family member is poly - trying to understand

I ran across this possibly helpful article last year sometime: A Dialog between a Polyamourous and a Monogamous Person.

I don't know how representative of monogamy in general the mono half of the conversation is; I suspect she's much more petty and possessive than would be typical. I found it a fascinating read because it showed such a different mindset. Even though I assumed for many years that I was monogamous and now still don't entirely buy in to the "hardwired for poly" vs. "hardwired for mono" school of thought, I found the thought processes of the mono half of the conversation quite strange. Again though, that could just be because the individual involved is a non-representative example.
 
Emm said:
I ran across this possibly helpful article last year sometime: A Dialog between a Polyamourous and a Monogamous Person.

I don't know how representative of monogamy in general the mono half of the conversation is; I suspect she's much more petty and possessive than would be typical. I found it a fascinating read because it showed such a different mindset. Even though I assumed for many years that I was monogamous and now still don't entirely buy in to the "hardwired for poly" vs. "hardwired for mono" school of thought, I found the thought processes of the mono half of the conversation quite strange. Again though, that could just be because the individual involved is a non-representative example.
Click to expand...
from what I know it is pretty close to bang on what I have heard from the monogamous people in the workshops I have presented on mono-poly relationships. Each to their own I guess.
 
Emm,

Thanks for linking to that article. I found it fascinating. I have no idea how typical the 'mono' representative is but it really emphasizes that scarcity is what makes monogamy special to some.
 
Huh. I found the mono viewpoint as expressed in that article incredibly depressing.

But, well, that's off-topic.
 
Enjoyed the article.
My experience is that the mono part was typical of most (not all) monos I know.
But:
The poly perspective, while in close alignment to my perspective; is a far cry from the perspective of most polys I know.
 
I liked the article too, for exposing a lot of different attitudes. I also like his description of his attitude towards poly; while it doesn't match all that well with how my life runs, that's more due to constraints imposed by my boyfriend than my choices, and I wish it could run more like that.

I was very surprised at the end to read that she'd be fine with close friendships. I suspect that she might actually feel very threatened by that too; most of what she wanted seemed to be emotional intimacy rather than sexual. I had the sense that her bf was really not supposed to be close in any sense to others.
 
Thanks for posting that, Emm. I got more from it than I was expecting.

Since I am not "hard-wired" poly or mono, I can relate to how both sides feel. I understood and could get invested in most of the arguments. Reading it, I felt like a tennis player playing a full court game by herself. It was exhausting. :)

I do wish the mono person had presented more about her ideals and logic. She frequently conceded where I think many of my mono friends would have continued debating. Still, I get that she was trying to understand her boyfriend, not "win" at relationship configurations. That's a good thing.

What I took away most from the article was the poly person's approach to his relationships and what works for him. For a while now, I've been trying to piece out what "my poly" is, and what works best for me - how I'd like it to operate when multiple partners are involved. The author does a good job of explaining his poly, and there are a number of elements that I have and appreciate or would like to explicitly express and incorporate in the development of my relationships. Good lead.
 
The author of the article came out of a long term mono-poly relationship that didn't work out. There may be some slant in terms of what mono people are like and what they think. Not all mono people think the same. They have their own mono, just as poly people have their own poly. I know some poly people that are just fine with poly and simply don't want it for themselves... yet are fine with their partners being poly and understand the concepts just fine. Its important to ask questions and find out what a persons monogamy means to them. It could mean surprising discoveries!
 
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