Flexibility when it comes to spending time with each other?

L

longdistancerunner

New member
Hi! I'v been reading a lot here lately, but this is my forst post.

I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 6 months. She was the on who introduced me to polyamory. At first it as curiosity that led me to start dating her, but pretty soon I realized I'd really enjoyed being in a poly relation. For example, I don't really think I ever want to live with anyone again (except my dog, who's really the ideal roommate), something I feel is much less an issue for longtime, non-mono relationships (I'm talking about expectations here).

She's living with a partner (also poly). Up until a while ago we've been spending time together frequently (at least once a week or so). Also, the man she lives with has a job that requires him to travel across the country for around 10 days on a regular basis. During such leaves, we've usually spent a lot of time together.

Of course there's been some difficulties along the way, for example a bit of jealousy (for the both of us) when we've dated other people etc. But on the whole, I've been really happy. Until now.

Some weeks back, the guy she lives with were going out of town on one of his business trips. I met her up on the day he left and we wnt to the movies and had a pretty great time and everything. The next morning I tried to make some plans for the week. That's when the problems began. She didn't want to make any plans, saying she needed to spend more time alone.

I said ok to this because it felt reasonable. But after then, thing's been different and a bit weird. We've seen each other since then of course, but not as often and she has been pretty passive when it comes to taking initiatives in planning our meetings. I've brought the subject up a couple of times and also asked her if she thinks there's anything wrong with our relationship, which she says doesn't.
It's close to two weeks since we last saw each other and I want to see her. I think I'll have to ask for us to meet, which is frustrating at this phase of our relationship since I've been the one taking initiatives on this front lately.

Ok, I'm sorry for the length of this post. But basically, what I'm wondering is this: does anyone else here has any experience with relationships where one person needs a change in the time spent together?
And: I know communication is key and I'm probably going to have to address this issue again. But I'm not exactly sure how to do it; I don't want to feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on her since I obviously think she has the right to spend more time alone etc. It's just that I don't know what she's thinking, how much time she wants to spend with me.

Also: of course, there's the risk that what she really wants is just to break the relationship off. But since since I asked her if there's anything wrong with our relationship and she'd say it wasn't, and she's usually really upfront when it comes to issues, I'm gonna have to stick with that for now.

I'll greatly appreciate any help!
 
longdistancerunner said:
....she has been pretty passive when it comes to taking initiatives in planning our meetings. ...... I think I'll have to ask for us to meet, which is frustrating at this phase of our relationship since I've been the one taking initiatives on this front lately.
Click to expand...

Are you a man? If so, it's typical that a woman would hang back and wait for the man to initiate dates, even when things have gotten off the ground. In and of itself, this doesn't indicate level of interest. Some women are more comfortable initiating, but most feel it's the man's place. A girl never wants to feel that she's chasing a guy, but instead wants to feel desired. (So goes the patter in the head, right or wrong......) Personally, I would express interest in seeing a guy I'd been dating for 6 months and I wouldn't wait for him to suggest every date, but many women feel best when the man does all of the "pursuing."
 
Last edited:
FallenAngelina said:
Are you a man? If so, it's typical that a woman would hang back and wait for the man to initiate dates, even when things have gotten off the ground. In and of itself, this doesn't indicate level of interest. Some women are more comfortable initiating, but most feel it's the man's place. A girl never wants to feel that she's chasing a guy, but instead wants to feel desired. (So goes the patter in the head, right or wrong......) Personally, I would express interest in seeing a guy I'd been dating for 6 months and I wouldn't wait for him to suggest every date, but many women feel best when the man does all of the "pursuing."
Click to expand...

Thanks for your reply!

That's correct, I'm a man. I see what you're saying and I definitely recognise that kind of behaviour. But this is the first time that I've noticed it in this particular relationship. I guess that's why it's bothering me.
I should add that neither she or the partner she's living with has any prior experience with seeing somebody else on a more "serious" basis, though none of them practices primary/secondary type of agreements.
 
longdistancerunner said:
.....During such leaves, we've usually spent a lot of time together..... I tried to make some plans for the week. That's when the problems began. She didn't want to make any plans, saying she needed to spend more time alone......asked her if she thinks there's anything wrong with our relationship, which she says doesn't.
Click to expand...

If your pattern has been to spend a lot of time with each other when he's out of town, then she needs space suddenly and isn't suggesting dates as she did before, her words aren't conveying what she is feeling and you can sense that now. Sounds like she has a lot of internal conflict and isn't in a place to give you a clear message. You've tried verbal communication several times and that obviously isn't giving you a definite answer because she doesn't have a definite answer in herself to give, even though she has attempted to when asked.
 
FallenAngelina said:
If your pattern has been to spend a lot of time with each other when he's out of town, then she needs space suddenly and isn't suggesting dates as she did before, her words aren't conveying what she is feeling and you can sense that now. Sounds like she has a lot of internal conflict and isn't in a place to give you a clear message. You've tried verbal communication several times and that obviously isn't giving you a definite answer because she doesn't have a definite answer in herself to give, even though she has attempted to when asked.
Click to expand...

Thank you for helping out. I think you're right about what you're saying about her not being able to give me a real answer. It's just such a frustrating situation, I don't really know what to do now. I've been keeping kind of a low profile lately,
not asking her if she wants to get together etc. Perhaps it's best to keep it that way for a bit longer, it's just that sometimes it's so stressful to walk around with all this uncertainty.
 
I think if it's stressing you out you could try a different approach. Instead of asking her if she thinks things are going okay in your relationship, tell her the truth, which is that for you things are NOT currently going okay in your relationship. It's one thing for a partner to be inviting you to do stuff, and then backing off and waiting for reciprocation IF THAT PERSON IS FINE TO DO SO. It's quite another for a partner to say, 'hey, this isn't much fun for me'. If she's assuming you are in the former position, then that might partially explain her lack of initiative-taking.

In short, I'm not sure you are being as direct with her as you think you are. In your desire to not seem pushy, you are probably giving her the impression that you are cool with not being in touch right now. If seeing her at least once a week is what you need to feel connected to her and like the relationship is satisfying, then you should say that. It might be that you aren't on the same page with where you both fit in each others lives. You do seem more invested than she is at this point. That's not necessarily a tragedy, but if you are feeling anxious about your place in her life, you should take steps to figure that out with her.

Of course, the other option is you just ride it out until she's craving contact with you again. I occasionally go through more introverted periods where I just need to be a homebody for a bit, and maybe she is the same. Do you have any other partners? Lots of social stuff happening? A busy job? Hobbies that keep you engaged? If you don't have a lot of other stuff going on in your life right now, you could be feeling especially dependent on her for social stimulation. In the long run, that's not a great position to be in - for you, or for her. If she's not available for dating right now, I'd try to use the extra time you have positively. Catch up with friends. Start a personal project. You might well find that a sense of balance is restored that way without needing a sit down discussion.
 
Maybe she's just introverted? It might have nothing to do with you personally. She might really need actual alone time to recharge.

I'm introverted and occasionally I over-commit to spending time with people. It's because I enjoy them and want to be around them but I then realize that I am completely worn out and need to regroup. So I pull back from social stuff for a while. I then recharge and am ready to be social again. I've gotten much better at managing this need once I acknowledged it. Perhaps she is similar?
 
tenK said:
I think if it's stressing you out you could try a different approach. Instead of asking her if she thinks things are going okay in your relationship, tell her the truth, which is that for you things are NOT currently going okay in your relationship. It's one thing for a partner to be inviting you to do stuff, and then backing off and waiting for reciprocation IF THAT PERSON IS FINE TO DO SO. It's quite another for a partner to say, 'hey, this isn't much fun for me'. If she's assuming you are in the former position, then that might partially explain her lack of initiative-taking.

In short, I'm not sure you are being as direct with her as you think you are. In your desire to not seem pushy, you are probably giving her the impression that you are cool with not being in touch right now. If seeing her at least once a week is what you need to feel connected to her and like the relationship is satisfying, then you should say that. It might be that you aren't on the same page with where you both fit in each others lives. You do seem more invested than she is at this point. That's not necessarily a tragedy, but if you are feeling anxious about your place in her life, you should take steps to figure that out with her.

Of course, the other option is you just ride it out until she's craving contact with you again. I occasionally go through more introverted periods where I just need to be a homebody for a bit, and maybe she is the same. Do you have any other partners? Lots of social stuff happening? A busy job? Hobbies that keep you engaged? If you don't have a lot of other stuff going on in your life right now, you could be feeling especially dependent on her for social stimulation. In the long run, that's not a great position to be in - for you, or for her. If she's not available for dating right now, I'd try to use the extra time you have positively. Catch up with friends. Start a personal project. You might well find that a sense of balance is restored that way without needing a sit down discussion.
Click to expand...

I love that I'm getting what I was aiming for when I decided to start the thread: new perspectives.

I definitely think you've got a point when you're saying that I'm more invested right now. The problem for me is the drastic kind of change when it comes to our time together. Since we've been hanging out a lot these past 6 months, I've gotten used to that. This pattern, like FallenAngelina mentioned, has now been cut off (at least for now).
My main problem is that this has evoked feelings of abandonment. This is a kind of feeling that's hard for most lot of people to deal with, but especially so for me I think, due to various reasons. This in turn makes me question my trust; does she still want to se me? etc.

I've been thinking of the alternatives you presented on how to deal with this and I somehow wounded up leaning more towards the second one. I do have a lot of other stuff in my life; work, school, friends etc (though currently no other relationship) that I'm really engaged in.
But I have some concerns and that is mainly that this will turn into something where no one will take initiatives and that this will lead to both of us playing a kind of game where nobody wants to lose prestige.
Another aspect has to do with the trust issue mentioned above. In this scenario, what she really wants i s to break the whole thing of, which would mean that I will humiliated and stupid in the end. But I know that the trust thing is something I have to work with and figure out in one way or another.

I'm sorry if I'm all over the place with this thing. I'm not currently feeling very balanced (as I guess everyone noticed) and I know I must seem very anxious and neurotic.
 
opalescent said:
Maybe she's just introverted? It might have nothing to do with you personally. She might really need actual alone time to recharge.

I'm introverted and occasionally I over-commit to spending time with people. It's because I enjoy them and want to be around them but I then realize that I am completely worn out and need to regroup. So I pull back from social stuff for a while. I then recharge and am ready to be social again. I've gotten much better at managing this need once I acknowledged it. Perhaps she is similar?
Click to expand...

She's definitely more introverted than I am, so that's really something that should be taken into consideration.
So great to hear from other people that also needs more time alone!
 
I am sensing a slow fade out. I am basing this opinion on the change in scheduling pattern. No scheduling for 2 weeks? Time to ask what is going on.
 
Atlantis said:
I am sensing a slow fade out. I am basing this opinion on the change in scheduling pattern. No scheduling for 2 weeks? Time to ask what is going on.
Click to expand...

Well, that is of course my greatest fear in this situation. If breaking up is what she wants, then her behaviour is completely unacceptable. It's one thing to, for example, ask for a temporary break because you need to think things over. Those type of situations often lead to an eventual break-up. But that's of course ok since it involves communication. On the other hand, not telling how you really feel in a case like this is completely different I'd say.
 
Hi longdistancerunner,

One thing that may be happening here is that this girl you've been in a relationship with (for about six months) may have run out of her supply of NRE, while you are still experiencing a steady supply. As the NRE slows down, people generally tend to not be so intent on seeing each other as often. It's a hormonal thing.

My advice is to go ahead and initiate getting together with her, and if she says "Yes," believe her. At one point or another you could ask her, "Am I asking you out too often?" Then, whatever she says, believe her. If she's fibbing to you, it's up to her to work up the resolve to tell the truth.

Those are some of my thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top