Friends in exes

1234567 said:
I was wanting any collective wisdom from people who had made friends successfully from an ex situation that involved a jealous partner, or could provide a perspective. It’s a path I haven’t done before, but one I suspect would be fruitful.
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For what it is worth, I don't make friends with ex-partners. Either we have enough in common that we end up having some form of a relationship even after we separate (mutual friends circles or ex-husband being my son's father, etc) or there is no contact at all, unless for some necessary reason and it is very brief and formal.

I personally don't believe in wasting time and emotional space on ex-partners. They are ex for a reason. It didn't work out. There is absolutely no reason to court a second heartbreak again.

If an ex wanted to be friends, I'd probably agree to avoid drama, but I wouldn't act on it. Even if I didn't have a jealous new partner.

I am a very busy person and it is important for me to spend my time on people who are CURRENTLY important in my life. My current partner/s, my child, my hobbies, my responsibilities, my profession, my social causes, whatever. Everything that I really value will be enriched by my attention. There is no reason to spend it on someone who has walked out of my life (or I kicked him out) at the cost of having less for the things that I am currently nurturing.
 
anamikanon said:
For what it is worth, I don't make friends with ex-partners. Either we have enough in common that we end up having some form of a relationship even after we separate (mutual friends circles or ex-husband being my son's father, etc) or there is no contact at all, unless for some necessary reason and it is very brief and formal.

I personally don't believe in wasting time and emotional space on ex-partners. They are ex for a reason. It didn't work out. There is absolutely no reason to court a second heartbreak again.

If an ex wanted to be friends, I'd probably agree to avoid drama, but I wouldn't act on it. Even if I didn't have a jealous new partner.

I am a very busy person and it is important for me to spend my time on people who are CURRENTLY important in my life. My current partner/s, my child, my hobbies, my responsibilities, my profession, my social causes, whatever. Everything that I really value will be enriched by my attention. There is no reason to spend it on someone who has walked out of my life (or I kicked him out) at the cost of having less for the things that I am currently nurturing.
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I am the same way, I will maintain loose ties with exes to avoid drama and maintain a healthy professional environment for those that I run into via my career, but I do not maintain friendships with lovers after a relationship fails. I have no desire for a broad friend group and gravitate toward a few close connections at a time. I guess im introverted…

As fate would have it I tend to fall into the dynamic of opposites attract, and typically connect with extroverts who have a broad friend group, including exes. My girlfriend Abby is in contact with almost all of her exes, and at times I struggle to relate. She is even Facebook friends with a one night fling she had 3 years ago in the Caribbean, he messages her on FB every few months and she has no idea what to say to him. In my mind I cannot comprehend her desire to maintain a connection with him.

I can relate to what Holly might be going through (thank you, Gala for the summary!). In a perfect relationship, Holly wouldn’t be controlling Fern like that, but outside of this online utopia of clear and precise rational behavior, is real world relationships; and they are imperfect.

If I were in your position, which would be very unlikely for me, I think I could support Fern in making whatever final decision is best for her, and if that decision works for you, viola; if it doesn’t you do what is best for you. Worrying about their relationship, and why Holly behaves this way does, is an udder waste of your precious energy.
 
I am friends with several of my exes, though they are mostly long distance so it's not like we are constantly in each other's lives. Some exes I will not speak to.

I think it's fairly common for mono people to freak out over their partner being friends with an ex. I know Mary's husband doesn't like it. I don't think it makes much sense for poly people to freak out, unless that ex was a cowgirl/cowboy type.

If I had had a problem with Cat being friends with exes we probably would have had to move to a whole different area lol.

Bottom line is if my ex allowed their partner to dictate who they could be friends with I would shrug it off and move on. Not my circus.
 
Just want to point out that, for those posters who don't personally believe in remaining friends with exes, you are operating from a very different philosophy than 1234567. It's perfectly fine to believe that "an ex is an ex" and to need your relationships to be "truly over" when they're over. But not everybody approaches relationships that way. Some people feel more fluid about the distinction between friendships & romantic relationships.

It took me quite a while to figure this out, but now "friends with exes" is an essential trait that I seek out in partners. I believe that the way people feel about exes, in general, in a philosophical sense, is a huge part of someone's approach to dating & relationships, as important as being mono or poly.

I don't think it's wrong to reject the idea of "friends with exes"--just like it's not wrong to be monogamous. Some things are right for some people, and other things are right for other people.

(And of course it's often a good idea to get an ex out of your life--that's not what I'm talking about here).

For me, part of being poly means that I can keep loving my exes even after we have decided to end the sexual part of our relationship. I was initially surprised to learn that not all poly people feel this way! But, of course, plenty of poly people want serious, romantic partnerships and feel no need to keep an ex-partner in their life as a friend unless circumstances demand it (shared children, etc).

I've found that people who identify as practicing RA (relationship anarchy) usually are "friends with exes people." So, that label helped me connect with other people who enjoy fluid boundaries around friendship/sex/romance.

There is nothing wrong with wanting clear boundaries around friendship vs. romance. But, 1234567 has said they feel/identify toward RA, so I think that means that they are approaching relationships from that kind of philosophy of fluidity.

That doesn't necessarily change the specific advice for 1234567's specific case. It sounds like the ex-girlfriend chose to be monogamous with a girlfriend who isn't comfortable with 1234567 being in their lives. So, okay, nothing 1234567 can do about that--don't waste any time on a friendship that isn't going to go anywhere.

But don't give up on your desire to find partners who believe in staying in each other's CURRENT lives even if the romantic/sexual relationship doesn't work out. You might want to consider seeking out that trait specifically in future partners (but also be prepared for a post-dating friendship to not work out).

What I liked best about my current partner, when I first met him, was that he was still close to his ex who had moved across the country. They talked weekly, he went to visit her once a year, he sent her flowers when she had surgery, he was excited to go to her wedding someday. I liked that he still cared about her, still talked about her, and had fond memories of their time together.

It was quite different from how my own exes felt about me--even if things didn't end badly, they'd stop talking to me and refuse to put any effort into a friendship. Sometimes people need to do that to move on. But other times, they just "agree to friendship to avoid drama" and then don't act on it, rather than being honest about their feelings/beliefs.

Sometimes it takes a lot of work and processing to develop a friendship with an ex. Sometimes it's not worth all that effort. But, polyamory itself takes a lot of effort/work/processing, so much so that mono people often reject poly for that reason.

Just some food for thought.
 
I sort of look at that as a barometer. Do I really want to be with someone who's relationships always crash and burn? Sometimes an ex is an ex because things didn't work out in a practical sense. That doesn't mean we hated each other.

I think the OP is more about third party control in a relationship than should exes be friends.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am going to sum up. I might get it wrong. You correct me if I miss anything.

But to me here are the highlights as I see them. I quote just to visually block it off.



In your other thread, you were asking how to make better use of forums and improve your communication. I think writing more organized could help you get what you need more quickly. Not using nicknames and the ruminating writing style are fine... but if you choose that style then you have to accept that it might take people longer to "get" what you are trying to say. It can be hard to follow. I've been having a very hard time keeping up.

You might consider having a blog thread where you work out your thoughts in "rough draft" and then post a summary to Poly Corner when they have come together more clearly. That could be another way to use the boards.

EXTRA DATA CONFUSION

I see that in writing you realized you are more RA, and then you were thinking about your ex-spouse and his friend.

You seem to be in a "take stock of my life" mindset. That is fine to do.

But I do not think it helps to keep the focus of this particular thread tight if you pile data from many life areas into it. I think some confusion entered there. You could keep one main thought per thread to help responders reply to you better.

YOU know your life story and how it all fits together. Others do not.

WORD USE CONFUSION

I think there might be a another confusion happening here.

I think part of the confusion in your posts are the words "agreements" and "personal boundaries." You seem to use them interchangeably. Are they the same to you? Perhaps taking a moment to calibrate word use is helpful here. They are different to me. And perhaps to other posters.



To me? That is an agreement between you and Fern (your ex gf). To me? That is not a personal boundary you set up for yourself to obey.



You have recently arrived at a new personal boundary. That you don't want to get in the middle of other people's things and leave you in a crossfire. That part to me is the personal boundary.

Other people don't have to obey it. They might even try to suck you into their drama. But YOU could obey it and stay out of it.

Other people do not have to agree with where you draw your limits. But you don't draw them to help them. You set up personal boundaries to help keep you safe and free from shenanigans. You draw them and stick with them to help YOU.

CONCLUSION

I think it is fine to step back and let Fern and Holly sort out whatever. You don't have to be involved in all that. You could obey your new boundary.

If/when Fern actually has it together and is actually able to be friends with you, be friends who hang out at that point in time.

For now, just be good exes who don't hang out as friends.

Hope that helps some.

Galagirl
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Thanks- that is incredibly helpful. that is very much it.

On the extra info comment- I’m still trying to figure out when I start another thread and when not to. Someone asked me to NOT start as many threads last lot of pists to facilitate keeping info together. But I see when I get tangential, it gets confusing and people give up.

Any insight as to where to break helpful.
 
You have to figure out when to start a new thread.

But I suppose one guideline could have been keep all the "Apple and Banana" stuff together. Because it is THAT group of people.

And all the "Fern and Holly" stuff together. Because that is a different group of people.

And with the original thread post listing what people you are talking about in THIS thread with some made up nicknames.

With you doing so many threads, I thought it all of them were related to the "Apple and Banana" group. It took me a bit to realize this was a different group.

Maybe you could use a general template when starting a thread. Like...

  • WHO (The people you talk about on THIS thread are with made up nicknames.)
  • WHAT (The main issue or problem is for this thread.)
  • WHEN (List events related to the main issue in chronological order like a time line if relevant.)
  • WHERE (Where this is happening if relevant to the main topic. If it is local, LDR, all live in the same house, separate houses, etc.)
  • WHY (Why this thing is bothering you, you think it is happening, etc)
  • HOW (How you want forum people to help you. If you need advice, encouragement, etc. What do you need?)

I think people here are pretty generous with their time. But making it easier to read could help you get more effective responses and less reader confusion.

Galagirl
 
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I am one of those who found the OP difficult to interpret, and for that reason felt unable to offer advice.

For what's it's worth, 1234567, I've been a member of the forum since July last year, and in that time have started maybe a handful of threads --- ALL of which pertain in some way to my relationship/s with my current co-primary partners, Jester and Boho (I am the hinge in our "V").

I use these nicknames throughout my posts, so that readers are left in no doubt as to WHO I am talking about.

I also find it helpful to make a new thread in Relationships Corner ONLY when a new and very specific conundrum presents itself. (Ex: When I needed advice on how to handle a threesome-gone-wrong... or when I was in a quandary over which partner to marry in order to gain citizenship.)

On the other hand, if I just want to vent, share, debrief or work out my own thoughts on a subject, I tend to use the BLOG section.

Perhaps your latest dilemma could have best be put to the forum as a question of ethics or poly etiquette in the General Poly Discussion section, seeing the issue of staying close friends with an ex, or multiple exes, seems to crop up even more in poly circles than it does in the monogamous world, probably due both to the nature of poly itself AND to the more insular nature of associated scenes and groups (poly dating sites, munches, sex parties, the kink scenes etc.)

As for staying friends with exes... I myself don't have any hard and fast rules, however I tend NOT to want to stay in the lives of people I've dated. I'm good friends with my ex husband because we still co-own a property and we have two kids together. On the other hand, I didn't have any contact with my previous "ex" for two decades, until fairly recently. My male partner, Jester, however... is still in contact with practically every woman he's ever slept with, no matter how casually. Some of them are close friends, others just "facebook friends" or the like. I personally do not see the point, and it CAN be a source of aggravation, but I try not to let it bother me too much.
 
Early in my tenure here, I repeatedly had threads moved from general to relationships by admins because they started general— and then they got specific when started asking questions


But I do think a blog is a good idea.
 
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