Extra Practical - Birth Control

G

GrowingTogether

New member
Hey everyone,

My wife and I are still pretty early in our open marriage / polyamory journey. So early, in fact, that we're not really sure how to define our relationship (hence my "/" in the above sentence). One of the things my wife, in particular, is struggling with is the "safety" side. I have had a vasectomy, and it's a requirement in any of my extra-marital relationships that we use condoms, so we're kind of covered on my side, at least as far as pregnancy goes. My wife, on the other hand, is still fertile.

Her issue basically boils down to how to have this conversation with her doctor. Our doctor knows that I have had a vasectomy, and so it feels like there is some potential for an awkward conversation if she were to go in and ask to get on the pill or some other form of birth control. I'm wondering if anyone else has had this conversation with their doctor and how it has played out - if you've faced any awkwardness or any questions at all.

Thanks in advance for the insights.
 
Well, there are a number of health benefits to various forms of hormonal birth control - lighter periods, hormonal mood swing control, etc etc etc. If any of those are something that could apply to your wife, you COULD use those as a reason with the birth control aspect being a secondary effect, as far as the doctor is concerned.

You _could_ do this.

I don't recommend it.

Here's the thing - if you're gonna be non-monogamous, one of the first things (IMO) that you need to do is OWN the fact that you ARE, and that being so has responsibilities, including birth control and STI testing. (Let's face it, there's no other reason for STI testing, and it still needs to happen. )

That may be an awkward convo. It will be more awkward if you are (well, if she is) hesitant about it. If it's overly awkward or you find the doctor judgmental, there are other doctors in the world, and don't forget you/your insurance pay them, not the other way around.

All of that said, it is also an option to go to a local planned parenthood for that type of medical care (birth control and STI testing) and not involve your family doctor at all.

(I've used both options - STI testing through an online service as it was easy; but also at my six week checkup after my son's birth, when my OB was pressuring me to get an IUD and I was married and wasn't even dating anyone at the time, I still made it clear I was not monogamous and had no intention of being so for the 3-5 years the placement would last, and honestly she didn't even blink. Other partners have reported similar experiences, with the one partner who had a different experience also being the one who was most conflicted about BEING non-mono and had probably not presented it in a confident-and-straightforward fashion.)

Edit: references to planned parenthood and insurance are perhaps US centric, substitute appropriate Canadian equivalents as needed. :D
 
I have talked to multiple doctors about being in nonmonogamous relationships. The good ones said okay, reminded me of the increased risk, and then moved on. The bad ones continued to bring it up, told me I would "grow up" one day when I wanted to start a family, etc. I didn't return to the bad ones.

Getting used to awkward conversations is a must in open relationships of any variety, I think. Talking about STIs, talking to healthcare professionals about testing/results/treatment if necessary, talking about emotions and such. It can be awkward but is definitely necessary.
 
Simplest solution is probably to change to a doctor who doesn't know about your vasectomy. Getting a birth control prescription is not rocket science. That person could also handle any STI testing etc with minimal awkwardness.

That said, a doctor's job is not to moralize. It doesn't matter what he thinks or knows as long as he is medically competent and I believe confidentiality should protect you from the doctor sharing the information with others, in case s/he knows the two of you socially.

Edit: "I need a prescription for birth control" should work. Very few doctors would be dumb enough to ask why, but if one does, "My reasons are my own" should work.
 
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HIPPA protects you in this case. I mean, they can think what they want about your situation, but they're not allowed to share that info except for purposes of treating you. If they do, you have the ability to file a really lucrative law suit.
 
When I talked to my doc about STD testing and birth control, I just told them the truth. I said that my husband and I had opened up our marriage and that I was interested in getting tested for all STDs and learning about birth control because I would be having multiple partners. She didn’t even bat an eye. No big deal.
 
icesong said:
If it's overly awkward or you find the doctor judgmental, there are other doctors in the world, and don't forget you/your insurance pay them, not the other way around.

All of that said, it is also an option to go to a local planned parenthood for that type of medical care (birth control and STI testing) and not involve your family doctor at all.
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I agree with both of these points. If you decide to discuss it with your primary care doctor, which is good practice, you may contribute a bit to a more accepting society.

If you are not quite there yet, Planned Parenthood is a great choice.

Thanks for posting.
 
Emm said:
HIPPA is an American thing, so not applicable here.
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Oh! Totally missed that this wasn't in the US. Sorry!
 
Hi GrowingTogether,

It seems to me that the best way to go here is for her to tell her doctor that she is now in an open/nonmonogamous relationship. If her doctor gives her grief about that, she should go to a different doctor.

I don't think anything fancy needs to be said to the doctor; just, "I need to let you know that my husband and I are now in an open/nonmonogamous relationship." If you're willing, let us know how things work out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
When I had this conversation with my doctor, I took my wife with me. Our situation was a bit different, as my wife also works in health care and my doctor knows my wife and holds her in high esteem. With that said, it helped show there was nothing underhanded going in and we presented a united front. He said we were crazy, but I have not had any difficulty with discussing health issues related to non-monogamy since that time.
 
anamikanon said:
Simplest solution is probably to change to a doctor who doesn't know about your vasectomy. Getting a birth control prescription is not rocket science. That person could also handle any STI testing etc with minimal awkwardness.

That said, a doctor's job is not to moralize. It doesn't matter what he thinks or knows as long as he is medically competent and I believe confidentiality should protect you from the doctor sharing the information with others, in case s/he knows the two of you socially.

Edit: "I need a prescription for birth control" should work. Very few doctors would be dumb enough to ask why, but if one does, "My reasons are my own" should work.
Click to expand...

I've been going to my family doctor for twenty years. I trust him, I know him, he knows my rather convulated health history, he is willing to help me with my pain from my fibromyalgia without making me feel like a drug addict. Sometimes changing doctor's isn't as easy as it may seem from the outside. It was much easier to have a slightly ackward conversation with my doctor about the fact that my husband and I aren't monogamous anymore than it would be to try to find a new doctor. I did that once when my doctor was no longer on my insurance plan and the new doctor treated me so much like I was just trying to feed a drug habit that I paid out of pocket to go to my original doctor.
 
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