Exploring Poly

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gene

New member
Hey all,

I am very new to this, so bear with me. I am in my early 20s, in a 3 year heterosexual relationship with a man who was my first sexual partner. I find this relationship deeply satisfying both emotionally and physically, but for a while now I have experienced intense feelings towards others that I have struggled to suppress. I have been trying to understand how I can feel satisfied in my relationship and still be left wanting for someone or something more... but as I continue to suppress these feelings they only become more intense and distracting. Putting a label on these feelings is difficult, because I don't feel that what I want to do is 'cheat' or 'swing.' I just feel and respond towards different people in different ways.

I am afraid that bottling up my emotions could ultimately prove detrimental to my relationship, just as I feel that opening the door to a poly relationship could prove detrimental. I am left feeling confused and frustrated- both emotionally and sexually and I have begun to wonder if a polyamorous relationship would be more satisfying for us both. However, I don't know how to broach the subject. We have tried to have this conversation before but never seriously.

In short, I've joined this forum because I am interested in exploring polyamory. I am looking to do more reading and research on the subject, to improve my understanding of my own sexuality, and to improve communication in my relationship(s).

Any advice or encouragement appreciated!

Thank you for listening,
- gene
 
Greetings gene,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Admitting to your (heretofore) monogamous partner that you're having polyamorous feelings isn't easy to do. It's not an easy conversation to have, but it must be had, and sooner is generally better than later. Not that you are trying to rush him into polyamory, just that you are trying to be honest with him about what you're feeling and what sort of uncertainty your thoughts are experiencing.

It's a great idea to join Polyamory.com and do as much research as you can. See what threads and boards call to you, and don't hesitate to post whatever thoughts, questions, or concerns you may have as they arise. There's a ton of stuff to learn about polyamory, and this site is a great home base for that learning process.

Polyamory can be complicated and it's not for everyone. But based on the feelings you're having, I'd say it's at least something that you'd like to try. I hope we can be helpful for you in figuring out how to get from A to B, so to speak.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi gene,

I'm 43 and have been married to my wife for ten years. After struggling with the should-I/shouldn't-I dilemma in my head, I finally revealed to her that I'm poly about a month ago. It triggered several long conversations, and some tears.

My wife is still uncomfortable with the topic, but it's early. Everyone takes time to acclimate to something like this. But I can tell you that I feel a lot better having told her. I have no idea what the future holds (wo does?), but I'm confident she and I are going to face it together.
 
Thank you both for the kind words. I'm glad that you opened up to your wife, Seeker, and I wish you both the best!

Right now I feel like in order to have a conversation like this with my bf I need to first do some serious introspection and sort out my own values, needs, wants, etc. For my own sake, I feel like I need to find a label to place on how I am feeling, so that I can relate to others - whether its poly or otherwise - but I am struggling to find something I feel comfortable with. I'm science minded, and I feel like I've been approaching this situation very clinically. But I don't need a diagnosis. I don't need absolution. Just acceptance and stability.

Regardless, this site seems to be super welcoming and open. I'm unsure if poly is the route I will ultimately go, but either way I am sure that my journey will be an illuminating and ultimately positive experience in my life. :)

Cheers,
- gene
 
The book "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino, may help you on your journey to identify the right label for you. It's a great book, and explains the nuts and bolts of all kinds of responsible non-monogamous dynamics.

Cheating is a subset of non-monogamy. Poly and swing are subsets of responsible non-monogamy. Swing is usually thought of as being more about casual hookups, whereas poly is usually thought of as being more about falling in love and otherwise getting emotionally involved with additional partners. That's a rough sketch of how the world of non-monogamy is laid out, but "Opening Up" will tell you much more.

For those who like Venn (Euler?) diagrams, Franklin Veaux drew an interesting map of the terrain; you can check that out and see if it's not too confusing. :)

Anyway, you don't need to rush into the conversation with your boyfriend; take your time and get comfortable with exactly what to tell him, and how to answer his questions.

We'll be pulling for you,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the reading suggestion and the Venn Diagram!

I've tracked down a copy of 'The Ethical Slut' online and I'm trying to get a copy of 'Opening Up' and 'The Threesome Handbook' as well. I'm sure this all should keep me occupied for a while. :)
 
I haven't read "Threesome Handbook" but I've read "Opening Up" and "Ethical Slut" and can vouch for both.
 
Just saying hello and welcome, too! Once you have read (at least a part of) the books mentoined, maybe you'd like to share what you learned from them with us? I would be interested to hear.

I like your attitude towards poly and towards finding out your own preferences in life. Good luck with it all!
 
Re:
"Once you have read (at least a part of) the books mentioned, maybe you'd like to share what you learned from them with us? I would be interested to hear."
Click to expand...

[raises hand] Here here, me too.
 
gene said:
I've tracked down a copy of 'The Ethical Slut' online and I'm trying to get a copy of 'Opening Up' and 'The Threesome Handbook' as well. I'm sure this all should keep me occupied for a while. :)
Click to expand...
There are a few other good books and other resources on poly mentioned in this thread, in our Golden Nuggets forum: Polyamory Books, Magazines, Websites (If you go to your "User CP"page and set your default viewing to 40 posts per page, it's much easier to read longer discussion threads).

Regarding that "Threesomes" book you mentioned - you are aware that threesomes and/or moresomes are not automatically a requirement in poly, right? Many, many polyfolk do not engage in group sex. Just an FYI. :)
 
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