Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Ugh, I have two herniated discs in my lower spine and remember what it was like when they first ruptured. I was hospitalized for two weeks and the only progress I made was to be able to lift my leg a little bit off the bed. I had a long, slow recovery because I opted to not have the surgery they were pushing on me (since it was a 50/50 shot, I didn't like those odds when it came to cutting me open). Anyway, I was single then; I can't imagine snuggling with anyone when I was going through that. Well, I'm sure you don't need any more of us saying things like that!

What really gets me is how often WarMan misinterprets what you tell him. You asked him if he was relieved a little bit by not having a sleepover with you, which I think is a valid question (as an aside, someone very close to me who is bipolar told me once that even though he hated having been hospitalized for wildly manic episodes after not taking his meds, a part of him also felt relief that he didn't have to deal with the outside world for a while. Disappointment, pain, and relief can coexist!)... and yet WarMan hears you saying he's faking his pain. And it isn't the first time he's totally taken your words way out of context and thought you meant something completely different. I think the previous posters had some good insights that can shed light on that.

But wow, you've also gained a lot of insights into your relationship from all this, and self-knowledge is a good thing, no matter how painful it can be to see some of our dysfunctional ways of operating in life. The shame spiraling, or feedback loop, has now been brought to the surface where you can look at it - and seeing a pattern always gives you the choice not to feed into it.

I hope his physical pain can be managed in the least invasive way possible, and that you two can resolve the problems you've been having in a way that heals you both.
 
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Today is the end! I am giving my youngest her diploma. We worked so hard together over the years and it's been an amazing education for the both of us! Homeschooling was hard, but it was almost one of the most significant experiences I've ever had. Not only did I educate my daughter, but I started a business that will at least continue through until next year, at which time I will either dissolve it or expand it. The most important thing though, is that my little girl was empowered and enlightened and there is no one to blame but myself. 😄 That's just a great feeling to have.
 
Congratulations on having done a fabulous thing for your kids. :)

We're homeschooling too but my youngest is right so we have many more years to go.
 
So many congratulations to you both!
 
I am SICK. Oh, just let me die. There is nothing worse than me being ill. I am the whiniest person on the planet. Currently I am high on cold medicine and just barely awake. I am also on my period, which is actually the worst timing ever. Blow job week has been canceled.

As far as an update on WarMan, he apparently has a disc that is bulging into his spinal canal. They are going to give him some steroid shots a month from now (the earliest they could schedule) and if that doesn't work, then he'll have surgery to shave it down. Until then, he has some new medications and a cream to use. He's still in lots of pain.

DarkKnight, PunkRock and I went out to celebrate my daughter's graduation last night at a pizza place downtown - her choice. It was a last minute sort of thing; I asked her how she wanted to mark the date and that's what she chose. WarMan didn't want to cancel the D&D thing with Monkey, so we went without him. It ended up though, his back was hurting so bad he canceled on Monkey and went home to rest by himself anyway.

Today I've just been laying around and whining, playing Skyrim and crying about how horrid my cold is. I have a sore throat, a runny nose and I keep having to pee. �� PunkRock escaped to hang out with a couple of his friends in Glen Burnie, but will be home before I go to bed. It's supposed to be a date night and sleepover with WarMan, but he hasn't been able to get in bed with me for a while now, so I have been spending our last couple of overnights with my husbands instead. I don't see him magically getting better tonight either, so more than likely I will be with PunkRock since I had a sleepover with DarkKnight last night. Fuck though - PunkRock works at like 4:30 tomorrow morning, so I don't think I will be with him after all!

Did I mention that I feel miserable? Gah! Hopefully this cold works itself gone sooner rather than later. I am exhausted.
 
I'm sorry you have a cold and moontime at the same time. Yuck. Worse still is WarMan having to wait a whole month for a cortisone shot! Poor guy, it's gonna be a long month. I feel so bad for him.
 
Well, the way he explained it, they actually need a surgical team to administer the shots. It's similar to an epidural? I don't know exactly.

I am nervous about sleeping tonight. Again, it's my overnight with WarMan, but he doesn't think he can get into the bed with me without doing himself some significant harm. DarkKnight is already snoring away in his own bedroom, and I just said goodnight to PunkRock, so I am going to attempt falling to sleep in the King bed alone in WarMan's room. Doing that on a good night is difficult, but when I'm sick - ugh. Though, I don't know, maybe it'll be ok. I seriously feel physically exhausted though I have done nothing all day.. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Unfortunately, I told WarMan I was going to go crash with someone else, so now that I have changed my mind, he's in his office. There is zero chance of me falling asleep completely alone before 3 am - being alone in a bed is difficult, but alone in the room - hell no. So I am stuck now waiting for him to finish whatever he started. I'm not upset - it's my own fault.

I pretty much played Skyrim and sneezed all day. I did pass out on the couch for about an hour before dinner, but I had bad dreams the whole time. WarMan went and got me some Krumpes' donuts for dessert (DarkKnight went along to actual stand in line and pick them up), so that was nice. We snuggled on the couch and watched Pacific Rim, which was also pretty sweet. (Love that movie!) It is hard to relax around him, however, as I start thinking how he told me that he thinks we should "fake it til we make it" the other day. I keep wondering, is he faking it now? whenever we interact. That concept doesn't work so well for me, and in fact I think it increases my anxiety. I wish he had never said it.

Overall though, tonight was positive, if you cancel out that anxiety, and the fact that I was sick. It was calming to lay against him, and get my back rubbed on. We've had almost no significant skin-to-skin contact in like two weeks and no sex, so the alienation I am beginning to feel is not insignificant. I am going to really have a hard time if this is it from now on. It hurts my heart. Tonight did help though.
 
I had good sex with PunkRock yesterday morning, and WarMan and I had some fun playtime last night, so I feel less out of sorts and more back on track to being me today.

I am scheduled to go donate blood with my youngest daughter, but I am still getting over this cold; it's just lingering. No fever, but I'm just all over exhausted and sneezy still. Ugh.

Funny thing - all of our cats are sneezy right now too.I need to make a vet appointment for our big black Maine Coon-hybrid, Gus, for a checkup anyway. Hopefully if meds are needed, they'll give us enough for the other 4 cats. Honestly, I don't think they will need meds though.

Chemistry class was a hoot yesterday, even though the topic this week is Gas Laws, and that means MATH. Only 3 more weeks left - nuclear chemistry next Tuesday & Thursday, and then two weeks of Organic Chemistry. I am excited to be finished! However, I will then only have a month to prep for my upcoming Astronomy class, because that sucker starts in September! I have the curriculum done but it needs to be tweaked to include newer discoveries and explorations, and I need to make sure the videos and movies I have scheduled still exist on Netflix and on YouTube. Oh! and I need to set up all the optional field trips - that'll be fun.
 
I have been thinking a lot today about WarMan and our upcoming couples therapy appointment tomorrow. I vacillate back and forth about how I feel, and how much work he and I need to do to make things better. I feel like when we argue, I am thinking it is me & him vs the issue, whereas in his mind, it is him vs me. I told him that the other night, and he got quiet when I said that, but I am not sure he agrees. It has definitely been on my mind a lot lately though. I'm kind of stuck there, honestly.
 
So therapy went ok, but I don't feel as though we covered new ground. We have another appointment scheduled next week. Both WarMan and I agree that an hour appointment felt really short. We are going to talk to the therapist next week about maybe scheduling 2 hour blocks every 2 weeks. I don't think the insurance will go for that, but maybe the appointment could be under my name the first hour, WarMan's the second. We will get input at next visit.

One thing that was a bit of an eye opener for me was that the therapist suggested to WarMan that it sounded like he needed to learn to compartmentalize better, and WarMan did not seem to agree. I have been saying this all along, so it felt good to have that out from a professional. I am going to talk to WarMan more about this.

DarkKnight and I are out to lunch right now and our food just arrived, so I will have to write more later.
 
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DarkKnight and me out on our lunch date. :)
 
Such a sweet pair! I would love to meet neighbors who smiled like that!

Leetah
 
I am glad you started therapy. It may not "save" your r'ship with WarMan, but it should bring you some clarity about the mess it's in now, so you can get a reality check. I hear you on how you felt getting validation from the therapist on the compartmentalisation issue. I loved getting validations like that from the couples counselor my ex husband and I saw back when we were still together. She in fact, after several months of weekly therapy sessions, told me I was doing everything right. And eventually she fired my husband as a client when he got stuck in his shit and refused to budge, constantly blaming me for our troubles.
 
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I don't think our therapist will ever say I am doing everything right. 😀 Our next appointment is on Friday.

I had a great day yesterday - I woke up early, went to lunch with WarMan, spent the afternoon with my daughter and PunkRock at an exotic animal rescue center, and then came home to play a game in the new WarMachine Journeyman League at the game store in town. I played against trolls and I won! So very stoked about that! Then, WarMan, PunkRock and I hit up the Hibachi Buffet for dinner and then I played Skyrim for bit before bed. I had time here and there throughout the day with DarkKnight too - he started his own Skyrim file, so he and I are connecting through that. :)

PunkRock has the day off today - and tomorrow - but my other guys have work today. I am already awake, and I got to get kisses from DarkKnight before he disappeared to sit behind his desk in the basement. He encouraged me to go to Aqua Zumba today, but I am not awake enough. Now that I am no longer ill though, I am going to start back up lifting weights and doing the circuit at the YMCA on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I figure I am going to try and lose 2 pounds a week over the course of the Journeyman league. Ours is going to go 12 weeks instead of the regular 6, because we have some players that can only come every other week. So that would be 24 pounds. I think I can do it if I eat smart. 2 pounds doesn't feel too daunting. Today is a start - I had my chai latte with soy milk this morning, and I am going to go grocery shopping at some point to load up my fridge with healthy snacks. Here we go, I guess!

I still have to finish up painting my Trencher models today, but it is just touch ups and then washes at this point. I am happy with how they turned out. I need to pick a new model to paint for the WarMachine Journeyman League, because I will get one win point for painting a new model each two-week period.

My youngest leaves for Colorado tomorrow - for her graduation gift, we bought her a plane ticket to go and visit her birthsister, who lives outside of Denver. My daughter was the oldest of 5 kiddos who were separated through the foster care system. Her sister is 10 months younger than her and we've encouraged her to keep their connection, and they talk frequently over the phone and social media. They were separated when my daughter was 6, and we managed to get them a one hour visit when my daughter was 13. So it's now been 5 additional years - almost 6 - since they have seen each other in person. They are both super excited, as my girl will be staying there for like 10 days with her sister's family. (She was adopted by two moms, and has a sister and brother in her chosen family.) It will be weird to have my daughter gone again - I missed her a lot while she was in Nepal last Fall. She's now my last kiddo at home. Sigh.
 
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PunkRock and I while on our trip to the East Coast Exotic Animal Sanctuary this past weekend.

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days, but things are crazy here! My daughter is off to Colorado until next Thursday, and I am trying to keep it together while she is gone. Here's my stress list:

1. Missing my daughter.
2. Realizing that her $2,000 bill for trade school is due next month and we have done absolutely zero budgeting for that.
3. Realizing that we need to have a serious talk with her about trade school - she has been popping up with reservations about attending, and I don't want to spend the cash if she isn't gung-ho about it. What would she rather do instead?
4. We need to budget for buying her a car this year.
5. My car needs an oil change and is currently overdue for one.
6. PunkRock's car decided to stop having an air conditioner. It's the compressor, and because it also works with the water pump, it is something we have to fix. This happened earlier this week. We are currently awaiting a call on the damage - last night we heard that it was very expensive and that the shop was calling around to see if they could lower the cost any.
7. I have paid no bills yet this month. Need to do that later today.
8. I need to plan and pay for the beach vacation PunkRock, my daughter and I think we are taking in August.
9. Two more weeks of Chemistry class! Right now I should be setting up today's nuclear chemistry lab. I have two additional make up classes to schedule, and I need to get started on writing transcripts.
10. I am still fielding emails and messages about my Astronomy class. I need to follow up on some of these, and I need to get a syllabus locked down with dates to go out the first week in August.
11. My house is a horrible mess. I swept the dining room floor last night, and scooped upstairs litter boxes this morning, but that is the extent of my housefrau abilities at the moment.
12. My flexible spending account card has a hold on it because they want receipts. yesterday was a clusterfuck of trying to make that happen. I need it back so I can pay for Friday's therapy appointment.
13. My son is insisting that he can't make his own therapy appointments because there is an insurance snafu. Insurance company says nope. Waiting for a call back from the medical office to verify that he's full of crap.
14. My desk is covered in paperwork that must be filed at some point. The kittens have taken to chewing on the corners of everything.
15. I had what was supposed to be a dental appointment yesterday for my crown impression, but instead they wanted to place the abutment. They numbed me up, cut into my gums and then realized that the post they had was wrong. So now I have a metal post sticking up in front and no tooth. They will be calling me when it is delivered. I was not mentally prepared for the trauma of having major dental work yesterday, much less failed major dental work, and spent the rest of the day a sobbing mess.
16. My daughter's graduation announcements haven't been designed or ordered, or mailed out. I have to pay for the photo CD tomorrow. I was texting with the photographer today and she dropped off some book samples for me this morning.
17. Our cat Stuart STILL needs surgery. $600. need to budget for and schedule this super soon. Poor baby. We took Gus to the vet this week and thankfully, he is fine and just as mellow as ever.
18. WarMan is still in a lot of pain. :(

The Journeyman League is going rather well for me, and has been a good stress reliever. I've played 3 games this week and won 2, and the game I lost was a very close call. I finished everything with painting my trenchers, except for the front arcs. I am going to try and paint those this afternoon and then take some photos. I will try to remember to post one here so everyone can understand what I am talking about. :) PunkRock put primer on the warjack I would like to add into my playlist, so he's next up for needing paint.
 
Finished my trenchers, but forgot to take a picture! Soon, I promise. :)

Today has been good so far. PunkRock went out this morning and brought me back some beautiful flowers and lunch from the Dutch Market. Then, he left for work. He's now using my car - his is parked for the near future. The repair job is going to cost us $1755. I can make it happen, but it won't be until mid-August. So rather than put it on a credit card, we are going to pay cash at that time. I don't want to rack up debt when we are planning on house buying! So, his car will be in the garage until then. Or it would, if the garage was clean.

WarMan left this morning for Monkey's, so that leaves me and DarkKnight home alone. We are trading off times playing Skyrim, and cleaning up the house. I set the timer for 30 minutes and when it goes off, we do some straightening up around here. So far, so good. I've cleaned off the server in the dining room (which is currently holding PunkRock's bouquet, 2 bunches of lilies from DarkKnight and a small pot of baby roses from WarMan. (Yes, I am spoiled.) I am also doing two loads of laundry - mine and WarMan's - and I cleaned out the front hall closet. I feel pretty good about it. Oh! I also unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, and started it. AND cleaned off the kitchen island. Booyah! I'm like, domestic and shit. I made DarkKnight take out the trash and sweep & swifter the kitchen too. So stuff is looking good and we're still spending time being lazy. :)

For tonight, DarkKnight and I are going to watch Tomorrowland - which just arrived from Netflix - and grill some steaks outside. DarkKnight just got them started marinating. The plan is to also have sweet potatoes and some fresh green beans. I can't wait. I like stay-in date nights, even if this time it's imposed because we have no vehicle to help us escape.
 
Terrible night last night. I didn't fall asleep until around midnight and then I was up at 3 am, full of anxiety. My dental appointment was rescheduled for today at 9 am and this is the first time I've really dreaded dental work. I texted all 3 of my guys around 4 am, but none of them responded, and I didn't feel comfortable waking any of them just to hold me while I was stressed out. I was in tears while showering and I was shaking all over while driving there.

It's over for now, but it was just as traumatizing as last week. Except I guess last week was worse since it was completely unexpected. Today they were replacing the temporary post in my mouth with the permanent abutment, and then doing an impression for the crown. Since they screwed it up last week, I ended up having to reschedule the final appointment for the beginning of August. And, well, the permanent abutment was removed again today and the other was put back in, since my retainer just fits the wrong one.

It wasn't terribly painful today, but I am still so very out of sorts. DarkKnight heard me return home and he ran up the basement stairs from his office to hug me. He held me so long and so securely - it really helped. He had to run back down to work, so now I am alone again and trying to calm down since this is over for a while again. I have never been this anxious and it's truly crazy.
 
Ok, well that was unexpected! I have spent the last couple of days extremely ill. Uncontrollable diarrhea, vomiting - just terribleness. I went to the doctor yesterday and I had to leave stool samples at the lab, but he told me I pretty much just have to let things run their course. That said, I was able to sleep through the night last night, which was a welcome change from the previous night, where I was waking up every hour or so to make a deposit in the toilet, or in my pants. Just ugh.

My guys were so amazing though! I felt very loved and supported by all three of them, so that was great. All of them took time to sit with me and rub my back, give me medicine and just generally try to be a good sport while I was stinking up the entire house. Today I am eating crackers, and I think I may be able to finally keep them down.

My youngest is back from Colorado this morning, and the cats are going crazy.
 
Only two terrible poops today! Hurray! I was able to keep down food today was well.

Just thought I'd post again, because I finally did as my mom asked, and requested deletion of my father's facebook account. She hadn't realized it was still a thing until she saw that my sister and my oldest daughter wrote on his timeline on his birthday, earlier this week. It upset her, and she asked me to get it all deleted. She didn't want it memorialized, which I know is going to start a shitstorm with my sister and maybe my brother, but dad would have wanted what my mom wants, so that's what I did. I sent over the request and the documentation. I hope it goes away with little to no fanfare.
 
Update on my stress list! Just thought for my own records, I'd post and see where I am at on the list I posted earlier:

1. Missing my daughter. She's home. All set. :)
2. Realizing that her $2,000 bill for trade school is due next month and we have done absolutely zero budgeting for that. Realized there is a payment plan option that will work for us, so if she wants this, it can happen.
3. Realizing that we need to have a serious talk with her about trade school - she has been popping up with reservations about attending, and I don't want to spend the cash if she isn't gung-ho about it. What would she rather do instead? Had the talk. She is still uncertain. She wants to explore maybe joining the National guard, like my oldest daughter did. Now we have a to do list created for that. She has about two weeks to figure out if she wants to move ahead with it, or have us start the payment plan option with the trade school. She is comfortable with this timeline, and so am I.
4. We need to budget for buying her a car this year. This is still not handled.
5. My car needs an oil change and is currently overdue for one. Scheduled for two weeks from now. It's only overdue on the windshield sticker. The car itself says the oil is still good.
6. PunkRock's car decided to stop having an air conditioner. It's the compressor, and because it also works with the water pump, it is something we have to fix. This happened earlier this week. We are currently awaiting a call on the damage - last night we heard that it was very expensive and that the shop was calling around to see if they could lower the cost any. $1755. His car is currently out of commission, but we're making do with swapping vehicles when needed. We have the repairs scheduled and budgeted for, and we won't have to go into debt.
7. I have paid no bills yet this month. Need to do that later today. Done.
8. I need to plan and pay for the beach vacation PunkRock, my daughter and I think we are taking in August. Right now, this is canceled unless extra money becomes available.
9. Two more weeks of Chemistry class! Right now I should be setting up today's nuclear chemistry lab. I have two additional make up classes to schedule, and I need to get started on writing transcripts. YIKES! Because I was sick, I had to cancel two classes. Things are crazy. I am hosting makeup classes today and Monday. There's an end in sight though!
10. I am still fielding emails and messages about my Astronomy class. I need to follow up on some of these, and I need to get a syllabus locked down with dates to go out the first week in August. Still need to handle.
11. My house is a horrible mess. I swept the dining room floor last night, and scooped upstairs litter boxes this morning, but that is the extent of my housefrau abilities at the moment. Ugh.
12. My flexible spending account card has a hold on it because they want receipts. yesterday was a clusterfuck of trying to make that happen. I need it back so I can pay for Friday's therapy appointment. Fixed this, but the card is now almost completely used up. Lame.
13. My son is insisting that he can't make his own therapy appointments because there is an insurance snafu. Insurance company says nope. Waiting for a call back from the medical office to verify that he's full of crap. Handled.
14. My desk is covered in paperwork that must be filed at some point. The kittens have taken to chewing on the corners of everything. Ugh.
15. I had what was supposed to be a dental appointment yesterday for my crown impression, but instead they wanted to place the abutment. They numbed me up, cut into my gums and then realized that the post they had was wrong. So now I have a metal post sticking up in front and no tooth. They will be calling me when it is delivered. I was not mentally prepared for the trauma of having major dental work yesterday, much less failed major dental work, and spent the rest of the day a sobbing mess. Um, ok, I guess.
16. My daughter's graduation announcements haven't been designed or ordered, or mailed out. I have to pay for the photo CD tomorrow. I was texting with the photographer today and she dropped off some book samples for me this morning. Shit. I knew I forgot to do something. I did pay for, and receive the photo CD. I've returned the book samples. I need to order the graduation announcement though!
17. Our cat Stuart STILL needs surgery. $600. need to budget for and schedule this super soon. Poor baby. We took Gus to the vet this week and thankfully, he is fine and just as mellow as ever. Ugh. Right now this is looking like September. DarkKnight says he is going to try and get in some more overtime so we can schedule this earlier.
18. WarMan is still in a lot of pain. Still exists. I nagged him about ordering another work chair, and his shots are scheduled for August 8.

Edited to say - I guess I handled half my stress, in spite of being ill. Go me!
 
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