Feeling a little off

[midori]

Neither my husband or I have dated in about two years. Combination of both of us breaking up with our other partners around the same time followed by a major change in our schedules just made it seem kind of a hassle to find anyone new and then I guess we kind of just got used to it being just the two of us and being way more content than we were used to in previous relationships. But we never really stopped being poly despite the long break from being with more than one person, at least it didn't feel like we had. In fact it was really really irritating when we got married a few months back and nearly everyone that we had been out to from when we were dating others kept making comments on how glad they were that we'd finally settled down or that we'd "found our one".

A couple weeks ago my husband got asked out on a date. They haven't actually gone on it yet (her timing was awful lol. We went on a trip the weekend she asked and then she was going out of state for the holiday weekend the next week). Now that his date is only a few days away it really struck me how weird it feels to not be seeing someone when he is. I don't feel jealous, just off. It feels similar to procrastinating something I really should be doing, but without the should be part, does that even make sense? I don't know what it is, but it's got me feeling blah and it's annoying. He's being all giddy and adorable and I love it. I've missed it. But it almost feels like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to jump on OkCupid and find a new sweetie or go bar hopping with my other poly friends. I feel like there's something wrong with me for being content and happy with how things are for me. Anyone else run into this?

 

[FallenAngelina]

But it almost feels like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to jump on OkCupid and find a new sweetie or go bar hopping with my other poly friends. I feel like there's something wrong with me for being content and happy with how things are for me. Anyone else run into this?

Hi midori -

It's tempting to compare ourselves those close to us, but we are at heart individuals, so you and your husband will not always be in synch regarding dating desires.

I suspended my OKC account last week because I just felt I needed the peace and quiet in my mind and heart. Nothing bad happened or was wrong, I just am happy with the people presently in my life and I want the breather. To quiet down like this is natural and to be expected from time to time, even when the "time" spans years, as it does for you. There is some debate whether poly is an inborn proclivity like being gay, but my experience is that it is. I have gone dormant at times in my expressions of poly, but have always embraced the concept of multiple loves. Being poly means that you can embrace more than one ongoing romantic relationship - not that you always do. I'm sure that many people take breaks from active poly, it's just that we don't hear about it so much because there's no external action to report on.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi midori, and welcome!

I find your thread very interesting. I wonder if part of what you are feeling is the fear of being left behind. By this, I do not mean being left behind by your husband - but being left behind in poly no-man's land while your husband ventures into active poly.

It sounds like you both dated pretty much at the same time in the past, which means that this is a new experience for you? You're likely simply battling with some uncertainty. If you don't fear being left behind, perhaps you are battling with the way you have self-identified - you're poly, you don't like to be called monogamous (i.e. by family and friends when you got married), yet you're not interested in actively practising poly right now. There is probably part of you that wonders what that means to your sense of self. I'd guess that this is where the strange discomfort is coming from. When our actions go against our self-construct, we can feel off-kilter.

In terms of you not necessarily wanting to date right now, yes, I absolutely understand this. I started dating someone new 6 months ago. When I met her, it struck me that I hadn't dated anyone in real life for about 2 years! I'd been wrapped up in some online stuff, and had three first dates at one point, but this was the first actual dating relationship situation I'd had in a very long time.

I have also been through periods, like FallenAngel, where I've actually decided NOT to date. Like you, I've also been through periods where I felt content to just be with my long-term girlfriend.

Actually, that point for me came during the first 2 years of being poly. I felt incredibly fulfilled in my relationship with GF - much like you are probably feeling now with your new husband. This made me uneasy at times. I identified as poly, yet wondered if perhaps I was monogamous, since I didn't have the burning need to meet anyone else. However, once I became one of three partners to my girlfriend, I began to lose that feeling of "I only need her right now".

I didn't start dating to retaliate or stage a silent protest Simply, my girlfriend has less time and energy for me now, and my needs aren't met as they once were. Therefore, I feel the urge to have an additional person in my life at this time.

You know, I don't believe one has to practice polyamory to be open to loving more than one, just as I don't believe one has to have had sex with someone of the same gender to know that they are homosexual, or to be dating one person to know that they are monogamous. You can be single and mono, single and poly, single and gay, or whatever else! Hell, you can be coupled and asexual. Self-identity isn't defined by what we do, but when we aren't 'doing it', it can cause our foundation of self-identity to become shaken, I feel.

However, there was a point in time where I realised I was avoiding dating because I was afraid of hurt/intimacy. It wasn't an overt fear, but it was something that I realised upon reflection and after doing a lot of self-work and reading. It sounds like you are simply content with what you have, as I once was, but I mention this in case you feel you are still harbouring hurts from your previous breakup.

Overall, if it ain't broke...! If you're happy as you are right now, and you feel fulfilled, this does not make you any less poly.