trouble, just to make sure my boys were workin.'

Regarding the "Maybe it's too soon" comments, when I met my wife, we had such an explosive connection that we made love less than 24 hours after we met. We still have such an explosive connection that I'll go from zero to sprung after less than 10 seconds of kissing her. I could be very very spoiled by this, because she's gorgeous, and incredibly sexy and sexual. She's got an amazing sex drive. We typically have sex between 3 and 12 times a week, depending on all other factors.

I'm also not exactly looking for a long-term relationship with anyone else. A FWB is a better description of how I view an ideal lover, and the closeness of that friendship is entirely dependent on the individual.

Interesting idea to try oral until completion. I will request that next time (if there is a next time!).
 
The reason I say until completion is this-- if you blow your load during oral, and then spend half an hour (or more, depending) performing oral on her, then you will have the recovery time taken care of. And you will definitely be in the mood. Plus, she will know that you can keep an erection to completion. Well, at least her mouth and throat will know. ;)
 
Maybe you are comparing her to your wife. I met and had sex with Mono within a week. With Derby it took about a month. With my husband it was a few weeks. I don't think comparing is going to get to the root of it. With some it's instant, and with others it takes time.

I think you are creating a mountain out of a molehill, at this point. Why put it on yourself? So you aren't a big stud with her. So what? I'm sure she is having fun, regardless. She came back, no?
 
SvartSvensk said:
If I'm honest, this is seriously bumming me out. I actually feel a little emasculated by my own man bits. Maybe it's just not the right woman?
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Honestly, it sounds like you are putting a tonne of pressure on yourself. It happens. You are in a mindfuck of a situation for your first time. Your wife is giving you permission to have sex with someone else. Then you have one bad episode and beat yourself up. You are young, and unless you have any previous medical conditions, you are likely suffering from a bit of anxiety about it. Don't overthink it. Your penis will work if you simply let it. You penis will appreciate the lack of thought.

"Not the right woman" is the wrong way to look at it, on so many levels.
 
Ariakas said:
You penis will appreciate the lack of thought.
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:D Good point.

Ariakas said:
"Not the right woman" is the wrong way to look at it.
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Agreed. Just because you might be use to slamming one home in record time with other women, each coupling has a different chemistry. Maybe your body wants to slow down and enjoy this woman. Drink her all in, savor her like a fine wine, instead chugging her down like a quick beer.
 
Don't be too quick to diss the meds that can help. It's not really a given that all men work all the time. Other meds, medical conditions, and age all are factors in "performance." And, those changes start slowly and build over time. It's not like you wake up one morning and need meds to help with ED all the time. I would mention it to your doctor the next time you have a physical. They might have more insight than what you will find online in a forum like this.
 
Yes, he could mention it to his doctor. But Swede he is 30. Unless he has an existing medical condition, I would not recommend considering drugs at this point. If you start needing them now, you could run into problems later. Maybe it's just me, but I'd never treat this symptom with drugs first thing, especially when it could just be pressure. Understand it happens to other men, accept it and work with it.

I think every time I have been in a new situation (a new partner, a threesome or foursome, etc.), I have been challenged. Once my brain got settled, I doubt any of my past or current lovers would think there is a problem. Unless you are showing problems consistently (i.e., with your wife) then accept it for what it probably is and get comfortable.

Who knows? Maybe I am the odd man out here. :)
 
There was a letter to Dan Savage recently about a man who couldn't get it hard for his mistress. With Swede, this is poly, or more accurately, FWBs, but not cheating. We all know that here. But maybe the problem that guy was having, thinking, "I'm doing something wrong" > anxiety, stress > no hard-on, are the same you are having. Even though you know your wife is fine with it, maybe you've been conditioned to think it's wrong and are having a hard time (well, a not-so-hard time) getting past that.

Just something to consider.
 
SvartSvensk said:
This could be, but how? Everything seems right to me, except for my ding-dong not working.
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Perhaps you're just thinking about it too much now and you're becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
Derbylicious said:
Perhaps you're just thinking about it too much now and you're becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.
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Penises have a way of doing that!

I have a friend who can't get hard the first few times with any woman he feels a connection to.

If you don't already have an open dialogue about the issue you're experiencing with this woman, I'd suggest you start talking about it. Something simple. ("Hey, how about my dick last night? Wasn't working; I think you're too intimidating!") A little reassurance from her could do wonders for your brain. You won't be wondering what she's thinking, etc.

Also, how are you putting your condom on? Do you try to get it on as soon as possible when you know it's "go" time? That could be scaring your man parts. Try putting the condom on and not jumping straight to sex. Touch yourself or have her touch you with it on. Don't be afraid to go through a few condoms before you actually have sex.

But yeah. As others have said, stop thinking about it. Your cock will thank you! :p
 
You do realize, of course, that you're asking a man to NOT THINK ABOUT HIS COCK!? Seriously, you think that's gonna happen? Well, I'll do my best. I plan to just enjoy the way things go, and hopefully it'll sort itself out.

Sex with the wife has continued to be phenomenal, if anything, better since I started seeing a new lady. That little twinge of jealousy drives her wild, in a good way, I guess. :)

As for how I'm trying the condom, I've tried a couple things. At first I took a blitzkrieg approach, then backed off gradually to a slower strategy. I've managed to enter using the first technique, but then went soft shortly thereafter. Perhaps blitzkrieg was the best plan of action. Get it on and get it in before it realizes what's happening, and let nature take over.
 
SvartSvensk said:
You do realize, of course... that you're asking a man..... to NOT THINK ABOUT HIS COCK!?

Seriously, you think that's gonna happen? Well, I'll do my best - gonna just enjoy the way things go, and hopefully it'll just sort itself out.
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Umm... I am a man. Sometimes you just gotta let your cock do the job. Overthinking causes the problems.

When I first got into non-monogamy, I started with threesomes. I was panicking and worried. What ended up helping me was letting things flow naturally. I stopped thinking about the positions, the orgasms and the step-by-steps of fucking, and went back to the way sex is with just my wife. Once I got rid of the logic and went a little animal, the nervous anxiety went away and I was ready to go. For me, sex can't be broken down into cute little pieces of sexual positioning. I am a grab-and-go kind of guy. The more my brain is engaged, the worse the experience is for me. Once any part of sex becomes work, the cock stops wanting to play.
Sex with the wife has continued to be phenomenal, if anything, better since I started seeing a new lady. That little twinge of jealousy drives her wild, in a good way.
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Gotta love healthy competition!
 
Ariakas said:
For me, sex can't be broken down into cute little pieces of sexual positioning, I am a grab-and-go kind of guy. The more my brain is engaged, the worse the experience is, for me.
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Yeah, I'm the same way, to a point. If I don't engage the logic portions of my brain at all, I'm sometimes a short-duration beast.
 
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