On the way to Virginia this past weekend, MisterMoonbeam and I talked a bit about my relationship with TheEngineer. I’ve posted before that it’s been positive, and relatively stress free because he’s so busy. I see him once a week or once every two weeks, and we haven’t been intimate since last December due to my pain levels and then time in recovery.
I had said to MisterMoonbeam that I felt like things were super smooth with my metamour - we’ve met a couple of times, she attended a game night and we connected okay. However, I think it’s been smooth sailing for the most part because I’m not asking for much in my relationship with TheEngineer. I don’t think she sees me as a threat to her connection with him, as I’m not putting any demands whatsoever on his time.
So even though they’re new poly peeps, the bullshit restrictions she’s tried to impose haven’t needed to be challenged by me at all. By the time a rule might affect me, she’s already decided that she doesn’t like being held to the same restriction and cancels it. Which, I guess is part of the process. And why I don’t date newly poly people. Except now I do. Sigh. Anyway, I’ve never ever had to push back against anything at all. I hear about a rule from TheEngineer, I tell him I won’t be dealing with that, and then the next time we connect, he brings up that it’s no longer a rule.
Well, TheEngineer called me yesterday and apparently things have been “not good for a year.” And that he felt he “probably shouldn’t have been dating anyone.” He and his wife are separating, as she has decided she no longer wishes to provide emotional support to him, or be intimate at all. She wants relationship anarchy, and being married to him isn’t going to work.
Only, they have a house and vehicles, and intertwined finances, a child they share biologically and multiple older children of hers that they co-parent.
She’s currently dating a couple, is in NRE and recently quit her job.
He’s a mess.
He’s quite apologetic about sharing information with me about how he’s feeling. I invited him to spend the night last night, and he said that he wants to stay in his relationship but she won’t agree to counseling. He has some various mental health struggles that he’s recently started seeing a therapist for, as well as a psychiatrist - he has started medication as of a month or so ago.
Apparently she says it’s not enough and she wants him to move out while he works on himself. That there’s no point in couples counseling until he’s fixed. She says he needs to leave for a few weeks or a month with no contact with her or the kids so she can see how she feels.
He’s planning on heading to another state to stay with his mom during this time. He’s frustrated because he feels he is making progress with his challenges, but he can’t go faster because he has to adjust to medication dosages. I asked him what specifics are being measured here - what goals will he be trying to achieve in that time frame? He was unsure that she really had any qualifications on what he’s supposed to be doing, just a nebulous “working on things.”
So he stayed over last night, and he was upset. He was trying to not dump on about his wife, and I appreciated that. I told him I was okay with listening and if he wanted advice, that was fine too, but in my opinion, the time to work things out was before they opened their relationship.
I’m sad for them both, but I can’t help but feel like this is a classic newly poly situation that would have been avoidable if they had discussed their relationship more. Also, if he was having struggles with his mental health, that should have been a priority for her and him back then.
I’m just…sad. I told him he was welcome to come over when needed between now and when he leaves, but that I also understand the situation and if we need to put a pin in this, I’m okay with that too. I also offered our spare room for 2-3 weeks, if he doesn’t wish to travel out of state for this time period, however, it won’t be 30 days, so there’s no squatting. Not that I’m worried about that, but it gives him a firm end time to get the separation - or reconciliation - worked out.
He went to sleep last night saying he was going to spend the day here at my house, and contact his specialists and figure out some bulletpoints. Okay. Only, his phone rang before 8 am and it was his wife, as her car wouldn’t start. He was upset but he spoke to her kindly. He told me he kinda felt like she doesn’t want him there except when she needs something he can do for her. Sigh. He left to go help her and he never returned as it took a while to get parts, attempt a repair, and then wait for a tow truck.
I just continued my day at home as planned.
I feel okay about the assistance I put out on offer. I completely understand his wife’s frustration level if he’s not been dealing with his mental health for a while. He’s been unemployed since we started dating, and he seems quite scattered. I’m sure there’s shit on both sides. I guess we will see how it spreads.
