Emotionally withdrawn or am I paranoid?

Cuppycake

Cuppycake

New member
After being out of town for a few days my husband is displaying some behaviors that have me feeling a bit worried and uncomfortable. He came home Sunday morning and spent most of the day half playing with the kids and texting with his free hand. I cooked dinner and when I told him it was ready he just said "ok" and went into the bedroom for a bit. When he finally sat down to eat our daughter and I were pretty much finished. He didn't eat much and when I asked if he'd like me to pack leftovers for his lunch all he said was "sure" and went back to the couch and watched TV. He typically helps me clean up the kitchen and do dishes after dinner but this time he didn't even clear his own plate.

The next day I woke up and realized he was already gone. This isn't that unusual because he leaves very early, but typically I wake up when he starts getting ready. He hadn't given me a kiss goodbye.

So last night he comes home and pretty much immediately falls asleep on the couch. I wake him for dinner and it's a repeat of the night before. I tell him I need to run to the store and he stays home with the kids. Later that evening after the kids are asleep he is watching TV. I sit down next to him, he puts his arm behind me on the couch but doesn't touch me. He goes to the bathroom and when he returns he sits in the chair instead of the couch with me. He picks up his work computer and starts working. He must have noticed my face because he then says "sorry, I forgot I had to do this for tomorrow." After a while he puts his laptop back in it's case and then sits on the couch with me. We watch TV for a bit and then I got up to shower and get ready for bed. I came back out to the living room in nothing but panties and straddle him, hugging and kissing him. I felt he wasn't into it and when I sat up straight to look at him he "honked" my breasts, half smiled and said "gotta pee" while pushing me off.

I got into bed and he came in a few minutes later. We snuggled for a while. I was rubbing his chest and we talked about our days (finally). He had his arm around me and kept patting my back. Three quick pats *pat pat pat*. I said "why are you doing that?" He shrugged and said he didn't know. I asked if something was bothering him because he seemed distracted. He replied that he was tired, rolled over and went to sleep. This morning he left again without kissing or saying goodbye.

I feel that something is up. I literally feel the anxiety in my gut. I don't want to pester him, and because I've already asked a couple of times if there was a problem I know my asking again would be seen as that (pestering.)

I guess I really just needed to vent. I'm frightened and worried because the past has taught me that when he asks like this there is something he is keeping from me. I don't know what to do.
 
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Trust your instincts. Since you have tried asking him, I would probably make a simple statement to the effect: "Your behavior tells me you are keeping something from me; I guess you will tell me when you are ready." Then I would totally disengage.

By making this statement, it let's him know he isn't fooling anyone. He will probably have to mull it over. Don't expect an immediate disclosure.
 
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You mentioned in another thread that your h has a lot on his plate. A job, National Guard, a long distance gf, your two small kids.

Sounds to me like he's having trouble at one of his jobs or with his gf and isn't ready to talk about it. Sucks for you, but this is his pattern, right?

I'd back off and stop trying to talk or have sex. Make sure he helps with kids and dishes though! Sheesh! Family comes first.

I hope he opens up soon. Some people don't know what their emotions are until they analyze them rationally. Asperger's people have shared that here. Any chance he is Aspie? My recent ex bf was, and he experienced and acted on his emotions much differently that I do.
 
He is busy and sometimes he does get closed off. What's really bothering me is the lack of physical contact and when he does touch me it just feels awkward, like he doesn't want to do it. Since he's been home every time he's touched me it has been in an almost "silly" way, like the boob honking. He's got a pretty high sex drive so it's very unusual that he wouldn't respond to my advances. Actually, the only time he's acted like this and also not been interested in sex (besides when he's ill) was shortly before I discovered his past affair and he told me he was thinking of divorce. Things had been a lot better between us this year, very good. We reconnected in an amazing way after working on our problems. Suddenly it seems like I'm back at square one.

I guess that's why I'm so uncomfortable, because the last time he acted like this to such a degree that he wasn't even touching me was when he was thinking of leaving.

I guess all I can do is hope whatever is bothering him gets resolved or that he chooses to finally talk to me. Not much else I can do, right?
 
You can communicate verbally. That seems less prone to misinterpretation and resentment than this mind-and-body reading you're doing and expecting him to do. I like bookbug's suggestion. Tell him that reading his actions is telling you he's keeping something from you and that he doesn't want intimacy, but that you'd rather hear from him verbally what is going on with him.

If he refuses to give you more information, you can only go on what you know, and protect your own interests, emotionally and otherwise. Sure, give him time if that's something you feel able to do. But also address with yourself the what-ifs, assuming you're right. Can you talk to Bean about it, or do you two not have that kind of relationship?
 
To me he sounds like a man mulling over bailing the relationship.
 
Don't frame this to be about him. Tell him that you need more physical contact. What you are getting isn't enough. If he doesn't tell you what the cause is, that's okay, but he needs to step up and take care of you.
 
ClockworkDragon said:
Don't frame this to be about him. Tell him that you need more physical contact. What you are getting isn't enough. If he doesn't tell you what the cause is, that's okay, but he needs to step up and take care of you.
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Okay, that's a better answer than mine. Instead of reading mind and body and demanding personal info, say what you need, ask if he'd be willing to help you meet specific needs, and develop strategies for yourself if he can't or isn't willing to.
 
Dagferi said:
To me he sounds like a man mulling over bailing the relationship.
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I agree. If it were me I'd tell nate that I feel the lack of intimacy was having a negative impact on out relationship and we need to set aside aome time to just be alone. Even if that means putting on Some music, locking the bedroom door, and cuddling. Then I would insist it happen, no excuses.
 
Could keep this simple and direct. Maybe something like...

"I notice you seem preoccupied and when I ask if there is something up, you do not seem to want to talk about it. That is ok. I figure if/when you want to talk you will let me know about your need to talk.

On my end of things, I crave connection with you. I need that. Be it in the form of heart to heart talking or sex share or something else.... Could you be willing to spend some focused time with me and reconnect as a couple rather than in family mode? If so, when is a good time for couple time for you? "

Galagirl
 
If I were you, I'd say, "Listen, I know something is going on with you. You are not yourself. I don't know what's bothering you, but it is affecting me and our family, and has me worried. There's no sense in avoiding it any longer. We're not going to sleep tonight without discussing it, so start talking."
 
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