Feeling like a disappointment

[danieheartsu]

I can't shake the feeling that I am a big disappointment to my partner M. We currently have a V with S. All of this is new to all three of us and we are trying to find our groove. I know what M wants out of life. Ideally she would love to have a triad with me and S. The problem is I don't think I am comfortable with that at this point in time.1. I am not sexually attracted to S. M and I have way different tastes. I like S, she is a sweet person, but that's it. 2. I tend to be a selfish person by nature and past experiences with adding a 3 rd person to our mix never worked out. I have no problems With how things are right now. M is the pivot in our V, S is new to this and mono and I date others besides M. M understands that it probably won't work and tells me she is happy with how things are and will get over it, but I can't help but feel like I am a huge disappointment to her. Is this just my insecurities shining through or should I be worried that things are going south?

 

[YouAreHere]

M understands that it probably won't work and tells me she is happy with how things are and will get over it, but I can't help but feel like I am a huge disappointment to her. Is this just my insecurities shining through or should I be worried that things are going south?

I'd say, if M understands and will be fine, then trust her. Your friends and partners are ones you pick out for yourself, no? Then why would this be any different?

 

[GalaGirl]

So M would love a triad but she knows that just her wanting it doesn't make a triad happen. The wants of the other two partners also have to line up some something like that to occur. She is happy in a V with you and S. She sounds realistic about it.

You are taking it as some failing on your part because you are to not attracted to S? What are you feeling insecure about? You mention it but do not actually articulate the fear. It is not "should you be worried" -- you ARE worrying.

Do you fear M and S will leave you behind to go find that triad leg person to replace you? Is that the worry?

Unless there is more to the story like M behavior examples where she is treating you badly? I think you could be right about it being your own insecurities. Your fearful thoughts could be cranking up your own anxiety there. To combat that?

You could BELIEVE your partner's word when she says she is happy with how things are. She is not in the habit of lying, right?

If you need some reassurance and comforting words so you can feel better and happier you could ask M is she is willing to provide that.

You could also talk BACK to your fearful thoughts.

If I wake up scared there is a burglar? I can look again and change my mind when I realize it was the tree outside shadow in the corner. First thoughts are not always reliable.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from OP):

"S is new to this and mono ..."

... which is another reason why a danieheartsu-S-M triad would be impossible. Unless S is just mono by circumstance and would be open to the idea of taking a second lover.

A triad isn't some superior configuration compared to a V and you're not failing on some fundamental level just because a triad wouldn't work for you at this time.

Re:

"M understands that it probably won't work and tells me she is happy with how things are and will get over it ..."

... and if that's what she says, then that's what you should believe. Trust her to tell you the truth. If she betrays that trust, then that's on her. You need (a) partner/s who you can depend on to tell you the truth, don't you?

Forcing a V to become a triad would be like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Let the composite relationship assume its natural shape. That goes for M too, she should let the composite relationship assume its natural shape. And it sounds like she will.