Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Haha! The funny thing is, I don't have a type. I've dated all sorts of guys - shapes, sizes, races, income differences, facial hair, penii great and small, bald, fuzzy, guys with excessive back hair. lmao I would say guys that I like best are taller than I am or the same height, and who are bigger than I am, so I can get proper cuddles.

My weight is up 20 pounds and I feel really gross in all of the photos, but I can't complain because I am not counting calories and I'm eating lots of junk. At this point, I am throwing in the towel and will start the new year with a resolution to count calories more effectively.
 
Absolutely adorable.

That is all!
 
Today is ugh. The weather is rainy and dreary, and my classes are dragging on for like, ever. WarMan is still sick, DarkKnight is napping but hopefully PunkRock and I will be leaving before too long to go see Spectre at the movies, finally. I feel really frumpy because I didn't have time to shower this morning and with the day being ick, I'm just gross.

Still, one more class to go and I am done with Biology!

I did some Ancestry between classes today, and felt pretty accomplished with that. My mom called, asking about progress, so I talked with her a bit. WarMan messaged with me a little too, and I had to do math to help him decide which insurance program would work best for him next year, but he had so many unknowns and such a lack of information, I don't think I was very helpful. He's now waiting on information from his HR department. He told me too, that if he moves in with us next year, his company has a weird Maryland insurance policy, so he will have to switch to that, and everything he's working on now will probably change anyway. More ugh. He disappeared for a while, so I started looking at houses for sale in the surrounding tri-state area, but there was nothing I hadn't seen before, so that was discouraging and unexciting, so I stopped looking.

I need to order groceries, but I can't get motivated. I am tired of being on the computer today.
 
You definitely have a type, Bluebird. Your guys could all be cousins, if not brothers!

I thought the same thing when I saw the pic.:p

(My guys are tall and furry and look like mountain men - although it is their minds I find most attractive :))
 
It is an interesting topic to me - do I have a type?

All of my guys are college educated, but none are working in the field that they majored in at school. They all went to recognizable college names too (DarkKnight studied Chemistry at Drexel.) I don't think of myself as snobby, but I definitely do better with guys who have a brain. I don't consider myself sapiosexual, but there is something to be said about a man who can talk to me. My ex husband was fit, had crazy muscular arms (he was a drummer in an indie band) but was a high school dropout who hadn't read a book since then. He bought car audio magazines. He was a master mechanic though, which honestly, isn't an easy thing to be! But he would never ask me for a synopsis of a book I'd be reading, or want to discuss quantum physics.

As far as size goes, until I met DarkKnight, I had never dated an overweight man in my life. Not because I found fat dudes repulsive, it just never entered my mind that they would want to date me - no one big had ever asked me out. That said, if you look at the line up in that pic, there is about an 80 pound difference between each step to the right. PunkRock has a size 40 waist. He's more solid than fat, when you look at him. He works a physically demanding job and I absolutely love his wide chest. Holy hell though - his ass is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. All my guys tease me about how enamored I am with it. I bought him some new jeans and I am always wanting to stare at his rear view!

It's interesting to me - as much as WarMan worries that he's too similar to my husbands to stand out to me, he was very concerned before our first date, that I understood he was a bigger dude. I told him how much my husbands weigh and that calmed him down a bit.

Their facial hair is all very different too - when I met DarkKnight ten years ago, he had a goatee, but he's had a full beard for at least 3 years now, if not longer, and at one point he grew a "yeard" where he didn't trim or shave for an entire year. He looked homeless! Still, I love his beard and think he looks great in it! I hate to see PunkRock in anything but a smooth face. I think when he lets his stubble start to grow, he looks old. I have yet to see WarMan in anything but his goatee, but if you remember in the beginning, it was longer and I disliked that style of it!

DarkKnight has dark brown crazy curly hair that I love to wrap my fingers in and pull. :) He's the typical handsome prince with blue eyes and dark hair. :) It has a TON more white than it used to, back when we met. PunkRock was actually bald when I met him, and I thought he shaved because he was balding. But nope, he just was working on flipping houses and he didn't like having to wash it. I definitely like him with some hair on his head, especially since a lot of guys over 40 can't grow in so much! WarMan is bald, and I am so glad he buzzes the rest of it back, because I have dated guys who are denying the truth and I find that just, ugh.

All 3 of my guys do have blue eyes, but I have certainly dated different eye/hair color combos. My own eyes are shitty green, so I do like anything but that. Lol I especially like WarMan's shade of blue though - depending on the day, they are more gray than blue and when I look into them, I certainly get shivers. He has a way of catching me up in them that just pulls me out of whatever it is I was focusing on and get glued onto him.
 
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PunkRock was calling her Penelope last night, then 'ella-pee, and then I started calling her ella-men-o-pee, and then just ella. Not 100% sure it fits yet. Not 100% we should keep her either!
 
Terrible headache this morning - I've now taken 4 ibuprofen and I'm hoping they finally work.

PunkRock and I went to a foster kitten meeting last night and I think everything is squared away with the babies and we have the authority to adopt them out of state, or to whoever we think will make good parents. :) I have to call today to make them appointments to get spayed/neutered, then they get another round of shots on Sunday, and when they come back from their spay/neuter it's time for microchips. THEN they can be adopted. My oldest daughter is very excited to adopt Ray, so that little kitty will be traveling to NY with me in a couple of weeks. DarkKnight's sister said she was interested in Winnie, but as it turns out, her only daughter left at home is now moving to Wyoming on the 27th to be with a friend, and so she is now contemplating moving to Georgia or North Carolina in January. So, no new pets for her.

I'm hanging out today at WarMan's though, and trying to focus on my ancestry stuff. In spite of my headache, I feel like I have accomplished a lot! Overall, I am at a stopping point on my grandfather's side of the family. I've traced back as far as I could without some major time put in, and all the side shoots - like my 3rd great grandfather's brother's children - don't need any further work to complete what my mom is looking to see later this month. My grandmother's side is fairly fleshed out, and I hope to get finished with the important parts by Saturday. THEN I can start the layout of the family tree book. This shit is bananas!

I just realized that it is almost January. I can't believe I will be finally done with my last month of this Invisalign retainer, and be ready for the implant. Whoo hoo! I am a little nervous about them fucking it up and having this massive pain in my mouth from nerve damage for the rest of my life, but I am sure the guy who does the implants is good. :)
 
I spent the morning making a photo book online for my youngest daughter's birthfather. It should be there before Christmas. We discussed it a bit, and she helped me design the layout and choose the pictures. One thing off my list!

Speaking of photos - horrible update to my family pictures post. The photographer had his external drive crash and he lost everything except for the low resolution proofs in Dropbox. I want to cry about this, still. He is apparently still trying to recover them but it doesn't look likely. I am hoping he will try to edit some of the low res shots so at least I end up with something. This is so depressing.

Today I am finally going to go see the new Mockingjay movie with my daughter, so right now I am supposed to be showering and then going out with her to get lunch. I suppose I should get moving!

I have a person who is my Facebook friend, who I met once at a family 4th of July BBQ. I am really sure she only follows me to report back to PunkRock's stepmother - because they are real life friends. I knew this when I friended her on Facebook. I was talking to others online today about my photos being lost and she posted this:

Gotta say this with no judgement. You can say u have 2 husbands. 1 boyfriend etc. Any of us can say that but legally that is false.you have one husband and that is all that is recognized in md. Marriage is committing to each other and making sacred vows..it's not a joke or game to say we have more than one spouse.

So I responded:

I don't believe I've ever said that my marriage to PunkRock is legally recognized by the state of Maryland. However, I, and many other people who are currently loving more, hope that one day that will change. At the present time I may be recognized by others as being a polygamist, but I do not meet the legal definition of being a bigamist - in Maryland. Other states have different definitions and laws.

The vows and promises that PunkRock and I made to each other were not done so lightly or as a joke. I don't believe that any one who knows us well would ever think that we were anything but serious.

The paperwork we have completed was done with the utmost care to make sure we comply with existing laws, yet allow us to function as if we did have a state-sanctioned marriage. We share joint bank accounts, life insurance policies and gave each other medical power of attorney, along with being listed in each other's living wills. His retirement account and savings accounts pay out to me, should he not make it long enough to utilize them. I have zero doubt that if polygamy was suddenly legally ok in Maryland, that PunkRock would take the necessary steps to make our match permanent in whatever fashion that was deemed necessary.

I am sorry, but I do not recognize your authority to decide that my relationship with either of my husbands is real. State recognition is not what I need when I look into their eyes. I just need their hearts, as they need mine, and only we can say that we are together.

***

Yeah. She responded with an "ok." So I am glad that is over.
 
Ugh! I say time to go on a facebook friends list cleaning spree!!

That really sucks about your pics though. The ones you posted in your blog looked awesome.
 
Speaking of photos - horrible update to my family pictures post. The photographer had his external drive crash and he lost everything except for the low resolution proofs in Dropbox. I want to cry about this, still. He is apparently still trying to recover them but it doesn't look likely. I am hoping he will try to edit some of the low res shots so at least I end up with something. This is so depressing.
Sorry that happened, but all is not lost. It was a group photo, not a wedding or something that can't be recreated. If the photog has any degree of professionalism, he will offer to reshoot at no charge. I did that once back when I was shooting actors' headshots. That was before everyone was digital, some photogs were totally digital, some were hybrids (shoot on film for the best resolution, then scan digitally). I shot on film and there was a problem. Everything came out too dark. Technical shit happens, but a contract needs to be fulfilled. At least with digital, it won't really cost him anything to shoot you guys again. I had to buy film and pay my lab, eating that cost, but if you're a pro, that's part of what you have to do.


And yeah, time to unfriend that judgmental chick. She doesn't need to know with whom you share a bank account or what kind of papers you've drawn up, nobody does. Wonder what PR's stepmom will think about his retirement account going to you after this chick reports back. Oh well, none of her business anyway. Unfortunately, I think your eloquent defense was way more information than she deserved and was probably totally lost in her.
 
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I think you did a good job standing up for yourself about your relationship structure.

So sorry about the picture shoot. I imagine it'll be difficult to get everyone together for a redo, too. :(
 
Wow. Cat and I have never legally been married but we have always referred to each other as husband and wife. My SIL is the only one who ever called us out on that...and her sacred marriage is now over. "Not to be judgemental, but I'm going to judge you now"?

And that photographer should retake the shots if he can't deliver.
 
It's PunkRockAwesomesauce's birthday today! 42. He's a very sexy 42 though, I think. :) DarkKnight is down this morning because the first time he ordered a present, the wrong item was received and so he got a refund and was told to reorder, and that they'd waive the shipping. He got it Amazon prime, so no real excitement there. Anyway, the reorder was supposed to be delivered here on Dec 2, and they have no explanation as why. They just gave him another refund. :( He's pretty bummed.

I am still in bed but I need to get showered and get moving. I need to clean up the dining room and decorate for PunkRock's little family cake party, as well as set up the Nightmare Before Christmas village on the server in there. My youngest daughter is baking a BLUE velvet cake with purple icing and sprinkles.

I am also super excited today about my ancestry album for no reason at all - I'm just happy about reaching a stopping point on my grandfather's side of the family so I can get started with layout and design. I hope to make it to a craft store today to buy some paper for printing out birth certificates and marriage registration forms - stuff like that, so it looks all fancy. I also need to check and see how much turnaround Office Max and Staples have for making a copy of a 12x12 scrapbook and how much it costs - black and white or color.
 
Oh, I can't seem to sleep and it doesn't look like things will improve anytime soon in that regard. :(

PunkRock had a pretty good birthday today - I hope - but he wasn't interested in having sex tonight. We just haven't been connecting very much lately, and I think a lot of that has to do with how I have gained weight. I feel so gross and unattractive. Also, due to all the stress I've been under lately, I'm either falling asleep before my head hits the pillow, or I am just so out of sorts that I can't possibly fall asleep and it feels like I can't get horny. It sucks. Lately, PunkRock is either sleepy himself or not interested, or at least, when we do have sex he gets me to cum lots and then gives up on getting himself off. It makes me feel so sad.

That said, I had fun, enjoyable, totally refreshing sex with DarkKnight this morning. I always feel so accepted by him. Not that my other guys ever say that I'm fat and unsexy, but it is different with him. He is always so enthusiastic when he is wanting me! Of course, this was our first time having sex in over a week - at the very least - so I was very excited to be with him.

Plus, he just gets me. Later I was driving and out of nowhere a huge wave of sadness just went over me and I was missing my dad something terrible. I told him and he got quiet and then said he was just thinking of his dad then too. Most of the time I am ok, but today, for a few minutes, I just kept thinking how my dad was really finally gone and I wouldn't be seeing him at family Christmas. Holy shit, I am tearing up just writing this. I know my mom is going to be an absolute wreck when I go up to NY and I will be expected to be everyone's rock. While chauffeuring my kids around and again dealing with the Christmas charity shopping and coordination. Fuck fuck fuck why do I have to be the responsible one?

I am really freaking out about WarMan leaving for New Orleans tomorrow. It seems like I can't catch a break with my stress level. He asked me today what I do when I am in NY and all alone when visiting family, and I told him that I cry at night. He looked skeptical, but it's true. I don't like sleeping alone in a hotel. Absolutely, if all of my guys would be ok with it, I would be hooking up with someone when I am there, just to feel good. I don't ever, of course, because even if they were fine with me having a cuddle buddy while traveling, I realize it wouldn't be healthy for me. But I still want to do it because IT SUCKS being alone. My head gets full of attachment noise and I think that everyone is so happy I am gone.

Actually, just mentioning my upcoming trip when discussing his trip, made me want to cry. I am going to talk to DarkKnight tomorrow and see if he can take one day off, or half a day off, and come with me and work from the hotel. I don't know how I will keep my shit together otherwise. Same as always, I suppose, but hell, I am not doing very well here.

This morning I was really down that WarMan made other plans today, when Saturdays are our traditional date days. He assumed PunkRock would be with me since it was his birthday - but PunkRock was working. I told him this on Thursday and he acted real surprised, but I had told him before. He texted that I shouldn't be trying to guilt him into seeing me and that really upset me. Later I told him straight up, that if anyone ever feels guilted into being with me, then I would rather we just not be together because fuck that noise. I am NOT a pity date.

So anyway, I told him I was going to be working on my Ancestry stuff today and running errands then, and that's what I ended up doing. He said maybe we could meet for lunch, but he was really iffy about it. DarkKnight ended up treating me to the new sandwich place in town and that was really nice, actually. WarMan arrived at my house afterward, and he actually was snoring on my couch for a bit. I woke him up and he apologized and said he wished I had told him I'd be working on projects because he would have brought his own. I wanted to whip out my phone and show him where I said I would be doing ancestry stuff, but I didn't want an argument.

I feel like he's not believing me much whenever I tell him that I miss him, or that whenever one of my guys is gone for more than 3 days I have difficulties. Like, he thinks I am making it up or exaggerating my detachment response. He told me today that maybe I should see a therapist again about it, but in the same breath said that he needed to see Monkey because he was concerned she might attempt suicide if he didn't see her tomorrow. I about came off the couch, telling him he needed to call the assistance line or the cops if that was an issue but he backtracked quickly, saying he shouldn't have said anything and that she is just fine, and that she hadn't said anything like that to him.

His plan was to see Monkey for most of Sunday and then stop by to see me briefly before leaving the state. I told him that was absolutely bonkers and wouldn't work for me, because by then we haven't had sex in days and he was going to be gone. I'm his girlfriend, who has issues with distance, and who he has been fighting with on and off for a few weeks now, and he was just going to breeze in and out with no worry. And why? Because he needs to see someone who just last week told him that she doesn't miss him that much when he is gone.

This was super hurtful - that he didn't change his schedule with Monkey at all when he realized he had to leave on a trip, except to take away my Saturday and only see me at my husband's birthday party. Like, is this real life right now?

I honestly don't know how I could have made things more clear. When he told me he was taking this trip a couple of days ago, I told him it was going to stretch me. And to just decide that he didn't need to devote any time at all to me on Friday - Saturday - Sunday just really makes it hard for me to see how he is even understanding anything at all about me. No, you can't go away for 4 days without any prep time, not spend any quality time devoted to physical reassurance and then expect our relationship to be hunky dory when you return. It's just not going to be ok.

He kept asking me if an hour or so would work, and if no amount of time was going to work, then it was probably better to just give that time to someone who would benefit from it - meaning Monkey. That's when he said she was suicidal. Which, yeah, would trump stressed out girlfriend with anxious attachment in any universe, but way to make me feel worse. How am I supposed to ask for what I need - again - when I am told someone could kill themselves?

I need to cry for a few hours and eat an entire carrot cake.
 
Ok, well I just cried for a half hour and that helped a little. It will have to do, since I don't have a carrot cake.

I think what is bothering the most right now is the lack of physical contact. Real, and anticipated. When I woke up PunkRock to get hugs, I couldn't at first, I just cried and cried, thinking about how terrible NY is going to be. Like, that is my number one issue right now apparently. My ex is horrible and dealing with him is awful, and on top of that having to transport a couple of kittens there, and then do all the charity work that was dumped in my lap and then dealing with getting my daughter's meetings with people and possible trade schools dealt with and THEN have to deal with all the family drama with my siblings. And on top of that my dad being gone and my Mom emotionally vomiting all her own issues on me because she has no other outlet. I have my own shit to deal with! It's just too much pressure, knowing I am going into that quagmire with no emotional support present, no one there to hold me at night and pull me back to strength. It's so hard.

Like, I need that. I think this is too much this time, to go there and deal with it all without someone to hold me. Thinking about that - I just can't. I am seriously considering just skipping out on going up there at all.

THEN add on this other layer of issues with WarMan. I just read his last journal entry - I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I can't even focus on that relationship because I am so overwrought and drained from thinking about NY. This is like corn in my shit sandwich.
 
So I had some good snuggles from PunkRock this morning but I was too wound up and sad for sex. I felt bad and apologized several times but he was just so loving and concerned about me - when he hugs me, all I can do is focus on his energy. It was pretty great.

We took the kittens to their final clinic visit - they got another dropper of dewormer, a distemper booster shot and they are now microchipped. They go to the vets for spay/neuter on Friday and then they are able to be adopted. They are so sweet - going to miss these guys!

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Venkman - who I am fairy sure we are keeping.

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Winnie and Egon - these little ones are inseparable and I feel bad because they will be going to different homes. Actually, Egon now has a family but Winnie doesn't yet.

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Ray. He is going to live with my oldest daughter in NY.

So anyway, we are now home from the vet visit and I am feeling so down. I am over tired, so that doesn't help, and I am waiting for WarMan to come see me before he gets on his plane. I figured out the schedule this morning and even though he arrives home on Thursday, we won't have time alone together again until Saturday. There will be a big problem with that for me but there isn't anything I can do about it. The kittens have to be at the vet at 7:30 Friday morning so a sleepover Thursday night won't work, and Friday is Monkey's time with him. So, Saturday night is it, I guess. Sucks.

I also figured out this morning that there is zero way that DarkKnight can go to NY with me. He could prolly swing it with his work, but he has theater performances on that Thursay, Friday and Saturday. So, it's a complete nonstarter. So I am on my own I guess. PunkRock can't take off that many days from work and WarMan has told me more than once he can't go. So, I am just going to have to deal with it.

Lately it seems like everything is just shit I have to deal with. Don't like that much at all.
 
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Don't set yourself up to be miserable by telling yourself how much it sucks to be alone. It's up to you. You could be telling yourself how wonderful it will be to have moments to yourself where you can de-stress from every demand you have on you right now.

While you are away, why not give yourself a lovely bubblebath (with candlelight, even!) and learn to enjoy your own company. You really are a wonderful person who does so much - but as I am writing this, it occurs to me that perhaps you seek out so much activity and attention from others to distract yourself from how little you like yourself, and to avoid from "just being" with YOU. This seems to be part of your esteem issues.

As far as your relationship with WarMan, you seem to forget that you two are still getting to know each other. He is not a puzzle piece that you can fit into your current arrangement. You cannot expect him to read your mind and always be there for you the way you think he should, or in the ways your husbands do. He is not them. He is his own man and, attachment theory issues or not, you need to take better care of yourself (LOVE YOURSELF!) so you aren't incapacitated by these meltdowns you've been having.

I only hope you can let in what I'm saying without getting defensive, because defending yourself without "hearing" others' views will only keep you stuck -- and I only say all this out of concern and wanting the best for you.

It's been quite surprising to read some of the dramatic ways you react to not getting what you want, because that is not the Bluebird I've come to know from earlier in your blog.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling needy, as we all do from time to time, but it isn't okay to explode your neediness all over him (nor anyone) and go ballistic. You can ask for what you want, but cannot reasonably expect him to always give it to you in the way you want it just because you're his girlfriend. Your shitty feelings about yourself are nobody else's responsibility. Obviously, he cares about you and loves you, but it isn't a crime that he can't quite figure out what you're expecting from him.

The way I see it, you can either use the knowledge you have about yourself to better understand who you are and handle things so that you can rise above your limitations (do you read KC39's blog? If not, check it out!), or you can hurt yourself with that knowledge by saying that's just the way it is and stay stuck in feeling disappointed and pouty when you don't get what you want. Lately, and perhaps it has been since your father passed away, you've been doing yourself a disservice by not handling your needs for attachment a little better. I do believe that handling it better will come from developing more self-love.

Honey, you need to be gentler and kinder to yourself - so, bubblebath, mani/pedi, put on your favorite music and dance in your underwear when no one's around, you know? Start treating yourself with more tenderness, love, and appreciation for who you are. You'll be better able to enjoy the people in your life if you can enjoy YOU alone.


PS - I think I'm in love with little Venkman!
 
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I am saying this out of concern. I am not trying to be the an asshole but I think you need to hear this. You always poo poo this anytime someone suggests what I am going to say but I am going to say it anyway.

You seriously need to seek out some professional help for your disturbing behavior and emotional state right now.

You are being unfair to Warman, unreasonable in your demands, and selfish.

Please seek professional help.
 
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