feelings of envy and left out

D

Dburke

New member
My first post, hope this is ok to post here..
Hi we are new to the poly lifestyle. We have been married for 12 yrs and always have had great communication and love, we have been through everything and i feel we have a strong marriage. We occasionally would have random group sex which was fun, but we decided that we wanted intimate relationships on a deeper level, and we evolved into a polyamory couple. We have both been actively looking for separate partners, she has had way more activity than me, i have done several dating websites, i am really putting myself out there... now she has gone on a couple dates with one guy and shes pretty sure on sticking with him. I love the new experiences she is having and the personal growth that she is experiencing, but i feel envious because i have yet to find a woman that will talk to me let alone date, because of the whole poly thing. I feel rejection like never before, and i have had interest from single women, but when the women question the poly idea, it always fails.. Also i am worried if this continues, and i find no one to connect with.. my wife and i will go down separate paths and maybe, i fear that our relationship will suffer as well. I also do not feel that it is right to tell her to pull back on the reigns because she is happy right now. Any advice would be great!
 
I don't mean "what is the general concept you try to convey?", I mean "what are the words you use?" Details matter if you're talking about the difference between coming across as a member of a healthy poly relationship vs. as a sleazebag who's not only cheating on his wife but also rubbing her nose in it by making her "agree" to it as the price of avoiding divorce and losing her house (as a deliberately exaggerated example).
 
Emm said:
I don't mean "what is the general concept you try to convey?", I mean "what are the words you use?" Details matter if you're talking about the difference between coming across as a member of a healthy poly relationship vs. as a sleazebag who's not only cheating on his wife but also rubbing her nose in it by making her "agree" to it as the price of avoiding divorce and losing her house (as a deliberately exaggerated example).
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ok so let me go into more detail, we live in south, also called the bible belt. most do not eve know what poly is..so most of the people i meet are online at the moment, i go through long conversations, sometimes days long, about how it makes me pleased to see my wife grow as a partner and it pleases me to see her happy, i explain what poly is and what it means to me. usually its an ok conversation, sometimes i get nude photos and some just want casual sex, this is not what i want, i want to connect with someone on a personal level, some women think this is swingin..some women are just desperate, so to better rephrase, i get bites but from all the wrong women..also what do i do with all this envy, or jealousy, for wanting happy experiences like my wife is having? i feel very alone when she is out on dates, maybe this is just not for me? either way i want to learn from all of this and hope i can find a positive outcome
 
Honestly I'm getting the impression the poly is something ypu activily desire and could be happy with. But your at a hard point right now.

It's common for women to have an easier time then men meeting others. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible to meet someone.

I'm not sure what your profile is like but maybe something on there is not attracting the attention uou want. Do you talk alot about your wife on your profile? What type of image are you putting out there? What sites are you using? Some are more poly friendly than others.

Perhaps talking about your fears with your wife might help? Partners and friends can be a good source of support in dating life. Is your wife as happy for you to meet someone you are for her?
 
jayblue122 said:
Honestly I'm getting the impression the poly is something ypu activily desire and could be happy with. But your at a hard point right now.

It's common for women to have an easier time then men meeting others. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible to meet someone.

I'm not sure what your profile is like but maybe something on there is not attracting the attention uou want. Do you talk alot about your wife on your profile? What type of image are you putting out there? What sites are you using? Some are more poly friendly than others.

Perhaps talking about your fears with your wife might help? Partners and friends can be a good source of support in dating life. Is your wife as happy for you to meet someone you are for her?
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Okcupid seems way better than tinder and bumble, on okcupid, my profile pics are normal head shots, and normal body photos, i describe what i am looking for not so much what the poly lifestyle is, i briefly mention my 2 children and my wife.. I do talk to my my wife about this alot and the more i talk to her the more i feel like im just whining lol and its beginning to make her think about me more when shes out on a date, and i don't want that to affect her negatively in that way haha. My wife does want me to meet someone as well.. One of my guy friends suggests maybe not be so upfront about the poly thing in the beginning, he says maybe just let things happen and see where it goes when i talk to singles?
 
Hi Dburke,

I would keep on doing what you're doing on OKCupid and other dating sites. Other than that, perhaps looking for a local poly group is the thing to do. Google "North Carolina polyamory" or "polyamory" with the name of your nearest major city, and see what comes up.

Men do have a harder time than women at finding someone to date; that's just something you have to live with and sort through. The fact that you must present yourself as a poly man makes it extra hard. You'll have to exercise patience.

How do you present yourself on OKCupid? Perhaps there's ways to improve in that area.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Have you asked a friend to proof read your profile? It's easy to let small but important mistakes or poor word choices through if the same person who wrote it edits it, and small things can completely change the overall impression.
 
Awesome points in here thanks so much!!! we have a group I will attend first time next month..my wife thinks my profile is good too..but I will get one of my other friends to proof it too.
 
Try to get someone in your "target audience" to read it for you. They'll know what the red flags are because they'll probably have seen them before. Edit: If you're comfortable doing so, you could post it here for comment, either as a link to your profile or as cut 'n paste text.
 
The first thing that jumps out at me is your second line: "Looking for the right one, a free spirited partner" reads like you're looking for "the one", ie, someone you'd leave your wife for. Your "looking for" section, on the other hand, makes it seem like you're more interested in one-night stands. Neither attract my attention as a poly woman, but it could explain why you get bites from the wrong people. If I was mono and looking for "the one" and found after chatting that you have no intention of leaving your wife I'd lose interest. If I was looking for a no-strings hookup and was in the habit of sending nudes to strangers then I might do that in response to your "Looking for" bit, then back off when it turned out you wanted a relationship.

I'd also suggest you take another look at how you've selected your Unacceptable Answers to the questions, because some of them don't make sense and they are what the algorithm uses to find matches. For example, in answer to "Is astrological sign at all important in a match?" you have said "No" for yourself, but also marked "No" as an unacceptable answer, meaning that the site will try to match you with people into astrology over people who aren't. That might not be a problem, but when you do the same thing with bigger issues like "How many children would you ideally like to have?" the potential miss-match becomes more problematic (also, since you already have kids, why did you answer "none" to that? Surely your ideal number would be no fewer than the number of kids you already have?).

You then include excessive use of couple-speak throughout the rest of the text: "We feel...", "helps us...", "ourselves...", etc, rather than "I feel", "helps me", "myself". Many solo poly women are likely to be put off by that because it reeks of a couple-centric view of the world that automatically relegates other partners to "less-than" status. This is reinforced by the "Looking for" section again, where you specify single women rather than being open to people who are already in other relationships of their own (ie: someone who is actually poly already).
 
..you need to know, my wife and i don't keep secrets from each other, we have very good communication which is very important to us.*
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This statement right here would make me run like hell as a poly woman.

I like my relationships to be private with my partner. I do not want details shared with another partner not involved in the relationship. I am very private person and do not want my partner giving a play by play to his wife be it about my sex life or daily life.
 
Definitely drop the "we" perspective if that's how you've worded your profile (I didn't check it out, as my OKC profile is currently on hold and if I login it will re-activate it). You might also want to just use the word open as well as poly, because there are so many misperceptions, but make sure you are clear about not being interested in swinging. Don't talk too much about your relationship with your wife, other than mentioning she's ok with you dating - because poly women want to know about YOU most of all. You might also want to have a link to the More Than Two website in your profile.

I also wanted to say that you need to remember it's not a race. You don't have to have another relationship just because your wife does. Once things get rolling, there may be times you have a partner and she doesn't. It doesn't have to be even-steven.

I think that what a great many newbie couples don't stop to realize is that it could very well be a blessing when only one is dating outside the marriage, because it is a huge change to the dynamic of your relationship. Both of you dating at the same time will be another huge shift to handle.

So, stop thinking, "she has and I don't have" and start thinking more about the profound changes and new awareness this approach has brought you. Be OPEN and available to another person if you meet someone and hit it off, but don't be tempted to indulge in the notion that things have to be even between you and your wife. I broke up with a married poly guy when he confessed that he was searching for additional partners because his wife had two boyfriends and he was feeling left out. I want someone to date me because they are turned on by being with me, not to keep pace with their partner.
 
I have changed my profile, i also talk more on there what i am looking for..yes, you're right its not a race, maybe this is what i need right now anyway, i have had more interest since I started this post, but i dont have any atraction yet...ill be patient, i dont wanna settle..Those are some really good points for me right now ! Thanks!
 
Now you've removed all references to your wife and children, which may look like a bait 'n switch when you reveal them later after someone has shown interest. I'd leave some of the happily married stuff in, just don't make it look like you're joined at the hip.
 
I'm curious if there's any guys out there living this lifestyle reading this, I would love to see your profile, if you don't mind sharing. you could p.m. me or post it on here whatever you're comfortable with..
 
I too am in the bible belt, and it's a tough go here. Women who are poly or into any kind of non-monogamy have no problem here finding partners - there just aren't many who are poly-oriented anywhere near me. Of course, while the women seem to easily find partners, the men may not be sincere, poly-oriented guys - more opportunists. I've tried the various sites for many years while living here, and only found cheaters - not the kind of woman I want to get involved with.

My one almost-poly relationship here in the south was developed through friends who are swingers. Some swingers (and there are single women amongst them) are open to poly - at least they are honestly open to some form of non-monogamy. If I were single (or willing to lie about it), I'd have plenty of dates.

Anyway, unless you are in/near a large city, you may want to consider if this will work for you at all.
 
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