Finding Partners

Oh, I see where I got confused. I was thinking/asking about finding partners both on, and offline, and I thought that comment was about real life interactions.

Yes, I know that it happens to pretty much anyone, especially online. I'm big on calling it out in person, if I'm able to, both for myself, and in the defense of others.

I don't really think about what people may say online. I hardly worry about what people may do in person. Since I can attract really aggressive people in person, it makes certain encounters scarier for me than if I didn't have those experiences. And yes I know that other people also have similar experiences.
 
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I think people are saying "happens to everyone!" both to commiserate and to help you differentiate between the stuff that is unavoidable and the stuff you can work on.

Creepy aggressive propositions? Sadly unavoidable, but it sounds like you cope with it fine. Realizing you have nothing in common with the majority of people out there? That's part of dating for everyone - young, old, gay, straight, mono, poly. And the fact that the vast majority of potential partners want nothing to do with non monogamy is something all poly folks have to deal with.

It seems like the bigger problem here is that when you DO find compatible people you're attracted to, they don't want the same kind of relationship you do.

Well I'm just pretty confused about their motivations. My perception is that they're trying to figure out the right things to say/do to get sex from me. This approach doesn't appeal to me, so I tend to end it as soon as I recognize it. Casual sex to me includes one night stands, bootycalls, fuck buddies, fwbs, etc. Some people do play along like they want everything you do, only to later reveal that the relationship was always casual to them.

Not everyone who wants to have sex quickly is necessarily just looking for something casual. Some people like to wait until an emotional bond is there before getting naked ... Others see physical intimacy as a huge part of what helps form those emotional bonds. I'm not saying you should sleep with anyone before you're ready! Just that wanting sex with you sooner rather than later doesn't mean they're only looking for a fuck buddy.

The other potential issue I see is that poly relationships come in a lot of different flavors. Some non primary relationships can look a lot like fwb or fuck buddies from the outside - the difference being the development of strong emotional ties and romantic bonds over time. So it's possible that you're dating people who just want a different type of relationship than you do. It's not "casual" to them, necessarily, it's just not as involved as you had hoped. I find that without the standard plan of dating --> monogamous commitment --> living together --> marriage, you can end up with a lot of confusion about what defines a relationship.

Are you looking for a nesting type partner (or partners) to share a home/have kids/grow old together? Are you looking for more of a solo poly style? It might help to clarify - both to yourself and to potential interests - what exactly you want from a relationship. What makes it stop feeling like casual sex - expressions of love, X amount of time together, to be consulted about major life decisions? Just some stuff to think about :)
 
Not everyone who wants to have sex quickly is necessarily just looking for something casual.
I know, and I don't see it as the same thing. I don't have a problem with people who have sex early as a way to bond, but I'm not wired that way. I can't connect emotionally with someone in that way. These are people who, in my opinion, are going about obtaining casual sex in a roundabout manner.

The other potential issue I see is that poly relationships come in a lot of different flavors. Some non primary relationships can look a lot like fwb or fuck buddies from the outside - the difference being the development of strong emotional ties and romantic bonds over time. So it's possible that you're dating people who just want a different type of relationship than you do. It's not "casual" to them, necessarily, it's just not as involved as you had hoped. I find that without the standard plan of dating --> monogamous commitment --> living together --> marriage, you can end up with a lot of confusion about what defines a relationship.

I guess that's one perspective that I hadn't considered. I don't know that it applies here. At the end of the day, a relationship based solely around sex is casual to me. I've had issues with partners who eventually wanted more entangled lives with me, and while I cared for them, I wasn't nearly as emotionally invested as they were.

I also don't understand hanging out, and doing things with people as being "more involved." I value my activities, and I'm interested in people who also have activities that they value. Actually I'm interested in finding people who are more well rounded, and I find the people I'm meeting to be a bit 2 dimensional.

Are you looking for a nesting type partner (or partners) to share a home/have kids/grow old together? Are you looking for more of a solo poly style? It might help to clarify - both to yourself and to potential interests - what exactly you want from a relationship.
At this point in my life, I am solo poly, and my profile expresses that. I may eventually want some of those things, but right now I just want to enjoy myself. I'm more interested in having fun, and accomplishing things with my life, but this seems to translate to sex, and only sex to other people. I think sex is awesome, but there's more to life. I'm not in a rush to have it.

What makes it stop feeling like casual sex - expressions of love, X amount of time together, to be consulted about major life decisions? Just some stuff to think about :)
I couldn't tell you why, but I don't think anything stops making it feel casual for me. Or I've yet to have that experience.
 
Thanks for all the help. I'll take the advice given, and hopefully it will help me attract the types of people I'm looking for.
 
How do we meet partners? I seriously don't know. I feel like the romantic relationships I have had, I just fell into. I have never dated someone online. My first wife I met out on a club. My husband I met through friends - we had been close friends for 4 years before we started dating. I met my ex sort of partner through my yoga center. I met my boyfriend on holiday - and he is monogamous, and we are long distance across 2900 miles and a couple of oceans.
 
I think that trying a few sites is key instead of focusing on one site. If you know anyone that is poly, they could possibly know other poly people who are looking. You need to network a little bit. Just focusing on one site is limiting your potential.
 
Agree with the advice to branch out onto more sites... To be honest I'm not sure you're going to find what you're looking for on traditional dating sites. Most people there are looking for either casual sex or more traditional dating - go out and do things, have sex, and see if it turns into a long term connection. I have not seen many people on dating sites who were genuinely looking to be friends and/or develop a deep emotional relationship before sex.

Maybe FetLife? Or someplace like it... Where it's more about social networking than dating... Where you can see if you connect with someone before discussing the romantic relationship option. Also poly meet ups, I think that's your best bet, really.
 
I disagree that what you're looking for is rare. There are lots of people who don't want to jump in bed right away and are willing to develop a relationship slowly.

I think what you need to do is be very clear and succinct in your profile about what you are seeking. For example, let people know very specifically that you're hoping to meet someone who has more going on their lives than just work or just exercise. Say it right out that you are not into gaming but you are a well-rounded individual who has many interests, and want to meet people who are willing to do different activities with you. You might want to PM Atlantis and ask her what she puts in her profile, because she is very activity-oriented and likes to meet people who want to do things with her.

You should also state up front that you are not interested in casual $ex (use a dollar sign because if you spell out sex on OKC, you will attract people who search for that) and that you want to meet people who are willing to invest in knowing you before any physical intimacy happens. Yes, you have to spell it out. You will still get messages from idiots who don't read your profile, but the ones who do read it will get the message loud and clear if it is explicitly stated.
 
I disagree that what you're looking for is rare. There are lots of people who don't want to jump in bed right away and are willing to develop a relationship slowly

I would argue that those folks are kinda rare on okc ;) but I do see what you're saying. I think I'm just not understanding what she wants from a relationship ... Or maybe how she defines one?

I also don't understand hanging out, and doing things with people as being "more involved." I value my activities, and I'm interested in people who also have activities that they value.

At this point in my life, I am solo poly, and my profile expresses that. I may eventually want some of those things, but right now I just want to enjoy myself. I'm more interested in having fun, and accomplishing things with my life, but this seems to translate to sex, and only sex to other people.

I couldn't tell you why, but I don't think anything stops making it feel casual for me. Or I've yet to have that experience.

I completely get not wanting a casual thing that's all about sex. But to me the things that make a relationship not all about sex are spending time together and/or factoring each other into long term life plans. And it seems like she's saying she's saying those are NOT what she needs...

This discussion has definitely made me think about what makes a relationship casual vs serious... Although I'm way more confused now :confused:... But that's probably a topic for a different thread :)
 
Thank you nycindie. That's extremely helpful to me. I just read a blog that echoed what you're saying in a sense, and explained things as clearly as you did.

Online dating is not something I'm used to. Some of those ideas elude me since you rarely meet people, and immediately dump everything you may want in a partner on them. I've probably been doing some things wrong. :)

To GirlFromTexas:
I'm not really sure if everyone had that same disconnect. I explained my experiences dating, in the hope of getting some tips on how to have different experiences.

I'm essentially seeking a friend, or maybe a dating partner, that could lead to a more serious relationship. Although serious, and entangled are pretty much mutually exclusive. I'm confused about what you find confusing, but I hope this answer clears some things up.

To echo something I recently read, I want to meet people, and enjoy them for them. I don't have a predetermined relationship slot for anyone, but I do know that I don't want a string of fuck buddies, or a series of one night stands. I find those experiences somewhat empty, and I cannot see them growing into anything more.

Basically I want to spend time with, and enjoy my potential partners' company, but without the expectation that at some point we need to merge our lives together in a more significant way.
 
ICanBeStunning,

Apologies if my replies just made things more frustrating :eek: I'm realizing that solo poly is not something I "get" so I can see how my advice didn't really make any sense to you. To me any relationship that I didn't expect to merge into my life in a significant way would by definition be casual - the merging is what makes it not casual to me.

(I actually started another thread about that, trying to understand the other ways a relationship could be significant and important.)

Anyway I'm glad you got some concrete advice here that helped you and I hope you get more :)
 
I'm essentially seeking a friend, or maybe a dating partner, that could lead to a more serious relationship. Although serious, and entangled are pretty much mutually exclusive.

To echo something I recently read, I want to meet people, and enjoy them for them. I don't have a predetermined relationship slot for anyone, but I do know that I don't want a string of fuck buddies, or a series of one night stands. I find those experiences somewhat empty, and I cannot see them growing into anything more.

Basically I want to spend time with, and enjoy my potential partners' company, but without the expectation that at some point we need to merge our lives together in a more significant way.

To me, this clearly states what you are looking for. Does your dating profile reflect this statement?
 
I just didn't understand what you were talking about, GFT. I was more confused than frustrated. I don't speak for all solo people, just for myself. I'm not sure if I'll want that for life, or just for now. I have an ideal [for] entangled partner in mind, but I'm not too anxious to find them. Right now I'm happy to just enjoy, and share parts of my life with awesome individuals.

I have never wanted children, and the idea of staying in one place indefinitely mortifies me. I'm not running into too many nomadic, poly friendly, adventure junkies. I want to dedicate my life to growth, and self-improvement, and I want to make a difference in the world, or maybe just the world around me.

Completely got lost at when does [casual sex] stop being casual? That's how I read that question. Since for me, a sex-centric relationship doesn't promote a strong emotional bond, it doesn't stop being casual. It alarms me when I get involved with people who start of with that arrangement, develop a desire to merge our lives, and then want to spend more outside time together. By that point, I'm probably satisfied with things as they are, and changing them makes zero sense to me. I don't think I have anything more to offer to that person, and while we can have some fun, and I care for them, I can't see myself enjoying other activities with them. I certainly can't see us moving in together. There's nothing, from my experiences so far, that can turn a sex partner, to any other kind of partner. Is that what you've been asking?

(This conversation definitely helped me put some things in perspective. I know that some people bond with sex first, but I never really thought about what that meant before before.)

No drgnfly it doesn't say all of that, but I'll put it in my profile.
 
Ok, as someone who regularly turns down round the world trips with my husband because travel gives me panic attacks, I soooo admire your energy and sense of adventure! (Actually, one of the true gifts poly has given me is the ability to say, "take your girlfriend!" when my husband wants to take a 14 hour flight somewhere ;) )

Completely got lost at when does [casual sex] stop being casual? That's how I read that question. Since for me, a sex-centric relationship doesn't promote a strong emotional bond, it doesn't stop being casual. It alarms me when I get involved with people who start of with that arrangement, develop a desire to merge our lives, and then want to spend more outside time together. By that point, I'm probably satisfied with things as they are, and changing them makes zero sense to me. I don't think I have anything more to offer to that person, and while we can have some fun, and I care for them, I can't see myself enjoying other activities with them. I certainly can't see us moving in together. There's nothing, from my experiences so far, that can turn a sex partner, to any other kind of partner. Is that what you've been asking?

Kind of... I was more asking what you would need BEFORE starting a physical relationship to keep it from ever feeling like casual sex. Like, is it a matter of how long you've known someone, how committed you feel, stuff like that.

But I will say that casual sex becoming "more" is how all of my relationships have started since opening my marriage. Different sexual appetites was the main reason we opened things up, and I found that in seeking FWBs I sometimes met AMAZING guys with whom i wanted to build relationships. Sometimes we'd hang out and have sex for a few months and get bored and move on. Sometimes in the course of hanging out and having sex we'd get to know each other well and care for each other deeply.

So yes, for some of us that can happen, but again I'm giving you info that's totally unhelpful :eek: since I would never suggest starting a fwb/fuck buddy thing if you aren't ok with that being all it ever is.
 
Thank you! I'm mostly an introvert, and I have social anxiety, but at my core I love going places, and trying new things. Lol, if you offer me a trip, I'll be ready like yesterday. I should just have a go bag for spontaneous trips. A 14hr flight sounds awesome right now, not for the flight experience, but because I look forward to seeing where I end up.

Well getting to know someone before getting physical with them is important to me if I want to develop a serious relationship with them. Dating, them is also important to me. No two relationships are exactly the same with me (I assume it's the same for everyone), so there's no set window of time that will make it OK for me to pursue the physical part. I just need to trust them, know them a bit, like, and become attracted to them first. (While I can find people physically attractive, I usually need to build up to sexual attraction. I find someone sexually attractive from a glance like once every other year.)

Eventually I want to know that the person sees me as important enough to them, and that's marked by respecting me as a person, showing an interest in the things that are important to me, valuing my time (no flakes), learning about my boundaries, etc. It's also important to me to be able to do the same things for that someone. It helps if they lead similar enough lives to mine, and we can integrate easily into each others lives, but that's not too important as long as they have some interests. I like to be happy for my partner when they have a passion, or accomplish something.

I hope that's clear enough.

My play partner, Kanga will always be a casual relationship for me. We've been together for two years. He's the kind of person I like on paper. Travels often, is an athlete, has a pretty adventurous job. He could be ideal for me, and he's poly friendly, but strongly monogamous. Outside of play time we rarely see, or talk to each other. I value that time, but I don't want anything more even though I like him as a person.

My ex, Carmen is the opposite of that. Less physically active, hobbies that I couldn't always relate to, (interesting job though). Carmen was monogamous at first, but got more comfortable dating others. That was a pretty serious relationship for me. I felt strongly for Carmen in a way that I just can't for Kanga. Both important to me, but in different ways. That relationship lasted a year, and a few months. Carmen and I did actually dated, and viewed relationship formation similarly.

I'm now thinking that part of my issue before is that if sex is the goal for a number of the people I date, when the promise of sex is imminent, they stop putting any effort, and things stagnate. It would have served us some time, if they'd say that, rather than pantomime my ideal partners.
 
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Eventually I want to know that the person sees me as important enough to them, and that's marked by respecting me as a person, showing an interest in the things that are important to me, valuing my time (no flakes), learning about my boundaries, etc. It's also important to me to be able to do the same things for that someone. It helps if they lead similar enough lives to mine, and we can integrate easily into each others lives, but that's not too important as long as they have some interests. I like to be happy for my partner when they have a passion, or accomplish something.

I'm laughing so hard because that was literally my EXACT criteria for finding FWB. Remember those okc numbers? Yeah. About 1 out of every 500 messages was someone who met that basic criteria. Of course that was skewed somewhat by my being married and getting so many messages from sleazy cheaters :cool: But still... It's just HARD to meet people.

I'm now thinking that with my issue before, since sex is the goal for a number of the people I date, when the promise of sex is imminent, they stop putting any effort, and things stagnate. It would have served us some time, if they'd say that, rather than pantomime my ideal partners.

Agree, and I don't know what the solution is. People will say and do a lot of things to get laid :rolleyes: I do know that I had better luck when I stopped trying - like, at all - to impress guys with how fun and cool and laid back I was. That got me lots of dates, but mostly with dudes who later got frustrated that I had any expectations beyond a booty call. I eventually started being very up front about what I wanted - and cutting things off at the first sign that things weren't working. No "trying to make it work" with someone who I wasn't really into, or with someone who wasn't treating me well. Ultimately I just had to accept that it might take a while to find the right partners, and what was important was not losing myself or becoming jaded in the process.
 
Oh I see. Yes that'd be important in an FWB, and I'd want some of those things too (respect, value my time, abide my boundaries). I make sure we're friends first before I can call it an FWB situation, and friendship takes time. I don't get how that's feasible from an online ad, though I know it works for some. If it's online, I settle for a fuck buddy, which I think is more attainable.
 
Honestly, what I detest about bootycalls is that they tend to go one way. There's like zero respect. To those people, I'd tell them to invest in a professional. I couldn't be interested in that much rudeness, and tactlessness. Your experiences may differ.
 
I would copy and paste what I put but then it is too easy to Google me.:D
I don't think people really read much in my profile and apparently every woman my age says they are active.
I list what I do and where or when I did it recently. You like to bike? Say what trails and how often.
I make it clear in the first meet that I want to go out and do activities. Prof still teases me about it.
I rarely get mail of any interest. I do best with the people I mail first. I mailed Prof first, Mr Dom, Joe maybe.
To me; profiles without pics=married and cheating.
Most guys I meet say they don't read profiles, just look at the pics, so my pics show me being all vanilla and doing the stuff that I say I enjoy.
I rarely get emails that mention sex. Every man I have dated post divorce says I present as the most vanilla person on the planet:D so they don't push for sex. The sex:activity ratio needs to acceptable.



Originally Posted by ICanBeStunning View Post

I'm essentially seeking a friend, or maybe a dating partner, that could lead to a more serious relationship. Although serious, and entangled are pretty much mutually exclusive.

To echo something I recently read, I want to meet people, and enjoy them for them. I don't have a predetermined relationship slot for anyone, but I do know that I don't want a string of fuck buddies, or a series of one night stands. I find those experiences somewhat empty, and I cannot see them growing into anything more.

Basically I want to spend time with, and enjoy my potential partners' company, but without the expectation that at some point we need to merge our lives together in a more significant way.


I pretty much agree with all of the above except this part "Although serious, and entangled are pretty much mutually exclusive." which I don't get what you mean.

I wish you luck. Netflix and chill. Ugh.

Edited: Is Netflix and Chill code for Sex? But boring sex?
 
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