ENM - working thru negative emotions

[Donuts78992]

Hello,

I am a 33 year old female in a long term and long distance relationship with a 33 year old male. My boyfriend and I dated for two years in a monogamous relationship and then when he moved away for grad school, we opened up our relationship. We’ve been open for a year and a half. So far, only my bf has gone on dates and I am monogamous. I have not told anyone in my life that we opened our relationship except for my therapist, our couples therapist, and my bf. Everyone I just mentioned thinks I need a support group to help me work through my emotions. They want me to normalize this. Being non-monogamous makes sense logically to me, but I’m having trouble with my emotions- mainly jealousy and feeling like I will be abandoned.

I’m not really sure what else you need to know about me and my relationship in order to offer help.

I’m open to dating, but don’t want people to find out so I’m not putting myself out there.

The long term part of our relationship is supposed to come to an end in June, but we’re both afraid of me moving across the country if we’re not sure I’m able to be happy in this relationship.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Donuts78992,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Here are some links to help you with the jealousy (and insecurity):

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Can I ask, do you have a time in your past when you were abandoned in some way? Maybe that's influencing how you feel in the present. You know nonmonogamy makes sense logically, so there must be something buried deep in your subconscious to have an effect on your emotions. Dig down into your past, and see what you can find out. Keep posting here about how you feel, and why you think you might feel that way. Also consider seeing a therapist.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello,

I am a 33 year old female in a long term and long distance relationship with a 33 year old male. My boyfriend and I dated for two years in a monogamous relationship and then when he moved away for grad school, we opened up our relationship. We’ve been open for a year and a half. So far, only my bf has gone on dates and I am monogamous.

Was your bf interested in an open relationship before he went away for school? Or is this just for him to have affection and sex until he gets his degree?

It's quite possible polyamory is not for you. If you don't like it, you have the right to back out of the relationship.

On the other hand, if you feel like you'd enjoy poly and could love more than one, but you're holding back, why? Are your local family and your community very conservative?

I have not told anyone in my life that we opened our relationship except for my therapist, our couples therapist, and my bf. Everyone I just mentioned thinks I need a support group to help me work through my emotions. They want me to normalize this. Being non-monogamous makes sense logically to me, but I’m having trouble with my emotions- mainly jealousy and feeling like I will be abandoned.


I’m open to dating, but don’t want people to find out so I’m not putting myself out there.

What would be the consequences if your local family and friends found out?

The long term part of our relationship is supposed to come to an end in June, but we’re both afraid of me moving across the country if we’re not sure I’m able to be happy in this relationship.

If you did move across country to where your bf is, would you feel more comfortable in an open relationship there, in a new environment? That sounds good.

Are there possible plans to move in with your bf? Then he could have you and his newer gf (if that relationship lasts), and you could also date and maybe find an OSO as well.

Maybe you'd have less jealousy if you had more actual face time with bf. More dates, cuddles, sex, reassurance. Are there any plans to visit him between now and June?

Feel free to answer my questions and add any more information about logistics, social issues, feelings and fears.