Feeling ditched again

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newpoli

New member
I'm not entirely sure how to start this. I am just so upset right now. My boy friend and I were supposed to go out tonight and since we seem to spend the nights in a lot I made plans for us to go out to dinner and then over to a friends (who he doesn't really know, but I want him to) for games. I just got a text from him saying that he has to cancel. This is due to the fact that his wife and her other husband got turned down for financing on their new furnace (since their old one up and died) so he needed to stay home to calm her down and figure out how they were going to pay for the new furnace. His co-husband also has another wife and they all live together. I am the only person outside of their family.

Right now it's just making me feel ditched. I understand that he needs to take care of his family, but I feel like I am never going to be anywhere close to as important as his wife is. My question is how do I either learn to be okay with that? Or how do I let go this man who I love very much?
 
Sorry a dead furnace is more important than going out to dinner and a game night.

When Murf's furnace took a crap Butch gave up a day off and going out with his friends to fix it for free for Murf. Heat is kind of a need. Murf and Butch are nothing to each other other than sort of friends through me.
 
I know the furnace is more important. We live in Minnesota, heat is very important. I guess I'm just struggling tonight.
 
Well, my first reaction to what you wrote is wondering why his wife needs "calming down" by only your bf when she has another husband and a metamour living with her. Is she prone to freaking out? If the furnace is shot today, it will still be shot tomorrow no matter what the loan verdict was, so I don't see why he couldn't have gone out with you.

Can't you voice your concerns to your bf? Like saying, "I just want you to know how much I was looking forward to a night out doing something different, and introducing you to my friend. I understand your wife was upset about the furnace and I know it's an important issue, but she has another husband and a metamour to comfort her, so I felt swept aside and unimportant when it was my time to be with you. I don't know how else you could have handled it, but I thought it important to let you know how it affected me."
 
Yeah, either you are a priority and a part of the family or you aren't. Sounds like you aren't. I'd suggest finding someone who treats you better (and has a less needy wife; seriously, another husband and a live-in met amour?)
 
Well and I'm sure he won't reschedule his time with her tomorrow to maybe spend some time with me. I plan on telling him how I feel. I am getting a little frustrated and am running out of understanding.

I know that they will be figuring out the finances together and I'm sure as the top earner in the household he'll be doing most of the contributing.

And it has been made very clear to me that I am not part of the family. And due to the fact that I would never ever want to live in that craziness I never will.

Like I said. Trying to figure out how to either be okay with this or let him go.
 
Well, maybe instead of letting him go, you let go of your expectations.

Try to simply enjoy him for who he is and what he can give you, instead of focusing on what he can't give you and any unrealistic hopes you have for this relationship. It doesn't have to be either/or. It can be fun and lighthearted if you accept what is.

I forget - are you in any other relationships or are you mono?
 
figure out how they were going to pay for the new furnace
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Sorry this is an important issue for a family.

I am sorry OP it does sound like you are getting the short end of the stick. Why can't you be included in the tribe/family thing they have going on?

While Butch and Murf are not close they do put each other first in an emergency.
 
nycindie said:
Well, maybe instead of letting him go, you let go of your expectations.

Try to simply enjoy him for who he is and what he can give you, instead of focusing on what he can't give you and any unrealistic hopes you have for this relationship. It doesn't have to be either/or. It can be fun and lighthearted if you accept what is.

I forget - are you in any other relationships or are you mono?
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I have tried very hard not to have expectations. He has told me that I can count on him, but I really haven't felt like I could lately.

I am not currently in any other relationships. I would be open to them, just haven't found one. I am new to poly and have been wanting to make sure that I was feeling secure in this one before actively seeking another partner. I was almost there and in the last few weeks I feel like things have fallen apart a bit.
 
Dagferi said:
Sorry this is an important issue for a family.

I am sorry OP it does sound like you are getting the short end of the stick. Why can't you be included in the tribe/family thing they have going on?

While Butch and Murf are not close they do put each other first in an emergency.
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It is an important issue for the family. I understand that. It is just that there have been many such issues lately and no attempt to try to give me a little more time to make up for the time that I'm not getting. They are all understandable situations that are important (a cancelled lunch because stuff went wrong at work, a short date because of issues with his son and his wife feeling insecure) and I understand those things and don't expect to come before them, but this is the 4th thing in a week and a half.

I don't think that his wife would allow me to be involved in what they have going on. She is already afraid that I will somehow get myself legally married to him (they are not legally married since she already is legally married to someone else) before she can have a more permanent tie with him. Plus I could never live with his wife. She is my best friend, but living with her would drive me crazy.

I don't feel like I ever get put first.
 
newpoli said:
I have tried very hard not to have expectations. He has told me that I can count on him, but I really haven't felt like I could lately
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All guys, well, most, will at least TELL you what you want to hear. It's one thing to say you can count on him, and another to actually show it. Yes, she was having a bad day. She could have respected your time with him and let you have it. And gone to someone else for emotional support. Or, if they had to work on the issue, then made sure your time was accommodated later. That's how relationships work, with two people. Same with three or more, everyone kind of adjusts to the moment, making sure everyone's needs are fulfilled.

It's difficult to find people who can do that well, without jealousies interfering. You've learned a lot from this. Take it for what it was, keep him as a friend, and move on? Whatever you feel is right for you.
 
When it rains it pours unfortunately. Sometimes there is no spare time to make up missed time to someone. Unfortunately we have to work... Kid needs come first. The "wife" sounds like a gem. :rolleyes: Why is it her way all the time?

You don't have to live together to be included. There is no way in HELL Butch and Murf could live together. I divide my time between the two houses I share with each one. Why can't he come stay with you a few days a week?

Murf isn't a man of many words, and doesn't know what to say or how to handle a crisis. BUT when the chips are down he is there and his actions speak louder than words.
 
There is 2 other adults in the the house, why is this an emergency situation that requires your bf to be with his other gf? And why can't he makes this time up to you?
 
No one seems to be thinking about the fact that their furnace loan was denied; they need to come up for an alternate way to pay for it, which probably means cutting down on dates anyways due to tighter finances. Going out period may be put on hold due to trying to save on gas, etc.

I totally understand the when it rains it pours. Over the course of a year, my boyfriend's chimney collapsed, their well ran dry, their house became infested with field rats when a barn on their property collapsed, they ended up buying a camper to live in temporarily. It's roof leaked, and then his in-laws who he shared the property with found out that the escrow had been miscalculated and the mortgage was jumping by $300 a month. They ended up having his mother-in-law move out and his sister-in-law and her 2 kids move in to spread out the pain of the increase. That meant when the camper became unlivable, there were 4 adults, 3 teenaged boys, and 2 school aged children living in a 3 bedroom modular home. This was just November through July of that year. Things got worse before they got better. During this time, my husband and I moved, had 2 deaths in the family in a 10 month period, bought a car, which promptly became a financial sink, I lost hours at work, got a second job that was full time with insurance and lost said job 10 months later. Mind you, that was all in 1 year of our 5 year relationship. There were many cancelled dates that were never rescheduled. Infact, my boyfriend quit the LARP we were involved with that summer due to finances and quit almost every activity we did together socially. What was I going to say? Sorry that the scrap metal guy stole your bed, couch, fridge, metal mini figures, and the rats ate all your garb, but I'm feeling neglected. Can you spend money you don't have to drive out to see me?

Not saying you shouldn't tell your boyfriend that you're upset he cancelled, but you could try letting go of your expectations and be realistic about the amount and quality of time you can have with him right now, so you aren't disappointed when plans change suddenly. Also, don't make plans, even in your head, without checking with him. I found that it hurt more when he agreed that he could come over and then, a blizzard hit and their car couldn't handle the roads, because I'd been looking forward to it and fantasizing how it would all play out in my head for days ahead of time.
 
Inyourendo said:
If you have a crisis and need him, will the table turn? Can he be there for you?
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I don't feel like he is. I texted him last night asking if I could see/talk to him today. I told him I was not feeling secure in our relationship. He said he wasn't sure what time they were getting back from a day trip they're taking today but we could talk and he would try to come by. He said he was sorry that I was not feeling secure in our relationship. Last week when we were on a date at this house, his wife came downstairs, he pulled away from me and talked and hugged and kissed her because she was feeling insecure. I don't feel like he's here for me.

PolyinPractice said:
All guys, well, most, will at least TELL you what you want to hear. It's one thing to say you can count on him, and another to actually show it. Yes, she was having a bad day. She could have respected your time with him and let you have it. And gone to someone else for emotional support. Or, if they had to work on the issue, then made sure your time was accommodated later. That's how relationships work, with two people. Same with three or more, everyone kind of adjusts to the moment, making sure everyone's needs are fulfilled.

It's difficult to find people who can do that well, without jealousies interfering. You've learned a lot from this. Take it for what it was, keep him as a friend, and move on? Whatever you feel is right for you.
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I feel like it is getting to that point. I think I have to let him go.

Dagferi said:
When it rains it pours unfortunately. Sometimes there is no spare time to make up missed time to someone. Unfortunately we have to work... Kid needs come first. The "wife" sounds like a gem. :rolleyes: Why is it her way all the time?

You don't have to live together to be included. There is no way in HELL Butch and Murf could live together. I divide my time between the two houses I share with each one. Why can't he come stay with you a few days a week?

Murf isn't a man of many words, and doesn't know what to say or how to handle a crisis. BUT when the chips are down he is there and his actions speak louder than words.
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I don't know why it's her way all the time except that I have discovered that she is an extremely controlling, selfish, self centered person. This came as a surprise to me since I have known her for 10 years. She practically pushed us together and then said that she was not comfortable with us dating. It's been a long road.

Inyourendo said:
There is 2 other adults in the the house, why is this an emergency situation that requires your bf to be with his other gf? And why can't he makes this time up to you?
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He says that he will make it up to me. I am begining to have doubts of things that he says though.

BrigidsDaughter said:
No one seems to be thinking about the fact that their furnace loan was denied; they need to come up for an alternate way to pay for it, which probably means cutting down on dates anyways due to tighter finances. Going out period may be put on hold due to trying to save on gas, etc.

I totally understand the when it rains it pours. Over the course of a year, my boyfriend's chimney collapsed, their well ran dry, their house became infested with field rats when a barn on their property collapsed, they ended up buying a camper to live in temporarily. It's roof leaked, and then his in-laws who he shared the property with found out that the escrow had been miscalculated and the mortgage was jumping by $300 a month. They ended up having his mother-in-law move out and his sister-in-law and her 2 kids move in to spread out the pain of the increase. That meant when the camper became unlivable, there were 4 adults, 3 teenaged boys, and 2 school aged children living in a 3 bedroom modular home. This was just November through July of that year. Things got worse before they got better. During this time, my husband and I moved, had 2 deaths in the family in a 10 month period, bought a car, which promptly became a financial sink, I lost hours at work, got a second job that was full time with insurance and lost said job 10 months later. Mind you, that was all in 1 year of our 5 year relationship. There were many cancelled dates that were never rescheduled. Infact, my boyfriend quit the LARP we were involved with that summer due to finances and quit almost every activity we did together socially. What was I going to say? Sorry that the scrap metal guy stole your bed, couch, fridge, metal mini figures, and the rats ate all your garb, but I'm feeling neglected. Can you spend money you don't have to drive out to see me?

Not saying you shouldn't tell your boyfriend that you're upset he cancelled, but you could try letting go of your expectations and be realistic about the amount and quality of time you can have with him right now, so you aren't disappointed when plans change suddenly. Also, don't make plans, even in your head, without checking with him. I found that it hurt more when he agreed that he could come over and then, a blizzard hit and their car couldn't handle the roads, because I'd been looking forward to it and fantasizing how it would all play out in my head for days ahead of time.
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I knew that his money was tight. He told me this. Which is why I was paying for dinner with a gift card that I had. I am trying to be understanding, but i'm running out of it.

Ultimately he and I will be having a little "come to Jesus" talk as soon as I can get him to talk to me. Me going to bed crying, waking up in the night crying and waking up crying is just not healthy. The control his wife has over our relationship is not good. It may just be time to end everything.
 
newpoli said:
I don't know why it's her way all the time except that I have discovered that she is an extremely controlling, selfish, self centered person. This came as a surprise to me since I have known her for 10 years. She practically pushed us together and then said that she was not comfortable with us dating. It's been a long road.
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I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation with a couple. Had known the wife off and on all my life. She encouraged her husband and I until she went 180 degrees the other way.

My love fought for me in the face of her ultimatums to choose. He never did choose, but the situation became untenable when she asked me to remove myself from their lives. Here's the thing, despite the fact that my guy worked hard to maintain our relationship, and I appreciated it, I was still miserable. I felt rejected and unloved by my long term friend; I worried we would be in this hellish limbo forever; I was concerned about the long term effects her continual wrath was having on our guy (I never felt territorial, but I did feel as though I wanted to protect him, although I was helpless to do so), our relationship became diminished in our mutual effort to diffuse the wife, and I constantly feared losing him altogether.

So what I am trying to say, is even if your guy reaches the point where he is ready to deal with her head on, it's not going to ameliorate your sadness and insecurity.

The ordeal revealed just truly how self-centered and uncaring of anyone else she was. She reserved a special kind of hell for her husband. Due to children, he tried to save the marriage, but two marriage counselors could not fix it. They are divorcing.
 
Sounds like you're going to voice your concerns more formally, which is a good thing.

I still think that with another husband around, he could have gone off on your date. The loan situation isn't going to be handled overnight or with some spark of brilliance that only he alone can provide.

She sounds really controlling and as much as I hate jumping on the "leave him" bandwagon in these type threads, you very well might be better served by doing just that if you voice your concerns and he doesn't back up his words with actions.
 
Despite the fact that there were other folks she could emotionally lean on, if he is the primary breadwinner, then yes, he needs to be part of the financing conversation.

I do understand the need to circle the wagons when something falls apart - when I found mold in my cellar, I absolutely NEEDED to talk to Chops (even though he was with Xena that day), because it was overwhelming to me... no idea what to do about it, how dangerous it was, etc. The house wasn't caving in, and there was nothing we could do that day, so no, it wasn't an emergency per se, but it was an emotional "OMG!" to me, and I needed to talk with my partner.

If she is controlling in general, then yes, I would agree that's a problem, and I do think you should be able to work with him to get some more time in order to make up for the time you've lost with him. However, these moments suck and can put people in a state of being overwhelmed and needing to figure out what to do next. I think it's reasonable to want to have the support of the people closest to you during these moments. If you don't feel you'd be able to get the same from him if the chips were down, then that definitely needs to be addressed. Best of luck for your conversation with him - I hope things go well.
 
Love is unlimited, but time is a limited resource. Some people are just too busy to practice polyamory properly. I dated a lot of men when I was first divorced from my ex, and I found some men seemed very eager to love me and fuck me, but really had too many responsibilities at work: traveling, overtime, commutes, and home: partner, kids, housework, home maintenance, gardening, elder relatives to care for, they just didn't have time for another love relationship.

This goes for women who would like to practice poly too, of course.

I learned to choose new partners carefully. Unless I only wanted a casual relationship, and only wanted to see them once or twice a month, I held my new potentials to certain standards and requirements that would enable a deeper more involved relationship.
 
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