everything's broken

inlove2x

inlove2x

New member
I feel so dumb. This is my intro, for some background..

I'm a chick from the PNW now living in middle TN. Married (happily) for 11 years with two boys. About three years ago I fell in love with a girl while hubby traveled for work. (He used to be gone ALOT from anywhere between 4 and 15 months) Of all the times he's left us I have never ever caught or even thought about catching feelings for someone else...and in my whole life I've never been attracted to girls. There's something special about this one though, we have this crazy connection I've never experienced.
Was honest with the hubby throughout the development of mine and her relationship and we decided to give polyfidelity a try...however it's been a rough and winding trail and I am feeling very lost.

The reason I feel dumb is for trying to involve monogamous people in a poly relationship, and for ever having an expectation it would work out.

I feel lilke I did everything wrong. IDK.

We all lived together for 2.5 years (however hubby was still traveling often for work). At first J (husband) and A (girlfriend) were developing a pretty good relationship. I personally feel like things started to unravel due to communication issues, and insecurities...and a little bit of jealousy.

But all this time I fell deeper and deeper for her. and they drifted further and further apart. A couple weeks ago I talked to them both about counseling for the three of us..and they both agreed. So I researched counselors in the Nashville area and found a bunch. I was drafting an email to them to find the right one..and in the middle of my draft everything fell apart.

J and A got into a huge, violent fight. and he threw her things out and kicked her out. We all ended up hurt and alone in the end because I told both of them their behavior was crazy and unacceptable and I wouldn't be with either of them if they didn't stop. And they didn't stop.

So she moved back to the south..7 hours away. and I moved into my own part of the house.

I still love them both and can't imagine a future without them. Im so broken and hurt I can barely function. I have been crying for days, not sleeping, not eating. I have lost 15 lbs since she left. I miss her so much.

He doesn't understand. He thinks I need to make the choice to let her go...and I'll be fine. But I feel like its not a choice I can make. The connection I have with her isn't one I chose, its like it was chosen for me. I don't even like girls but I freakin love this one!!!

And she feels the same way. Broken and lost.

We didn't break up, we were torn apart. And its killing us.

He thinks I need to come to him, and we need to go back to the days before I met her "when we were happy"...like we can just erase the last 2.5 years and pretend it never happened.

I feel like Im going to be bitter at him for the rest of my life if he doesn't let me love her and Im going to grieve our relationship like I grieve the death of my closest relative who I lost many years ago but still have to hold back tears every day when I think of her.

I've considered leaving him for her but don't want to do that to our kids. I do love him and I don't want to abandon him.

Im so full of regrets its made me suicidal. I don't know how to move forward, I don't know how to put the "should haves" aside. I feel like no matter where I go from here Im hurting someone.

so I love them both, and want to be with them both, and they both love me, and want to be with me...but they are so angry and hurt at eachother they don't want to work things out polyamorously. (is polyamorously a word? LoL I think I might have just made it up)

My whole future is torn to pieces and I don't know how to move forward now. UGH. I have a way of complicating things that is unmatched by any other human being, I swear.

Thanks for letting me vent.
 
Whoa, that sounds intense and I'm sorry to hear that things are so unbelievable for you right now. That's so sad to hear. =(

Sounds like your husband is ignoring the fact that you have a deep, loving relationship with your girlfriend on top of the one you have for him, and he's forcing you to choose. Was he like this when he was away traveling so much? Were his hostilities more apparent when he was home? Was this equal amount of lashing out between the two of them, or more one sided? Is your girlfriend giving you the same pushback from the other end?

You shouldn't feel dumb for something you were given every indication was okay with all parties involved from the start. It just broke down at a point, either from one person or from several angles. It doesn't sound like you "did everything wrong", but miscommunication or lack of communication tends to be a huge factor in any relationship's breakdown, not exclusive to mono or poly.

I wouldn't let despair weigh you down when it sounds like you have some avenues to take. Stay strong.
 
Oh sweetie. I know you feel like you're the only one that ever found herself in an untenable mess that leaves no way forward without hurting someone. Not that it's much consolation, but many of us have been where you are. A lot of us got there the same way you did - by experiencing emotions that fell outside of our anything else we experienced before. So you should absolutely stop beating yourself up with the "should haves." 20-20 hindsight is an awesome thing, but it does no one any good, nor does it help you move forward.

However, I do get it that it is natural to wonder if you could have done anything to prevent this. The practical answer is no. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time.

So moving forward. Due to the behavior of both your husband and your gf, they have both assured that whether you choose one or the other or none, that you are hurt. They have left absolutely no options for you not to be hurt.

Your husband is living in denial. His solution is simplistic and unrealistic. There is no way it can go back to the way it was. That genie is not going back in the bottle.

I am so sorry.
 
when he travels we barely talk. his job doesn't allow a lot of connection when he's gone.

i know a lot of his hostilities come from him trying to be close to her, but he wasn't patient about it at all. She is a closed book. She never gets close to anyone, in fact I think Im the first person she's ever been close to besides her mom. And I think she is closer to me than she is to her mom. Her childhood was terrible and the loss of a sibling traumatized her terribly. She has never let anybody in besides me. she was letting him in and somehow that got messed up..lack of effective communication somewhere I think.

But in the end it was like he was pushing us away even though he wanted us closer, but when he pushed so we pushed, he got angrier and angrier..and then she started getting angry because he was constantly upsetting me because I was constantly trying to find a balance where I made everyone happy but they made it impossible.

I wanted them to have a relationship, even a physical one. I wanted to learn to get past jealousy and practice compersion. When she didn't want to have sex with him (she identifies as lesbian) I offered for him to find another sexual partner (because I don't have a strong sexual need and he is insatiable when it comes to sex) but he got mad at me.

idk. I feel like Im better off alone. I feel like I've ruined the lives of the most important people in my life. ugh.
 
inlove2x said:
I wanted them to have a relationship, even a physical one. I wanted to learn to get past jealousy and practice compersion. When she didn't want to have sex with him (she identifies as lesbian) I offered for him to find another sexual partner (because I don't have a strong sexual need and he is insatiable when it comes to sex) but he got mad at me.
Click to expand...

Oh dear. It's okay if metamours have only a polite acknowledgement between each other. And it's okay of you're in a vee instead of a triad. You can't force a friendship, romance, or sexual liaison between two people who are incompatible. Your husband sounds like he became very focused or obsessed with the idea of her being a sex partner of his, but that's crazy if she's a lesbian.
 
Sounds like the only mistake you made was trying to force a relationship between your husband and your girlfriend. There's no reason they have to have any relationship with each other at all (besides, you know, polite acceptance of the other's existence.)

I agree there's no going back now. Hubby is going to have to understand that. But can't you move forward with a NEW dynamic, where hubby and girlfriend don't have to interact much?
 
I am sorry you are hurting...

How would your husband, who I am assuming is heterosexual, feel if he was forced to have sex/sexual contact with a bi or gay man. I bet he would flip out.

My husbands have nothing to do with each other other than the occasional friendly family event. I bouncebbetween 2 separate homes. It has been over 2 years and it works well.

Your gf and husband do not have to have anything to do with each other other than respect your other relationship.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent. I am very sorry you are hurting right now. :(

I'd like to lift a few things up:

Im so full of regrets its made me suicidal. I don't know how to move forward, I don't know how to put the "should haves" aside. I feel like no matter where I go from here Im hurting someone.
Click to expand...

If you are thinking of killing yourself? Make that the top priority -- get help, check into hospital, call national hotline, whatever it is you need to do. The rest can sort out over time when you are more able to think clearly and not through a grief/anger cloud.

You do not have to solve everything at once.

so I love them both, and want to be with them both, and they both love me, and want to be with me...but they are so angry and hurt at eachother they don't want to work things out polyamorously.
Click to expand...

This can be sorted later. It may be possible for you guys NOT to live together, and be in a "V" rather than trying to be a co-habitating triad.

But again... LATER. After you are stable and not suicidal.

Please get care.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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LoveBunny said:
Sounds like the only mistake you made was trying to force a relationship between your husband and your girlfriend. There's no reason they have to have any relationship with each other at all (besides, you know, polite acceptance of the other's existence.)

I agree there's no going back now. Hubby is going to have to understand that. But can't you move forward with a NEW dynamic, where hubby and girlfriend don't have to interact much?
Click to expand...


I didn't try to force it, I did encourage it. And at first they had a blast flirting and playing around..She drew a line at sex and I get that. He didn't.
I hope we can move forward with a new dynamic, right now only time will tell :/
 
Dagferi said:
I am sorry you are hurting...

How would your husband, who I am assuming is heterosexual, feel if he was forced to have sex/sexual contact with a bi or gay man. I bet he would flip out.

My husbands have nothing to do with each other other than the occasional friendly family event. I bouncebbetween 2 separate homes. It has been over 2 years and it works well.

Your gf and husband do not have to have anything to do with each other other than respect your other relationship.
Click to expand...

question: when you entered the relationship(s) did you already identify as poly?
How do your husbands cope with you bouncing back and forth?

See, for me, I never identified as poly, or even really knew anything about the lifestyle until I was in love with two people and like omg what do I do now? Then I researched it, read opening up and learned.
My husband has this sense of entitlement when it comes to me, like all my love should be his and it pisses me off and drives me away.
But thats his culture, its how he was raised and he didn't ask for this lifestyle so I cant be too mad at him.
But idk how to get him to open up his mind and be ok with changing that. I feel like Im going to have to either give in to him and be with only him and hurt and grieve her for the rest of my life and end up becoming bitter.
or
Im going to have to leave him and tell him to go find someone who will make him happy. Because I honestly think with the changes I've made and who Ive become he will never be happy with me.
 
No when I married Butch I didn't id as poly. I was a serial monogamist if you want to be technical..

I still don't id as anything other than myself.

I started dating outside my relationship with Butch approx 5 yrs ago. I am polyfi so I do not have the urge to add others to my life.

Neither husband is bothered by my bouncing between homes. Both are comfortable with alone time. If Butch is working the kids and puppy comes with.
 
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