Feeling All the Feels

[breathemusic]

The fact that he's sad that he's hurting your feelings and wants to be around you, to me indicates that he IS into you and he DOES care about you. I think fundamentally the difference is, do you need to have relationships with people who express their emotions the same way that you do. If he's sad that you're sad, then that would indicate to me that he'd be sad if he lost the relationship with you. Now, would he express that the same way and be a sobbing mess? Maybe not, but that might just be a matter of how he feels his own feelings and expresses them.

He may even love you, or get to a point in the future where he loves you... but that doesn't mean that he feels or expresses his love the same way you do. He is clearly just not as emotionally expressive... but I think it's important to note that it doesn't mean that he doesn't actually feel those things or have those emotions. They're just not as intense for him and not expressed to as high of a degree.

Of course, that doesn't change the fact that if someone not being expressive as you is painful for you, then that may just be a fundamental incompatibility. This is something that you might need to think on.

I think SeasonedPoly makes a good point though in that all of your experience to-date with poly and relationships is that they have to escalate. Even if they don't result in marriage or kids, they still escalate with more time, more texting, more gushing, more SOMETHING other than just internal feelings. And it doesn't seem like you have the bandwidth for that growth here, so that is 1 roadblock that you're always going to experience. But on the emotional depth type of escalation... what should that actually look like for 2 people who only see each other once every other week and text in between? Yes, I hear you saying that having the emotions grow is important to you in that you're falling in love and you want to know that he's capable of falling in love with you. But it sounds like you have an expectation for what someone's behavior looks like when they're in love. I'm trying to understand how that behavior would *actually* look different when you still don't see each other as often. Other than eventually saying "I love you" it would seem to me like you'd still be doing most of the same things that you're doing now. Still just getting together for an enjoyable date every 2 weeks, having sex, making each other laugh, having good conversation, etc. That is what people do when they like each other, but ALSO what people do when they love each other. A deeper emotional connection may mean some deeper emotional conversations sometimes? But if things are going good, does it necessarily mean that's happening all the time? Maybe it does for you! Just throwing some random thoughts out there to chew on since from the comments that you've made, it sounds to me like you're more concerned with what behaviors you want him to show you because you have an expectation that feeling a certain way = behaving a certain way. So is this totally a feelings issue, or an actions/behaviors issue?

 

[MsEmotional]

The fact that he's sad that he's hurting your feelings and wants to be around you, to me indicates that he IS into you and he DOES care about you. I think fundamentally the difference is, do you need to have relationships with people who express their emotions the same way that you do. If he's sad that you're sad, then that would indicate to me that he'd be sad if he lost the relationship with you. Now, would he express that the same way and be a sobbing mess? Maybe not, but that might just be a matter of how he feels his own feelings and expresses them.

He may even love you, or get to a point in the future where he loves you... but that doesn't mean that he feels or expresses his love the same way you do. He is clearly just not as emotionally expressive... but I think it's important to note that it doesn't mean that he doesn't actually feel those things or have those emotions. They're just not as intense for him and not expressed to as high of a degree.

Of course, that doesn't change the fact that if someone not being expressive as you is painful for you, then that may just be a fundamental incompatibility. This is something that you might need to think on.

I think SeasonedPoly makes a good point though in that all of your experience to-date with poly and relationships is that they have to escalate. Even if they don't result in marriage or kids, they still escalate with more time, more texting, more gushing, more SOMETHING other than just internal feelings. And it doesn't seem like you have the bandwidth for that growth here, so that is 1 roadblock that you're always going to experience. But on the emotional depth type of escalation... what should that actually look like for 2 people who only see each other once every other week and text in between? Yes, I hear you saying that having the emotions grow is important to you in that you're falling in love and you want to know that he's capable of falling in love with you. But it sounds like you have an expectation for what someone's behavior looks like when they're in love. I'm trying to understand how that behavior would *actually* look different when you still don't see each other as often. Other than eventually saying "I love you" it would seem to me like you'd still be doing most of the same things that you're doing now. Still just getting together for an enjoyable date every 2 weeks, having sex, making each other laugh, having good conversation, etc. That is what people do when they like each other, but ALSO what people do when they love each other. A deeper emotional connection may mean some deeper emotional conversations sometimes? But if things are going good, does it necessarily mean that's happening all the time? Maybe it does for you! Just throwing some random thoughts out there to chew on since from the comments that you've made, it sounds to me like you're more concerned with what behaviors you want him to show you because you have an expectation that feeling a certain way = behaving a certain way. So is this totally a feelings issue, or an actions/behaviors issue?

I honestly think it is a feelings issue rather than a behaviors issue. You are right that I would expect him to act in a certain way if he loved me. But that isn’t all roses and statements of affection....it’s body language and the way someone smiles. There really isn’t anything I want him to *do* differently....I just view his behaviors as indicative of his feelings and, well, his words to describe those feelings seem to match that. So what makes me sad is that I have confirmation that his feelings for me just aren’t all that strong.

But I don’t know....maybe you are right. This evening he texted me and told me what his wife thinks is the root of his lack of emotional expression....so that means he is still thinking about our conversation and discussing it with the only person he goes to with problems. And that would indicate that he cares. But I also know that I have a tendency to read between the lines in order to keep hope alive. I don’t want to just grasp at straws that maybe he has deeper feelings for me than he is letting on.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think it really problematic if you actively need someone to act how you'd act before you feel they're being genuine about their feelings. I've known of partners who were incredibly affectionate and told their partners several times a day that they love them. They also abused them though.

Right now you have also guy who likes you, wants to spend time with you and you feel the same. You're willing to risk that because he doesn't smile at you enough and he doesn't use the right words to describe his feelings.

I'd be really careful about making him feel like shit for being who he is when actually, this might be far more about your own limitations and unrealistic expectations.

 

[MsEmotional]

I think it really problematic if you actively need someone to act how you'd act before you feel they're being genuine about their feelings. I've known of partners who were incredibly affectionate and told their partners several times a day that they love them. They also abused them though.

Right now you have also guy who likes you, wants to spend time with you and you feel the same. You're willing to risk that because he doesn't smile at you enough and he doesn't use the right words to describe his feelings.

I think that the part of this that I haven’t talked about as much here is how anxious I have been in this relationship and the degree to which not being able to read his facial expressions or hear him express any affection has affected me. I described it to him as having “first date jitters” for 7 months straight. I spend a lot of time perseverating and replaying every conversation in my head and looking for some sign that he cares for me. I am constantly thinking about the next time I will see him and what I will say and do and being angry at myself for caring so much when he doesn’t ever seem excited for our next date. When I told my therapist something similar to what you are saying here — basically “am i being ridiculous for considering ending a relationship that makes me happy?” She said “you have been happy when you are WITH him, but in-between those visits when you aren’t with him you are very unhappy and confused.”

I'd be really careful about making him feel like shit for being who he is when actually, this might be far more about your own limitations and unrealistic expectations.

I recognize that this is as much about my limitations as it is about his. In therapy, for the first 6 months we had been operating under the assumption that my anxiety with him was something solely internal to me. I needed to be better at communicating my needs, I needed to give the relationship space to grow and temper my expectations. It was only in the last month that I started to consider that maybe we just aren’t compatible in the way that we feel or express feelings.

And that’s where I am now. I have never told him that I think he is broken or inadequate — I have always used “i statements” to express my own vulnerabilities and why I think that maybe we just aren’t on the same page. And he has been really clear with me about what level of affection he can offer and said the same thing — that our relationship meets his needs as it is, but he can see how it would not meet my needs. And at the core, it makes me love him even more that he has been so honest with me and that we can communicate like this.

 

[breathemusic]

Yeah, I don't necessarily think that you feeling anxiety over him not feeling as strongly for you as you feel for him is *wrong*. I just think it's worth asking the question.... is that anxiety something that you actually WANT to work on and try to overcome, or do you ultimately think that it's an incompatibility and you need to move on. I don't think either of those answers is right or wrong.

There's no requirement that you HAVE to be ok with an inequality of feelings between you and your partner. If it bothers you that much, you're allowed to be bothered by that.

I do think it's worth examining whether your concern is just about him NEVER having feelings for you, or if your concern is him not developing feelings at the same pace. Because it's actually pretty common for people to have their feelings develop at different paces, so understanding the pace that someone moves at and whether or not that pace is something that works for you is important.

It's also important to understand if he things he'll NEVER get there. Because that should inform your decisions too.

I definitely am not trying to imply from my previous responses that the issue is all you. Just that it might be worth talking things out more with him if there's a lack of clarity about whether his issue is what he actually feels vs HOW he shows his feelings. But also, even if the issue was just about how he shows his feelings, you're still allowed to have boundaries around that and incompatibilities if you just don't mesh well with someone who isn't expressive.

Ultimately, I think you need to at least know what you need from another partner and if you're willing to compromise on any of those things if there IS an incompatibility.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I have a friend who met this guy. A great guy. A Buddhist. He believes in all this zen type stuff where he really just takes things in his stride. His philosophy on relationships ending is that he hope they find greater happiness. He's happy they've made a decision which they believe is their right path. Something like that.

My friend had to learn to feel loved despite this. Now she sees how we are taught really quite unhealthy displays of devotion and obsession and oppression are labelled "love". In extreme cases, you have the woman who thinks her man loves her because he'll punch her in the mouth for looking at another guy. At least extreme ends, we expect crying and ice cream eating when we have a break up.

I couldn't deal with him as a partner. Not because of how he views breakups so much as how this zen thing influences other areas of his life. Actually I might be able to have a casual relationship with someone like that. Not live in though. But honestly, she's a better person overall for their relationship. I see it in other ways.

 

[MsEmotional]

What do you think of this?

Ok, I think this is what I want to tell him:

I am a sensitive and deep-feeling person. And you are awesome. [Insert things I admire about him]. And so I love you. It is not a surprise to me that I love you — being a deep-feeling person and in a relationship with someone who is awesome, falling for you and feeling the way that I do was an inevitability to me.

I also recognize from our recent conversations that me loving you is not something that you wanted, nor something that you feel you can reciprocate. And that’s okay. I don’t think it makes you inadequate or deficient as a human, its just part of who you are. I really appreciate you being honest with me about the limits of your feelings for me because it has helped me to understand more about who I am as a person and who I am in relationships.

So there is nothing wrong with you wanting a more casual relationship. But I think that, for me, being a deep feeling person, it is not a good idea for me to continue in a relationship in which I feel I need to hold back.

Anyone have any thoughts?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Ok, I think this is what I want to tell him:

I am a sensitive and deep-feeling person. And you are awesome. [Insert things I admire about him]. And so I love you. It is not a surprise to me that I love you — being a deep-feeling person and in a relationship with someone who is awesome, falling for you and feeling the way that I do was an inevitability to me.

I also recognize from our recent conversations that me loving you is not something that you wanted, nor something that you feel you can reciprocate. And that’s okay. I don’t think it makes you inadequate or deficient as a human, its just part of who you are. I really appreciate you being honest with me about the limits of your feelings for me because it has helped me to understand more about who I am as a person and who I am in relationships.

So there is nothing wrong with you wanting a more casual relationship. But I think that, for me, being a deep feeling person, it is not a good idea for me to continue in a relationship in which I feel I need to hold back.

Anyone have any thoughts?

I'd be really annoyed that you are interpreting my words in that way because I don't think he means "I never wanted you to love me and that's a terrible thing because I'll never love you". I just think he expresses things differently to you and you're way too caught up in some Hollywood version of relationships to your own detriment.

It's hard to find compatible people to have a good time with. Are you sure you want to give that up because he doesn't say the right words at the right time?

 

[breathemusic]

So in a previous post you said the following:

"Whiskers and I talked again. Here are some bullets of what was said:

1. He doesn’t have any problems with our relationship and so he hasn’t brought anything to me to be concerned about, but he knows that he could if he needed to.

2. His lack of emotional intelligence/expression is something that he is aware of and has impacted other relationships, but he doesn’t know how to fix it.

3. He rarely ever expresses an emotional need, but when he does, he goes to his wife because he is closest to her.

4. He never wanted or expected our relationship to become deeper than it is — he wasn’t looking for emotional depth in his other relationships since becoming poly."


Ok, so he wasn't expecting or originally wanting your relationship to become any deeper than it currently is.... was that his initial feeling, or is it still his current feeling? Now that he's been in the relationships for a while, is he open to that changing in the future, or is that still a pretty firm stance for him that he doesn't want the emotional depth?

If he doesn't want it, does that mean that he has a problem with YOU feeling emotional depth? Or just that even if you have deep feelings, that he doesn't feel like he can or will ever reciprocate them? I do think saying "me loving you isn't something that you ever wanted" might be putting words in his mouth. It's hard to tell since your previous posts paraphrased. Unless he really did say just that. Maybe you could say it isn't something he expected, vs something he wanted? And say that based on the convo, what you're hearing is XYZ, and then ask "Am I interpreting this correctly?"

The other question I have is.... why do you think you have to hold back? Is that just because you don't want to express deep feelings if the other person isn't going to do the same? Or has he specifically indicated that he doesn't want you to express those things even if you feel them? If he hasn't said he wants you to hold back, then I think it's important to not imply that it's his requirement and more that it's how YOU would feel like you had to behave, which isn't comfortable for you and is a fundamental incompatibility.

 

[MsEmotional]

I'd be really annoyed that you are interpreting my words in that way because I don't think he means "I never wanted you to love me and that's a terrible thing because I'll never love you". I just think he expresses things differently to you and you're way too caught up in some Hollywood version of relationships to your own detriment.

It's hard to find compatible people to have a good time with. Are you sure you want to give that up because he doesn't say the right words at the right time?

He told me in our conversation that he had never wanted or expected our relationship to be deeper than it is. He said he wanted to have fun and have sex and spend time together and that’s all he was looking for.

You are right that he never told me that he thought it was terrible for me to care more about him than he does about me. But he has made it very clear that we want different things out of this relationship. I don’t think it is a function of Hollywood that I want to feel affection.

 

[MsEmotional]

So in a previous post you said the following:

"Whiskers and I talked again. Here are some bullets of what was said:

1. He doesn’t have any problems with our relationship and so he hasn’t brought anything to me to be concerned about, but he knows that he could if he needed to.

2. His lack of emotional intelligence/expression is something that he is aware of and has impacted other relationships, but he doesn’t know how to fix it.

3. He rarely ever expresses an emotional need, but when he does, he goes to his wife because he is closest to her.

4. He never wanted or expected our relationship to become deeper than it is — he wasn’t looking for emotional depth in his other relationships since becoming poly."


Ok, so he wasn't expecting or originally wanting your relationship to become any deeper than it currently is.... was that his initial feeling, or is it still his current feeling? Now that he's been in the relationships for a while, is he open to that changing in the future, or is that still a pretty firm stance for him that he doesn't want the emotional depth?

If he doesn't want it, does that mean that he has a problem with YOU feeling emotional depth? Or just that even if you have deep feelings, that he doesn't feel like he can or will ever reciprocate them? I do think saying "me loving you isn't something that you ever wanted" might be putting words in his mouth. It's hard to tell since your previous posts paraphrased. Unless he really did say just that. Maybe you could say it isn't something he expected, vs something he wanted? And say that based on the convo, what you're hearing is XYZ, and then ask "Am I interpreting this correctly?"

The other question I have is.... why do you think you have to hold back? Is that just because you don't want to express deep feelings if the other person isn't going to do the same? Or has he specifically indicated that he doesn't want you to express those things even if you feel them? If he hasn't said he wants you to hold back, then I think it's important to not imply that it's his requirement and more that it's how YOU would feel like you had to behave, which isn't comfortable for you and is a fundamental incompatibility.

Really good points. Thank you.

I feel fairly confident that he still doesn’t want this relationship to be more than “fun.” He used the present and past tense to describe what he was looking for with regard to his relationships (outside of his marriage).

I don’t think he has a “problem” with me feeling more strongly for him than he does for me, but I do get the distinct impression that it isn’t something he wants either. I might change that wording to “isn’t something that you ever expected or sought from me” to more precisely reflect back to him what he has told me.

You are correct that he’s not the one asking me to hold back — it’s about me and my feelings. I will adjust the language to more clearly reflect that.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Really good points. Thank you.

I feel fairly confident that he still doesn’t want this relationship to be more than “fun.” He used the present and past tense to describe what he was looking for with regard to his relationships (outside of his marriage).

I don’t think he has a “problem” with me feeling more strongly for him than he does for me, but I do get the distinct impression that it isn’t something he wants either. I might change that wording to “isn’t something that you ever expected or sought from me” to more precisely reflect back to him what he has told me.

You are correct that he’s not the one asking me to hold back — it’s about me and my feelings. I will adjust the language to more clearly reflect that.

Don't you want your relationships to be fun too? I think if you end this relationship, you have to be forthcoming about wanting another deeply emotionally entangled relationship because it seems like a less entangled long-term arrangement isn't fulfilling for you.

But how much time have you got to have one of these types of relationships? What can you offer aside from deep emotion? Or would it be a once-a-week relationship with deep emotional entanglement and all the processing that comes with that? That doesn't sound very fun to me. It sort of sounds like an attachment with all the exhausting parts of being in a relationship and little of the lighthearted and freeing aspects of casual relationships. As much as I enjoy the shared commitment side of entangled relationships, I equally cherish the fact that casual relationships aren't hampered by them.

 

[MsEmotional]

Don't you want your relationships to be fun too? I think if you end this relationship, you have to be forthcoming about wanting another deeply emotionally entangled relationship because it seems like a less entangled long-term arrangement isn't fulfilling for you.

But how much time have you got to have one of these types of relationships? What can you offer aside from deep emotion? Or would it be a once-a-week relationship with deep emotional entanglement and all the processing that comes with that? That doesn't sound very fun to me. It sort of sounds like an attachment with all the exhausting parts of being in a relationship and little of the lighthearted and freeing aspects of casual relationships. As much as I enjoy the shared commitment side of entangled relationships, I equally cherish the fact that casual relationships aren't hampered by them.

What do you mean by entanglements? Yes, I want relationships that are fun, but I also want relationships that involve affection and emotions. That doesn’t seem like a lot to ask and it certainly doesn’t strike me as being necessarily time-intensive or exhausting.

To me, I am already doing far more processing about how I am not feeling fulfilled by this relationship than I ever do in my relationships where there are genuine, reciprocated feelings.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What do you mean by entanglements? Yes, I want relationships that are fun, but I also want relationships that involve affection and emotions. That doesn’t seem like a lot to ask and it certainly doesn’t strike me as being necessarily time-intensive or exhausting.

To me, I am already doing far more processing about how I am not feeling fulfilled by this relationship than I ever do in my relationships where there are genuine, reciprocated feelings.

I think the question is what you mean by deeper?

To me, he says he want to see you and have fun but has no expectations for how he will feel in the future. To me, humans are social creatures and intimacy increases with time and contact but the speed of that growth differs depending on the person. So things like coming to you with emotional needs will likely happen with greater frequency over time. But he cannot predict when that will be. Maybe he just doesn't have all these feelings that you do. He's just a chilled guy who enjoys the present.

Does he not kiss or cuddle you?

 

[MsEmotional]

I think the question is what you mean by deeper?

Hmmm....good question. I think that to me, deeper relationships are ones where you care about the person beyond the general polite surface level. You ask them how things are going in their life, not just what they did that day. You smile when they walk in the room because you are excited to see them, not just because they cracked a joke. You are sad when you won’t be able to find a time to see them for awhile and if you need to cancel you are disappointed because you will miss the opportunity to connect with them in person. You think of them when something funny happens and you share it with them. You go out of your way to do something thoughtful. When you imagine your future, you assume that they will be in it in some capacity.

To me, he says he want to see you and have fun but has no expectations for how he will feel in the future.

Exactly. It feels very “this is all I can offer right now and it might be gone at any moment.”

To me, humans are social creatures and intimacy increases with time and contact but the speed of that growth differs depending on the person. So things like coming to you with emotional needs will likely happen with greater frequency over time. But he cannot predict when that will be.

I can see what you mean, but I don’t think that is what he is telling me. It really sounds more like he has been saying, “I don’t have a lot of emotions and this is really all that I can offer.”

Maybe he just doesn't have all these feelings that you do. He's just a chilled guy who enjoys the present.

Yes. Now I am confused because I thought before you were arguing that he had the similar feelings and just expressed them differently from me. But this is exactly what I have been trying to say — he just doesn’t have the feelings that I do.

Does he not kiss or cuddle you?

Kissing sure — unless it’s as a hello/goodbye/prelude to sex, though, it is usually because he likes to distract me from whatever game we are playing. �� He cuddles me for a little bit after sex, but if I just want to hang out and be in each other’s arms he usually gets uncomfortable.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

"Exactly. It feels very “this is all I can offer right now and it might be gone at any moment.”"

To me, this is the reality of relationships. All relationships. Nobody can tell heir wife that they'll definitely feel the same about them in a week or a year and that they'll never break up.

"You ask them how things are going in their life, not just what they did that day. You smile when they walk in the room because you are excited to see them, not just because they cracked a joke. You are sad when you won’t be able to find a time to see them for awhile and if you need to cancel you are disappointed because you will miss the opportunity to connect with them in person."


I think these are very specific actions. That Buddhist guy would disagree strongly with some of these and say what you're looking for is someone who wants you for selfish reasons. Eg. He'd say that if you cannot see him for a while, it's likely because you're doing other things to make your life as happy and fulfilled as it can be (work, family etc). He'd feel totally different about someone expressing much disappointment or sadness as he'd see them as selfish. He wouldn't agree it is a sign of love.

 

[MsEmotional]

"Exactly. It feels very “this is all I can offer right now and it might be gone at any moment.”"

To me, this is the reality of relationships. All relationships. Nobody can tell heir wife that they'll definitely feel the same about them in a week or a year and that they'll never break up.

"You ask them how things are going in their life, not just what they did that day. You smile when they walk in the room because you are excited to see them, not just because they cracked a joke. You are sad when you won’t be able to find a time to see them for awhile and if you need to cancel you are disappointed because you will miss the opportunity to connect with them in person."


I think these are very specific actions. That Buddhist guy would disagree strongly with some of these and say what you're looking for is someone who wants you for selfish reasons. Eg. He'd say that if you cannot see him for a while, it's likely because you're doing other things to make your life as happy and fulfilled as it can be (work, family etc). He'd feel totally different about someone expressing much disappointment or sadness as he'd see them as selfish. He wouldn't agree it is a sign of love.

Oy. Sounds like that guy and I would be a terrible match. ;-)

I really do appreciate you and breathemusic challenging me on some of my assumptions and expectations. The process of trying to define what a “deeper” relationship alone looks like really made me reflect on what I have with Whiskers and recognize all the ways in which it already meets those criteria — or meets those criteria now that we have started this conversation. I am re-thinking not only what I want to say but also what I want the effect of my words to be.

But I think I also need to listen to myself that there is something about this relationship that feels not-quite-right to me. There is something that makes me feel like I have to hold back, that I can’t fully relax and be myself, and that makes me feel anxious and jittery every time I see him. And at the end of the day, if there is something in this relationship that just makes me feel kinda “yucky” — it doesn’t matter how ill-defined that is, it just isn’t going to be a good relationship for me.

I’m not sure what to do. I am caught between realizing how much I love and admire him and how much his emotional distance is not a good match for me.

 

[Tinwen]

But I think I also need to listen to myself that there is something about this relationship that feels not-quite-right to me. There is something that makes me feel like I have to hold back, that I can’t fully relax and be myself, and that makes me feel anxious and jittery every time I see him. And at the end of the day, if there is something in this relationship that just makes me feel kinda “yucky” — it doesn’t matter how ill-defined that is, it just isn’t going to be a good relationship for me.

I’m not sure what to do. I am caught between realizing how much I love and admire him and how much his emotional distance is not a good match for me.

You do seem to have decided. There is something that will always feel wrong in this kind of close-up relationship. So find a relationship form (whether it's broken up and never seeing him again, or just relabeling this as fwb, to write out two extremes), that will allow you to maintain your own necessary distance.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I'm glad it helped you rethink and reassess.

That's what I was hoping for. That guy would be a bad match for me, too. I think his general philosophy is to love without attachment. He honestly just sounded like an irresponsible, unfeeling asshole to me, initially. But actually he is a fantastically supportive and loving partner. All the things I assumed would be absent because of his philosophy are actually there tenfold. In ways you'd never even thought of. He likes to sleep alone though. They have separate rooms.

The funny thing is, I often disagree with what he says about relationships. It's just, reading this, a lot of what he says suddenly made sense. Just enjoying the moment - taking things for what they are, it what you expected them to be. You should see how slowly the guy eats! So annoying!!!

 

[breathemusic]

I 100% agree that ultimately, if you can't find a way to feel good about the relationship as it is, then that means you need to make a hard decision about what feels right to you.

My comments are definitely not intended to tell you that YOU are definitely the one that needs to do all the work and that you have to find a way to be happy with Whiskers. Mainly just trying to give some alternative viewpoints, questions, etc to provide other perspectives. I always think that it's worth doing some self evaluation to decide "do I WANT to continue to feel how I feel because I'm happy with that, or do I not like that XYZ thing makes me feel yucky and I want to work to overcome those feelings?" Either answer can be the right answer for you. But that is just something that you have to decide for yourself and then make a decision on how to proceed knowing that answer.

I'm glad that discussing the issue in more detail has given you the opportunity to think things out though and better figure out what you want!!