Friends and lovers

Going the distance

I've written scraps of this journal over the last few weeks, much of it lost: false starts (or perhaps too true ones) like the ashy edge of burnt paper, dissolving in drifts of air.

Lobe visited over the long weekend. It was Overdue. We don't do well long distance, we really don't. He says he is sensitive to the unreality of distance. How we rely on memories and imagination, how a person and a relationship so quickly become fantasy. The degeneration is in fast-forward. One minute the theatre is filled with music, costumes, puppets, lights. We are holding hands in our seats, immersed in joyful wonder. Then, the lights go out, we're squeezed out into the street, it's cold, greyscale and the theatre is empty now, and dark. In a moment, the faded paraphenalia is packed away to a back room - marionettes left to hang in lifeless bunches, props haphazardly stashed as if having no hope of ever being needed again - a colourless mound gathering dust.

Wrote this a day or two before he got here:
Long distance with Lobe is hard, barely sustainable. We see each other fairly often, considering, but it's... yeah. Hmm.

5 weeks til my work schedule eases up. I'm not good with being patient! And it's surprisingly hard, to put things off til a future time in the hope that it'll be easier, then. It requires too much faith, when you've only had limited experience. Both of us hate the growing sense of surreality each time we're physically distant. It's like we're two ice caps slowly parting ways.

It may be that it's time to admit this is too impractical for even our desires to motivate a solution in the mid-term. Ech. Will see what he's feeling when he gets here. I've lost the threads of him. Reaching, can't catch. This is challenging!

Seeing him, talking in person, was healing. It's got to be easier, though. The situation has enough challenges without us losing connection after 2-3 weeks of not seeing each other. In the short term, we're going to be in different cities. It's got to work that way, or we should give up, maybe? I feel the energy-sink of it, sometimes. Like I'm constantly at risk of being written off. This time, I asked Lobe: "Please don't forget I'm real." He said: "I'll try not to." I guess that's the best anyone can do.

In other news, Ocean and I are about to rejig living arrangements. We move in about four weeks. There will be a bunch of work to do around that, but we're moving to a place with a garden and compost and a housemate who is rad. I'll have my own room! This is a place I thought I'd be moving to by myself, but due to various reshufflings it turns out Ocean will be moving with me too. I'm glad in a way, because I was afraid I wouldn't see that much of him if we split up our living arrangements between two places (especially two places far from each other). On the other hand, I'm worried he won't like it. It's some distance from the city, and a bit colder... Oh well, it's his decision! I have a tendency to get anxious that I've forced people into a scenario they don't like. But, really, people make their own minds up. It's not all about me.

Grotto's ma and her partner are visiting in a couple of days, for a week. I really want to show them a good time. Coming up to it, I spoke with Grotto about putting off our own shit for a wee bit, just so we can connect and focus on being hosts to family. Could be good for us, too, to look outwards, and work together. That said, we still do need to deal to some deep-seated disconnects. Haven't yet made it to counselling, but it needs to happen. We're good for now, though.

One thing I got to understand about Grotto recently is how little control he feels he has over his emotions. I had been messaging his ma, a couple of months ago, and she asked if she could visit end April. I spoke with Grotto about it, and he said that would be ok. So I conveyed that to her, and she booked tickets. Next I spoke with him about it, he was in a really sluggish mood. It went something like - Me: "Can't wait to see your ma!" Grotto: "ehhh... yeah... [grumblegrumble]..."

I was super confused about it. Also kind of pissed off. Like, if he didn't want to see her, why didn't he say so? Plus, I felt bad, like I had helped engineer a situation that Grotto didn't want, etc. But it's not that he didn't want to see his ma. It's just he was overwhelmed by the Effort of it.

For me, I don't tend to get bogged down by that. If it's something I want to do, I (usually) feel quite upbeat. High energy, even. Grotto isn't like that. Sometimes it's like he's being dragged to the sacrificial altar. I can misinterpret that (unsurprisingly) as him not wanting to make an effort. Maybe even him being lazy, wallowing. I want to yell at him: "come on, dude, cheer the fuck up!" But perhaps he can't much help the slow-moving mud of his moods, just as I can't help my firefly energy and flitting attention.
Grotto's family visited (his ma and her partner), and they had a great time. Grotto was happy to see his mum, and we were able to be decent hosts despite the various ups and downs of late.

I'm quite drained at the moment. I think there are too many connections in my life, people who have disparate views about me. Too many versions of success. Of course, I can't please everyone (and shouldn't try to) but I'm finding it a difficult environment. Not sure I'm mentally well right now.

I want to be alone. And I want to be held, simply, by people who know me, understand me, and like me.

Ocean is wonderful to me. I was sick this morning and he cared for me. Cosy blankets and a cuddle before he left for work.

I turned up at Grotto's last night, exhausted. He went out and got dinner for me, and ran an errand.

Lobe has visited a couple of times recently, as I haven't had the time to travel. I appreciate him making more of an effort, going beyond half way.

Lobe and Grotto have also had a couple of conversations with each other about relationship stuff recently. It's broken the ice "which was in much need of breaking" (according to Grotto). I should feel relieved, I guess, but instead I'm more numb. "ok."

A few things grinding at me at the moment: an extremely challenging work project (I have a brave face on but I'm thrashing in the deep end), plus trying to find a place to live (with less success than expected), plus a close family member being sick (my Nana who I'm very close to). Ah. Gotta keep swimming...
Ocean and I had a full few hours today, making it to various house inspections. Going to apply to all the places we saw; hopefully one of them will have us! It's been a bit exhausting. Not sure I explained the details on this blog. Basically, Ocean and I have been living in a one-bedroom studio. I knew I needed my own space, especially with Lobe visiting, so I decided to get my own studio/retreat space: a spare room in a house with a couple of other people. Things changed with that house (one person moved out) so then there was room for another person there. Ocean decided to move in too, and move out of our current place (the 1br studio). I moved into my room start of April, and the 2nd room (Ocean's) was to become available mid-April. However, on the day I moved in, the landlord said they were going to sell the property, which meant we had to move out. So now the three of us (Ocean, myself and the other housemate) have been trying to find a new place. Unexpected complications, energy suck, but nearly there.

I'm excited about moving in with our new housemate. They have a great presence about them, and do a bunch of cool shit - cooking, fermenting, community arts and music - as well as wanting to make a garden! I've missed that so much since moving here. Very soon, fingers in soil! Hooray!

Ok, tonight I have a date night with myself :) Have a great weekend, y'all
I'm on the home stretch with this work project that's consumed me for the last few months. It'll be over in a week!

Also: Ocean, our new housemate and I found a new place! It's in a good location, quirky, heaps of room for spare bed, office, craft projects, music. Vege garden. Kitchen. Yeah. I can't quite remember all the details of how the house felt, so it will be somewhat of a surprise when we finally move in next week.

Lobe's been sick. I'm aching to care for him, make him soup, give him cuddles, etc. But distance is such a moat, sometimes.

Grotto and I are... better? Fixed? Getting there? We've had some peaceful times lately. Went on a long walk with him a few days ago, talked through the same shit but it felt a bit like the final pass of the comb, with all the knots gone. We'll see. It's hard to tell when things are healed. In other news, he has a crush on this girl (friend of Bijou's). Not a hectic thing but it's cute. I reckon he'd like to be with one or two other people as well as me.


It's been an age since he or I have caught up with Plinth. I'll have to pick up that thread on this blog at some point.
Broken through the hardest bit of the work project! Oh my god, it feels good. Ocean helped me a heap with taking a few other things off my plate, including some at the last minute (yesterday) when I was straining to meet a deadline. He's such a gem.

I need to ease up today to make sure I don't flood myself with new commitments, since I'm feeling so light. Time to unwind, reset intentions. Fuck it, I might have a bath.

Been thinking a lot about how sex can change a relationship, and change how that relationship sits within a wider network. I'm not sure if it's the sex per se, ah... but there's something there, right? A kind of conspiratorial intimacy that comes over a relationship sometimes, for whatever reason. Either it's how people perceive it or how you experience it or a combo of both. Not sure if I'm explaining this well. But basically, what's the difference between friendships I have with people who I don't have sex with, and friendships I have with people I do have or have had sex with? It seems wrong to think of "sex" as the distinguishing factor, I guess it's something else... Romance? Commitment?

I get confused by all of this.

It's funny, my blog on here is almost an exercise - for me - in trying to figure out what it is that makes what I'm doing a thing. I still don't identify as poly. It's more that simply, I have many wants, some easy to reconcile, some challenging to, and some impossible. And life is about getting your gumboots on and clumping through all of that, and finding your path.

To me, it's almost as if it arbitrarily turns out that when sex is involved, it's more likely to turn to shit. Like we can't treat sex as casually as everything else.

I guess it's all the chemicals released when you're fucking. Your dreams can grow faster, and intertwine with this other person, and then you can lose track of how that fits into the rest of the garden of your life.


Recently I've been toying with the idea of giving up sex for a wee bit, let relationships settle, focus on platonic friendships and how I relate to friends non-sexually... A sexual detox if you will.

But then I think, the real problem is, we all don't have enough sex with each other ;)

No, no, not really. It's just that, sometimes, when I get close to someone, sometimes, I want to touch, I want to taste, I want to be really into them and feel what they're like as an animal. It's part curiosity, part desire, and sometimes in a roundabout way part disgust, or wanting to understand my own revulsion (I haven't teased out that latter thought much, it's more a vague inkling of an aspect that's sometimes there)... Also sometimes I just want to be good to someone and make them feel good. And I don't get why sex sometimes seems to be more problematic than other kinds of things I want to do. Like, what am I missing here?

Well, anyway, I'm enjoying figuring this out experimentally :D
Short version: things are really, really good.

I could go into a longer version. That would probably be more informative. Hmm.

Oh well.

A couple of days ago I received this in a really sweet e-mail from a friend, inviting me to her housewarming:

you're welcome to show up any time and bring people like Ocean or Grotto if you like. Other fuchka-approved people are also welcome, but not too many of them so we can make sure everyone fits if it's raining.

Aww :eek:
I just have to say that I loved reading your blog thread, thank you for sharing it with us.
Hi, GreenMom. Thanks for your encouraging comment.

I haven't had too much time for reading or writing on this forum lately. It's been a bit ?!?! in relationship-land.

Had a good conversation with Ocean yesterday about life plans... We have some friends visiting soon that I'm very much looking forward to catching up with. I'm feeling like putting down roots. Either that, or consciously pulling up roots, being more nomadic. I think I need to figure out which mode to be in; I'm not much good with the middle ground. It seems wrong.


Having relationships with three let's-make-life-together! lovers is odd. It's not that I run out of time or energy in general (funnily enough), it's just... hmm... I guess it's the complexity of it. In particular, strange dynamics between Grotto and Lobe and me... ugh. That's what I don't have energy for. On the other hand, I need to have energy for that, if that's what we're doing. If it only works in perfect conditions, it's too fragile.

It would take more time than I have to go into the details about what's been going on. To summarise: after months of trying his best to be okay with things, Grotto realised he really wasn't. He needed me to break up with Lobe. I couldn't do that. Grotto and I broke up, but then we got back together. And now, we're together but it's very up and down.

I'm not sure if things are getting worse or getting better. A lot of Grotto's friends think he should break up with me, heal up, have a better life with someone else, "give me an ultimatum" etc... They can tell he's upset about things, and deeply unhappy.

As for me, I just want a decision either way. Grotto knows me. He knows what I'm like and what's going on. If he wants in, I need a wholehearted yes. If not, I need him to do us both a favour and cut loose.

I'm considering doing the latter for him.
Oh I am sorry to read that things went that way with Grotto. But you are a strong woman and know your own mind, and it is good that you did not end it with Lobe to appease Grotto - doing so would not have enabled Grotto to take responsibility for his feelings and thoughts about it. Although, I know it must have been rough for a while, for all of you.

Whatever happens, I am sure you will handle it with maturity, will take care of yourself and the people in your life as best as you know how, and face your journey with grace and aplomb.
One more round

nycindie – For some reason, I didn't get e-mail notification of your reply, so I only saw it now. Thank you so much for your words. Even though we have only connected through this forum, I feel supported, encouraged and understood by you! It means a lot to me. Thanks.

Grotto and I are going to counselling. Well, so far I have had my individual session, and he will have his on Tuesday. After that, we'll go to appointments together. My session went well. I was a little apprehensive, as I haven't had much experience with going to a counsellor. But I decided to relax, be honest and open and let the professional lead me through the session. The counsellor is poly-friendly (and poly herself) and seemed insightful. Hopefully by the end of this process, Grotto and I will have a clear direction, whatever that may be.

We are taking some space from each other at the moment. I haven't seen Grotto since last Friday morning. It's been... nice. I've had moments of missing him, but mostly I'm enjoying the calmness. I think he's been doing pretty well too.

Before that, it had gotten rather grotty. We had closeness and clarity, but only fleetingly, like railway stations your train slows down for but doesn't stop at. Grotto's been extremely depressed, suicidal at times. I've been caring, but also cautious. There's a limit to how helpful I can be to him. When he reaches out for me... I don't know. It's like he's reaching for a comfort food that he knows might not be good for him, but he just needs it. He'll deal with any consequences later.

Perhaps it's demanding of me, but I can't roll with that anymore. I need open-eyed consent. Not low-lids under bedsheets we can think about this tomorrow. Yeah, okay, Gentleness and Joy gives you energy to do the hard work of Processing and Planning. I get that. But this has been skirting into Avoidance too often and too long to be healthy.

Thing is, it frightens Grotto to look at it front on. He rarely can see a workable future with me being with Lobe. It twists him up in too many ways; it feels wrong. On the other hand, his world falls apart if he thinks of me not being in it. He's been that way in other relationships, too, as far as I can tell. Adoring girlfriends to the point of idolisation. A hyperbolic love that can feel more thematic than real. I don't want to be idolised. I want to be seen and loved for what I am. Divine but also dirt.

Perhaps Grotto needs to be with someone who can't live without him, who goes crazy with the thought of breaking up. Much as I don't want to break up with him, and would be sad about that, even depressed for a while... it wouldn't cut my heart out. Partly I think he knows that, and fears it. He feels entitled to better, or at least, he feels he's been short-changed. “Look how much I love you!”, I'm the loser because I care the most.” etc.

By disrespecting his boundary (ie, Don'tGetWithMyCloseFriends), I proved by my actions that I didn't care about him enough. This is the rift that happened 15 months ago now (around June last year), when I had sex with Lobe. There've been a few things since then that have added to the baggage, but that's the gist of it.

I had desire for Lobe. I don't think I can be blamed for that. But on the night in question, I acted on those desires rather than my desire to show love and care to Grotto. That pulled the magic carpet out from under him, and he tumbled into the city.


There have been a few cycles, now, of forgiveness followed by resentment building up again. Grotto wants to let it go, but maybe he can't. As for me, I can love him and be loyal to him, but I can't break up with Lobe. So: if we both want something different from what the other can give, we need to get off this ferris wheel. Or: maybe counselling will finally unlock this in a way for there to be genuine healing between us. Stay tuned :)
The bind

One thing I didn't acknowledge in my previous post is the particular challenges for Grotto, of me being with Lobe. If Grotto and I break up over this, it will be so much worse for him because I'm with Lobe. In his social circle, the story will be “Grotto lost to Lobe”, or something like that. At the same time, Grotto will have lost a friendship he values, well, two if you count me. I'd like to think we could all stay friends, but I'm not sure that would be possible. Things are almost too ugly for that, now.

Anyway, in this scenario (me being with Lobe), Grotto is vulnerable to a serious, compound loss. It's this precise predicament he has come to realise he wanted to avoid all along, when his intuitions were strong against me being with a close friend of his in the first place. He made an exception for Lobe, in good faith, but since then has realised his boundary against this maybe not be one he can shift. He feels trapped in a situation he never wanted to be in. He feels he made a massive mistake in giving this the green light.

I know this happens now and then for monogamous folks, too. People fall in love with their partner's friends, or even siblings. I guess taboos function to protect people from the potential mess of this. I've joked with Grotto about him writing (e.g. a blog on here) about his experiences through this. A suggested title: “Risk, retrospect, regret.” It's not that funny, though. We could be fucked beyond redemption here.

That said, I know that – however this pans out – we'll flourish as people. Yes, even if we can't be friends.
nycindie – For some reason, I didn't get e-mail notification of your reply, so I only saw it now. Thank you so much for your words. Even though we have only connected through this forum, I feel supported, encouraged and understood by you! It means a lot to me. Thanks.
You are quite welcome! I admit, I do admire you greatly. You are so brave and truthful, and you express yourself in ways I wish I could. Sometimes I feel like I am reading poetry that just cuts through all the bullshit. I hope you know what I mean.

When he reaches out for me... I don't know. It's like he's reaching for a comfort food that he knows might not be good for him, but he just needs it. He'll deal with any consequences later.

Perhaps it's demanding of me, but I can't roll with that anymore. I need open-eyed consent. Not low-lids under bedsheets we can think about this tomorrow. Yeah, okay, Gentleness and Joy gives you energy to do the hard work of Processing and Planning. I get that. But this has been skirting into Avoidance too often and too long to be healthy.

Thing is, it frightens Grotto to look at it front on.
Ah, this sounds so familiar to me. Avoidance can be so tempting, so easy, and it lurks just behind letting go and just taking things easy for all the good reasons. We - or rather, I - have to be so careful to be aware and know myself enough to recognize the difference between actively relaxing and enjoying myself and when I am indulging in something to avoid an important issue. Uggghhh. It's all about being a grown-up and awake.

I want to be seen and loved for what I am. Divine but also dirt.
I love this! I want to hang it on my wall!
Casting on again

Well, I've been quiet for a good while. Not sure if I can pick up where I left off, or if there's any point. Maybe I will just start again!

I'm living with Ocean, the bearded philosopher, and we're good! We don't see a whole lot of each other, but our relationship works fine. It's a wonderfully durable part of the machinery of both our lives. We probably do take it for granted sometimes, and that's partly the joy of it of course. Plus I'm not exactly sure how much and what kind of maintenance is required, anyway. At the moment I think we are just fortunate to get what we need, without much effort, during the natural flow of our days: the comfort of domesticity and occasional dates.

Ocean's seeing someone else at the moment, too, who he met online. It's been a few weeks now. He seems very mellow about it, which is great. I haven't met her yet. I feel pretty neutral about it. Well, I'm super happy for him! Sometimes more excited than he is, ha :D But yeah, I personally am in no rush to catch up with her, nor am I particularly disinclined. I've had a lot of my own stuff going on, so maybe I'm saving that til whenever it happens on its own accord.

Mm. So, "my own stuff":

* Grotto (partner for 5 1/2 years, the last 18 months particularly volatile) and I have broken up. It wasn't a clean break like being beheaded by a razor-edged guillotine. It was the slow hacking off that people have to do when they're out in the wilderness with their arm stuck under a rock, and all they have is a sharp knife then a blunt knife and then other, smaller rocks.

I tried my best. I was sad, but it had to happen.

In the few weeks since we broke up, Grotto's done some reflecting and I think he's starting to see his part in it whereas before he was clouded by various emotions. It's funny; if he'd had this clarity even a month ago? I'd be open to talking more. But now I'm actually Happy. Like, I'm feeling so good. This awful thing which drained me... is gone. I'm starting to feel better, healthier. I have no reason to go back. (At least that's how I feel now!)

He's not a devil and I'm not an angel, but - wow - we'd gotten into a really dysfunctional place. It's a poly cautionary tale for sure. Perhaps I'll tell it that way, sometime. For now, I'm letting that rest.

* Lobe and I are still seeing each other, kind of? He's a close friend of Grotto's and things got ugly between them especially towards the end of my relationship with Grotto. I hooked up with Lobe coming on 2 years ago now. Since me breaking up with Grotto, Lobe and Grotto had some conversations... Grotto was basically losing his mind, and Lobe agreed to a 3-month split from me in order to give Grotto room to heal. Not exactly sure what the scope of the split is... Lobe doesn't know either. He kept it vague and intended to stay true to the spirit of it somehow without having to agree on any specifics. Hmm, so I guess I'm negotiating that right now. But seems likely I won't see Lobe for 3 months. (Today is Day Five. Yeah, I'm counting.)

Eh, I guess that's what happens when relationships are intertwingled like this. The fall out has multiple parts to it, and it can take some time.

Lobe and I are still long-distance. We were seeing each other fairly frequently through, every 2-4 weeks. He's planning to move down to the city where I live, more or less at the end of this quarantine period. I'm looking forward to seeing him again, and even more looking forward to not being long distance anymore!

Eventually (not straight away), Ocean, Lobe and I are going to try living together and seeing how that will work. I think it would be much more viable if we also lived with other people too. Guess it would depend on finding a place that suited and other people who would be into it. Just the three of us might be too strange? I'm not sure. All things to work out by and by.

In non-relationship-news, I am about to start a new job. It's at the same place I've been working at, but under different management (which will ease 60-70% of my frustrations at work) and also in a different role, one which I'm more enthused about. Looking forward to that. It's a 2 year contract, which gives me some medium-term stability re: my home base, at least!

Ocean's main contract here ends in September, and he has some casual teaching work til the end of the year. After that he's got a small chance of permanent work if he manages to get a few 'performance indicators' under his belt. Really hoping for that, cos that's why we're here... to see if he can make a living doing his vocation. Regardless, he'll have given a good go of it.
Great to hear from you, fuchka! Sorry to hear about the break-up though. :( But it also sounds like it was the right decision. Good luck with the job and potential moving-in with Lobe, hope everything goes well. :)
Thanks nycindie and Mya for your kind replies. I've been avoiding posting here recently because Grotto read my last post and it hurt him. I didn't realise he was following me here. I guess I have to assume he is reading this too, which creates a strange resonance. I want to walk away from it, but it's hard.

My new job's been good. It's got challenging aspects but it's all pretty achievable for me - which I'm glad for. The workplace itself is a little further from my previous role, and it's been going on 2 hrs' commute each way on public transport. I'll start to make the most of it, though. And sometimes I'll need to drive for work so that'll break it up a bit.

Don't really feel like I can talk about relationship stuff on here right now. I might have to abandon this blog, at least for a while. Take it easy, folks.
Safe flight

I still feel shaky about writing here, but I'm also feeling the need to reclaim space. I know it's in my head but hey, that's reality for me!

I was thinking how I've never had a break-up like this, then it struck me that break ups can be as unique as relationships themselves. There are echoes and refrains, and you can compare notes, but in the end it's a song performed live and the back-up band has never met before.

A lover once asked me "have you ever had your heart broken?" Hmm. I'm still not sure. I've been hurt in relationships, most definitely, and felt betrayed, but heart broken?

It doesn't sound like a clear enough definition for me to understand. Perhaps I will know it when I feel it.

I've had a similar confusion around the concept of "being in love". It's sometimes talked about as an all-important thing. Oh, you love them, sure, but are you in love? Ahhhh... I don't know! I tend to feel elation in bursts. Yes, I might long to see someone, I might feel my heart race when they appear, when they touch me. All these are heady and enjoyable emotions, but hardly seem relevant when I consider the people I choose to be intimate with.

What I crave most are the solid plaits of rope made slowly by hand, knot after tight knot, for a swing hung from a tree branch. I can trust that.
Another new moon

I mark time by the moon's eye
blinking from full to shut to open again.

Weeks of nights of loving you; I have bled
more than twenty times. A score.

The city lights obscure most stars, save
a scattered few. These ones are strong enough

to remind me of the millions. Above. I have been
close to clouds, taking off and landing.

I have seen the black ink ocean and the coast
awash with urban glow worms. Deep in the bat cave,

total darkness when the guide turned off the torch.
A moment, but in it I kissed your arm

with my whole heart. Madness
catches those who dare

stay here too long alone.
You cannot tell the hours passing.
Quick update on my lunch break! Coming to terms with my own and other's imperfections. My nana liked to say "Judge not and you shall not be judged". Over the years I've come to learn that forgiving yourself often goes hand in hand with forgiving others.

I like myself, and I feel lucky to be able to say that. I genuinely like myself! :)

I also can slip into holes of (sometimes suicidal) depression, overwhelmed by feeling like I always fuck everything up. I try my best but all I end up doing is cause damage or pain, or make things complicated. I'd be better off dead.

I've gone through those dark places enough times to mostly see it for what it is: the cold forest of the night, which eventually will pass.

I'm gentle with myself but am I gentle enough with other people?

Ocean's still mostly depressed. He's been on meds for the past couple of years. For a while he was stopping and starting them, which could suddenly make his moods plunge. I think after a while he'll be wanting to wean himself off the meds, maybe go to counselling. Occasionally I really feel the drain of it on me. I have a friend who has an even more intense situation with her partner, and I see shadows of the same with me.

I'm glad at least that Ocean is wonderful, and sensitive, and... okay... perfect. He's pretty perfect. I adore him and I hope to be with him for many more years. We just clocked over nine years. Soon we're heading away for three weeks on a family holiday (with my parents and siblings). Looking forward to spending quality time with him.

Post-break-up stuff with Grotto is mostly mellow. Some spurts of blech but quite peaceful in the main. I hear he's doing well, and I am too. The limited contact we've had has been mixed. Probably need some solid time apart. He says he isn't reading this blog anymore, but I guess I have to assume he is. It's funny how much I felt censored by that... On the other hand, I like this forum community and this blog space and I am reluctant to abandon it.

I expect that anyone reading my blog would manage their own shit. If they read something they were confused about, they'd ask me. Or if they read something that hurt them, they would understand that it's my perspective, my space and it wasn't directed at them personally. If I have something personal to say, I would say it directly. This blog isn't a coded message to anyone. I'm also open to respectful comments on my blog. So... *shrug*

I've had a partner who was upset to hear that I blogged about my relationships on a public forum. I have thought quite a bit about the ethics of it, particularly through this break-up. I know some people on this forum have shared their approaches, e.g. keeping the blog private from partners, or having protocols around discussing potentially sensitive topics.

I suppose I would never blog about something I wouldn't want my partners to know. And if it's something I need to discuss with a partner, I would talk to them first, I guess? I don't know.

Apart from here, I write a lot for myself privately. Particularly recently I've kept personal journals that I haven't shared with anyone. Plus I know I can always blog in friends-only spaces too. I considered doing that more, but I thought - you know what? I like this forum. I like reading other people's stories here and sharing my own. There is precious little community that I connect with around these kinds of topics, and I want to be here.

I know Grotto could be upset to read about my continuing relationship with Lobe. I do care about Grotto, and don't want to hurt him unnecessarily, but maybe it's fair enough to expect him to just not read if he doesn't want to know.


Things with Lobe are good, by the way :) More news later, though. Small steps.