Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

My day so far has been full. I was able to actually sleep in until 8:30 today, so that makes me a little happy. :) I got up, and then knocked out my Astronomy class syllabus, and plugged all the dates into google calendar. Booyah! My next step will be emailing this info to the parents, and checking out how they want to handle the week of Thanksgiving. THEN I need to start planning all of the optional field trips. That part is super fun. :)

After sorting my Astronomy work, I sat down with my daughter and went over all of the classes offered at the community college. Out of the entire catalog, she only picked out 3 she was interested in: Welding, Sign Language and Intro to Homeland Security. Sigh. I didn't see anyway to sign up for these without taking entrance exams, so I called, and yeah, if she wants to take them as credit courses, she has to take the exams. She can take them as non-credit without the exams, but that seems silly if she plans to stay at this college in the future.

So, yeah, this made her so incredibly anxious. I had her take a few Accuplacer practice tests online, and that didn't help. She absolutely bombed reading comprehension and had a 6/10 on the sentence structure stuff. This was not a surprise, as she has a documented language and speech disability. However, it always upsets her when she doesn't do well. i told her that in any case, the classes she is thinking of taking won't be affected - they don't require an English 101 course as a prerequisite. It just means later on, if she declares a major, she will have to cycle through the starting English classes, probably beginning at English 98. It's just how her brain works.

With math, she fared much better. She did ok on the Algebra, but had some difficulties with remembering certain geometry facts, like 180 degrees in a triangle, and she missed 3 percentage questions. Which all of those were just things we need to review. I don't think she will test into Elementary Algebra, but I do think she should score high enough to not start at the bottom in 98. She might be able to snag a 101 or a 100 level course, if we review enough.

Classes start on August 29. So, we will spend this week reviewing, and next week pay the Application Fee and do the entrance exams. She isn't really happy about going to community college, but she can't come up with any other ideas for her future, so at least it is a start. For that reason though, I am still on the fence about the exams. Is it worth it to get her all riled up, if she is only going to take a Welding class and then never go back? Hmmmm I am going to think on this some more, and maybe talk to her shop teacher - DarkKnight's cousin. He has a job welding, I think. Maybe she can just do another round of weekends at his place, learning to do that more in depth. Also, my daughter has talked about designing and building more furniture for her apartment, and possibly building some cat trees. Maybe she could see how it turns out and if it's worthwhile having an online store?

Ugh, I feel like I am grasping at straws. I don't really care what she does, honestly, as long as she is doing something.
 
Bluebird said:
No, I don't. I had started taking probiotics when I was sick, but I've stopped. I guess I should start again, eh? I don't mind eating yogurt, but I am not apt to want to shoot it up my cooch. lol
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Ugh, yeah, I'm with you on the the no-go with the plunger thing.

You may want to mention to the pool folks that you've been getting regular yeast infections after swimming. Sounds like perhaps they cranked up the chlorine (or similar) too high. They might be able to adjust so you can be bad yeast free (there is good bacteria you want!) and swimming away.

You might not be the only one too. Maybe ask around next time?
 
Honestly, I am not going to worry about the pool. Since I am teaching two Astronomy classes in the Fall, it doesn't make sense to bother. The pool-based workouts are M-W-F, and I will be teaching during those times Mondays and Wednesdays. So I won't be going to those workouts. Sigh. I did just call my doctor and ask for a prescription to knock out what is going on now. I used an over the counter cream and it seemed to help all weekend, but today I am itchy on the outside again, so fuck it. Prescription it is. Diflucan needed. Hopefully they call it over today and I can take it tonight.

However, I am really at a loss as to what to do in place of the water workouts. I was doing so well! I am not going to renew my YMCA membership for September, as there is nothing on their roster which interests me. Maybe I will just start hiking again. There are some great trails near where I live. I can deal with hiking, rather than aimlessly wandering around the neighborhood on sidewalks or on a track. It actually angers me - I get all pissy because it feels like SUCH a waste of time. lol I need to have a destination or a reason to be out and about. Don't anyone mention Pokemon Go, or I will get stabby. lol I do much better hiking alone too, which is weird. I hate being alone otherwise, but in the woods - someone talking to me also makes me feel stabby.

I guess I could also start back doing aerobics in my living room. I do have some workout DVDs. Oh! Why did I have to gain all this weight?! I seriously dislike how I just eat my emotions. This breakup hasn't helped. I am so not making healthy choices at the moment, and it makes me more depressed to think about doing that.
 
I feel you on working out. I get the best workout at the gym but am the worst at actually going there :/ I don't like randomly walking around my neighborhood alone. I liked doing a run/walk thing on the treadmill while I watched tv but my treadmill died and I dropped cable. For quick workouts, I use sworkit or youtube xhit videos.

For the yeast thing, since I've started using coconut oil as lube (early menopause), I have been yeast free for over six months...which is the longest I've been yeast free for a few years. If we go more than a day or two without sex, I'll just put some in before bed.
 
I have tried the coconut oil but it never really did anything. I don't need lube - oh geez, how I don't! - and it's just messy for no reason. I think it's been like 6 months or so since I had a yeast infection, and it's always for a very obvious reason: pools or hot tubs. Every.single.time. Though, you know what, that isn't always true, but it is more often than not. FML I love being in the water. I guess I am going to keep taking the probiotics and see if that helps keep this crap away. My other option, I suppose, is to premptively keep some cream on hand and on the days that I do swim, slather that stuff on right before falling asleep. That would probably do it. I just have to keep some on hand, I guess.
 
So, our local humane society - the one we were fostering kittens for earlier this year - posted an ad online, looking for animal care workers. My daughter is actually excited about something! They are hiring full time and part time, and only a diploma is required. I am quite sure it's probably only minimum wage, though it does say it does have benefits. I don't care. It's enough she wants to apply. :) One of my close friends is the volunteer coordinator, and she said she would be happy to be my daughter's recommendation. So she's got that going for her! The plan is to take over the application today in person.

The rest of yesterday was pretty great. I went to see Suicide Squad with my daughter and DarkKnight (terrible, terrible movie) and then DarkKnight & PunkRock and I went to Boston Market for dinner. (My daughter wanted McDonalds, so she got nuggets and left at home, lol.) After dinner DarkKnight and I curled up on the couch while I played Skyrim, and then slowly things went to shit.

Seriously, as the night got later, I started feeling my anxiety creep up until I was in tears. No trigger, except for the thought that I have a dental appointment today. Every little thing that wasn't perfect last night had me shaking and upset. This isn't normal for me - it was awful. All I could feel was dread and it felt really overwhelming. It's just a regular ol' cleaning today. No stress! You'd think, anyway. But nope. It's a whole lotta stress and I finally went to bed after shaking for about an hour. PunkRock told me to come down and wake him up - for certain - if I couldn't sleep or if I was having issues in the middle of the night, but thankfully I fell asleep fairly easy with DarkKnight rubbing my back.

So that was a blip, but most of the day was good, I swear! :)

My one WarMachine friend that I have been talking with and hanging out with a bunch texted me all throughout the day, and PunkRock invited him and his wife to come to Call of Cthulhu with us on Friday night. It should be fun if they can make it. They are a probably maybe. Lol I also received texts all day long from Greg, just friendly chatter. I talked to DarkKnight about going to see Greg's play at the end of the month, but it's going to be $50 for tickets plus gas. Normally I wouldn't blink at that, but with PunkRock's car still dead in the water, it seems really frivolous.
 
Good for your daughter finding a job she is excited about.

As someone who works with animals for a living. (I am a licensed veterinary technician who started in shelter medicine.) Working in an animal shelter is very rewarding, but it is far from plating with puppies and kittens all day. She is going to see horrible things. From people throwing away their pets like garbage to extreme cases of abuse. There is A LOT of euthanasia at the shelter even low and "no kill". If she will be working in the cattery or kennels she may have to be apart of putting animals down or in the least touched by it.

Shelter and veterinary workers burn out badly. We have one of the highest suicide rates amount professions. Read this article. http://barkpost.com/compassion-fatigue-animal-workers/
 
Yeah, we talked about that last night. It isn't all fun and games. We discussed playing with animals all day, versus cleaning cages and mucking out kennels. What the reality actually would be.

I just realized that I need to go grocery shopping and get my car's oil changed this morning. Nooooooooo. I guess maybe it will be good to have something to focus on other than my anxiety about this afternoon.
 
Just got back from the dentist. Oh shit, y'all - I seriously almost started crying in the chair! It was pretty bad. The technician was actually really awesome, and we were chatty together. The dentist wants to schedule me in for the two small fillings that have been put off since I started invisiline - RIGHT before my retainer scan on the 22nd. I am so freaked out. I told him I might need a Xanax, but then I changed my mind about taking the prescription. Now I feel like I should call and ask them to fax it over to the pharmacy, just in case. Sigh.

The only good to come out of this visit is that I got hit on, HARD, at the checkout. These cute two little boys came running up to use the prize machine - a hygienist had given them prize tokens. I was standing across from it, scheduling the fillings. Anyway, the kids' dad came up and was like, wait - are they getting gumballs? And I laughed and told him no, that those were bouncy balls. He grinned at me, got closer, and then told me I had a pretty smile.

I was like, that's not a very original pickup line for a dental office. He started laughing and asked if he could try out a couple of more then. I said sure, and he asked me if I came here often. I told him there wasn't a good answer to that, because a yes would mean I have bad teeth, and a no would mean I neglect my teeth. Then the clerk interrupted me to make my next 6 month appointment, and the guy grabbed his phone, telling her to wait, because he needed to make sure he'd be free that day too. OMG

He was super cute, fit, younger - maybe 35? - and just what I needed. His boys started getting rowdy, and then we ended up leaving at the same time, and he held the door for me. He asked me then if I had gotten a token to get a bouncy ball as well, and I said, no, but that I felt like it was deserved, I mean, I got a cleaning! I asked him if he had gotten a prize, and he said, well, I got to talk to you.

Shameless! lol Any further harmless flirting was diverted by kids, who were REALLY rowdy with their new toys, and while he was sorting out their silly, I left and made it to my car without further ado.

Yeah, that was fun. I felt good. I'm wearing yoga pants too, and that is usually a sign of me feeling lazy. :)
 
this is making me squee with delight for you! :)
 
It made me squee as well. :) It made me feel like a person again. I am feeling oh so frumpy lately, with the sudden weight gain on top of my already 15 pounds or so I needed to lose. Like, I have never been skinny - I never wanted to be because I looooove my curvy self - but I am way over where I feel comfortable. Course, maybe frumpy is the wrong word. I don't think there is a person on the planet that would use that adjective for me. lol Um, I am feeling oh so blobby. That might be more accurate.

I know people say to love yourself no matter what your size, but I can't do it. I feel invisible once I get past a certain weight, but honestly, the more I think about it, I am not really sure why. Guys don't usually treat me as such. Sure, there is a certain demographic for whom I become nonexistent, but those sorts of guys I would never even glance at, myself, even if I were at my ideal weight.

And right now, well, I am not looking at anyone, or for anyone.

Still, it felt good to be flirted with in a not-at-all-overt way. lol Especially by a dude, that by anyone's standards, was fucking hot. :)
 
Here I am though. :) I can't remember if I posted this photo earlier or not, but whatevs.

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I did also promise to post my front yard pic - I made PunkRockAwesomesauce a sidewalk surprise. Actually, I am sort of embarrassed about it, because it was supposed to be cute and sweet, and then the rain was supposed to come and take it away. Of course, it rained and things were not effected. So, uh, hopefully this disappears soon because it looks sort of silly leading up to my front door!

It's supposed to show our quantum entanglement. :) There is more to it than these pics - I have our names in big ol' letters on either side of the atoms, and a badly drawn rocket ship as well. Sigh.

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Speaking of quantum entanglement, I am still working on a poem entitled that, and have been for a week or so. I will post it when I feel I have mucked it a bit more. That's a sad subject though, and I am all about positivity today.

I finished my class syllabus and emailed it out today to all the parents, along with a lengthy course introduction. So I was able to tick that off of my list. My next step for planning is to print out and go over my old curriculum and update it where necessary. I also need to plan videos for supplemental learning. That will take a while. And schedule & budget for field trips. And then print out all of the curriculum, enough for all of the kids. Whew! None of that is happening today though, as the email was enough. Tomorrow will be something else on the list. :)

Today I need to get some grocery shopping done. I took PunkRock to work and right now I am waiting for a friend to come over to lend me the new Harry Potter book. She lent me some other novel a short bit ago and I finished it, but it was complete drivel. I am hoping for more fun with the HP book!
 
<< finds a compliment work around

That invisalign's really doing the trick, isn't it?
 
Haha! Yes. Thank you.

Actually, I was in a rush this morning, trying to get out the door at ass o'clock to take PunkRock to work. I didn't have time to shower or even brush my teeth, and I looked a fright. My hair was just greasy AF. Anyway, as I'm sliding into my flip-flops, DarkKnight tells me that I look beautiful today. Without missing a beat, I laughed and said thank you and continued through the room.

A few seconds later, I froze, turned around and gave both DarkKnight and PunkRock the biggest deer-in-headlights look. "Holy crap! You complimented me and I didn't wig out!" Both guys acknowledged it and I was soooooo excited. Therapy works y'all! I actually have been working on this, even though I've had bigger fish to fry lately with the breakup, and it is so sweet to be able to actually notice an improvement.
 
Today is both busy and boring. Lol I woke up at 4:30 this morning and did some painting on my Field Mechanics for WarMachine. Then PunkRock got up and left for work, and I played some Skyrim. Then DarkKnight went to work. I then did some laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, straightened the living room...lame household things.

After lunch WarMan started messaging me about renting one of those storage PODs, and he thought I was being combative, and he was all upset and angry. He clearly was unhappy, but it had nothing to do with me. Anyway, I told him he could put a POD in the driveway, but that I seriously didn't want it there for very long because there have been a series of thefts in town that are escalating and close to our neighborhood. I've seen a lot of stuff about those PODs getting ripped off, and I'd rather not have an advertisement for a burglary in my front yard. When he was talking to me in person, I think he could see I wasn't just being a bitch about it, but that I was concerned. So anyway, he's ordering a POD because he hasn't been able to locate an apartment yet. I offered to rent to him for another month if he needed, but he said no. *shrugs*

The issue is that DarkKnight's bed belongs to WarMan. WarMan bought it when we were dating and then when he moved in, he didn't need it, so DarkKnight sold his old set on Craigslist, and used WarMan's instead. WarMan offered to sell it to us, but we really don't need it. See, when WarMan leaves, the plan is for DarkKnight to take PunkRock's bed set, and PunkRock will be using the master suite with the King bed, that WarMan is currently using. (Can anyone even follow that writing?) The King bed is only a couple years old and it belongs to me.

The problem is that if WarMan gets a POD and removes the bed that DarkKnight is currently using, we have to play musical chairs and shift everything around. Only, if WarMan is still sleeping in his recliner in the master bedroom...well, neither WarMan and PunkRock want to sleep in a room together, I am sure.

So the idea now is to move WarMan's recliner into the bedroom he is currently using as an office. There should be enough room if we remove my craft desk that he set up for me - which I am not using now anyway. :( I think that should be ok. WarMan is worried about the bathroom situation, as he does currently have the master bathroom and if he moves down the hall, he can't very well be intruding on PunkRock in there if PunkRock is sleeping. I told him that his office is directly across the hall from the main full bath, and he can use that. And if it is in use, he can go down to the basement and use that full bathroom. I mean, my house has 3 1/2 bathrooms! It's just a matter of logistics, not a lack of facilities.

The irony is not lost on me though. WarMan broke his promise to me about staying put and reassessing everything in September, only to now not have a place lined up in September. It's really very sad.

He asked me today, how I was doing. I really didn't understand the question. Like, in what aspect? He said he had been hoping we could be friends and I told him I didn't see what he meant. I don't feel that it is healthy for me emotionally right now to try and build something new with him until I process the old. I need to meet with my therapist a few more times and get his opinion on things and any changes going on.

Having someone in my life with severe issues that isn't getting help - I don't think that I can deal with it. It's like, I have enough people in my life that drain my mental resources. His depression is all encompassing, but he refuses to make positive changes or take steps to get assistance with it. I can't be responsible for his inability to listen to the professionals. Until I can take a step back and disengage, it is going to be difficult for me to watch him spiral and make no progress.
 
It is very hard to get over being hurt and angry after a break up when the person who up and left you is still hanging about. Doing the "no contact" for a couple months is a little tricky when you live in the same house.

As to your daughter and school, how does your state handle 504 plans/IEPs etc? I know that here they continue into college. I know someone whose son got special set ups for his college exams, extra time and I think taking it alone rather than in a room packed with tense other people. My friend said we should be sure to keep up with our son's 504 for that reason.

Leetah
 
Bluebird said:
We are really going to look at the Martinsburg, WV area soon, and the Hanover area of Pennsylvania has been popping up lately. PunkRock's stepsister lives there. I haven't ruled out Indiana yet either, I don't think. I need to go through my state list - I haven't looked at it in ages.
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Two words that I think you might appreciate as you consider Indiana... Gen Con. :-D
 
Haha YES to GenCon. I played two WarMachine games today against new players - one was a non-journeyman 75 point game and I lost horribly, and then played a +15 battlebox journeyman league and won. I came home after that because the store was sweltering.

Leetah: daughter had an IEP back in 5th grade, the last time she went to public school. On the strength of that, she received speech services for a few years. But when we moved to Maryland, they wouldn't provide any Special Ed services while she was being homeschooled. And, they wanted an in-state evaluation done, not covered by insurance or the school district, at a very high cost. Since it wouldn't do her any good, we didn't pursue it any longer. So in order for her to get services in college, she would have to pay to have another evaluation done. And then, she'd probably only be given extended time for tests, which 70-80% of the time she doesn't need. They can't mitigate her not remembering anything. She might qualify for a note taker, but for the classes she wants to take, most of it is hands on anyway. So, we don't see the value in it right now.
 
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So, Monday is today, and it's a new week. I am excited to do some painting today and some more planning for my class. The planning is going to take precedence.

This weekend was pretty great. Friday night was amazeballs! DarkKnight, PunkRock and I went to a Call of Cthulhu RPG and we had so much fun. The premise was that we were at a gulag in Siberia in 1947 and everyone was turning into these weird zombie things. DarkKnight was a navigator on a ship that had just arrived, bringing new prisoners, and PunkRock was a geologist sent by Stalin himself to investigate takes of uranium being found in the mines. I was a prisoner of the gulag, having been sent there because my father spoke against the government. DarkKnight almost immediately made me hate his character because after the group of people cut me down (I had been tied up in the Commandant's torture room to be beaten and raped) he showed me his gun and wouldn't let me arm myself because I was frantic and terrified. PunkRock was more sympathetic and gave me a swig of vodka, which I shortly vomited up and was then useless for a large swath of time. His character was actually written that he had met me once at a fancy dress ball and had been attracted to me, but never said anything. I recognized him as a potential savior, so I glommed onto him and spent the entire night pretty much hindering his game. Lol

I actually hated my character because she was such a freaking stereotypical scared and useless girl. That said, the entire group voted me as the best character and I won a book. I had voted for this guy that played the gulag's Doctor because he was really into it as well. There was another prize - a Cthulhu lanyard - and he won that, so that made me happy.

Actually, PunkRock, DarkKnight and I all survived the massacre and escaped to the boat at the end. It wasn't for me not trying to screw them up with my hysterical ways though. Lol Everyone else was turned into monsters that we had to kill to escape.

We are already signed up to do the next one, which is in a couple of weeks.

On Saturday I was invited to the game store to play WarMachine with a couple of new players, so that was fun too. I played a 75 point game and lost terribly, and then played a regular journeyman level game and won. And won spectacularly, against Menoth. So that was pretty great. That evening, PunkRock, DarkKnight and I decided to go to the Hibachi Buffet, so that was fun too. :)

On Sunday, yesterday, it was the regular Journeyman League matchup. I went in and played against a friend and lost so quickly, it was really bad! I was pretty bummed and spent the rest of my time at the game store painting. I was actually really having a difficult time because WarMan was there, and Monkey's husband and son were there for a short bit. They said hi to me, and I was cool, but it was unsettling. I really need a break from WarMan if there is any hope of us ever having any sort of positive interaction long term. I spend a lot of energy trying to be friendly, but there's this knot of hate and anger inside of me, that flares up. It's more self directed - I am angry at MYSELF for being taken in and trusting him. There is no way for me to let that soften into any sort of friendship until I have some space to deal with things.

He was actually talking about going to an upcoming Call of Cthulhu, and if he were to show up, I would seriously not be able to handle that. There is ZERO chance that I would be able to be okay with that level of interaction. I would just have to leave.

Things have changed again, actually, as WarMan told me yesterday that now he may have found someplace to relocate to later this month. So we will see. He didn't order a POD yet.
 
I just spent most of the morning and afternoon on my class curriculum. I have the first field trip planned, emails out and I am hoping everything goes well.

I also did a crap ton of budgeting. PunkRockAwesomesauce's car is still broken down and we are making do swapping around with my car. This has become increasingly more difficult as my daughter has been wanting to take off with it for shopping, fun with friends and her part time job. Originally we had planned to have PunkRock's ride fixed by the end of the month, but other unexpected costs popped up and we had to deal with those first. I have felt my stress level rising, but with me, as long as I have a plan, I can manage the anxiety.

And, I have a plan, peeps. :) We have to wait until September 9, but that isn't too terribly far away. We won't have to put the repair on a credit card, or finance it, it will just be complete. $1800 is a significant cut out of my account! DarkKnight has been transferring payments to a special savings account just for this, so I don't even have to think about it, it just gets done by him. PunkRock and I tell him how much to take, and he's handling it. Yay! Today I worked out the last larger chunk out of my budgeting schedule, and it should be just fine.

The other thing that has been giving me fits is that my daughter's cat Stuart STILL needs surgery. He is doing ok, but I am not happy with having to keep putting it off. According to my budget, that should be done by the end of September as well.

I had a slight derailment in the mail yesterday - we received a $415 medical bill for PunkRock's CPAP machine. We were under the impression it was completely covered by insurance, but apparently the separate parts - the masks, tubes, etc are applied against his deductible and so we have to pay 100% of those. You can imagine that this was not met with excitement. But, I stuck that in the budget and I can get it paid next month too. So between this bill and Stuart's surgery, it's an additional $1000 out of my operating expenses. I am sooooo not happy. However, it's manageable. I should not be upset - I mean, at least we are doing well enough that I can swing it. We are doing amazingly ok, considering that I have said no to credit cards the entire year.

That said, I really need to set aside some time to do some serious number crunching and credit report perusals for the house hunting next year. There are still so many freaking unknowns that it is giving me anxiety as well. I saw a house today on Zillow that would be perfect - a duplex with 3 bedrooms & 1 bath on each side, neither side needing too much work, under the price we would be willing to pay, in an area we are highly considering. I want to jump up and down and go grab it, but of course I can't do that. I need to figure out loan stuff first, and who is actually going to be financing this mortgage. if we are even going to get a mortgage right away - we have still been discussing here and there about renting again first, in the new area, just to make sure we are positive about the location before investing in a permanent residence.
 
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