Feeling left out

N

nikki1331

New member
Background my husband and I were having marital issues a few years back. I was unhappy and felt like he didn't want me and didn't care. He was not intimate with me, and we were fighting all the time over the same issues. Anyways to say I was feeling lonely and had low self esteem would be an understatement. Anyways I started to confide in his best friend whom made me feel attractive and wanted and soon a relationship issued. We were having an affair and even though I felt guilty all the time it was nice to have someone care about me and desire me. Long story short the husband found out.
At first he was really up set as to be expected. I truly thought out marriage would be over. However something weird happened he suggested we swing with the best friend and his wife. We had experimented with swinging a few years prior. Anyways after sometime of sex stuff, it was suggested we become poly and form a relationship with the couple. At first this seemed like a good idea as we all cared about each other.
Weather were just playing with them or in a relationship with them I began to realize that the hubby still did not seem to want me. When it was her he could get it up, but with me he was tired or it just wouldn't work. Then he started to tell her he loved her. So now I have a 2 part problem he does not want me sexually and I have to share his love with someone else. Meanwhile I also feel that the other man does not want me or if he does want me it is on his schedule. He has a very vigorous sex life with his wife and so does my husband . I am on the sideline wanting someone to want me again. My husband says he loves me and he wants to fix this but he doesn't know why he like this with me. Any advise would be appreciated
 
1. First things first. His erectile problems with you are two fold.

a. You cheated on him and he may still be harboring resentment.

b. He has new relationship energy with his girlfriend and as a result she is new and interesting for him, plus she has not hurt him in the same way you have.

2. You need to make a conscious effort to separate your relationships. Your relationship with your boyfriend should not be compared to your relationship with your husband nor the relationship your husband has with his girlfriend or her marriage with your boyfriend. The amount or type of sex should not be compared nor should the intensity, romance or any other things people use to measure the health of their relationships. You will only set yourself up for jealousy, resentment and general yuck. Worry about each of your relationships as separate entities and stop comparing.
3. You cannot and should not expect equality in the relationship you have with your boyfriend and the relationship your husband has with his girlfriend. You are 4 separate and unique individuals. Its very unlikely the chemistry will be equal in both relationships let alone each of your marriages.
4. Have you discussed what will happen if your husband or you independently break up with your secondary partners? Is it assumed that the whole quad thing should end? Will the other couple be "allowed" to continue dating?
 
Last edited:
As much as I can agree equality is not going to happen I just would like to not feel like a 4th wheel. I feel as if I am the one left out. The rare occasion I do get to be with the boyfriend my hubby gets jealous. So I am stuck in the uncontrollable cycle either feeling left out and lonely or feeling guilty for having some sort of fun. I would agree with you about the her being then new thing in his life and even about the feeling hurt about the affair being the reason he can't get it up for me. However there is the issue of what I said before he could not get it up for me before the affair......We all had a discussion today and I am not sure where it is going. I do know I pissed off the boyfriend just due to a misunderstanding. The hubby made me feel like I had no rights to feel this way, I cheated on him so I should just except anything that happens. I do know I have had other friends that have said the number 1 lady/man comes first. That they are your priority, so I think that is why I am so upset I do not feel as if I am number 1. I will probably just have to give it time. Until then I have been told to play with my toys even though the real thing is much better.
 
There are some really unhealthy dynamics at play here. It sounds like you and your husband didn't deal with the affair and fix your relationship before starting poly//swinging. Unfortunately, swinging and poly do not fix relationships, they just shine a huge light on the issues. IMHO, your relationship with your husband isn't healthy enough for you guys to be trying to wade through poly/swinging, and it sounds like a lot of "acting out" is happening.

You should try to find a therapist and work through the other issues in your relationship before becoming entangled in even more complicated issues. This isn't going to end well for you, him, and probably not the other couple.


nikki1331 said:
As much as I can agree equality is not going to happen I just would like to not feel like a 4th wheel. I feel as if I am the one left out. The rare occasion I do get to be with the boyfriend my hubby gets jealous. So I am stuck in the uncontrollable cycle either feeling left out and lonely or feeling guilty for having some sort of fun. I would agree with you about the her being then new thing in his life and even about the feeling hurt about the affair being the reason he can't get it up for me. However there is the issue of what I said before he could not get it up for me before the affair......We all had a discussion today and I am not sure where it is going. I do know I pissed off the boyfriend just due to a misunderstanding. The hubby made me feel like I had no rights to feel this way, I cheated on him so I should just except anything that happens. I do know I have had other friends that have said the number 1 lady/man comes first. That they are your priority, so I think that is why I am so upset I do not feel as if I am number 1. I will probably just have to give it time. Until then I have been told to play with my toys even though the real thing is much better.
Click to expand...
 
Hi nikki1331,

If you aren't being treated right and the bad treatment goes on for ... weeks? months? years? ... sooner or later you may want to consider the unthinkable: breaking up with your husband and the other couple. In the meantime, you can try to talk and reason with those three people.

You and your husband, indeed, perhaps all four of you, need to start sessions with a poly-friendly counselor. The dysfunctions are of a kind and intensity that they need professional help. Go to a counselor yourself if no one will go with you.

Please keep us posted on your situation and we will continue to try to advise.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
nikki1331 said:
Background my husband and I were having marital issues a few years back. I was unhappy and felt like he didn't want me and didn't care. He was not intimate with me, and we were fighting all the time over the same issues. Anyways to say I was feeling lonely and had low self esteem would be an understatement. Anyways I started to confide in his best friend whom made me feel attractive and wanted and soon a relationship issued. We were having an affair and even though I felt guilty all the time it was nice to have someone care about me and desire me.
Click to expand...
nikki1331 said:
I truly thought out marriage would be over.
Click to expand...

I also would have thought the marriage was over. I'm not entirely sure why so many years of so much unhappiness should continue. Why exactly are you still clinging to this when I haven't seen even a single kind word about this association with your husband? As far as I can tell you should have abolished this relationship and moved on with your life years ago... why not do it now and get on with it?

I don't find marriage to be important, I find flourishing to be important. By your own description you haven't been anything even remotely resembling flourishing in YEARS. All I'm suggesting is that you take a cold and rational look at what you're doing and wipe the "my marriage is my life" glop off of your eyes and then decide what you want to do. Either way, I wish you the best.
 
Although my husband is not perfect and at times our relationship has been rocky to the point I have almost walked away, I do love him. I have been married before and we stayed together way to long ,just to stay together their were no longer loving feelings. Although I do feel sex is important in a relationship I know that their is more to a relationship than that. My husband is very attentive to me and loving. He is definitely the romantic one of the 2 of us. Even though I do get jealous of the attention he gives her, I know he loves me. I have since this original post had a discussion with him and the other couple. I hope we can work things out. I also think counseling is a good idea and we will be looking into it soon. I think I feel much better since talking to them all and posting on here. Thanks everyone for the advise, basically I have decided that I am important and while I am sorry I hurt everyone with my original betrayal I do not have to punish myself everyday for it not allow others to do the same.
 
Glad things are looking up now.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top