First time NRE fallout

[Jayla]

My husband Nick and I dipped our toes into poly almost 2 years ago, kinda due to the now-known taboo of “issues in marriage so get needs met elsewhere.” He wasn’t getting his sexual needs met by me.

It took Nick a year to find another partner, and he went straight to fuzzy pink stupids within hours of meeting her. Ashley was young, thin, kinky, no kids or other responsibilities, and completely insatiable sex-wise. Everything a guy dreams of right? They had 4 or 5 hours-long sex sessions the weekend they met, and went straight into a full-on relationship after that. They would meet 2 days a week for full days, and then spent all waking hours texting or on the phone. I had tried to negotiate that they do one day a week, since 2 days a week meant I got zero kid-free time with Nick. But was shot down. I would ask that the texting chill a bit as he would be glued to his phone while I was trying to get whatever snippets of time I could find with him. But that didn’t happen.

I got accused of being jealous and insecure. Which yes on the insecure as this woman was everything I am not and he latched onto her and started ignoring me. I didn’t mind him having a relationship, just not to the exclusion of me and the kids. He was so incredibly happy tho. But the things he’d tell me while enamoured with her were hurtful and things that I still struggle with. Things like she made him the happiest he’s been in his life, she was the best sex by far, that he finally got to see what sex with a thin girl was like, after knowing her 2 weeks said he trusted her with his life and believed everything she said but things I said were suspect. I recognized all this was probably NRE in a bad way. They ended the relationship after 6 weeks. And to my knowledge haven’t spoken since. She wasn’t exactly representing herself as she had put out there, and due to other circumstances we found out about, was an NRE junkie who got her lollies off by getting guys obsessed with her.

So, it’s all over. Nick has admitted slowly that he was not thinking clearly during that time, that he didn’t really mean those things he said. He wishes things hadn’t happened the way they did. He hasn’t had another partner since Ashley. But I still cannot shake it all. It hurt so much, feeling so replaced by a “better” woman. Being essentially shamed for everything about me, especially my weight and low sex drive. I’d just lost 60lbs. So confusing. I want to trust he means what he says now, and isn’t just placating.

Anyways. How did y’all deal with the first NRE your partner got, and the fallout of their behaviors and words? How can I deal with it next time?

 

[lunabunny]

Wow, I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I'm sure it was absolute hell and still must be to a great extent.

the things he’d tell me while enamoured with her were hurtful and things that I still struggle with. Things like she made him the happiest he’s been in his life, she was the best sex by far, that he finally got to see what sex with a thin girl was like, after knowing her 2 weeks said he trusted her with his life and believed everything she said but things I said were suspect.

I don't care how smitten with NRE a person is, there is no excuse for saying such cruel, hurtful, demeaning things to a person you supposedly love.

They ended the relationship after 6 weeks. And to my knowledge haven’t spoken since. She wasn’t exactly representing herself as she had put out there, and due to other circumstances we found out about, was an NRE junkie who got her lollies off by getting guys obsessed with her.

So, it’s all over. Nick has admitted slowly that he was not thinking clearly during that time, that he didn’t really mean those things he said.
I want to trust he means what he says now, and isn’t just placating.

Seems he really lost his head. It sure came back to bite him on the ass pretty quickly, though I'm sure that fact gives you little pleasure as you're left feeling even more insecure about your own desirability. Your husband's wounding words have left you unable to trust what he tells you now... and I don't blame you for fearing the worst should he find someone else at some point.

The question is... do you even WANT to stay in a relationship with a man who could so easily fall under the spell of the first woman who crossed his path simply because they're more physically "attractive", thinner, etc.? What does this say about your husband's character?

Can you find it in yourself to forgive him... and more importantly, trust him again? Have you and/or husband considered counselling in the wake of his brief, ill-fated relationship?

You say you have a low libido, but don't mention whether you have sought other partners or been involved with anyone else since opening up the marriage. Is poly something you want for yourself... or did you agree to it because your husband coerced/convinced you, using your lower libido as the reason he needs other sexual connections?

As to how you can deal with it "next time"...

Have you two discussed the future in terms of a next time/new partner? Does he truly understand where he went wrong, and why what he did/said was unacceptable? Because it seems to me there is an awful lot of discussion, healing, and possibly therapy that still needs to occur before it'd be safe for hubby to jump into the poly pool again.

Don't forget, YOU didn't do anything wrong here. You are who you are, and you shouldn't be made to feel "less than". After all, he chose to marry you. There must be things about you that are worth loving and that he finds attractive. But more importantly, YOU have to be happy with you. Until you are comfortable within yourself, the wounds will continue to fester.

 

[Jayla]

Thank you for replying Luna, and being thoughtful and thorough.

I honestly don’t believe it all to be a divorce-able offense. Intellectually I get why he lost his head. We’ve been together near 2 decades, and I was the first and only sexual experience for him up until 2 years ago. We spent our 20s having and raising kids, and he felt he missed out on dating around. So he had no experience in dating. Also, it took him a year of looking, so I believe he latched on to her out of scarcity thinking. There’s been no pattern of him being emotionally abusive, more like obtuse. That stereotypical man thing of not exactly being tactful. I will say he didn’t say those things with the intention of putting me down, but I think more out of wanting to share. These are things I logically know, but emotionally can be hard to overcome. I do chalk it up to first poly mistakes and growing pains.

He does feel remorse over it, and has done what he can. He does understand he was kinda duped, and the things he felt in retrospect weren’t the reality. But again...brain-heart battle. I do have insecurities, and you are correct that I gotta like myself more if I’m to believe him. We have a long history, great kids, and are great friends.

I did get some experience on my side of the poly. Unfortunately the first time out was before we were actually poly. I had an on-off emotional affair with a mutual friend Matt. I do feel very ashamed for it, as does Matt. It’s all out in the open and in the 18 months since it was all disclosed to Nick, all 3 of us have done the post-mortem, and are all on good terms again as friends. But I still hold that guilt. Shortly after deciding on poly (mutually discussed and decided upon), I found Doug, and we casually dated on-off for a year. It was more like a friends with very occasional benefits. There was no NRE or anything like that, and any time I spent with Doug (like 1-2 times/mo for coffee/drinks) was discussed with Nick and I made sure it didn’t interfere with mine and Doug’s family needs. Both my relationship with Doug, and Nick’s with Ashley all ended within weeks of each other 9 months ago. I think we’re both a little traumatized.

I’m not really looking to keep digging at Nick, he knows it was messed up. But it happened. So now I guess it’s about me trying to move forward, putting the extra insecurity weight to the side, and get some confidence back that I’m still worth being with. My low libido is a problem, hasn’t always been. It got worse over the years pushing out 4 kids, raising them, gaining weight. I see a doc next week for other things, but I might bring it up. Since the Ashley thing, it just tanked, and it does upset me that I feel like that.

Anyways, hopefully this extra info helps. I’m sure I’ll have the advice to seek therapy, which is in the works to address my overstressed life. But just wanted to see what folks who’ve been on both sides of those hard NRE times might have to offer in strategies. For a couple newbies who got it wrong first time round lol

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Jayla,

NRE can be a dangerous concoction. When I had NRE I handled it poorly, and I regret that. The question is, does Nick feel bad enough about what he did to catch himself in the future? Does he feel bad enough to listen to you in the future? When you say, "That hurts," will he listen? or will he hold it against you? When you ask him to make some kids-free time to be with you, will he do so? Will he ease off on the texting if you ask him to? These are questions to ask him now, while he is not in NRE. If you wait til he's in NRE it will be too late to ask them, you'll just have to say, "That hurts," and hope he listens.

Do lots of communicating, that's always important. Both now and later!
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Hi Jayla, I think Kevin is on spot. Trust is IMHO built up with vulnerable communication, but also with consistency - as he continues to act with integrity, following up with actions on what he says, you will be able to trust more in time. It seems he's been hopefully doing that.
Couples' therapy can also help a lot to make space for things that have remained in the shadows. I don't know if it's necessary in your case.

Anyway, you could try a little brainstorming session. Put aside some time when you won't be disturbed, write on the top of a paper "what do I need to trust again?" and keep writing your associations (for say 30 min straight, set a timer, so that you don't quit). Try to focus on the fact that you CAN trust, not the obstacles. You may also go deeply within before you start writing and try to feel and visualize what a mature trusting relationship is like (perhaps with an imaginary person who hasn't hurt you), literally fill yourself with the feeling. You might get some insights that way.

I just made up this exercise based on similar ones I've done with other topics in my life, I'd be happy to hear how it worked for you

 

[lunabunny]

Tinwen has some great ideas, above.

As does Kevin, below.

The question is, does Nick feel bad enough about what he did to catch himself in the future? Does he feel bad enough to listen to you in the future? When you say, "That hurts," will he listen? or will he hold it against you? When you ask him to make some kids-free time to be with you, will he do so? Will he ease off on the texting if you ask him to? These are questions to ask him now, while he is not in NRE.

I agree with Tinwen that trust is (re)built over time, and after being tested - not necessarily with deliberate forethought or targeted "tests", but incidentally as you continue to go through life together as a couple.

And Kevin's questions are exactly what you should be asking yourself AND your husband now, while you're in the rebuilding phase. It's important to communicate openly and to ask specific questions in order to be clear about your own boundaries and to negotiate agreements around issues you now know are likely to crop up.

My low libido is a problem, hasn’t always been. It got worse over the years pushing out 4 kids, raising them, gaining weight. I see a doc next week for other things, but I might bring it up.

Since the Ashley thing, it just tanked, and it does upset me that I feel like that.

Anyways, hopefully this extra info helps. I’m sure I’ll have the advice to seek therapy, which is in the works to address my overstressed life.

It's only natural and totally understandable that the fallout from your husband's other relationship would hardly increase your desire to be physically intimate with him. Added insecurity, hurt feelings and destroyed trust play havoc with libido.

But aside from that... you mentioned your libido has decreased during the years of birthing and raising children, and your subsequent weight gain - which is also natural. Since you say you and hubby have been together a couple of decades and have four children, I'm guessing you're about to enter, or are in, the peri-menopausal or menopausal stage of life... which can also affect sex drive, for better or (more often) worse. So definitely ask your doctor (GP/physician/gyno) about this as there may be medications, exercises or natural remedies you can take to improve your sex drive and overall physical health and well-being.

And, yes, as far as I'm concerned, therapy/counselling would certainly be useful in this instance.

I’m not really looking to keep digging at Nick, he knows it was messed up. But it happened. So now I guess it’s about me trying to move forward, putting the extra insecurity weight to the side, and get some confidence back that I’m still worth being with.

But just wanted to see what folks who’ve been on both sides of those hard NRE times might have to offer in strategies. For a couple newbies who got it wrong first time round lol

I've definitely been in a situation where NRE played a role in making a total mess of a relationship - in this case however, I was the "Ashley" I guess. Unwittingly and without malice, I must add!

When I first met my (now) partners, Jester and Boho online, we were just mutual platonic friends. At least I assumed we were ALL platonic... however, I didn't know THEY were involved in a real life FWB arrangement.

After about a year of friendship, Jester and I fell in love with each other. It happened quite suddenly and was all-consuming, for the both of us. At this point I discovered Jester had a "casual" sexual relationship with Boho, which he promptly decided to end because his feelings for me were a lot deeper than those for her (none of us identified as poly at the time).

Naturally, Boho was very hurt, especially since she really was in love with Jester despite their lack of "official" commitment. What devastated her even more, I believe, is the way Jester (mis)handled things. He wasn't honest with either of us at first... and when he finally did tell Boho about him/me, he couldn't keep his obvious NRE/happiness/glitter-and-rainbows feelings from showing. In fact, like your husband, he practically boasted about how great OUR relationship was - to her! - and how much he loved me and "had never felt like this for anyone before".

Don't get me wrong... at this time, I did not want him to stay sexually involved with her, but I never asked him to drop her either. What I DID understand however, was how HURT Boho must have felt, and how terribly INSENSITVE Jester's behaviour towards her must have appeared. I did try to counsel him to be more empathetic and tone it down some... but he seemed unable or unwilling to do that. This led to a rift in Boho's and my friendship that didn't get patched up for many months. (We HAD been close up until then.) Yet they managed to stay friends...

Fast forward another year... and my empathy for Boho's feelings (and her willingness to work past her emotional pain and support Jester's and my relationship) actually resulted in she and I becoming closer than ever... and ultimately led to us getting involved romantically. That was the start of my/our poly journey.

I realise the outcome of my story isn't all that relevant to the dilemma facing you, Jayla... it's only similar in the way the males in both situations let themselves get carried away by NRE (to the point of being insensitive towards their existing partner's feelings) which caused them to make critical errors in judgement. But I know from experience that with time, patience, love, empathy and, most of all, a willingness to stay in each other's lives and make things work... things CAN improve.

 

[senry]

Hi Jayla and everyone

As I mentioned in my intro, I've had to deal with my wife's NREs a number of times. I never anticipated this, because I grew up in what I think was a health poly family for one thing, and when I met my wife in college, she gave me the impression she understood and already knew how to navigate such a relationship. We moved in together, and at first she and I were monogamous for a few months, not feeling pressure to get in another relationship, but just agreeing that when someone came along we'd let things develop naturally and see what happened.

After about 3 months, Amber, my wife, meets a guy a little older than us who was unnattached. Jayla, she developed the "fuzzy pink stupids" over him almost as fast as your Nick did for Ashley. I was really stunned (I guess I shouldn't have been, but then that's not how poly had worked in my own family). Amber never really said anything cruel, she just became obsessed with spending as much time with him as she could. They were always on the phone, and she was dating him a several nights a week. I couldn't help getting jealous but she'd just say I was overreacting and that we were "both mature enough to handle it." Looking back, we weren't old enough to handle anything, but anyway, it wasn't long before they were going on weekend trips together, and I was being marginalized fast.

It was after that first weekend they had together that Amber started to refuse my advances for sex. I said to her, "I thought we were mature enough to handle this" and she said she felt like she needed to be with him only, just for a while, to really get the most out of this relationship. I told her she had to be kidding and we ended up arguing. She said to be patient. I didn't have the time or desire at that point to find another partner, so I decided to give her some time, but I warned her that there was a limit to how long I was going to wait. The affair did run its course and we were back to being intimate.

I think in my wife's case, she has a real need for the excitement and variety of an NRE, both sexually and romantically. It's like a high for her, an addiction. At the same time, we have a stable loving relationship, we have a lot in common, and there are still sparks between us when she's not with someone else.

I realize your situation is different, Jayla, and as for how to deal with a partner's NRE the next time, the advice lunabunny and others gave seems on target. NRE's happen a lot with my wife, and each time I'm afraid it's going to break us up. She assures me that I've got nothing to worry about, but I think this kind of behavior is dangerous for us. She thinks it's no problem. We'd both like to start a family, but I personally don't want to have kids when I don't feel secure. It's not my ideal poly relationship, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

 

[Jayla]

Thank you Kevin, Tinwen, and Luna! Lots of good things to think about. Forgive my not doing the quotes thing, I haven’t figured that out yet. Also for my late response, I have quite a full schoolwork schedule so that takes a lot of time!!

We’ve discussed a little about what was learned from the experience. I do make a conscious effort to not be all “I told you so” or “this is what happens when”. (Although my own internal dialogue says it a lot! Lol). It seems that he knows to be more careful in the future. I’ve phrased it with our conversations as a learning experience. I have told him a lot of it hurt me, and that I don’t know how long it will take to heal. But I don’t wish to beat him over the head with it, since when mine and Matt’s emotional affair came to light he was very good about not rehashing, especially when he knew my guilt weighed on me and I felt remorse. Nick hates seeing people in pain and feeling helpless, so knowing this (he’s been like this with everyone in his life, for the whole time I’ve known him) I know to just inform, and try to give him what he can do.

I don’t hold Ashley responsible, Nick made his choices. I do believe from a psychological pov that she is an incredibly insecure person who looks for validation from men. I do hope she finds happiness someday (ethically) but it is not mine or Nick’s (or even Matt’s) responsibility.

It seems the only way I’ll know things were truly learned is when he starts to date again. Nick does realize his limitations on that now. He works 6 nights a week, I’m in heavy duty school time, plus 4 kids. Trying to date someone new would limit the already slight amount time with us further. He made that choice on his own. He did also take me on a trip for our wedding anniversary, and it was epic. Lol. I check in every now and then on where he’s at about dating, the answer is usually “I don’t have time, but would like to again someday.”

Luna, thank you validating a bit about how all the life factors can affect libido. I was starting to think I’m just wrong. Lol. It was actually psych meds that caused a good portion of weight gain (60lbs in a year). After getting off those, and a kick in the ass to go to the gym I lost all of that in 2 years. Gained back 10 since starting school. I still need to lose 40 to get towards healthy. And I adore my kids, but they wrecked me. Haha! My parts have never been the same, even required reconstructive surgery. So biologically feeling anything is difficult probably due to nerve damage. I am 36, and had a hysterectomy 7 years ago. So I haven’t the mechanisms to track cycles (still have an ovary to produce hormones). It’s possible peri-menopause is looming, but a doc would have to tell me.

I will be getting into therapy at some point here. There are many other life stressors that I need assistance with. Nick’s NRE took me to a breaking point, and I hope to come back from it better than before.

Thanks again for being so kind!!

 

[Jayla]

Also Luna and Kevin, thank you for being willing to come forward about your NRE hard times. I know that humans make mistakes, and to know others have come out better for it is comforting. Luna, what a difficult situation you all had! I’m glad you and Boho got through that. Jester does sound a little like Nick...kinda that guy thing (not all guys) of being rather obtuse. Like the example of a wife asking a husband if she looks good in an outfit, he says “you look ok” but then goes about how Sally from work looks smoking hot in the same outfit. Lmao. Honesty is important, but so is tact!!

I wouldn’t say you were the Ashley necessarily...from the first time Nick and her met, she knew about me and that Nick and I were married with kids. She and I met in person on a number of occasions. But nothing slowed her down until she met our friend Matt (who I’d previously had an emotional affair with) through Nick in online gaming chat. Then it was dump Nick for Matt, but Matt didn’t return her affections. She moved on again. Dumped her nesting partner around that time as well. I thinks she’s just very emotionally unstable trying to find someone that will completely devote to her. But uses poly to keep her options open. I think you have a much better way of doing things in as healthy a manner as you can! Much happiness to you!

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like things are a little, just a little better. I'm glad if we could help (in some small way). Hopefully Nick will learn the value of tact from this experience!