Feeling Like a Poly Failure

S

silencebreaking

New member
Poly is hard. There are so many different emotions to process, especially as this is my first experience with a poly relationship. While I don't have any other partners, my partner (Troop) does. I've known about the other partners since the start. It wasn't an issue for me at first as the two that were local, he didn't see very often due to their schedules; the one that is not local, well... she wasn't local.

Then Troop and one of the local partners broke up. And the other, it seems as though they've done a slow fade. The non-local partner (Sunny) came to visit last week. She'll be in the area for a bit over a month, and staying with Troop for almost half of that time.

After the last few days, I feel like I'm fucking up at poly. When I told Troop this, he asked me why I felt that way, and told me that I'm not at all. I feel like I'm fucking it up because I'm feeling selfish and jealous, and that I don't want our routine to change. And that even reminding myself that Sunny is only staying with him for a short time and that they don't get much time together isn't helping much. And part of me can't help but wonder if I'm feeling like this now, how I will handle things if Troop meets someone local and things gets serious?

Troop's response was to tell me that it's good that I'm acknowledging that I'm feeling the way I do, that it can sometimes be the hardest thing for people to admit. He's glad that I've acknowledged it and I'm trying to work through it, and he wants to help as much as he can. But he also asked if it was worth borrowing the trouble from the future. I feel that it's a valid concern... What if I can't handle it? Isn't it better to find that out now, before we start making plans for the future, that are more serious than “someday” and “maybe soon...” that we've been talking about?

Before Sunny came to visit, I had my first brief foray into the jealousy area as Troop told me that she had made a comment about how she'd be at home, and he'd come home in the evenings and she'd cook him dinner and they could curl up and watch TV or play video games together. And all I could think was that I don't even get to do that with him on a regular basis, why the hell does she get to do that? But it felt silly and childish to feel that way, so I pushed the feelings aside and kept on going. I told Troop about it on Friday night when we had some one-on-one time. He can understand why it bothered me to hear it, and why it sparked the jealousy that it did.

As for stuff that has happened while she has been here, since she arrived on Tuesday, I've seen them both every night except the night she arrived. Some of it planned, as we attended a local slosh together one night, and a mutual friend invited us all out to dinner on Friday night (I tried to talk my way out of it, but the mutual friend kept countering my reasons to not attend, so I went). Sunny knew that Troop was going to be staying at my house on Friday night no matter what, but he'd forgotten to mention that was the plan for Saturday as well, which is just compounding my worries about everything. So that lack of/miscommunication resulted in some awkwardness as they both came over for dinner on Saturday night. We had an enjoyable evening together, and she started to pack up a few things that she had brought over, but Troop didn't pack his things up. That was when she found out that he wasn't going back to his place with her. They've since talked about her feelings about that, and what she was expecting and wanting from him.

So now, as a way to compensate for my being around so much early on in the visit, he's not seeing me this week except for Friday night when we go to the local game shop for open board night (our usual Friday night plans). He'll stay with me that night, but after he leaves on Saturday morning I won't see him again until around the middle of the following week, when the three of us have plans to attend the local poly group meeting (Sunny was active with the group before she moved away, and wants to see people there – and I'm hoping for an improvement over the fiasco that was the January meeting).

I told him that I wasn't going to lie, it bothers me that the only time that we are going to have that is going to be just the two of us in the next almost two weeks was going to be after game on Friday night until he leaves on Saturday morning, he said that he isn't a fan of it either, that it's a tough situation. So he's going to talk to her, and see if we can squeeze another night out.

I feel like he's being forced to choose between us, and I hate that I'm putting him into this position. I hate that things are up in the air, that there were no plans made for any part of this trip other than her arrival and departure dates. Even the date that she goes from staying with Troop to visiting her other partner is vague, it's just “sometime between February 3rd and February 6th.” I'm not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants person. Troop knows this about me. I feel like a LOT of the frustration with everyone getting time with Troop could have been avoided if plans other than “hey, can I crash with you for a week or two?” had been made.

I feel like some of this could be worked through if Sunny and I maybe sat down and talked, but she's seen me 5 of the last 7 days and I'm guessing that I'm the LAST person she wants to see right now. And I don't know what to say to her. I'm sorry that I'm needy, and selfish, and feeling completely over my head? That I don't know how to “do” poly? I don't want things to be awkward for Troop. He's been so ecstatically happy the last several days, having us both around. He's had a goofy grin on his face pretty much the whole time, with the exception of when one of us has indicated that we are bothered by something.

And now I'm just rambling. At this point, I'm looking forward to Wednesday night, as I'll be seeing my counselor (anxiety/depression). She knows about the poly aspect of our relationship and has been really supportive of things. Hopefully she can help me get further into my own head on everything that has been going on.
 
You can do it!

Hey Silencebreaking, you know what? I think you're going to be a success, not a failure through this!
It sounds like Troop is really committed to you - he asks you to explain your feelings instead of coming back with a cocky answer. He agrees with you that the situation is awkward, and he's being supportive in other ways.
You've got a head on your shoulders, you're thinking well enough to write at length about the specifics of the scenario and precisely what's bothering you. And you're reaching out in a couple of ways (here, and the counselor) for help.
Another thing I see as a positive in your polyscape is that you're able to actually meet & be around your metamour. It may be awkward somewhat, but if the same guy loves you, you've probably got things in common that you'd really enjoy in a purely platonic way.

Some things I'd suggest... spend some time thinking about what you feel a supportive metamour would be like or do for you? Reverse that... How do you think you can be a supportive metamour?
Because if you're going to enrich Troop's life, then enriching his relationships (as long as they are good/non-toxic) is a great goal to have. If you could develop this understanding and attitude with his other partners, you'll enrich everyone's lives.

You might explore on your own, or ask your counselor about attachment theory in adult romantic relationships. It deals with anxious, secure, and avoidant attachment styles, and the feelings that kind of person goes through when their attachment systems get activated.
I don't agree with everything I read, but it might help you put in perspective some of the feelings you're having, and give you some ideas to work with, to become more secure with your lover and your metamours.

Best wishes!
 
silencebreaking, I think we all can relate to your feelings one way or another. Everyone has felt unsure and insecure at some time or other and everyone has known the unmoored feeling of being in over our heads in a meaningful relationship. As GreenApples says, you've got an excellent start with this overwhleming situation in that you can analyze it and reach out for assistance with it. You're doing the opposite of fucking up! You're sensing that you're not quite where you want to be and you're taking steps to be where you want to be. Everyone has a desired place that is beyond them and this is a beautiful thing. This is what drives us forward, both individually and as a world. You're right where you should be and you're doing beautifully.

I'm intrigued by GA's mention of Attachment Theory and have not heard of this. Already by reading up on it today, I'm learning some very helpful things for myself (so thank you!) I'm heartened to read that this researcher makes the very helpful point that ...research in attachment theory is pointing in a thrilling direction: that just because an individual is, as an adult, suffering from attachment issues that negatively affect their romantic relationships, that doesn’t mean they will forever. It's important to know that the "underwater" feelings you have right now will not always be your experience in a situation like this.

Jealousy and insecurity are about self-diminishing thoughts. Yes, we can turn to our loved ones for reassurance (and your man sounds sweetly loving and that is wonderful) but by far the most lasting "cure" for insecurity is for us to do some inside work on ourselves (as you already know.) Thoughts can always evolve and influence how we feel, they are changeable - always. When jealously crops up, it does us the favor of pointing to our most vulnerable and insecure aspects, giving us valuable information about where we might start shining more of a loving light. For me, the absolute best response to jealous thoughts is turning my focus away from my inner critic and putting it on thoughts that are more self-appreciative in nature. A huge turn doesn't work ("I am amazing!!! often rings hollow when I'm feeling horrible to begin with) but even a slight shift in the direction of appreciation can lift you up above the water line. If self-appreciation is out of reach (as it can be in times of great overwhelm) even appreciating tiny things around us can have a turning effect - not huge seismic shifts, but a turn in the direction of the stream where we want to be going instead of drowning in jealously and self depreciation.

Far from being a failure, you're actually well on your way to poly success. You're taking on a situation in which you want to be successful and you're looking for ways to become successful: success being feeling secure, settled, appreciated and solid no matter the comings and goings of the people in your intimate community. Trying to control or even understand the doings of other people is exhausting and of limited effectiveness. True and lasting security comes from within. This state of inner security is totally accessible, you just need more practice and experience, met with a confident, open heart. This is what maturity is all about and from what I'm seeing in you above, you're well on your way.
 
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It sounds like your poly people work with you. This is good.

I think you could consider not taking things personally and view them situationally. Perhaps that change in outlook could serve you better?

For example...

I feel like he's being forced to choose between us, and I hate that I'm putting him into this position. I hate that things are up in the air, that there were no plans made for any part of this trip other than her arrival and departure dates.
Click to expand...

He chose to be a hinge. Nobody is forcing him here. You are not putting him here. You simply have some connection needs to address so you can feel good. That is hardly being "needy and selfish." Stop taking it personally like "you did this."

Step back and view it as a learning situation. You did not know to do it ahead. From having had this uncomfortable experience, you now have learned that you prefer to map out more than arrive/departure times with your hinge so you know what's going on and feel less anxious. In time maybe you can let some of that go, but for now since it's your first polyship and this is new, it might help to have a plan. Take it more like "this situation happened."

Maybe you would like to ask Troop to tell you less details for now too -- "We plan a night in" rather than details about her cooking for him and all. Map out what you need for "before care" and "after care" and if the visit is long "mid-care" on the plan.

Maybe some of these could help with the jealousy/envy management.
  • Jealousy -- I am afraid someone will take what I have.
  • Envy -- I wish I had what someone else has

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/jealousy-first-aid

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Hi silencebreaking,

I think it's human nature to feel selfish and jealous; polyamorists are no more immune to it than monogamists. The goal isn't to avoid feeling those things; the goal is to use those things to get a better understanding of yourself, of your strengths and limitations. You need things to be planned out better, and you need to not hear about how exciting Sunny's visit's going to be when it's not going to be exciting at all for you.

I'm thinking you are pushing yourself too hard, trying to make everything perfect for everyone else at the cost of your own well-being. You're not a failure if you inform the others that you have some needs, specific things you need them to do.

This "short-term exercise" (Sunny's visit) is an opportunity to learn how to deal with long-term situations such as someone local who becomes a partner of Troop's in the future. You know there are things you can't process very well (We all have such things); when you become aware of those things, you communicate with Troop about them and work towards an agreeable compromise.

A long-term situation actually has an advantage over a short-term exercise, in that in a long-term situation, you have more time to gradually get used to it. This trip of Sunny's has been dumped in your lap and you won't nearly have enough time to get used to her being around.

I think if you keep communicating with Troop, interacting with the folks on this forum, and explaining your anxieties to your counselor, you will be okay. You won't be okay all the time and things might be rough for the next few weeks, but overall and in the long run, I think you'll find that you can succeed.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GreenApples918, thank you for the suggestion on attachment theory! (I keep wanting to write string theory - SO not the same thing!) One of the sites I looked at referenced a book which I now have on order with the local branch library. I should be able to pick it up in a day or two. Looks like I'll be spending the weekend curled up reading on something other than my laptop!

HappilyFallenAngel, Troop is very much sweetly loving towards me (and Sunny, from what I've seen of their interactions). I'm thinking that I may send my counselor a link to this thread before my appointment, so that she can possibly have a heads up on what is going through my head, and what I am processing/reading.

GalaGirl, I did message Troop today to talk about my need to have a schedule/structure, and how I feel when neither is present. It's something that we are going to work on. We already have our own established routine (game night on Friday, then we are together from Saturday evening until Sunday evening, and we see each other once or twice during the week, depending on our schedules). I think that knowing what is going on/has already happened would be more beneficial to me, as then I won't feel as though I'm out of the loop. Which is something else that we talked about today.

Before the visit, we had talked about how much information we want to know about our relationships with others. He likes to know details, and I told him that I didn't know how much I wanted to know (we hadn't been in that situation before - I don't know what I don't want to know yet). I had to ask him about a few things with Sunny, and before I did, I thought about what was bothering me so much about having to ask for the information - it was that it made me feeling like I was prying for information that we'd previously discussed and that I knew he was comfortable sharing freely, and it made me feel as though something was being hidden from me. I communicated that to him, and he apologized and answered my questions. We are now on the same page regarding sharing.

I've been reading the links you provided, and they are making me think, in good ways. I am definitely glad that I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow!

Kevin, thank you. You're right, I am probably pushing myself too hard. I've often been the "fixer" when it comes to resolving situations, both personally and at work. If I can't get something to work right (or the way I think it should be working), I end up feeling like a failure - which is exactly what has been happening here.

I have some places to go for more information, a book on order at the library, and I know I can come here to ask questions. I appreciate that, more than you know. Thank you all!
 
You are not jealous or insecure for wanting to plan your life. Your metamour needs to take into account your need for predictability.
 
hi SilenceNotAFailureBreaking,
I'm glad the attachment stuff is seeming relevant!
Attachment theory / String theory / No Strings Attached... it makes sense :D

I'm curious what your counselor thought of it?
And what book did you find? I'm reading Attached. by Levine and Heller. Its descriptions are helpful but a few comments in the book talk about finding fulfillment in one secure relationship. To me, fulfillment and security are different things; We can be secure with one or multiple partners, but we get (closer to) fulfillment by loving and being loved by more than one.

But, beyond that, how are you doing? Are you feeling better about your situation in general?
 
When I mentioned Attachment Theory to my counselor, she doesn't think that it is really applicable as I had a solid upbringing, as did Troop. I'm still researching it though, as I'd like to find out more.

I didn't make it to the library yesterday before they closed, but I have Attached on hold. I was going to go today, but we've been hit by Snowpocalypse 2015, and the library is closed due to severe weather. Maybe tomorrow?

Overall, I'm feeling better about things. I wrote up a draft of what I wanted to say to Sunny and slept on it. And then I shared it with Troop, so that he knew what I was feeling, and to see if he thought I was being over-the-top with the message. He told me that it sounded good, and that it would open communication between us at the very least.

So I sent it. And I waited. And I waited. And she replied a few hours later, once she got up (she's still on West Coast time, I think). She told me that she's sorry I'm feeling awkward, and she doesn't feel that they are. She told me that she didn't think I'd been too involved, that it's hard to balance things, and that she likes me and is very glad that I make Troop so happy. She was surprised and disappointed by the way things had gone the previous Saturday, as she had been looking forward to a lazy morning with Troop, as she rarely gets to have that with him. So Troop ended up taking Friday off work, and they got to have a lazy morning and spend the day together. Then she dropped him off at my house around the time I got off work, so that Troop and I could have our Friday game night.

Troop has plans pretty much every Saturday with some of his friends, so I asked her if she wanted to get together and have lunch, maybe do some window shopping. She was up for it, so we planned for that. Then Troop's plans were canceled, so he joined us (and carried our bags for the "window shopping" that turned into actual shopping at thrift stores).

We had some friends to my place on Saturday night for board games and Cards Against Humanity, so it was a good night overall. Sunny and Troop left together, which I knew would happen... but it still sucked. So I have an idea of how it felt for her when she went back to his place to sleep alone. And now we are each snowed in at our respective homes.

I'll see them both on Tuesday night for the poly group meeting, and Sunny is possibly headed to see her other partner on Wednesday or Thursday. Other than that, I'm not sure what the plan is for this week.
 
Sounds like things have improved a little?
 
Things have improved. I'm not feeling like such a failure, and understand that what I'm feeling is normal... I don't have to make everything perfect - I just have to be myself, and let things happen naturally.
 
That's the spirit.
 
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