Fear of being out of place

[JazzyTrazz]

Hi,

I got into a polyamorous relationship a few months ago with a man that already had a partner since 1,5 years back. I am mono myself and I'm doing my best to adapt to the situation, however there is one big issue that I have that is I am afraid of is missing out on special occasions since his parents are extremely against me being in the relationship so I can't meet them and thus am a bit more limited.

His partner and I are good friends, and we have good communication with each other. However I sometimes feel like our boyfriend just added me into the relationship and thought he could just go on as usual, because of that there are times I feel like I am just the second partner and not someone that is a part of a relationship. I should not compare the experiences they've had together since they had been dating more than a year before I came into the picture, but it from time to time gnaws the back of my head that I have to miss out on certain events that I would love to celebrate as a couple at least once but is not possible without the partner having to miss out themselves. I know I am a bit ridiculous for wanting this when I willingly got into a relationship with a poly man, he also called me out on it himself.

There are of course other smaller things that sort of sparks this insecurity in me, but they are more petty and me reading into it too much (such as hearing from the partner how they bought a nice steak during their romantic dinner at home, while he just pulled something out of the freezer during our, among other things). So I would love to hear any advice in dealing with these insecurities in my place in the relationship. I am doing my best, but this is still unknown territory for me and I feel petty for having these feelings about it. I just want all of us to be fine. Do any of you ever feel this way, and how do you handle it?

Before I wrap up my thread, I also want to clarify a couple of points to avoid misunderstandings:
- I am not throwing a tantrum or demanding anything, I am still just trying to figure things out.
- I am, despite the topic, not in any way angry, jealous nor resentful towards any party. I am experiencing absolutely none of those emotions. I have conflicting feelings, yes, but none of them are aggressive in any shape or form.
- I do not mean to compare, I am aware that their relationship is their business but being still new in this I can't really help myself.
- There is no primary partner
- He is not neglecting me in any way, he is extremely supportive in my private matters.
- I am not unsure about the relationship itself, I am unsure about my place in it. If I was unsure about the relationship in general I would have left.

 

[Honorablepirate]

Wanting to experience

I don’t believe there is anything wrong with wanting to experience normal life events but it seems because of his personal world that it is off the table. From my perspective it’s a matter of deciding whether you can put those wants aside to be with him. Is the time with him enough to sustain you?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

Welcome, Jazzy.

I got into a polyamorous relationship a few months ago with a man that has already had another partner for 1.5 years. I am mono myself, and I'm doing my best to adapt to the situation. However, there is one big issue that I have. I am afraid of missing out on special occasions, since his parents are extremely against me being in the relationship. So I can't meet them, and thus am a bit more limited.

You aren't "in THE relationship." You are in A relationship, or perhaps 2 separate relationships. You are friends with a woman who is dating the same guy you are dating. You are a leg of a V.

There are 3 relationships stacked up.

You+guy
You+woman
Guy+woman

Each dyad needs to be healthy. At least, Hinge's two relationships need to be healthy. There is no need for you to be in a relationship with Tiana, unless you do really like each other.

And the 4th relationship occurs when all 3 of you are together.

The guy, let's call him Hinge, has 2 gfs who happen to be friends with each other. The hinge has a responsibility to keep things balanced, whether they are exactly equal or not.

Let's call Hinge's OSO Tiana.

Tiana and I are good friends, and we have good communication with each other. However, I sometimes feel like Hinge just added me into the relationship and thought he could just go on as usual.

Yes, you find that Hinge is being too loosey goosey about a delicate balance. Since you and Tiana are friends, it seems like a situation where a man is letting the women carry all the emotional weight, as is common in our patriarchal culture. This is not ethical. In polyamory, all genders have to carry their own weight, and do the work of keeping any and all relationships healthy.

because of that, there are times I feel like I am just the second partner and not someone that is a part of a relationship.

From reading your post, I see that you have been told Hinge wants to have 2 co-primaries, you and Tiana. But that's just words. His actions don't match up.

I should not compare the experiences they've had together, since they had been dating more than a year before I came into the picture, but from time to time it gnaws in the back of my head that I have to miss out on certain events that I would love to celebrate as a couple, at least once, but is not possible without (Tiana or Hinge?) having to miss out themselves.

It sounds like you're talking about events (maybe birthdays and holidays), with Hinge's family, who do not approve of you. Or they don't approve of Hinge dating you, and prefer to pretend you don't exist.

But surely there are many things you and Hinge can do as a couple? And things he can do with Tiana? And things you and Tiana can do as friends that don't concern Hinge?

I know I am a bit ridiculous for wanting this, when I willingly got into a relationship with a poly man. He also called me out on it himself.

NO, you are not ridiculous for having feelings! And Hinge should not be calling you ridiculous for having feelings. A good communicator lets their friend or family member air their feelings, and reflects back what they heard. They don't just dismiss the feelings, so that you then think you're silly and need to suppress your feelings. This is a recipe for disaster.

Polyamory requires excellent communication and respect. Hinge wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants Tiana, you, and his family. If you are hurt about being rejected by his family he just wants you to suck it up?

There are of course other smaller things that sort of sparks this insecurity in me, but they are more petty, and I am reading into it too much (such as hearing from Tiana how they bought a nice steak during their romantic dinner at home, while Hinge just pulled something out of the freezer during ours, among other things).

Tiana doesn't need to be telling you about how she got a better meal than you. But if you do hear that, and want a steak, you tell Hinge you want steak, please.

Try not to compare, but do ask for what you want and need to feel valued. You are supposed to be a co-primary, and not a secondary. But even secondaries have rights!

I would love to hear any advice in dealing with these insecurities in my place in the relationship. I am doing my best, but this is still unknown territory for me and I feel petty...


- I am not throwing a tantrum or demanding anything, I am still just trying to figure things out.
- I am not in any way angry, jealous nor resentful. I have conflicting feelings, yes, but none of them are aggressive.
- I do not mean to compare, I am aware that their relationship is their business, but being still new in this I can't really help myself.
- There is no primary partner
- He is not neglecting me in any way, he is extremely supportive in my private matters.
- I am not unsure about the relationship itself, I am unsure about my place in it.

No one here is accusing you of being petty, or ridiculous, or throwing a tantrum, or being jealous, angry, or resentful. Is Hinge telling you that you have those qualities?

Again, you are not "added to Hinge and Tiana's relationship." You are in your own relationship with Hinge. He is dating YOU. You ask for what you need and want in this relationship, just as if it were a monogamous one. He considers whether he wants to deliver those things to take care of you.

Just a note, if he's already outed himself and you to his family, and this is the first they learned of him being poly, it's not surprising they are resistant. It can take one's extended family a while to accept this. Hinge could invite them to events (once Covid is over) at his place, and invite both you and Tiana. Then the individual family members can decide whether they want to accept the invitation.

This is like coming out as gay. Some family members might be fine with it, while others might struggle.

Some hinges might choose not to attend family events unless it's OK to bring both partners. That would be Hinge's choice, though.

Maybe (if you keep dating) after a while, at least a few of Hinge's family members may accept him being poly and be OK coming to events where both you and Tiana are in attendance.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello JazzyTrazz,

I think perhaps the first step here is to realize, that it is okay to feel the way that you feel. The man you are with, I'm sure he means well, but he is not treating you as an equal partner as he should. Yes it is a big deal that he pulls something out of the freezer for you, while buying steak for his other partner. And as for his parents, he should be telling them that if he is going to come over, you are going to come with him. It is only fair. But, if he is not willing to do those things, then you'll have to figure out a way to cope with your feelings. I do not think that you want to break up with this man, you just want to know how to feel okay about the way he treats you. I think the thing to keep in mind is that he is treating you the best way he knows how, I'll bet this is his first experience of having a second partner, and he doesn't know how to handle it. You'll have to be patient with him, this is going to take awhile. But do tell him what you need in order to feel accepted.

Those are some of my initial thoughts, anyways.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.