sealearner
New member
Hi all! New to this forum, but needed a place to vent/get some advice from people who have experience in poly relationships as the only poly person I know is the guy I have been seeing.
I have never been in a committed relationship, but never identified as poly as my relationship were also short term and based off of sexual attraction more than anything. This past August, I ran into a guy that I used to know from high school (we're 22/23 now and haven't talked in six years), and we hit it off well.
Very quickly he explained his lifestyle as a poly person and also told me that he's back for the fall and then leaving the country in middle of December, but didn't say how long. In summary, he is in a long term relationship with his partner (who I would assume he considers his primary although he has never used the term), and has also been seeing another girl for I think a year? I actually have met his long term partner and she was lovely and also really liked me, which was nice and comforting, although after meeting her I went through a lot of odd emotions that I'm not used to. However, polyamory really is interesting to me because I don't think I agree with the monogamy lifestyle of only being able to love one person.
So, end of August/early September we agreed that we'd let "whatever happens happen" as he said he wasn't sure if he could date and be emotionally invested in another person right now, but we had a lot of sexual chemistry and enjoyed spending time with each other despite our opposite schedules, usually resulting in us only have late evening hours until the morning together (lots of sleepovers, and maybe about once or twice a week - sometimes a couple of days in a row).
Mid/late September, he told me that he wants to try and make more time for me and take me on dates, but still isn't sure how much he can give to me emotionally, which I understand. He is always checking in with me to make sure I'm okay with our schedules and the manner that we usually see each other which is the late night early morning thing and often involves some drinks after he's out of work (usually always involving sex, which we both agree is incredibly enjoyable and I get the vibe that the sex we have is unique to our relationship). He also did say "I love you" one night (pre-drinks) and then explained that by that he meant he cares a lot about me and is really glad that we reconnected. I think he was a bit worried I would take it to heart too much because this is a new situation for me.
I have told him that I'm okay with the schedule because it seems to be the only time we can make it work, but it obviously isn't ideal for me. This conversation happened a few nights ago, and I texted him the next day telling him that we should find a time to see each other where we don't have any other obligations and that this weekend was my favorite time with him yet (we had a fun weekend). His response was that he agrees and him telling me that he is going to be away for the majority of October from here on out. Remember, he also is going to be leaving the country for a few months in the middle of December and I haven't been able to ask him how long yet because I don't want to come to terms with the answer (but I think it's at least a few months).
My current dilemma and feelings are that I really, really enjoy spending time with him and want to continue seeing him. I would love to continue seeing him when he returns from his trip, and would love to stay in touch with him while he's gone too. Right now, it's important that I see him out of our regular schedule we have going on. I know he sees his other partners a lot of does normal, day time activities and that's something I really want to do. He also is a slow communicator via texting. I don't know how to express that communicating with each other, not just with making plans, is important and I want to be able to feel like I can text or call him without worrying I'm coming of as needy or anything.
I also think he is going on this trip with his long term partner, and have the fear that maybe they will spend this time together there and want to close their relationship to just each other, which I guess I understand but it would just really hurt, although I can't stop myself from having any feelings I do toward him.
I don't need a label on our relationship, but I feel like I need to know the level of commitment I have from him and where he can see us going, or where he has taken relationships like this in the past. All I know is that he told me he has been bad at picking up hints of people he has dated in the past and it has ruined some potentially great relationships. I have been somewhat transparent with him, but I feel like I need to know "what we are" without freaking him out.
I don't want him to think I'm being overbearing, but I want to have some type of a conversation with him before he leaves for a couple of weeks this month. This leaves us November and then a little bit of December before he goes. I feel like I'm really invested in this and have been feeling down about the situation as I don't want to lose him as a friend/whatever else we could be in the future.
How can I bring up these concerns and fears to him that I have, and how can I best explain to him that it's important that we find the time to see each other for "dates" and that I would like to know where we stand in our relationship. I'm afraid that all of a sudden he could just drop me, and that really scares me.
I have never been in a committed relationship, but never identified as poly as my relationship were also short term and based off of sexual attraction more than anything. This past August, I ran into a guy that I used to know from high school (we're 22/23 now and haven't talked in six years), and we hit it off well.
Very quickly he explained his lifestyle as a poly person and also told me that he's back for the fall and then leaving the country in middle of December, but didn't say how long. In summary, he is in a long term relationship with his partner (who I would assume he considers his primary although he has never used the term), and has also been seeing another girl for I think a year? I actually have met his long term partner and she was lovely and also really liked me, which was nice and comforting, although after meeting her I went through a lot of odd emotions that I'm not used to. However, polyamory really is interesting to me because I don't think I agree with the monogamy lifestyle of only being able to love one person.
So, end of August/early September we agreed that we'd let "whatever happens happen" as he said he wasn't sure if he could date and be emotionally invested in another person right now, but we had a lot of sexual chemistry and enjoyed spending time with each other despite our opposite schedules, usually resulting in us only have late evening hours until the morning together (lots of sleepovers, and maybe about once or twice a week - sometimes a couple of days in a row).
Mid/late September, he told me that he wants to try and make more time for me and take me on dates, but still isn't sure how much he can give to me emotionally, which I understand. He is always checking in with me to make sure I'm okay with our schedules and the manner that we usually see each other which is the late night early morning thing and often involves some drinks after he's out of work (usually always involving sex, which we both agree is incredibly enjoyable and I get the vibe that the sex we have is unique to our relationship). He also did say "I love you" one night (pre-drinks) and then explained that by that he meant he cares a lot about me and is really glad that we reconnected. I think he was a bit worried I would take it to heart too much because this is a new situation for me.
I have told him that I'm okay with the schedule because it seems to be the only time we can make it work, but it obviously isn't ideal for me. This conversation happened a few nights ago, and I texted him the next day telling him that we should find a time to see each other where we don't have any other obligations and that this weekend was my favorite time with him yet (we had a fun weekend). His response was that he agrees and him telling me that he is going to be away for the majority of October from here on out. Remember, he also is going to be leaving the country for a few months in the middle of December and I haven't been able to ask him how long yet because I don't want to come to terms with the answer (but I think it's at least a few months).
My current dilemma and feelings are that I really, really enjoy spending time with him and want to continue seeing him. I would love to continue seeing him when he returns from his trip, and would love to stay in touch with him while he's gone too. Right now, it's important that I see him out of our regular schedule we have going on. I know he sees his other partners a lot of does normal, day time activities and that's something I really want to do. He also is a slow communicator via texting. I don't know how to express that communicating with each other, not just with making plans, is important and I want to be able to feel like I can text or call him without worrying I'm coming of as needy or anything.
I also think he is going on this trip with his long term partner, and have the fear that maybe they will spend this time together there and want to close their relationship to just each other, which I guess I understand but it would just really hurt, although I can't stop myself from having any feelings I do toward him.
I don't need a label on our relationship, but I feel like I need to know the level of commitment I have from him and where he can see us going, or where he has taken relationships like this in the past. All I know is that he told me he has been bad at picking up hints of people he has dated in the past and it has ruined some potentially great relationships. I have been somewhat transparent with him, but I feel like I need to know "what we are" without freaking him out.
I don't want him to think I'm being overbearing, but I want to have some type of a conversation with him before he leaves for a couple of weeks this month. This leaves us November and then a little bit of December before he goes. I feel like I'm really invested in this and have been feeling down about the situation as I don't want to lose him as a friend/whatever else we could be in the future.
How can I bring up these concerns and fears to him that I have, and how can I best explain to him that it's important that we find the time to see each other for "dates" and that I would like to know where we stand in our relationship. I'm afraid that all of a sudden he could just drop me, and that really scares me.
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