Oh, I can't seem to sleep and it doesn't look like things will improve anytime soon in that regard.
PunkRock had a pretty good birthday today - I hope - but he wasn't interested in having sex tonight. We just haven't been connecting very much lately, and I think a lot of that has to do with how I have gained weight. I feel so gross and unattractive. Also, due to all the stress I've been under lately, I'm either falling asleep before my head hits the pillow, or I am just so out of sorts that I can't possibly fall asleep and it feels like I can't get horny. It sucks. Lately, PunkRock is either sleepy himself or not interested, or at least, when we do have sex he gets me to cum lots and then gives up on getting himself off. It makes me feel so sad.
That said, I had fun, enjoyable, totally refreshing sex with DarkKnight this morning. I always feel so accepted by him. Not that my other guys ever say that I'm fat and unsexy, but it is different with him. He is always so enthusiastic when he is wanting me! Of course, this was our first time having sex in over a week - at the very least - so I was very excited to be with him.
Plus, he just gets me. Later I was driving and out of nowhere a huge wave of sadness just went over me and I was missing my dad something terrible. I told him and he got quiet and then said he was just thinking of his dad then too. Most of the time I am ok, but today, for a few minutes, I just kept thinking how my dad was really finally gone and I wouldn't be seeing him at family Christmas. Holy shit, I am tearing up just writing this. I know my mom is going to be an absolute wreck when I go up to NY and I will be expected to be everyone's rock. While chauffeuring my kids around and again dealing with the Christmas charity shopping and coordination. Fuck fuck fuck why do I have to be the responsible one?
I am really freaking out about WarMan leaving for New Orleans tomorrow. It seems like I can't catch a break with my stress level. He asked me today what I do when I am in NY and all alone when visiting family, and I told him that I cry at night. He looked skeptical, but it's true. I don't like sleeping alone in a hotel. Absolutely, if all of my guys would be ok with it, I would be hooking up with someone when I am there, just to feel good. I don't ever, of course, because even if they were fine with me having a cuddle buddy while traveling, I realize it wouldn't be healthy for me. But I still want to do it because IT SUCKS being alone. My head gets full of attachment noise and I think that everyone is so happy I am gone.
Actually, just mentioning my upcoming trip when discussing his trip, made me want to cry. I am going to talk to DarkKnight tomorrow and see if he can take one day off, or half a day off, and come with me and work from the hotel. I don't know how I will keep my shit together otherwise. Same as always, I suppose, but hell, I am not doing very well here.
This morning I was really down that WarMan made other plans today, when Saturdays are our traditional date days. He assumed PunkRock would be with me since it was his birthday - but PunkRock was working. I told him this on Thursday and he acted real surprised, but I had told him before. He texted that I shouldn't be trying to guilt him into seeing me and that really upset me. Later I told him straight up, that if anyone ever feels guilted into being with me, then I would rather we just not be together because fuck that noise. I am NOT a pity date.
So anyway, I told him I was going to be working on my Ancestry stuff today and running errands then, and that's what I ended up doing. He said maybe we could meet for lunch, but he was really iffy about it. DarkKnight ended up treating me to the new sandwich place in town and that was really nice, actually. WarMan arrived at my house afterward, and he actually was snoring on my couch for a bit. I woke him up and he apologized and said he wished I had told him I'd be working on projects because he would have brought his own. I wanted to whip out my phone and show him where I said I would be doing ancestry stuff, but I didn't want an argument.
I feel like he's not believing me much whenever I tell him that I miss him, or that whenever one of my guys is gone for more than 3 days I have difficulties. Like, he thinks I am making it up or exaggerating my detachment response. He told me today that maybe I should see a therapist again about it, but in the same breath said that he needed to see Monkey because he was concerned she might attempt suicide if he didn't see her tomorrow. I about came off the couch, telling him he needed to call the assistance line or the cops if that was an issue but he backtracked quickly, saying he shouldn't have said anything and that she is just fine, and that she hadn't said anything like that to him.
His plan was to see Monkey for most of Sunday and then stop by to see me briefly before leaving the state. I told him that was absolutely bonkers and wouldn't work for me, because by then we haven't had sex in days and he was going to be gone. I'm his girlfriend, who has issues with distance, and who he has been fighting with on and off for a few weeks now, and he was just going to breeze in and out with no worry. And why? Because he needs to see someone who just last week told him that she doesn't miss him that much when he is gone.
This was super hurtful - that he didn't change his schedule with Monkey at all when he realized he had to leave on a trip, except to take away my Saturday and only see me at my husband's birthday party. Like, is this real life right now?
I honestly don't know how I could have made things more clear. When he told me he was taking this trip a couple of days ago, I told him it was going to stretch me. And to just decide that he didn't need to devote any time at all to me on Friday - Saturday - Sunday just really makes it hard for me to see how he is even understanding anything at all about me. No, you can't go away for 4 days without any prep time, not spend any quality time devoted to physical reassurance and then expect our relationship to be hunky dory when you return. It's just not going to be ok.
He kept asking me if an hour or so would work, and if no amount of time was going to work, then it was probably better to just give that time to someone who would benefit from it - meaning Monkey. That's when he said she was suicidal. Which, yeah, would trump stressed out girlfriend with anxious attachment in any universe, but way to make me feel worse. How am I supposed to ask for what I need - again - when I am told someone could kill themselves?
I need to cry for a few hours and eat an entire carrot cake.