First Day of Open Relationship question

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waterflower16

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Hi everyone,
please forgive me if this is stupid. Me (20s f) and my Partner (20s m), recently opened up our relationship, to explore sexually with other people. It was something we both wanted and decided on a set of rules. One of those was that we weren‘t going to be "actively“ looking for any "hookups“, but we wanted to keep the option open when we were going out. (so we basically decided against using dating apps)
Then came the day were we officially opened our relationship.

We were out on a date for drinks late in the evening and were planing to go out with some friends later on. Well the friends only joined us after I went home because it got really really late but I could tell my Partner really wanted to go out. Totally Ok with me. The next day he comes home in the morning and we talk about last night and he tells me that none of the friends actually wanted to go out and so he wen‘t to the city alone, a little bit drunk at 3am in the morning. None of us has ever gone out alone let alone at that time. He also met and kissed someone (again, totally fine this is our agreement after all).

Now for some reason, the fact he went out alone on the first day really seemed to bother me. We also talked about this and he apologized for making me feel bad which I didn‘t want because he did not do anything wrong. I really want to get to the bottom of why I am feeling this way and I have a few theories:

1) I‘m just influenced by some societal norms. In our country it is not seen as "normal“ for people to go out to bars and clubs alone, especially men who do this are seen as "strange“. Weirdly I don‘t think I would be bothered by it if he does it again in the future because it makes more sense than going out with his friends. So maybe it bothers me now because we did not discuss this specific scenario beforehand?

2) My ego is bruised because I realized he really "needs“ this more than me, because I would never go out of my way to find someone to hook up with and just see if it happens naturally.

3) The situation is kind of a grey zone in our set of rules, that we didn‘t discuss because this scenario was not even on our minds. Maybe I see it as him "actively“ seeking. Which we only defined as using dating apps.

4) All of the above.

5) I‘m just overreacting because of the newness of it all.

Please if anyone could give me some advice on how to deal with my feelings on this situation, I would really appreciate it. I do not want this to stand in the way of our open relationship or our relationship in general.

Thanks so much and sorry for rambling!

Edit:
Some extra Info: We‘ve been together since we were teens, so we don‘t really have much experience with other people, that's why we decided to open our relationship. We have a good sex life and relationship in general. We also live together. We have no interest on pursuing other people emotionally and since we live quite busy lives, we wouldn‘t really have the time to do that and we don‘t want to take away too much of our quality time together :)
 
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SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think the mistake is trying to control the context of the sex or relationships either of you have. If someone wants hook ups, let them have hook ups.

It's perfectly normal for adults to go out alone.
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Thanks for the quick reply! Yes and it‘s strange because I actually really enjoy doing things alone and he usually doesn‘t. So I think it‘s just the newness of everything that is making me anxious. Thanks again!
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Yes you have to acknowledge that you guys are different people. I wouldn't make any rule against dating apps or anything like that because it's very likely one or both of you will find you need to use them.

Why are you against hook ups/dating apps anyway?
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Hi we are not against hook ups, this is actually what we want. Sorry if this didn‘t come out in the text, english is not my first language.
We both decided against using dating apps, because we don‘t want to spend too much time on this. It might sound weird but we are fine with just hooking up with people we meet irl, and without dating apps it might not happen that often, but since we both have work/school, we don‘t really have time to really "meet“ other people anyway. Hope that makes sense.
 
waterflower16 said:
Hi we are not against hook ups, this is actually what we want. Sorry if this didn‘t come out in the text, english is not my first language.
We both decided against using dating apps, because we don‘t want to spend too much time on this. It might sound weird but we are fine with just hooking up with people we meet irl, and without dating apps it might not happen that often, but since we both have work/school, we don‘t really have time to really „meet“ other people anyway. Hope that makes sense.
Click to expand...
Not really. It sounds like you're trying way too hard to do things in exactly the same way and making some weird connections. The way not to spend too much time on dating apps is to just not use them for extended periods of the day.

It's best each adult manage their work/school/play schedule instead of trying to combine your responsibilities and desires. You don't have the same workload or skillset, even if you study the same thing or work at the same place in the same role. You're two separate people.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Not really. It sounds like you're trying way too hard to do things in exactly the same way and making some weird connections. The way not to spend too much time on dating apps is to just not use them for extended periods of the day.

It's best each adult manage their work/school/play schedule instead of trying to combine your responsibilities and desires. You don't have the same workload or skillset, even if you study the same thing or work at the same place in the same role. You're two separate people.
Click to expand...
We are both just not interested in using dating apps. We just want to keep the option open of hooking up with people we meet when we are out.
 
waterflower16 said:
We are both just not interested in using dating apps. We just want to keep the option open of hooking up with people we meet when we are out.
Click to expand...
It's a really weird conversation to have "let's have sex with other people but let's make it a rule that we don't meet them on dating apps"???

I think you guys made this so it doesn't feel like the other person is purposefully trying to fill a gap. More like they just bump into someone and fate (and alcohol) make one thing lead to another. It seems like one or both of you believes it will be easier to handle if it was spontaneous rather than thought out.

To me, it makes it more likely that you'll choose the wrong people or forego barriers that way. Less likely to find time to ask about STDs and other partners and generally screen the other person.

I'm not saying you guys HAVE to use dating apps. I'm saying that this rule is indicative of other things you haven't thought out and are likely to spring up on you very soon. I think you should get to a place where you're less concerned with how the other finds their partners
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
It's a really weird conversation to have "let's have sex with other people but let's make it a rule that we don't meet them on dating apps"???

I think you guys made this so it doesn't feel like the other person is purposefully trying to fill a gap. More like they just bump into someone and fate (and alcohol) make one thing lead to another. It seems like one or both of you believes it will be easier to handle if it was spontaneous rather than thought out.

To me, it makes it more likely that you'll choose the wrong people or forego barriers that way. Less likely to find time to ask about STDs and other partners and generally screen the other person.

I'm not saying you guys HAVE to use dating apps. I'm saying that this rule is indicative of other things you haven't thought out and are likely to spring up on you very soon. I think you should get to a place where you're less concerned with how the other finds their partners
Click to expand...
thanks for your insight! i will discuss this more in depth with my partner
 
Original Post, for reference, as the OP deleted their posts after engaging with Seasoned and the advice. All have been restored and thread has been locked instead.

Hi everyone

please forgive me if this is stupid. Me (20s f) and my Partner (20s m), recently opened up our relationship, to explore sexually with other people. It was something we both wanted and decided on a set of rules. One of those was that we weren‘t going to be "actively“ looking for any "hookups“, but we wanted to keep the option open when we were going out. (so we basically decided against using dating apps)
Then came the day were we officially opened our relationship.

We were out on a date for drinks late in the evening and were planing to go out with some friends later on. Well the friends only joined us after I went home because it got really really late but I could tell my Partner really wanted to go out. Totally Ok with me. The next day he comes home in the morning and we talk about last night and he tells me that none of the friends actually wanted to go out and so he wen‘t to the city alone, a little bit drunk at 3am in the morning. None of us has ever gone out alone let alone at that time. He also met and kissed someone (again, totally fine this is our agreement after all).

Now for some reason, the fact he went out alone on the first day really seemed to bother me. We also talked about this and he apologized for making me feel bad which I didn‘t want because he did not do anything wrong. I really want to get to the bottom of why I am feeling this way and I have a few theories:

1) I‘m just influenced by some societal norms. In our country it is not seen as "normal“ for people to go out to bars and clubs alone, especially men who do this are seen as "strange“. Weirdly I don‘t think I would be bothered by it if he does it again in the future because it makes more sense than going out with his friends. So maybe it bothers me now because we did not discuss this specific scenario beforehand?

2) My ego is bruised because I realized he really "needs“ this more than me, because I would never go out of my way to find someone to hook up with and just see if it happens naturally.

3) The situation is kind of a grey zone in our set of rules, that we didn‘t discuss because this scenario was not even on our minds. Maybe I see it as him "actively“ seeking. Which we only defined as using dating apps.

4) All of the above.

5) I‘m just overreacting because of the newness of it all.

Please if anyone could give me some advice on how to deal with my feelings on this situation, I would really appreciate it. I do not want this to stand in the way of our open relationship or our relationship in general.

Thanks so much and sorry for rambling!
Edit:
Some extra Info: We‘ve been together since we were teens, so we don‘t really have much experience with other people, that's why we decided to open our relationship. We have a good sex life and relationship in general. We also live together. We have no interest on pursuing other people emotionally and since we live quite busy lives, we wouldn‘t really have the time to do that and we don‘t want to take away too much of our quality time together :)
Click to expand...
 
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