From Solo to Primary, has it been done?

N

Noyse

Member
I've always insisted on polyamorous relationship since I started seriously dated people, and I've had 3 generally good relationships as a secondary. I've hit my mid 20s, and I guess I'm realizing that I want someone more akin to a primary than what I've had before.

I have a pretty awesome polycule made up of mostly platonic friends. While I've never had a problem fitting people whom viewed me as a secondary, I worry about looking for someone to 'settle down with' with my network in place.

So many people seen to come into with a main relationship, is what I want feasible?
 
I've never seen polycule used to describe a network of platonic friends. Also, being solo doesn't mean you can't have a primary relationship, or do you mean more of a nesting partner. Either way I wouldn't imagine it would be a problem if you find the right person.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I've never seen polycule used to describe a network of platonic friends.
Click to expand...

It's made up of primarily of Relationship Anarchy poly people, so lines get blurry, like my former roommate/Boston Wife/emergency contact person, or human whom I have have an agreement with to always send 'good night' and 'good morning' texts to when we're feeling lonely.
 
I've transitioned from being unintentionally solo-poly to very intentionally being solo-poly to now being in a primary relationship. Like you, I also have a polycule of a mix of different kinds of relationships (including a non-romantic Very Important Person/chosen family who is always considered in most of my major life decisions). So yes, it is possible.

I met my current primary partner when they started dating another close member of the network. We began dating and our relationship gradually became more and more intertwined to something of a life partnership. I think the key factors that allowed it to grow were:
  • We both happened to have the same availability to give space for the relationship to grow (which is very much the luck of the draw)
  • My partner started off not really being a member of the polycule, but managed to fit in well, forging and building their own relationships and friendships within it. It was important for me to know that if I'm intertwining my life with someone and becoming chosen family, it wouldn't necessarily have to compartmentalise me from the rest of my chosen family. (This isn't the best model for everyone, though)
  • I had made a personal internal shift around what types of relationships I was open to and available for. This meant that for a time, I didn't invest a lot of energy into building relationships with people already in primary style relationships.

Hope that helps!
 
I agree with vinsanity. I don't see it as a contradiction that I am solo poly with a primary partner. I reflect on the primary as being the longest and most invested relationship. But we don't live together.
 
Hello Noyse,

You seem to be asking, can a solo polyamorist transition into a primary partner. I don't have any personal experience with this, but my gut feeling is that it should certainly be possible, if it's what you want, I can't imagine why it wouldn't be possible. Of course it would help if your primary was part of your polycule.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
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