Feeling ditched again

Well this sucks

So, I talked to Z on Sunday night. I told him that while I understood that he needed to be with his family a the time I felt swept aside, unimportant and like my time with him got intruded upon again. He asked me what else he was supposed to do? And I said, there probably wasn't anything I just wanted him to now how I felt. I tried to express my feelings but I apparently did a poor job.

Last night he came over for our weekly date night. I understood that I had probably hurt him with what I said, but I was trying to be honest. I was trying to stand up for myself like he (and many other people) have told me I need to. I figured we would talk it through. Get to the root of the problem. I used the wrong words. He told me that I had broken his heart with what I said. He said that he couldn't trust me not to do it again. He broke up with me, broke my heart and left.

I hate to think this is truly the end, but I don't know what to do. I am obviously incredibly hurt. I just can't believe that in a few simple sentences that I managed to destroy a lot of hard work on both our parts. And I have to wonder how much of his wife whispering in his ear had to do with it. Luckily I am blessed with an abundance of amazing friends. My best friend came to my house immediately and I have plans with friends more than willing to listen the rest of the week. I'm going to go home and try to recharge with my family.
 
newpoli said:
He told me that I had broken his heart with what I said. He said that he couldn't trust me not to do it again. He broke up with me, broke my heart and left.
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You told him you felt brushed aside and he broke up over that? Sounds like he was looking for a reason.
 
WhatHappened said:
You told him you felt brushed aside and he broke up over that? Sounds like he was looking for a reason.
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I agree. Sounds like bull shit. He fucked up, you express your disappointment and you broke HIS heart? Sounds fishy to me. I hope OP that you find someone who values time with you
 
I'm with the others, I call bullshit.
 
I appreciate the support everyone. I have been wondering if there was something else going on. It just seems like a complete 180 from even just a few days before.

I have gotten an outpouring of support from my friends and family (although not all of them know about the relationship being poly). Including from his wife's other husband and his other wife (both friends of mine from before we started dating) and they have said that this changes nothing for them. They are still my friends and they are here for me.

I went into this with high hopes for my first foray into poly. It has not soured me on the idea. I take some experience and a lot of very good memories. Now to take the time to heal, check in with myself and move forward.
 
Good that you're not giving up. It's no different than when you're practising mono and you date some jerk, it doesn't mean you need to swear off dating for the rest of your life, it just means you dated some jerk. Swear off jerks.

Communication is not a solitary activity. Yes, it's possible to express yourself poorly, but it's equally possible to hear things between the lines that aren't really there. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was probably projecting his thoughts (either his own or implanted by his wife) onto your words. It may not have mattered how you expressed your feelings, he heard what he wanted to hear.

My mom used to be a big pushover. I would always encourage her to be more assertive. Of course, when she actually started doing it and I was young 20's, I got all offended because suddenly I was no longer getting my way all the time. Be careful what you wish for! When people tell our loved ones that they need to be more assertive, we don't mean with US! ;) Good on you for growing a backbone. There will be an adjustment period, it's not uncommon to go from "passive" to "aggressive" and completely skipping the "assertive" bit.
 
Here for support like everyone above. So sorry this had to happen, but glad it wasn't more drawn out than it could have been.

When hard conversations must be had, sure one or both sides can say something out of bounds or say something valid the wrong way, but if both parties really love each other then they'll keep working until everyone is really heard and understood. They don't just throw up their hands and give up. They might take a breather then come back to the table, but not give up altogether. This is a basic relationship skill that apparently someone was lacking. Please believe whatever words you used, this was not your fault. Keep speaking up for yourself.

I agree he was either unable to remain poly or a poor manager of his own feelings. Either way, you can and will do better. I know it won't happen overnight, but it's great that you have support. Don't be afraid to rely on them.
 
vanquish said:
When hard conversations must be had, sure one or both sides can say something out of bounds or say something valid the wrong way, but if both parties really love each other then they'll keep working until everyone is really heard and understood. They don't just throw up their hands and give up. They might take a breather then come back to the table, but not give up altogether. This is a basic relationship skill that apparently someone was lacking.
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I wish that was always true, but unfortunately some people never learn to communicate in a fair, two-way street kinda way. I don't think anything is ever as simple as "If you really loved me..." You can love someone and still lack all kinds of skills required for having a healthy, happy relationship. If you don't have the skills to communicate, then coming back to the table will just result in going around the same circles. Plenty of dysfunctional relationships have love but no equal communication, i.e. one partner dominates the other, etc.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
I wish that was always true, but unfortunately some people never learn to communicate in a fair, two-way street kinda way. I don't think anything is ever as simple as "If you really loved me..." You can love someone and still lack all kinds of skills required for having a healthy, happy relationship. If you don't have the skills to communicate, then coming back to the table will just result in going around the same circles. Plenty of dysfunctional relationships have love but no equal communication, i.e. one partner dominates the other, etc.
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I'm not saying love can't exist amidst dysfunctional behavior. What I'm saying is that love is, in part, the willingness to work through one's own dysfunction. Especially when the other side is being clear about what they need to know or want to hear.

More practically said, either someone is willing to work with you or they aren't. If they aren't, then you need to decide if you're willing to put up with them not working with you. At some point, you reach your limit.
 
Call me a pessimist, but love is a biochemical reaction in the brain. I think of the willingness to deal with relationship problems as being an aspect of commitment, not love. I think of the willingness to deal with your own dysfunctions as being an aspect of positive self-growth. You can't do self-growth "for" another person. You have to do it for yourself or it just won't stick.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Call me a pessimist, but love is a biochemical reaction in the brain. I think of the willingness to deal with relationship problems as being an aspect of commitment, not love. I think of the willingness to deal with your own dysfunctions as being an aspect of positive self-growth. You can't do self-growth "for" another person. You have to do it for yourself or it just won't stick.
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You're speaking of passionate love, which, yes, can be mercurial. For me, I can define love as a deep attraction involving a strong commitment, involving working through or overlooking each other's issues. Passion can come and go. But commitment, for me, is a hallmark of serious love.

I've heard others make the same comment about self-growth, but it's really semantics. You can decide that you personally value a relationship with someone enough to go to therapy or go through rehab. Ultimately, you're doing that because the relationship is of value to you. So if that's the mental/verbal gymnastics necessary...sure you're not doing it for them. You're doing it for you. And all that even circumvents the idea that you can start doing therapeutic work on yourself based on faith. Not religious, simply, "I really don't think that I have this issue, but I'll explore it because someone I love is asking me to." Does it have the probability of success than fulling believing you need to work through the issue? No, but I still hold that you can care about someone enough to do something you don't want to do ...and be open to it.
 
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