First experience a bust, added fuel to fire of doubt

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Sparky

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Wife recently came out as poly to me. I love her so I wanted to try and accept it, try and figure out some boundaries that would allow me to be comfortable with it. She tried having a relationship with another guy and it lasted only a couple days before he decided he wasn't ok with a poly relationship. She also started one with a female who decided she wanted to try and make it a triad with both of us. My wife seemed fine with this idea, but after I texted for a few hours with the girlfriend to get to know her, my wife got really jealous and said she had hoped to build a relationship with the girlfriend first over a few months and then maybe bring me in. This relationship has since stopped due to the girlfriend realizing she wasn't comfortable with being in a poly relationship because she wouldn't want her family to know.
Now I'm not sure what to do, because my wife said she's more comfortable with us having seperate relationships and doing everything seperate. I would only feel comfortable with having relationships that include my wife. To me, anything I chose to do with another partner would be me chosing to do so with them rather than her, I feel the same way about her having other relationships, anything she does with them, she's chosing them instead of me, making them better/more important than me.
Has anyone else struggled with these thoughts? Anyone out there that thinks along the same lines as my wife who thinks they can explain it better to me so I might understand her point of view?
 
Sparky said:
Wife recently came out as poly to me. I love her so I wanted to try and accept it, try and figure out some boundaries that would allow me to be comfortable with it. She tried having a relationship with another guy and it lasted only a couple days before he decided he wasn't ok with a poly relationship. She also started one with a female who decided she wanted to try and make it a triad with both of us. My wife seemed fine with this idea, but after I texted for a few hours with the girlfriend to get to know her, my wife got really jealous and said she had hoped to build a relationship with the girlfriend first over a few months and then maybe bring me in. This relationship has since stopped due to the girlfriend realizing she wasn't comfortable with being in a poly relationship because she wouldn't want her family to know.
Now I'm not sure what to do, because my wife said she's more comfortable with us having seperate relationships and doing everything seperate. I would only feel comfortable with having relationships that include my wife. To me, anything I chose to do with another partner would be me chosing to do so with them rather than her, I feel the same way about her having other relationships, anything she does with them, she's chosing them instead of me, making them better/more important than me.
Has anyone else struggled with these thoughts? Anyone out there that thinks along the same lines as my wife who thinks they can explain it better to me so I might understand her point of view?
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All of us have dealt with those thoughts.

First, my thoughts. It sounds like you are dipping into the poly world by trying to convert mono's. Thats a tough sell unless it happens naturally. I tend to avoid the mono world for relationships. Just my opinion, but I figured I would throw it out there.

Most of us at some point worry about the replacement value of our relationship. You need to find strength in your own relationship to feel stable in that relationship. So when you are dating, neither of you has to worry. There is always risk.. but thats just what relationships are. One big gamble from front to back.

I will say this.. dating as a couple (aka 2 people searching for more) instead of two individuals searching for more, is tough. Not everyone will get along with everyone, and not everyone your partner will meet will want to be involved with you (even as friends). Some poly groups are completely separated, others a completely combined in a family.

Number one rule in poly, be open and be aware of your needs. And don't expect those needs to be fulfilled, especially if you don't communicate them appropriately.

Enjoy the ride :)
 
Thank you for the reply. You're probably right about trying to have poly with monos being a hard sell, but where we live, I can't find any kind of poly anything so it seems the only choice is to try an introduce the idea to monos.
I'm not nearly as worried about being replaced as much as I used to be and she didn't seem to be until the other night. For me it's mearly a matter of math and physics. Time is a finite resource and you can't be in more than one place at a time. Therefore if her or I choose to do something with someone else, we are choosing that other person over each other.
I think the main issue boils down to, she desires other partners, whereas I simply desire not to be lonely when she's ignoring me for those other partners.
 
Sparky said:
I would only feel comfortable with having relationships that include my wife.
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This resonated with me, as I feel the same way. Yes, I could find love separate from my wife, I don't want to.

But I hear what Ariakas is saying. It's probably a tougher road trying to date as a couple.
 
I assume I could find love seperately, it would just take me a much longer time. I'm definitely the reacher in the relationship and she's the settler. I also have the boat anchor of being someone who's only had 1 sexual partner in my entire life, obviously my wife, whom I married when I was only 20. While it would definitely be harder to date as a couple logistically, it would make it feel much less like I'm doing something wrong.
 
Sparky said:
While it would definitely be harder to date as a couple logistically, it would make it feel much less like I'm doing something wrong.
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I think you need to unpack this. As long as you're acting honestly and respectfully with all parties involved, what would you be doing "wrong?"

From my point of view, I don't want to date with my wife because of a fear that I'm somehow acting badly, or cheating, but because I share everything with her, so sharing more love with her just feels natural.
 
I agree, it would feel much more natural with my wife and pretty much everything I do is better if she's involved. As far as what I mean by doing something "wrong", anything I would be doing with someone seperate would be taking away from doing the same with my wife. If I go on a date, why not with my wife, if I'm just spending time with someone else, why not just spend that time with my wife, if I have sex with someone else, why wouldn't I just have sex with my wife. Those are all the thoughts that go through my head about her wanting seperate relationships and I feel the same way if it were me having the seperate relationship.
 
To me, yes. By making a choice between the two, I would be saying that the one I chose was more important, that's why I chose it.
 
I feel the same way Sparky. I have no desire to date other people, because I'd rather spend my time with my hubby. We have on occasion shared his girlfriends, which I do for him/with him. For the most part, he tries to see his gf when I am not available or am sleeping. However, on the occasions he spends time with her when I'm free, it is difficult not to feel badly that he's "chosen her over me." What helps me during those times is to remind myself of his perspective. He's not choosing one or the other, he's choosing both of us. He has different needs and capacities than I do. If it were up to me, I'd love to be with him 24/7. He doesn't feel that way, but it's not because he doesn't love me or value our relationship, he's just wired differently.
 
An apple tastes different from an orange.

An orange offers certain health benefits that an apple does not.

At any *one* moment, you can eat an apple, OR you can eat an orange. Or you can cut 'em up and make fruit salad and eat both.

If you choose the orange, you are not saying oranges are more important than apples. You are saying that *at that moment* you want the orange. At another moment, you might want the apple.

I understand your feelings on the subject, Sparky, and I am not intending to invalidate them. I am trying to explain from the poly perspective why one is not more important than the other. I might not be succeeding, but I'm trying.

When I'm with Hubby, I'm with the man with whom I've built a complete life, with all its bumps and screw-ups and good times and bad. I'm with the man who would give Mr. Spock a run for his money in the logical/nonemotional department, which is a benefit to me because (as anyone who's read my blog here can attest) I tend toward the overly emotional. I'm with the man who enjoys aggression in bed, who is my occasional Dom, but who can flip a switch and be so gentle and tender it makes me cry.

When I'm with Guy, I'm with the man who loves me so deeply he's willing to commit to me that he will not have any other relationship beyond sexual despite being able to see me once or twice a year if we're lucky. I'm with the man who understands from his own experience how emotions and mental illness can sometimes take control and screw with one's perceptions, and who, from that perspective, can validate and understand how I feel while at the same time guiding me to see why my perception is off, and help me get over feeling that way. I'm with the man who is a total giver in bed, who could be dominant if he chose but generally chooses not to because he's still learning my limits and doesn't want to physically or mentally hurt me, who is a total cuddlebug and doesn't actually care if we have sex or not as long as he gets to be close to me.

Neither is more important to me than the other as far as my love. Neither is "better" for me or gives me "more" than the other.

They are different. Neither is more or less. They are just different.
 
Even mono couples don't choose to be together 24/7. Sometimes they choose to be with friends instead of their spouse; sometimes they choose to indulge in a hobby instead of hanging with their spouse; sometimes they choose to go to the grocery store alone, etc.
 
We've been fortunate in finding a woman who's interested in dating both of us. it started as her interested in him, and then as we got to know each other... feelings are developing between her and I.

But as far as she's concerned... we're not in a "relationship" ... yet. Mostly because she can't see how things will work in the long term... I tell her to just enjoy the now. There's always ways to make the future work, but there's no guarantee of the future.

Go slow. Work through emotions and boundaries. Put a boundary in place then allow yourself to test the waters to see how it would feel if you moved that boundary.

But take time, every day, to sit with yourself, meditate, breathe, centre yourself. Listen to your feelings and what's going on for you. Ask for direction. It will come. You just have to trust what it tells you.
 
LovelyLady: It's nice to see I'm not the only one that feels this way.

KC43: It makes sense that different people are going to offer you different things. Like you said though, at whatever moment, you are making a choice that you want one more than the other.

Bookbug: I don't expect my wife to spend 24/7 with me. I don't have any friends but I like that she does and it makes her happy to hang out with them. My wife's not going to replace me with or place more importance on a hobby or friends. If there were something that I wanted to do, I would ask her if she wanted to join me and then if she didn't, I'd do it on my own, I'd never choose to do something without her because I want to do it alone though.
 
Sparky said:
I think the main issue boils down to, she desires other partners, whereas I simply desire not to be lonely when she's ignoring me for those other partners.
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Maybe you need to find a hobby that brings you together with friends. :).. You sound like you know what you need.. don't worry about trying to poly.. just find some way to occupy that time.

I love my alone time.. treasure it in fact.. but then again I have always been good at being by myself.
 
I was great at being by myself when I came back from overseas. Problem was, it was because I completely shut down emotionally and it almost cost me my marraige. I can deal with being alone if she's got something to do or hanging out with friends, but when I know she's out trying to meet other people or actually out with someone else, I get lonely and wish I had someone, even if it was just someone to talk to or text, etc.
 
Sparky, yes... You are making a choice at *that* moment that you'd rather have an apple than an orange... But that doesn't mean that apples are more important than oranges.

If I read you correctly, you feel that if your wife chooses to spend time with someone who isn't you, or seeks someone to spend time with, or even chooses to spend time alone, that means she doesn't value you or consider you as important? I ask this in part because you say you would *never* choose to do something alone, you would always first ask her if she wanted to do it with you, and seem to believe she should do the same.

For some people, that works, but for many, it's considered healthy to do things alone, without one's partner. It's *okay* to make that choice. It doesn't mean being alone is more important than being with your partner; it just means right then, you prefer being alone.

You appear to have a monoamorous mindset, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your wife appears to have a polyamorous mindset, and there is nothing wrong with that. The difficulty I see from your posts is that you and she are struggling to understand and accept each other's mindset when it's vastly different from your own.
 
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KC43: You are correct about our mindsets being different and having trouble understanding each other. I have trouble understanding how she can need other people but still claim to love me and be satisfied with me and want to stay with me. She has trouble understanding why I don't want to do the same thing, and sees it as me not trusting her and thinking badly of her. I definitely don't think negatively of her, I just know my choices are either deal with it so she can be happy and stay married but be miserable when I'm lonely, tell her I don't accept it and either she's miserable or she does it behind my back, or we divorce and I would do anything to keep that from happening. All I know for sure is that I want her to be happy, I want to be with her (any amount of time is better than no time at all), and I'm willing to do as much learning as I can and work on my issues to make this work.
 
Do you consider her desire to have *friends* to mean that she isn't satisfied with you or that she doesn't love you?

For some--maybe most--who are polyamorous, friendship is a good analogy. I have more than one friend. None take away from me loving or wanting to be around my husband.

Nor does Guy, even though I also love him. It isn't because Hubby isn't enough for me, or because I'm not satisfied with him. It's because Guy has facets to his personality that Hubby does not have.

No one person can meet ALL the needs of anyone else. It just doesn't work that way. In monogamy, one compromises by letting go of some of their needs because their partner can't meet those specific needs. For example, sometimes when I have a problem, I simply need to be held and reassured. Hubby is not able to meet that need, because when he hears a problem he gets mentally stuck in trying to solve it, and becomes frustrated or even angry if he can't, so he isn't able to reassure me.

I'm not monogamous. I don't have to let go of my need to be held and reassured. I simply go to Guy for that, because that is a need *he* can meet. On the other hand, when I need to *solve* a problem, I go to Hubby; he can find solutions, while Guy can't.

Neither is more important. I'm satisfied with and in love with both of them. They just are different, and meet different needs of mine.

Human beings generally tend to be social animals, and we want to have connections with more than one other human being. Sometimes those connections are familial; sometimes friendship; sometimes sexual; sometimes more. That doesn't mean that we aren't satisfied with each individual in our lives. It just means we want to have more than one other person in our lives.
 
This stood out to me from your post...

"I just know my choices are either deal with it so she can be happy and stay married but be miserable when I'm lonely, tell her I don't accept it and either she's miserable or she does it behind my back, or we divorce and I would do anything to keep that from happening."

You can choose to "deal with it" and sacrifice your happiness for hers.

You can choose to tell her you don't accept it, thereby asking her to sacrifice her happiness for yours (even if that wasn't your intent, that would be the result)... or she would become dishonest to have what she wants while appearing to give you what you want.

You can divorce.

OR... you can tell her you are struggling. Tell her you want her to be happy, but you want to be happy too. NEGOTIATE with her about ways that she can help you to understand and become more comfortable, and ways that you can keep the connection between you.

You can COMMUNICATE with her. Because posting questions and speculations on an anonymous message board isn't going to solve concerns in your marriage. It might point you in the right direction, but you and your wife are the only ones who truly know what you need and what will or won't work.

Communication and honesty is the only way something like this *can* work.
 
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