Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

My brain is so fragmented and scattered lately! The Corona virus is having a very real effect on the community and my Blessing Box. I did a dinner giveaway today, and more than half picked up, so tomorrow I should have about 5 people left to get their meal. I also did an unannounced lunch giveaway, for families with kids home. Everyone got a bag of apples, a box of Little Debbie cakes, peanut butter & jelly, a box of those handi-snack things you dip into cheese, and a loaf of bread. It went really well. I have another lunch giveaway happening tomorrow or Tuesday - it will be posted and announced, it just depends when my donors show up with the items for it! I bought 50 packs of lunch meat, and I have 6-packs of applesauce to pair with it, but a donor is bringing the bread needed, as well as bags of baby carrots and 20 more boxes of Little Debbies.
 
PunkRock is home all week, packing. He says he has two applications out now - on the same street where my son used to live. It’s a really crappy section of town, lots of mice and roaches and bedbugs. I feel bad that’s where he may end up. He says both are on the fourth floor of the building in question. Walk-ups. Lots of car break-ins. Not dangerous, just not a good address. When he was telling me the street, I couldn’t help but think how much he must really hate me, to actually want to leave me for that kind of life.

That said, he talked to me for about 15 minutes today about various things going on - and it was like a chat with a store clerk. I had zero feelings. Like, none. It felt wrong and bizarre, but I felt good afterward - like a relief? Last week I couldn’t look at him, hear his door creak or see his car without feeling intense anger. Now it’s just nothing.

That said, a few minutes ago I started feeling really sad again. But not for what I lost - not for what was gone from our past. More like sadness for what we won’t have in the future. I donated the shirt he bought me a few months ago to the Blessing Box today. It said *Always* - a Harry Potter reference. He surprised me with it last year. I guess his definition differs from mine. I couldn’t look at it last week, hanging in my closet. I couldn’t wear that! So into the donation bin in the porch this morning. It was gone within 45 minutes. Kind of like our relationship.

The last two times I have marathoned Harry Potter, it was with PunkRock. Tonight, DarkKnight started watching it with me. We figure with the quarantine, we can watch an episode each evening, including the Fantastic Beasts movies. I’m going to take it back. The way to get past old memories is to make new ones. So that’s what I’m doing.
 
Oof.

Well, he talked to me more today - just really friendly. He got the apartment and will be moving out March 26. He went out and brought me back lunch today, and then spent the afternoon shopping for the Blessing Box. I’m like, wtf is this? I kind of get the feeling he is feeling sad and guilty, but HE DID THIS. He chose to throw me away.

Tonight I sent him a long text, telling him though I appreciate the friendliness, I cannot be his friend. I seriously can’t handle that right now. I have lost my best friend and my soulmate, and whatever he seems to be attempting to replace it with is not something I am okay with right now.

I’m getting teary and crying at odd times again now. This isn’t okay.

Actually, today was an emotional disaster for me. So many people panicking, crying, melting down over messages and in person on my porch today. People are having a rough time right now. The governor closed down all restaurants and bars and gyms today. AntMan is out of a job because of this. I am worried how this will effect his sobriety and his depression.

And I am on my period. I keep thinking I must have somehow slipped into this alternate reality. Why is everything so wrong all of a sudden?

Good things are going on though, I guess. My OKCupid inbox is healthy, at least. Like for real! I am chatting with at least 4 guys that I have a legitimate interest in - 2 I am getting kind of squee over, to be honest. One I may have to name soon! In a normal world I would have gone and met him already. Oh, well, I am not sure if squee is the right emotion here. I don’t think that’s entirely accurate. I don’t know if I can raise to the level of squee yet. But it’s good news and some good feels.

Guy 1 talks a lot about his life and he is totally chill with me taking all the time I need with my PunkRock emotional roller coaster. He is widowed as of 5 months ago, so he said he gets it. We actually belonged to the same private Facebook poly group which we both realized after talking a bit, and then we connected on their discord server. He’s totally my type at a glance - bigger, strong, bearded. Judging by photos a little smaller than PunkRock, but not skinny. Has his hair! Lol We became Facebook friends since we knew each other’s names already, and he seems like a decent person. We match up really well with our kinks on FetLife.

I don’t know if he gets how broken I am though.

I haven’t been horny since the split. I can’t even describe this feeling. Is this how regular people feel all the time? I take back all the times I wished for a low libido. I want me back so bad!

My trust was always shaky. Now it’s nonexistent. I started questioning DarkKnight in my mind today - what if he’s pretending? What if he’s faking it? I started crying while on the toilet and he came in and sat on the edge of the bathtub and explained that he isn’t going anywhere. I’m like, PunkRock told me to my FACE that we were solid. That he loved me and that he would always be there to support me. That I had nothing to worry about. Again, “always” has a different definition now.

I have never deserved DarkKnight. I do so even less now. He’s my heart though. If I lost him right now I just would cease to exist.
 
Wow- I'm surprised that you feel like chatting on OKC already! I know it's totally none of my business but don't you worry that you're a bit on the rebound or looking for some positivity rather than a healthy relationship? I mean, you haven't even untangled from PunkRock yet.

I know I've been feeling pretty crazy too since the world is going nuts so I can totally get grabbing onto every little bit of happiness... but do you really think you're ready to date?
 
Ready to date? No. Ready to chat? Yes. I am always on the lookout for positivity. I don’t see that as a bad thing at all. I don’t want a rebound relationship, so I already had put on some self-imposed limitations for me and dating apps. Those remain for me.

I know myself fairly well. I mean, I didn’t date for a solid year after I broke up with WarMan. That’s how long it took me to feel right again. And, I haven’t dated for over a year leading up til now, due to my daughter’s drug issues and PunkRock’s alcoholism. I’ve been focusing on me this entire time - trying to get my shit together, when trying to deal with the emotional overload these things were causing me to feel.

So is my shit together yet? Fuck no. I’m up and down and all over the place. I’m going to continue to focus on positive interactions, self care and working through things in my head, and out loud. I don’t believe I am ready to date anyone in a healthy way. I am up front with everyone messaging me, and it’s the first thing in my profile. However - do I think it’s going to take a year for me to recover? Guys, I don’t feel like I will recover. This feels like a soul-deep violation of my person. I can’t even explain the depth of my despair. My focus is not going to be recovering from loving PunkRock. Instead, it’s on ordering myself and my life for whatever comes next. I do think I can accomplish that.
 
This disaster with Punk Rock reminds me a bit of redpepper being totally betrayed by her incredibly misnamed bf Mono, back a few years ago. I don't know if you ever read her blog here. She's just been checking in a bit again lately, and it's been years, and she's still traumatized by his duplicity. :mad:

I can understand you talking to guys, because 1) you're the most extroverted person on planet earth, and 2) with all the mess with PR, and your daughter and her bf, and the stress of running the Box, and now this damn disease, it's nice to just chat about pleasant things, and mildly flirt, I reckon.
 
With all Punk Rock put into that house I'm surprised to find he's a renter and not a co-owner. I admit, I wonder how that might have left him feeling he wasn't really a husband if one husband was an owner and the other a renter. Does he get any equity for all he contributed both financially and in the work he put into improving the place?

I do think you should be careful about jumping too quickly into a new relationship.
 
DarkKnight has excellent credit and he also had the entire down payment for the house when we bought it. We had paperwork that in 5 years time, due to the “sweat equity” PunkRock put in, he would become a full, equal owner of the property. Anything less than 5 years - there was no partial credit given. It was all or nothing, as DarkKnight was bankrolling the upgrades and repairs to the home in this time frame, and we wanted to make sure things were fair. We discussed this at every State of the Union meeting, and at no time did PunkRock or DarkKnight express an issue with the paperwork or the process. We were planning to refinance and add PunkRock to the title at 5 years time. It’s only been 3 years, so he is walking away with nothing.

You have to remember that DarkKnight was not dating PunkRock. He wanted to protect his own interests, but still be fair.

Financially, DarkKnight has always taken on the majority share of paying bills. For almost the whole time we have been together, he was making 3 times the amount that PunkRock did, and covered PunkRock’s debts and bills during times of unemployment.

When DarkKnight was out of work for 5 months last year, he had to liquidate his 401(k) to keep the family afloat, and PunkRock has promised to pay us a portion of that back right now - so far he has kicked over $4000 and promises to pay out an additional $4900 in a month from his own retirement plan. This is also sort of an asset split, which we would be experiencing during a legal divorce - PunkRock saved this money because of me, and since he’s supported me most of our relationship as a stay at home mom & wife, it’s a payment to acknowledge that commitment and loss of my own earning power. PunkRock has benefited financially from living in our polycule. I don’t think he sees how things were set up as unfair. DarkKnight NEVER held the income inequity over his head, ever.

One thing I can say about our breakup is that the financial portion of it has been calm with no contention between us. We’ve separated the bills out quickly and I was hoping to be able to close the joint account at the beginning of April - we just have to wait until the final payment transfer is made. It may end up taking a little bit longer as the amount PunkRock can take from his retirement is limited based on his term of service - he’s worked at his current job for less than a year.

Edited to say that I myself am nowhere on the purchasing paperwork or title to the house. It legally belongs to DarkKnight, 100%.
 
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And apparently AntMan is falling down. He stole BugGirl’s debit card and took off last night, got drunk and got a ride back to NY where he “might have” done coke or crack. He can’t remember because he was black out drunk again. Apparently he is on his way back. She’s going to put him in a hotel so he can get his last paycheck and that will be that. At least, that’s what she is saying right now. We’ll see.

This is triggering me so bad and has me having issues with PunkRock’s alcoholism. Fuck fuck fuck.
 
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I am so sorry, Bluebird. For you and for BugGirl. And AntMan. I imagine right now is a difficult time for recovering alcoholics and addicts, as it is for all of us. That said, he is putting your family at risk and triggering you emotionally. I hope BugGirl doesn't waver on her decision to let him go.

As for your finances, that is NO ONE else's business. You do not have to justify your choices to WhatHappened or anyone else.
 
Thank you, PinkPig. Not needing to justify anything is true, but at the same time, I don’t feel attacked. It was a valid question. I have always been open about how we have structured our polycule and our lives, and to some, that is what drew them to read certain sections of my journal. It’s only fair to answer questions about how it is coming apart.

Tonight is a down night for me. The last few days have been emotionally and physically exhausting in ways I would never have imagined. The Blessing Box is stretching me and I am not proving to be very elastic with everything else going on. I did manage to get a ton of pet food stowed today, the Box was filled frequently, and I sort of managed to keep the incoming donations from completely drowning me. I did a 20-meal BBQ chicken dinner giveaway. Exactly 92 people signed up. In regular times, I would maybe pull 40 people interested, because chicken is a cheap meal. I gave away 4 chicken quarters, a bottle of BBQ sauce, a bag of instant mashed potatoes, 2 cans of baked beans and a can of corn.

This is the kind of thing that hurts my heart - I was late posting the winners because of what was going on with AntMan & BugGirl. At LEAST 10 of those people messaged me to ask if they had won or not. Chicken is that scarce in town. People aren’t supposed to be out anyway, and some of them have no transportation, so they can’t go looking for what they need. My visitors are afraid.

And I am so very tired.

AntMan is in a hotel. BugGirl paid for it, in spite of AntMan stealing her debit card and trying to pay for a $500 Uber ride with it. He’s been begging me for the past hour to let him come home, but this has nothing to do with me. He needs to grow up and get help for himself. I cannot hold his hand through this. I told him who and where in town he needed to go tomorrow, but that’s all I can do. I don’t need this drama on top of everything else going on. I am worried about my daughter breaking her own sobriety and leaving to be with him, but so far she seems to be doing okay.

I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.
 
BugGirl paid for another night in a hotel for AntMan, and he has a bus ticket now to head back to NY tomorrow morning. Truthfully, I have mixed feelings. I am VERY glad he will be gone and out of my daughter’s life, so she won’t be at risk of risking her sobriety. However, I am also very sad for him. He has no support system, and is just tortured by his demons. He reminds me of PunkRock, in many ways. Just like PunkRock though, he has made his own choices, and no one can help him, but himself. And I am not responsible for the pain they both have to suffer through while they fight within themselves.

I had another off and on again day. This morning I was just overwhelmed with sadness. I tried to find the dirtiest sex story I could online, and I masturbated to try and make myself feel better. It felt good, but I cried the whole time, and afterward I just felt empty. I took a hot shower though, and that helped a lot. I filled the Blessing Box and started working on putting together some Sick Kits for the community. PunkRock was headed out to pick up BugGirl, as she was working overtime today. He stopped and talked to me about AntMan, and BugGirl. He said BugGirl and my son will be helping him move out on Thursday, and maybe another friend. He hasn’t reserved a UHaul yet - I don’t know what the hell is up with that. At this point though, it may be a moot point. Next week the company may be closed due to the pandemic. He paid the rest of his agreed upon monthly rent today, so he has until April 1st to be gone, but I am really, really hoping he is gone next Thursday. I don’t think I will have a chance of healing my heart until I am no longer seeing him on a daily basis.

DarkKnight came home for lunch around 11:30, and it was so wonderful to sit at the table with him and just...I don’t know - just be. We had leftovers and held hands and I felt comforted by his presence. When left to go back to work, I went back to work as well. Apparently Motherhood Maternity declared bankruptcy and their store in town was going to close at the end of the month. However, because the mall closed yesterday, the company decided today was the last day of things. An employee brought me two huge boxes of Advent baby bottles, Over 500 1-load samples of laundry detergent, a smaller number of conditioner and baby wipe samples, and travel size bottles of Dove baby body wash. It was a seriously huge amount of stuff! BugGirl sorted it all into ziplocks for easier storage, and I spent time in and out of the overflow room, prepping for an afternoon giveaway - a bag of tortilla chips, 3 cans of cheddar cheese, a can of diced tomatoes and a can of black beans. I had about 40 bags made up so people could make nachos at home. It was a huge hit, and that improved my mood a lot.

However, we were very, very busy all day long. People were afraid again. I had one mom start crying because she doesn’t have a fridge - and how was she supposed to feed her kids if there was a lockdown? Another mom shared the sentiment, as she has a cube fridge fit for a dorm room. She said she wouldn’t stick to a lockdown - she has to go out daily to get enough food for her three children. She doesn’t have a car, just a bike. Maybe if the National Guard comes, they won’t notice someone on a bike and she could get to the store everyday?

These people - my visitors - I don’t know what to tell them. I explain that the stores will probably still be open. Probably. I give them cans of beans and hope for the best. I feel very, very happy when they are excited to find a roll of toilet paper or a loaf of bread on my porch, but then I talk to someone who has so much confusion over what they are supposed to do with no more part time job, no fridge and no way to help their family, and my heart just breaks. The stress I carry for them is less than they themselves feel, but it hurts so fucking much. I hurt for them, and for myself - because who the fuck knows how long this is going to last and we don’t have huge amounts of food stored either. But I pretend to be okay, and tell them that I am scared too, but I’m not going to panic as long as I have hand sanitizer. Then they laugh because my bottle of it is crazy small and almost gone.

Right now my life is really fucked up.
 
I had one mom start crying because she doesn’t have a fridge - and how was she supposed to feed her kids if there was a lockdown?
No state is in total lockdown. California, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Nevada and tomorrow New York are imposing strict restrictions and the media is colloquially calling it a lockdown, but citizens are not barred from getting the necessities like groceries. The link spells out the exact nature of the restrictions, state by state.
 
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I am aware. I have been telling everyone that they can still go to the grocery store. People are still panicking. :( I actually put up a post this morning on my page to try and help:

I’ve talked to quite a few people over the last few days, many who are panicking.

It’s okay to be afraid, and worried about your friends and family.

It’s not okay to let that fear motivate you to make bad choices.

The newest freak out is about a potential lockdown happening. It does look like we are headed for that, super soon. There is no reason to add to the hysteria by racing to Sam’s Club to try and stockpile 50 cases of ramen noodles. During a lockdown, essential services - like pharmacies and grocery stores - remain open.

The National Guard has been called up, and they’re not positioning themselves to shoot at you. They’re setting up tents to help with the sick, and figuring out ways to best help the community get the supplies they need - while possibly having to deal with looters and other jerkfaces.

I recommend going to the store with a list and doing your regular shopping (as much as that is possible with empty shelves) - if you were already in need of things. Though you CAN go get groceries during a lockdown, you really should not, if you can help it. So be prepared, but there is no need to panic. Doing so just creates more issues for everyone - and it isn’t going to help you, or your neighborhood. ❤️
 
I can’t even begin to start on all the craziness here lately.

AntMan did not get on the bus. Instead, he said he wanted to go to rehab. I contacted someone in our city who I knew could help, and she got him a bed in a nearby facility (miraculously). He did not call or attempt to get set up. My daughter tried to get him a room for another night, but it turns out he did drugs and turned paranoid and tried to tear down the cameras in the hotel hallway, so they kicked him out.

This was all happening on Saturday. I was really busy at the Box. I was running a “Pack of Snacks” giveaway, where everyone would receive stuff like crackers, pop tarts, a bag of apples, baby carrots, pudding, granola bars, etc. It was a large amount of items designed to help parents with kids at home. In the middle of it, Cracker Barrel called me, and offered me 105 pounds of bacon, 60 dozen eggs, some yogurt, broccoli and 300 pounds of potatoes. DarkKnight drove over to pick them up.

Meanwhile, I am talking to the guy I matched with on OKCupid, the recent widower. He offered to come over and help with the chaos, kind of joking, kind of not. He lives like 2 hours away - actually a little more - so of course I said no. Also, hello - quarantine! Still, we both into each other and the conversation was helpful to me to get me centered and focused on what needed to happen. DarkKnight returned and we moved out 25 dozen eggs and 25 pounds of the bacon, and all of the yogurt, and 20 packs of snacks.

Then, we get a message that DarkKnight’s mom took a turn for the worst. We realized he needed to get up to York, Pennsylvania to the hospital there to see her as soon as possible. While he is rushing around to get ready to leave, AntMan showed up on my porch, drunk, crying and begging me to let him come back to his family. Some lady had found him on the side of the road, drove him to us and then told me that she had prayed to Jesus with him and saved his soul. Whatever. He’s screaming and yelling, calling my daughter a whore for cheating on him (she didn’t) and just crying.

We told him he had two choices - the cops, or getting in the car with DarkKnight and going to the bus station. We got him into the car and they left. The bus station ended up being closed, so they picked up his belongings from a place in the woods where he had stashed them, and they continued to York.

Back at home, we were trying to decide what to do. AntMan had lost his brand new phone, but the person who found it, called BugGirl, and got it returned to us. I talked to PunkRock about what was going on, and he was struggling - he was upset about not being able to help AntMan into recovery. He said he didn’t think AntMan was ready, and that we needed to get him away from BugGirl, or else her recovery was going to be in danger. BugGirl agreed with this.

Later that night, she came to me, upset. Apparently she read the messages on AntMan’s phone, and he had spent his entire check on drugs and throwing a party in the hotel room she rented for him. And he slept with a girl while there. She was absolutely done with him.

We talked a lot about BugGirl’s time last year with drugs and how she felt about everything. She said it was so very important that she not see AntMan again, and how we had to get him back to NY and out of her life. However, he was in York, and we were a state away with no car. So, he stayed in a hotel with DarkKnight in York that night.

DarkKnight wasn’t able to see his mom due to quarantine - she had coded twice and was in a ventilator and unconscious. The hospital was on lockdown, and they said he could talk to the palliative team the next day - her DNR was now in force and they were just getting her ready to pass comfortably.

So, the whole day I had been messaging with this guy - let’s call him MisterMoonbeam - and I decided to ask him if he was willing to go on a road trip and take AntMan home. He agreed readily, and we proceeded to make a plan with BugGirl. She called everyone in AntMan’s family, but no one would take him in. Still, she wanted him gone, so she promised to pay for a hotel in NY for AntMan, if we could just get him there. MisterMoonbeam drove over to our house that night, so we could just leave the house directly in the morning.

I was a little nervous, but not a lot. After we had matched on OKC, I discovered that we were in this poly Facebook group together, which had a discord server. I had read all of his old posts in both locations, and felt I had a pretty good idea of who he was, though there was obviously still a risk. He showed up looking like a normal guy, acting like a normal guy, and BugGirl and I both gave him a hug for coming to our rescue. He and I shared the bed in DarkKnight’s room that night, and he was a total gentleman - we shared some cuddles, but stayed up talking until 5 am the next morning. We figured we could head out around noon. We finally fell asleep, and I felt really good about him.

DarkKnight’s mom died at 7:30 am on Sunday. Bleary eyed and completely out of sorts, I sent messages and phone calls out to everyone I could think of that needed to know, and then MisterMoonbeam and I drove to York. AntMan got into the vehicle, while I went to see DarkKnight. He was teary, but holding up okay under the circumstances. He had been able to see his mom’s body, and had an appointment set up later to talk to the funeral home. After I was gone, he’d be talking to his sisters to get a schedule of events planned and figure more stuff out. He met MisterMoonbeam and was appreciative of his support.

The ride to NY was uneventful. AntMan was silent almost the entire trip. We tried not to stop, but did hit the bathroom twice. I was very, very aware that we were breaking quarantine across states, and I was terrified of possibly spreading or catching Corona on the journey. We kept to ourselves and tried to just GO.

I had a lot of interesting conversation with MisterMoonbeam. I didn’t feel any NRE or squee or anything. I was stressed out and anxious about the trip, and AntMan, and about my husband back at home. I was focused on keeping my daughter safe by getting this guy out of her life - and mine.

We arrived and got a room at an EconoLodge for AntMan, and I gave him some money for food. He was quiet, and dejected, but he took his stuff and left. I wanted to cry, but we were in an EconoLodge parking lot. I was still really stressed when we pulled out to leave - I had to sign papers saying I was responsible for any damages, and that made me nervous, given that AntMan had tried to break video cameras just the day before. MisterMoonbeam suggested we drive south a bit to put some space between things, and we stopped for the night in Bath. We paid $80 for the highest end room in the joint, which included a jacuzzi in the room. (We didn’t use it though.)

At that point we were running on two hours of sleep, and I was ready to drop. I laid down and was dozing while we waited for dinner to be delivered in, and then we talked some more as we ate. It was around 6 pm.

We both got into our pajamas, and then got out of them and had some really good sex. (He had recent tests, with no new partners as of January.) All I can say is I fucking needed what MisterMoonbeam was giving out. We were very compatible. Afterward, I fell right to sleep.

And woke up at 10:30 pm, from an alert from DarkKnight, who was concerned that I hadn’t talked to him for a while. I gave him a call and explained that I had fallen asleep. We talked a bit, and then after we hung up, MisterMoonbeam and I talked until like 1 am. Then, we fell asleep again, waking up around 10 am this morning.

We got food to go, and each left the housekeeper $20 a piece as a tip.

When I got home, DarkKnight was gone, and I had to wait for him to get back to let me in the house. I said goodbye to MisterMoonbeam, and he started his 2+ hour journey home.

I’m in pajamas now, snuggling DarkKnight on the couch, waiting for subs to be delivered for dinner. I am completely and thoroughly exhausted. I have more to write about my emotions and thoughts surrounding MisterMoonbeam, but I will do that in another post later. The funeral is Friday, but because of gathering restrictions, only 10 people are allowed to attend the short graveside service, and I am not included in that 10. I am actually relieved. The only reason I would go would be to support DarkKnight, but no spouses or grandkids can attend. There just aren’t enough spots. DarkKnight is already over the drama - he told me he never wants to speak to any of this family, ever again.
 
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So I am not really sure about MisterMoonbeam. I like him. Shit, I think he’s crazypants for coming to meet me and take AntMan to NY, but at the same time I absolutely appreciate it. I believe it was the right thing for me to do - to get AntMan as far from my daughter as I could, at the time. I do think that MisterMoonbeam wasn’t a Corona risk for me, as he had been quarantined in his house with very little contact with the outside world in person. If anything, I was the risk for him, in a huge way.

He made me smile, a lot. He is a good listener, and an attentive lover. I think he’s pretty cute too. He’s got the beard that I like, and interestingly enough - he’s tall, y’all! I haven’t dated a guy taller than me in like forever. 6 foot. It was kind of novel, almost, to be honest. He’s a bigger guy, but not too big, I don’t think. Big enough for me to feel safe with him when he hugs me.

The night before and the day of the trip - at no time did I feel any butterflies or NRE. I felt calm with him though, and happy. I enjoyed having someone to talk to that was interested in what I had to say. He has an amazing sense of humor, and we both were laughing an awful lot. I needed that. He listened to my stories about PunkRock, and told me about his current partners and his late wife.

On the way home, out of nowhere, I felt a flutter. We were talking about something - to be honest, I can’t even remember what. But he had started speaking and I just felt this bubble inside and it was like - OH. I told him to wait with his story, and shared that I just felt some NRE. He grabbed my hand (he was driving) and he was like, really? He gave me a huge smile, which I returned. :)

We both spoke a lot about what we were looking for in a partner, in the future. He is in the process of relocating at the moment, and he’s looking in both Frederick and Hagerstown, as well as other locations further away. We will see. He was very hard to read. His demeanor in that way reminds me of JazzMan. When I told him this, he laughed and said he gets that a lot - he doesn’t smile much - but he is definitely wanting to see me again and that he likes me.

He really wants kitchen table poly, above all else. He says he enjoys being part of a team. He and DarkKnight got along okay, though they didn’t have any time to really interact - they kept their distance and DarkKnight was not really focusing on anything. They both told me separately that they are interested in meeting up in the future. I feel like they actually would be good friends without me in the picture at all! They’ve already added each other as friends on Facebook.

MisterMoonbeam and I agreed to keep texting and messaging and see each other again in a couple of weeks - when we’re not breaking quarantine to transport a drug addict across state lines. I am happy that I got to meet him and I am interested in having a first date with him soon.
 
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DarkKnight is so angry, frustrated and sad. I am as well. His sisters are telling him that their mom didn’t have any life insurance and that they need help paying for the funeral. His mom 100% told me that she had a separate bank account with $10,000 in it to pay her final expenses - and to not let her cheating husband get away with not paying for things. When DarkKnight told them this, they said I was making it up. Okay, whatever. They also said that she spent all of her money and there is nothing left and the will got rewritten so everything is left to the husband.

DarkKnight doesn’t care. He wants to just walk away. I am going to support him in whatever he chooses, but this makes me so upset for him. These people are absolutely terrible. They’re racist ignorant homophobes and I think washing his hands of everything is the best thing to do.
 
I am up and awake this morning, and I just want the day to be over already! I have a bunch more eggs and bacon to push out of here though, and I plan on being closed the next 3 to 5 days for various reasons. So today I will be working hard!
 
I was utterly exhausted last night. I moved 260 pounds of potatoes, 30 pounds of bacon, 9 pounds of broccoli and 8 pounds of sausage into the community - a bit at a time, all by myself. By the time the evening came, I was a hot mess.

My throat has been hoarse the last two days, but other than that, so far I have remained well. No soreness, I’ve just been talking too much! I am terrified I am going to catch Corona and be down for the count, but so far, so good.

I cried a bit on the couch last night. I was overtired and hungry, and it suddenly hit me that PunkRock is moving out today. I’ve been really busy and focused on other things. On one hand I can’t wait for him to be gone - every time he is in the house I feel like I am on edge. However, last night I was just filled with so much despair and sadness. How did this happen? I still don’t really understand the speed of things, how he could just throw me away so quickly.

DarkKnight and I finished watching the Harry Potter movies and I forgot that the last one is where Dumbledore and Snape have their “Still after all this time?” - “Always” exchange. That’s what set me off. I just cried and cried. PunkRock and I watched this series every year together. I thought I would kind of take it back for myself and watch it with DarkKnight. Overall, I enjoyed doing that. But that back and forth of those two lines broke me. I think I posted about how I had a T-shirt that PunkRock bought me last year that said “Always.” I donated it.

I was really having a hard time last night, trying to figure out what today was going to be like. I’ve closed the Blessing Box until Monday. PunkRock is apparently moving out starting at 1-2 pm. My youngest daughter says she wasn’t asked to help and had no idea he was even moving today. PunkRock told me he asked my son and BugGirl for help. And a friend who I think is not reliable but whatever. Knowing him, he might not show. I don’t feel confident that everything will be moved out but we will see I guess. I don’t think this has been well planned.

I definitely don’t want to be home. DarkKnight is going to pick me up at lunchtime so we can eat together, and if it’s not too muddy, I want to take a hike. I have some ideas for my alone time in the trees. Otherwise, I am going to park someplace and start reading the Expanse novels that MisterMoonbeam bought me. I was really stressed last night about staying in the car all day and hurting my back, and I thought about maybe getting a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub. MisterMoonbeam offer to pay for one, but that felt weird and honestly, we have the money so there was no need for him to do that. In the end I still might get one today if they’ll let me do an early check in. I guess we will see how the day goes.

I was really distraught yesterday evening but once I ate food and rested up things were better. This morning I feel a little silly. Still, everything feels a bit surreal. I still can’t believe this happened some days. How could my husband do this with no warning? Tell me that we were solid and he has my back and I’m his person and then an hour later tell me he hasn’t loved me for over a year? Like, wow. I don’t think I will ever figure this out - I will be second guessing my relationships forever.
 
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