First Post: Open relationship navigating

[someaccount]

Hi,
I'm a Junior in college on the east coast, I'm male, and I've been with my boyfriend for one and a half years today. He graduated last year, and has been across the country in grad school. He and I have a very healthy and strong relationship, he's the first guy I've dated for this long. I get to see him every few months, over breaks and some long weekends. We intend to ride out the next year of long distance, which surprisingly hasn't been very difficult, and live together post graduation. Prior to his leaving the east coast we agreed to start navigating an open relationship. I had never considered it, and he had had it on his mind for a while. I was confident that I could figure out a way to get into it, since the idea of having alternative sexual partners seemed intriguing, as I had recently started to develop some confidence with respect to my sexuality. I had begun attracting men that I never would have though I would when I was at the end of my teens. That said my boyfriend has had many many many more sexual partners than me, and talks about his sexuality with a confidence that I have never had myself. While I find it attractive, its also really difficult to have to work within openness with a libido like his, and with my own that seems temperamental and easily destroyed by stress. I have been forming a gym habit, and feel more confident that I ever have.

Now the stuff that has been giving me trouble. We agreed to openness in the form that we would both be able to hook up, but would continue to be respectful of the other person's schedules, current emotional state, and we drift in and out of including each other in our hookups in terms of detail and sharing photos videos etc. All of these options are exhausting for one reason or another.
My fundamental issue is this:
My blood boils when I find out about him hooking up. I become depressed, and I end up feeling horrible about myself, my indecision, my body, and my ability to attract men. Even if the men he sleeps with are people I don't find attractive, and even if I'm getting sizable attention from people on grindr or at my school, I still fall into a day long pit of anxiety, depression and self loathing that rebounds for as long as I continue to think about the events. I don't know what to do about this. Im trying hard to be introspective, to try and find ways to be okay with our openness, but I get hurt so badly when I have to encounter it outside of the theoretical. So i guess I want to hear if any of y'all have any similar experiences, who you are, your stories, Im brand new to the forum. I joined because I'm looking for ways to move forward and make progress while I struggle to resolve these conflicts. I'm starting therapy soon which has been a long time coming. I'm hoping that and maybe this outlet could be a way for me to get some perspective outside my relationship.

Thanks for reading all that If you have. I'm looking forward to some responses. I'm happy to elaborate on anything, the process of writing this has already felt a little cathartic.

 

[GalaGirl]

We agreed to openness in the form that we would both be able to hook up, but would continue to be respectful of the other person's schedules, current emotional state, and we drift in and out of including each other in our hookups in terms of detail and sharing photos videos etc. All of these options are exhausting for one reason or another.

This is HOW you agreed to "do" Open.

If you now find this manner exhausting for you? And later leads to you feeling

My blood boils when I find out about him hooking up. I become depressed, and I end up feeling horrible about myself, my indecision, my body, and my ability to attract men. Even if the men he sleeps with are people I don't find attractive, and even if I'm getting sizable attention from people on grindr or at my school, I still fall into a day long pit of anxiety, depression and self loathing that rebounds for as long as I continue to think about the events

I wonder if maybe you and BF need to have a talk about HOW you are doing Open and what can be tweaked in the agreements.

You seem to want to do an Open relationship, but the "information flow" is not how you want it. I could be wrong, but you sound overwhelmed by it.

Maybe you don't need to be making/sharing sex pix/videos. Maybe that's just TOO much details like a big WHOOSH. ( I assume the photo/video people are all consenting adults who know this is being made and then shared with you.)

Maybe it's enough to hear "I met a new person and we hooked up" and leave it there.

If you want the information more like "summary" rather than "play-by-play as it happens" that's something to consider too. You could have the conversation before you have a visit together like "I need to make you aware that there have been X hook-ups since your last visit." NOT be telling you these things during finals week if you need to have good focus on your studies. Could give examples of WHAT to say and WHAT NOT to say. Examples of WHEN to say, and WHEN NOT to say.

If this was water pouring out of the faucet, videos might be TOO much water coming out in one go. And play-by-play might be getting too much frequency -- like watering daily or something. When "summary" might be what you prefer at this time. Still honest, but watering only once a month or whatever it is.

I'm sorry I cannot think of a better analogy.... but do think about how much "info flow" is reasonable for you at this time and what is "news" and what is just "too much data."

I could be wrong but to me you sound like you are drowning with too much information from him. Which then triggers some stuff inside you about your own attractiveness and your own libido. Therapy could help you do the personal work.

But if your LDR partner is "whooshing" data at you a lot you may have to ask him directly to dial that down some.

It's ok to be honest and share stuff, but HOW he's sharing it might be a bit much perhaps.

Galagirl

 

[someaccount]

Hey @galagirl.

The summary does the same thing to me that a lot of details do. The last time I let him do something with someone I didn't ask for details. In fact i remember the times we shared details for the other persons excitement, that was the only easily stomachable thing possible. Knowing he's with someone else is what sets my lizard brain off, and It's an emotional train I cannot overcome. So i have to take damage every time he want so sleep with people, and while I know I would be seeking partners If i didn't have him, I often have trouble getting myself to open apps like grindr. And while I am able to be genuinely excited about talking with these guys when I am in that headspace, it usually doesn't last long, and my lack of libido has been unbelievable anxiety inducing. He will make space for me to feel these things, but the difficulty of this all is compounded by the fact that he get anxious too about me being sad, and often times I feel put under even more pressure to become "fixed" before we get heated at eachother, and while I dont lie about being "okay" Its all too much at times. I worry about long term effects of anxiety, heart health all of that. I like to think that I have a strong mind, strong enough to put up the most comprehensive fight against things in my life that arent how I want them, Im not about to give up, but its hard to try to make something work that hits so hard. I dont think its about the level of disclosure, part of me feel like its just feeling remorse for that fact that he has the desire to sleep with other people.

I should also say that 3 time in our relationship he has slept with people without telling me, and my bf has tentatively opened up about sex addiction, as a way of explaining his impulsivity. While this may be tru, or untrue, its also on my mind. Theres so many facets I just cant wrap my head around all of them at once, and ultimately, curing my bad feelings surrounding openness is up to me. I am doing something that I think I could enjoy a lot, for the sake of our relationship, and because he has expressed openness as a "need" of his.

Thanks for the quick reply

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more details.

I mean all this kindly, ok? I can imagine you are having a rough time right now. I'm very sorry for that.

SHORT VERSION

FWIW? I think you could find your therapist and then evaluate if this is a relationship is HEALTHY, and if this is a relationship you want to keep participating in. Or if it is is best to break up so you can stop suffering.

LONG VERSION

The summary does the same thing to me that a lot of details do.

Well... if it is still stressful either way, at least "summary style" reduces the frequency so the stress is more spread out. You have spaces in between to try to calm. That might be worth considering while you try to line up a therapist so you have extra support. I encourage you to get one.

I should also say that 3 time in our relationship he has slept with people without telling me

Was that cheating on your current agreements? I cannot tell from how you worded it. If so, it adds ANOTHER problem to the stack.

and my bf has tentatively opened up about sex addiction, as a way of explaining his impulsivity.

What's his plan to address it? IS there a plan?

It is possible that you might enjoy being in an open/poly thing. Just with a partner (or partners) who is more stable and less impulsive. You could participate in an Open/poly relationship that doesn't also have to deal with sex addiction/possible cheating.

Because it isn't like open/poly agreements are magically "cheater proof." One could cheat on those too.

Knowing he's with someone else is what sets my lizard brain off, and It's an emotional train I cannot overcome. So i have to take damage every time he want to sleep with people....

Why do you choose to take damage?

Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. If things are too much? If you are often taking on damage? You could choose to stop participating in this relationship. Are you able to say "I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do things that hurt me?"

An open/poly model (esp if you never tried that before) comes with growing pains which can be uncomfortable. But you don't sound like "growing pains" kind of uncomfortable. You are talking about taking damage.

If participating in this LDR relationship is hurting you to this degree... why keep doing it? What do you hope to achieve? Emotional numbness so you can continue in it?

He will make space for me to feel these things, but the difficulty of this all is compounded by the fact that he get anxious too about me being sad, and often times I feel put under even more pressure to become "fixed" before we get heated at each other, and while I don't lie about being "okay" It's all too much at times.

I think his anxiety could be his emotional management and for him to solve. You have enough to deal with without doing his processing for him.

If your OWN load to process is too much at times, that could be telling you something.

I worry about long term effects of anxiety, heart health all of that.

Your long term health is important. Glad to hear you are thinking about it. At the same time... if you ARE thinking about it? It sounds like you know this is not a healthy thing you are in if you are taking on damage and wondering exactly how much damage you can take.

Relationships don't have to damaging like they suck you dry. They can be life enhancing instead.

I like to think that I have a strong mind, strong enough to put up the most comprehensive fight against things in my life that arent how I want them, Im not about to give up, but its hard to try to make something work that hits so hard.

Why "put up a fight" in order to suffer so much and "take on damage?" Where's the self-care or joy in that behavior?

Could letting it go and NOT participating any more be a healthier choice?

What do you value more? Keeping the relationship going no matter what? Or the health and well being of the individuals?

He is anxious and not all that happy sounding.

You are def not happy sounding.

Why keep going this way? Rather than part amicably, heal, and then you each pursue relationships later on with other people who are more compatible and local?

You mentioned being in college... that you started dating him as a college freshman and are now a college junior. And that this 1.5 year relationship is the longest relationship you've ever had. I could understand not wanting to let a special thing go or seeing it end.

At the same time... Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Endings are a part of life. Learning to do them well is a valuable skill.

With the LDR, and the open relationship problems, and his sex addiction, and your weighty thoughts about your libido and attractiveness... and all this anxiety and sadness... It's a lot.

I strongly suggest you talk to your therapist about this stuff. And evaluate if this relationship has run its course or if it's still worthwhile to pursue.

I'm not saying that to be mean.

But it IS something you have to think about. It's already changed with the LDR, and changing again with the open... and then the rest piled on top.

Maybe it's just too many changes.

ultimately, curing my bad feelings surrounding openness is up to me. I am doing something that I think I could enjoy a lot, for the sake of our relationship, and because he has expressed openness as a "need" of his.

Why do you have to "cure" your feelings? To me? Feelings ensue after thinking behavior or action behavior. If I felt yucky, I would figure out what thinking behavior and/or action behavior is causing the yucky feelings. Then I would work on changing the behavior so NEW feelings could ensue.

If I feel yucky because I'm trying to be too close to a person who dings me a lot? I have to ask them to stop dinging me and/or put some distance between us in order for me to feel better.

You seem to talk about "fixing your feelings" like if you could only not feel X, all would be ok.

To me? That's like the smoke alarm going off. And rather than putting out the fire or leaving the house because the fire has gotten too big? You look for a hammer to disable the alarm beeping so you don't have to listen to the noise. Is that happening here?

Def talk to your therapist about these things.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello someaccount,

It sounds like you may be experiencing some jealousy regarding your boyfriend's various hookups. You want to be okay with it, but you're not okay with it. His hookups cause you to lose your confidence, and sink into a deep well of sadness and depression. You need to get out more, and have some fun with some other guys. But, your sadness and depression are making you lose your interest in getting out and having fun. So, it is a vicious circle.

I wonder if maybe there is a compromise that could be reached, such as, maybe your boyfriend could do fewer hookups. Then you would have more time and opportunity to work through your jealous feelings, and come out clean on the other side. Right now it seems like, by the time you get past the idea of him having one hookup, he is already out there having another hookup. Does that make sense?

I can't know what it's like in your shoes, but I can see that you are going through a painful ordeal. It is hard when the one you love is out there seeing somebody else. I'm sorry you are going through that. I hope the posts here will help you some.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[someaccount]

I dont know how to do the quoting thing yet but Im gonna try it here.

Thank you for more details.

LONG VERSION

Well... if it is still stressful either way, at least "summary style" reduces the frequency so the stress is more spread out. You have spaces in between to try to calm. That might be worth considering while you try to line up a therapist so you have extra support. I encourage you to get one.

I agree that more time to breathe is ideal, but he already doesnt get to hook up very much. Its pretty infrequent that he does. I know he want to be doing things even more.

Was that cheating on your current agreements? I cannot tell from how you worded it. If so, it adds ANOTHER problem to the stack.

Ya he did technically cheat on our agreements. we talked that through. I should stick up for him a bit here. He is a caring person who tries hard. Hes one of the smartest people ive met, which is another thing that can make standing up for myself hard. He can talk circles around me. Im not a pushover, but its definitely not easy to pin him down in an argument.


What's his plan to address it? IS there a plan?

Hes going to find therapy too. I should say here too that he has said that he is capable of going back to monagamy, that he'd try anything really. He and I have the best friendship, we end up coming back really strong after we struggle through these emotions. He is someone that I want to fight for, and the things that I get out of our relationship still do outweigh the stuff I have to go through with openness.

It is possible that you might enjoy being in an open/poly thing. Just with a partner (or partners) who is more stable and less impulsive. You could participate in an Open/poly relationship that doesn't also have to deal with sex addiction/possible cheating.

I'm definitely not interested in exploring polyamory in terms of falling in love with other people. whether or not love is a finite resource, I understand that energy and intention is. And both of us are on the same page there, we are obsessed with eachother, and i dont think either of our sights will drift that way.

Because it isn't like open/poly agreements are magically "cheater proof." One could cheat on those too.

right. for sure

Why do you choose to take damage?

I choose to take damage because he is someone that I adore, you all just have to trust that he is an excellent/ near perfect guy for me. He also has expressed the "need" to have sex with other people, because I don't want one sexual partner forever either. I think "promescuity" is really fun. My emotions dont correspond to how i think about this but Im genuinely attracted the the model that Im struggling within.

Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. If things are too much? If you are often taking on damage? You could choose to stop participating in this relationship. Are you able to say "I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do things that hurt me?"

Im strong enough to endure for the time being. I recognize that this is not s sustainable condition, but I will reitterate that I have energy and patience to give still. That why i'm here, Im not about to give up. Especially when I know there isnt a fundamental incompatablity working here. I have faith that I can find a way to feel casually as he does.

Something I really need to ask. How does it feel to love someone, and have an easy time looking at other people, and having sex. How do you think you feel casually about it all. I would love to hear some stories or explanations for how you think about things ethically, and if you can try, how it works in your heads, a little phenomenology lesson

An open/poly model (esp if you never tried that before) comes with growing pains which can be uncomfortable. But you don't sound like "growing pains" kind of uncomfortable. You are talking about taking damage.

what do you mean by growing pains? I dont have a way of distinguishing between types of pain. This is definitely pain that is coming as an adjustment, or at least I want to make my pain fit that description, because that means that they are leading me to a place where I wont feel them any more. sometimes I feel like I am making emotional progress, but other times I think Im not making any progress.

If participating in this LDR relationship is hurting you to this degree... why keep doing it? What do you hope to achieve? Emotional numbness so you can continue in it?

I got into this above. Its worth it. Im brave enough, and the pro/con weighing makes me think that I can still figure out a way to feel differently. I should also say that before the relationship implodes, he will try monogamy again. He would be monogamous with me, but I dont think I necesarrily need that either. And I would hate to bring us back to monogamy and still want to sleep with other men. My boyfriend has also voiced concerns that he would be afraid of cheating if we went back to monogamy. Kinda a fucked thing to say, almost admitting that hes a sex addict, or just unwilling to not take what he wants. He was raised in an affluent family, and I definitely connect some of his tendencies to being a bit of a brat. Not much I can do about that though ahaha.


I think his anxiety could be his emotional management and for him to solve. You have enough to deal with without doing his processing for him.

I agree. I need more room to breathe. It is a bit too much with school right now.

If your OWN load to process is too much at times, that could be telling you something.



Your long term health is important. Glad to hear you are thinking about it. At the same time... if you ARE thinking about it? It sounds like you know this is not a healthy thing you are in if you are taking on damage and wondering exactly how much damage you can take.

Relationships don't have to damaging like they suck you dry. They can be life enhancing instead.

Mine is life enhancing. In my limited experience I would argue that relationships need some level of sacrifice, especially when you feel strong enough to take on a battle like the one im waging. I honestly think thats what love comes down to.

Why "put up a fight" in order to suffer so much and "take on damage?" Where's the self-care or joy in that behavior?

I am a pretty happy person. Sure I sound whipped right now, but I think my behavior is not a reflection of the lack of respect I have for myself, but of my will and bravery. Im proud of the fact that I am tackling this. In fact it makes me feel powerful to an extent.

Could letting it go and NOT participating any more be a healthier choice?

What do you value more? Keeping the relationship going no matter what? Or the health and well being of the individuals?

He is anxious and not all that happy sounding.

You are def not happy sounding.

Why keep going this way? Rather than part amicably, heal, and then you each pursue relationships later on with other people who are more compatible and local?

You mentioned being in college... that you started dating him as a college freshman and are now a college junior. And that this 1.5 year relationship is the longest relationship you've ever had. I could understand not wanting to let a special thing go or seeing it end.

We started dating my sophomore year ya.

At the same time... Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Endings are a part of life. Learning to do them well is a valuable skill.

With the LDR, and the open relationship problems, and his sex addiction, and your weighty thoughts about your libido and attractiveness... and all this anxiety and sadness... It's a lot.

Ya. It is for sure. a lot

I strongly suggest you talk to your therapist about this stuff. And evaluate if this relationship has run its course or if it's still worthwhile to pursue.

I get to talk to him tuesday.

I'm not saying that to be mean.

Not at all! I really appreciate this convo. It feels therapeutic.

But it IS something you have to think about. It's already changed with the LDR, and changing again with the open... and then the rest piled on top.

Maybe it's just too many changes.

Why do you have to "cure" your feelings? To me? Feelings ensue after thinking behavior or action behavior. If I felt yucky, I would figure out what thinking behavior and/or action behavior is causing the yucky feelings. Then I would work on changing the behavior so NEW feelings could ensue.

Ya this is getting closer to the way i can start thinking. It's not clicking yet though.

If I feel yucky because I'm trying to be too close to a person who dings me a lot? I have to ask them to stop dinging me and/or put some distance between us in order for me to feel better.

You seem to talk about "fixing your feelings" like if you could only not feel X, all would be ok.

That is really true. I do talk that way, and maybe Im being too cocky. Maybe that isnt possible. But i take a look at my emotions, lay them out, and try to look at them objectively, and part of me feels like I can have some power over them. Im not waiting for a switch to fall into my lap, but I think that a intelligent observance of how my emotions work, and advising from people like you and therapy could all contribute to overwriting emotional trends.

 

[someaccount]

.

Hello someaccount,


It sounds like you may be experiencing some jealousy regarding your boyfriend's various hookups. You want to be okay with it, but you're not okay with it. His hookups cause you to lose your confidence, and sink into a deep well of sadness and depression. You need to get out more, and have some fun with some other guys. But, your sadness and depression are making you lose your interest in getting out and having fun. So, it is a vicious circle.

Thats putting it succinctly ya. I think a potential solution is to force myself out more. Even If i don't have a fun time all the time, and even if that seems unfair to myself. Im tempted to make more attempts because I may surprise myself and actually relieve some stress. Although I should say that part of my reluctance to meet up with people is that it will make my boyfriend go out and do it too, which is a reason why i think i deprive myself. typing that sounds right. I think part of me really doesnt want him to hook up. even if I may want to, part of me wants him to be locked down. I think its important to state here too that if i feel involved in his sex, then it can be pretty fun. Its just kinda impossible with our schedules to be heavily involved one way of the other.

I wonder if maybe there is a compromise that could be reached, such as, maybe your boyfriend could do fewer hookups. Then you would have more time and opportunity to work through your jealous feelings, and come out clean on the other side. Right now it seems like, by the time you get past the idea of him having one hookup, he is already out there having another hookup. Does that make sense?

The issue is that he already is reserved. He holds back a lot. He doesnt bring it up very much, but I know hed be sleeping around a lot more if he werent looking out for me.

I can't know what it's like in your shoes, but I can see that you are going through a painful ordeal. It is hard when the one you love is out there seeing somebody else. I'm sorry you are going through that. I hope the posts here will help you some.

Thank you kevin. I really appreciate it. Can i ask you how you feel about open relationships, how your relationship formats work currently, and how you would way your mind works regarding non monogamy and jealousy and feeling casual when it comes to sex. Thanks agian
.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi someaccount,

I am in a three-person V, it is poly but it is closed. A four-person N would be possible in theory, but that would be a long drawn-out process, and none of us are interested in anyone new at this time. We've been together (as a V) for over twelve years. I've had jealousy in the past, but that doesn't seem to be a problem now. As for sex, I take it very seriously, but I am okay with others taking a casual approach. I do like the closed relationship because it feels simpler to me. Hopefully this answers some of your questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ya he did technically cheat on our agreements. we talked that through. I should stick up for him a bit here. He is a caring person who tries hard.

He could not make any more new agreements he cannot keep. Be a person of his Word. Then he doesn't have to cheat or fear that he will cheat. Just not overextend himself from the beginning.

Hes one of the smartest people ive met, which is another thing that can make standing up for myself hard. He can talk circles around me. Im not a pushover, but its definitely not easy to pin him down in an argument.

When he does this behavior, is his goal to “I want to be right and win the argument" or to “I want to return right relationship with my partner?”

I don't get the sense you guys work like a team. You keep saying things like "things get heated, talk circles around me, makes it hard to stand up for myself, battle, struggle, take damage..."

Couples can have disagreements on how to handle something but I don't think they have to come to the table ready for battle like the partner is "the enemy." Sheesh.

He is someone that I want to fight for, and the things that I get out of our relationship still do outweigh the stuff I have to go through with openness.

Then it's still worthwhile to you.

Something I really need to ask. How does it feel to love someone, and have an easy time looking at other people, and having sex. How do you think you feel casually about it all. I would love to hear some stories or explanations for how you think about things ethically, and if you can try, how it works in your heads, a little phenomenology lesson.

When I was younger? I didn't want any deep attachments. I was busy with school.

I wanted meaningful but "in the present" relationships... like no deep entanglements or plans for future. My FEELINGS weren't casual – I cared for the people and their well being. They weren't hook ups or one night stands never to be seen again. Because I DON'T feel casual about sex. I know some people do, and they are ok sharing their bodies casually. But I am not that type.

I wanted steady companions. I just didn't want to be on the escalator toward marriage and kids or anything like that. I wasn't ready to think about any of that in my late teens and early 20's and I wasn't sure I even wanted to be married or have kids. For a time I thought about never marrying and being child-free.

I was up front about that with potential partners. And some of them would SAY they were ok with that, but really they were not. They wanted to be in a relationship that was "going toward" those things -- buying a house, getting married, making babies. I wanted something closer to solo poly -- just that at the time I did not have the words for that.

I would let go of those people as soon as I realized that we were not compatible. I wasn't out to be user-y. I didn't want to bend myself into pretzels over it trying to be something they wanted that I was not. Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Initial compatibility is not enough either. There must be other things like respect, deep compatibility, shared values, a shared vision for the future, etc.

At this time of my life? I am married with dependents. I am not a foot-loose college student any more. So rather than “solo poly” I want either something more like “co-primary.”

If you don't feel casually about people or casual about sex? That's ok. You don't have to feel the same way about your outside relationships as your partner does. You don't have to be carbon copies of each other.

what do you mean by growing pains? I don't have a way of distinguishing between types of pain.

You don't? Stubbing your toe on the coffee table is one kind of pain. You might be willing to risk that to rearrange the living room furniture in a nicer way.

Getting your leg chopped off in a car accident is another. You might not be willing to risk that. So you don't walk into traffic.

Being willing to be uncomfortable with sharing his time and attention because you aren't the only partner any more? You are willing to pay the price of admission because you really want to do Open. And you are doing Open FOR YOU. So that amount of emotional pain seems worth the risk.

But if you are not doing it for you? If you are going against your own grain, and you wouldn't pick this out if it wasn't for him? You are not honoring what YOU value? It makes you want to die inside doing this? That's not growing pains and getting used to a new situation that you really want to be in. That's subsuming yourself to the relationship and hurting your own self. Much to high a price of admission and you don't have to be willing to pay that.

That is why I ask you... are you able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me" when you need to?

I should also say that before the relationship implodes, he will try monogamy again.

Why would he do that when he's afraid of cheating? Why not just say “I cannot promise you monogamy.”

In my limited experience I would argue that relationships need some level of sacrifice, especially when you feel strong enough to take on a battle like the one im waging. I honestly think thats what love comes down to.*

I think love is shared. It doesn't have to be "proven" by "battling things" or "sacrificing things."

I don't believe in sacrificing or subsuming myself to a relationship. Or put another way – I have to love me too.

In fact, I have to love me FIRST. Then I can run from a full tank of gas and not burn out or spread myself too thin. If I have a full tank of gas, then I can gift my help to others in meeting their reasonable and rational requests.

Just like in an airplane where you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help other people. Self care is not being selfish and it is not optional. It is necessary.

Maybe that isnt possible. But i take a look at my emotions, lay them out, and try to look at them objectively, and part of me feels like I can have some power over them.

You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person doing the thinking and experiencing the feelings. That said?

I don't think people can help what they feel. Feelings pop up. Some are fun to feel, some are not so fun.

What people can control is how they choose to RESPOND to their feelings.

I have a former friend who'se running around with a drug kinda crowd. It stresses me out being around that. Can I help feeling stressed out? That THIS is the feeling I get? Nope.

Can I control who I hang out with? Yes. So I don't hang out with her any more.

That is eaiser for me to do than to try to “fix” my feeling stressed. Or try to “change” my feeling stressed and be ok with druggie people around my house and kids.

It's simpler to address my behavior – used to allow her around here. I STOPPED allowing that. And then stressed feelings don't have to pop up. I am free of that stress.

I think part of me really doesnt want him to hook up. even if I may want to, part of me wants him to be locked down.

You could be honest with yourself and him about that.

I think its important to state here too that if i feel involved in his sex, then it can be pretty fun. Its just kinda impossible with our schedules to be heavily involved one way of the other.

Then maybe you guys talk about other ideas for coping. Like...

a) Break up until you can be local and get back together then. Then he can hook up, you can be stress free, and there's no agreements to cheat on while you are on break.

b) Agree to be closed while LDR, and Open when local. He cannot hook up right now, but he CAN in a year when you move and doing Open locally is less stressful. Assuming he can keep his agreement and not cheat.

c) Look to transfer to him and finish your studies local over there so you don't have to wait so long.

d) He looks to move to you so you don't have to wait so long.

I get to talk to him tuesday.*

I hope your therapy appointment on tuesday goes well and it helps you sort out some of your thoughts.

Galagirl