finding out how to be poly

G

GraceSmith

New member
I have two questions.

How do I let go of my primary so he can be who he wants to be?

How do you find a poly relationship?

We've been married for almost 17 years. We married young, ages 19 and 21.

I want to be less caring about his interactions with his girlfriends. I want to be less jealous. The thing is, he is absolutely amazing. I don't want to give him up, but I do want to allow him to be who he is!

I think that if I were able to find a boyfriend, I would gain some hands-on experience similar to what he is feeling. I would welcome another in my life. I just haven't found him yet. I feel attractive and sexy, just not sure how to pursue someone that may interest me. Should I go out on the town without my wedding band on? Flirt? I don't know if I remember how. It's been so long.
 
For context's sake:
When did you guys open your relationship?
How long has he been dating other women?
How many girlfriends does he have?
How serious are those relationships?
Do you know his girlfriends?
What sort of jealousy or other difficulties are you experiencing, exactly?
 
Thanks for the post!

How long have we been open? I have realized that he was poly for about four or five years. He has been so patient and caring about my needs, and didn't want to upset me, so he didn't really express it until he wanted to make a relationship sexual.

How many girlfriends does he have? I would have to say three right now, besides me. Some are at different levels than others. One is pretty much non-sexual, but the three of us are great friends. I love her and think that she is a wonderful person.

Another was my best friend in high school and jealousy pretty much killed our relationship. We still talk, but it's not the same.

The third is a bit odd, because we are okay friends, but she's always been competitive, it's just her nature, which sometimes makes things difficult for me.

The weird thing is, the second two are not poly, but they seem willing to have sexual relationships with him. He is very caring. Both the second two have major medical issues... and he listens. I am not sure if he just fulfills something that their husband's can't. Like I said, he is an amazing person. I understand why they love him.

The first one is special to both of us. She is poly. She does not have a primary. I am not comfortable with sexual relations with her because I am paranoid about STDs. She is clean and respectable, but she does have relationships with other men from time to time. If I have sex with someone, I want it to be in a small circle, not swinging. It just doesn't feel safe. We have told her and she respects that. I do not want to limit her to us, and I think she understands that too. I hope she does find a primary, as that I think she wants to, but he must be poly. I think limiting her to us would inhibit that, nor would she want that.
 
Some quick thoughts. Group activities are a great way to meet people, like classes, hiking groups, etc. Okcupid is one good, free online dating site that's poly friendly. And maybe there's even a poly social group in your area that you could find by searching online.

In terms of the jealousy, maybe this site will give you some helpful thoughts. There are several great essays on the topic: http://www.morethantwo.com/

Three girlfriends plus a wife is a LOT. He must be a busy man! Make sure you and he have enough time together to feel fulfilled. Make sure you go out on dates with each other.

So, two of his gfs are married, but don't identify as poly. Do their husbands know about your husband?
 
Just a bit of info... you probably already know it, but just thought I'd share anyway.

Generally, the risk of contracting HIV between two women is very low. The risk of HIV being passed on through oral sex is low, but it is increased if a woman has cuts or sores in her mouth, or if the partner receiving oral sex has sores on her genitals or is having her period. Oral sex is safer if you use a 'dental dam' (a square of latex or cling film) to stop any vaginal fluid or menstrual blood getting into your mouth. A condom cut open and spread flat can also be used for this
.
Sharing sex toys (for example vibrators) can be risky. Always clean them well and have one each. This is one area of sex where sharing is a bad idea!

Rough sex, or any sexual activity that can lead to bleeding or cuts/breaks in the lining of vagina or anus is risky, including 'fisting' or certain S&M (sadomasochism) activities.

My favorite activities with woman are dancing, undressing each other, taking photos of each other, having photos taken of us together, playing in the Jacuzzi together, kissing (mouth and breasts) and masturbating each other with our hands (and a dab or two of the new and improved KY).

As long as there are no physical signs of a herpes outbreak and no open cuts on your hands, this is absolutely the safest sex you can have, other than being tested, and waiting 6 months without having sex with anyone else. Then, if everything is clear, you can go for it and do anything you want!

I understand your caution about safe sex, but your husband is having sex with 3 other women and they are presumably having sex with their husbands. Who knows if their husbands are having sex with other women or not? The sex with the one woman that you really like is actually the safest sex you can have, if you follow the guidelines above.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top