Those of you that live with your metamours: What tips and suggestions might you offer to help transition smoothly. What type of arrangement has worked best in regards to division of labor, sleeping arrangement, child rearing, etc?
Before we started transitioning PunkRock in to our home, DarkKnight and I had several discussions about space, time, finances and division of labor. I then had multiple conversations with PunkRock about those same topics. We had one group meeting together with a "pre-habitation checklist" that we found online, that was very formal, but we all felt was enormously helpful. We had already come to an agreement on most things, but the list was so broad it brought up things the guys hadn't considered.
Each guy has a separate, similarly sized bedroom. Each guy has a second area in the home where he can go to receive privacy (DarkKnight has an office, PunkRock has his painting desk in the basement.) I have the master suite and the guys trade off nights with me. We are flexible if something comes up and we need to change the schedule - but I am the one who makes the final decision about that. If I have a sleepover with one guy, then the other usually gets a date night with me that same evening. Again, this is fluid and flexible. Last night I went to dinner with DarkKnight and since he was working overtime all evening, PunkRock and I spent several hours organizing and cleaning the kitchen. DarkKnight had the sleepover. Both guys tend to schedule things for themselves so they are occupied if they know they aren't having a date night.
Financially, we all have a joint checking account that I pay most of the bills out of each month, including groceries. Each guy has their own private checking and savings account, which is where their checks direct deposit into. They transfer an agreed-upon amount over each pay period, so I know how much to expect. If they have an "approved expense" like medical co-pays or an oil change on their car, that comes out of our shared household account- they transfer the cash to their private account and pay with that. Whatever junk they want to spend the rest of their checks on is up to them. If I need more money, I ask them to send some.
Each guy has life insurance and 401(k) accounts, and I am the sole beneficiary. My life insurance is payable in equal amounts to both of them. I am the beneficiary on their individual checking and savings accounts (it's not a joint account, but if they pass, I would be allowed to receive access to their funds).
Since DarkKnight and I are legally married, I have PunkRock listed as my medical power of attorney. I have medical power of attorney for both of them. All of us have living wills, and our goal this summer is to complete our actual wills.
PunkRock is title holder on one of our cars and DarkKnight is title holder on the other. We share a cellphone plan in my name.
Um, we meet a couple of times a year to discuss short term and long term goals - financial goals as well as individual and collective. Short term means happening this year. For example, some of our short term goals we have include sending my daughter to Nepal in the Fall. me having Invisalign braces, writing our wills, establishing a joint savings for unexpected car repairs. Long term goals include moving to another state, buying an RV and establishing a travel budget, buying a mixed use commercial property and opening a no-kill cat shelter, starting a reptile/exotic animal education business. I feel it is very important that we have joint dreams for the future, and that we acknowledge them from time to time, even if not much progress is being made toward them at the present!
As far as parenting, I have 2 adult children from a previous marriage and one child with DarkKnight who is 17. Our shared long term goal concerning kids right now is to help my son gain independence (he is renting a room in my home currently - he has special needs and is working a program) and to launch my youngest to college next summer. PunkRock is not a parent, per se, to any of my kids, but he is integrated into their lives as a chauffeur when needed, he assigns them chores if he see things need to be done, and he and the youngest go to the shooting range together once a week. He is also her go-to person when she has questions or concerns about her pet cat. None of us wish to have any more children.
Hope this helps.
