Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

If you have decent credit apply for a Care credit card. It is a medical credit card that can be used at medical and dental practices both human and veterinary even rite aid takes it. Purchases over $200 are 6 months no interest. It helps in a pinch and you know you can pay it off.
 
Normally everything is covered through our flexible spending accounts, but we GREATLY underestimated PunkRock's medical expenses this year, and next year he is looking at 2 surgeries - he has carpal tunnel in both wrists. I am not looking to take out new credit cards right before buying a house, though that is a good recommendation, otherwise. :)

Good news - WarMan found an apartment and will be moving SATURDAY. He'll be living in the same small town as Monkey. Not surprised. Maybe someday he will be able to see that his bond with her is completely toxic to his life and his other relationships.
 
Lots of movement and discussion about home buying today. I actually popped up with hives this afternoon! I can only attribute it to stress - it happens sometimes. Ugh. I have all these little red welts up and down my forearms. They don't itch, just look annoying. Sigh.

Anyway, I talked with both of my guys separately, did a lot of reading online, and I pulled out the credit reports I had gotten back in January. We've been able to nail down some specifics, so that is always good.

1. We aren't going to leave Maryland. My kids are here, and I have never been happier in any other location. My husbands are both ok with the area, though they have conflicting wants as far as DarkKnight would prefer city life, while PunkRock wants to be away from everything. The reality is that we would probably be ok just about anywhere, as long as we can reach a mid-size metro center within 30 minutes.

2. DarkKnight has an issue with his credit report that is going to preclude him being on any mortgage. It is concerning, but after calculations, right now we are going to just set that idea aside. We may choose to pursue removing this garbage from his report at some point, but right now, it just doesn't make sense. We are going to talk about it more in a few months, but right now, he's tabled as a borrower. This is a good thing in that now I only need to focus on making PunkRock mortgage-ready.

3. PunkRock is actually looking ok, credit-wise. He has a couple of small issues, and I have started the process of getting those fixed. The main focus for us is going to be getting him some new open tradelines. He has several closed, pays as agreed credit cards with 10 years worth of history, and all of his student loans are paid in full with no lates - he just has nothing recent! He bought his car in 2010 with cash, so he doesn't even have a car payment on there. So, we need to see about getting the couple of negative things removed from his report, and get new tradelines active. It would be even better if we could reopen one of the closed credit cards and have them report as being open and awesome...

4. We are not interested in rent-to-own or owner finance properties, so we are going to have to let any brand new credit card tradelines age for at least 6 months, if not for a full year before pursuing a mortgage.

5. Since the government considers him single, PunkRock actually qualifies for some low income, first time homebuyer programs - one in particular is USDA - so those are something we are going to look in to doing. Some don't even require a down payment. The downpayment isn't really an issue though, since DarkKnight has about $15000 he can access and transfer over to PunkRock. If we need a downpayment, we'll do that, giving it a couple of months to season in PunkRock's account, and it'll be good to go.

6. Hopefully PunkRock will have perfect credit by January, at which time we'll have one of two options: He can sign up for a program like the USDA one and see what happens. Or, since his income isn't so low for the houses we are considering with a DarkKnight downpayment, he could see about qualifying for a conventional loan, as his DTI would be below 40%.

7. IF any of the programs want to see a year or more of open tradelines though, we will move and rent for another 6 months to a year. All of us are comfortable with that, though just a tad disappointed. It really would mean we could scope out the area we want to move to before purchasing. I contacted a close friend whose mother AND cousin both rent houses and duplexes out, and she says she thinks they will be excited to have a solid renter like us in their properties. In the past few years, they have had their houses pretty much destroyed more than once by tenants. So to have someone stable like us in there would help them, and it would help us in that we'd get to know the area. If we decide to stay in our current city, we could just contact our rental management company and tell them we want to downsize as well. We have a perfect 3 year rental history with them, so its not like we have to ditch town. lol

So, I have some work ahead of me, but things are looking up. We have options. :)

Oh, some other things we discussed - if we are renting for a year, outside of our current area, I probably would shut down my science education business. I would probably try and snag a low-stress retail job on a part time basis, just to have some extra cash to throw toward the downpayment. If we have to wait another year, I'd like to be able to put more than $15000 down. Our long term goal is to pay off our mortgage within 5 years.
 
My oldest daughter called me tonight and we talked for 45 minutes. She inadvertently reminded me that today would have been the one year anniversary of WarMan and I. Honestly, today was so great and full of love with both PunkRock and DarkKnight that I never even noticed. That sort of made it worse, I think, tonight, when I realized.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up and take PunkRock to work so I am not going to post anything else tonight. Except, the poem I've been working on and writing since WarMan and I split. I haven't shown anyone or posted it because the anger and hurt at the end is a wound I feel that I wish wasn't there. I was kinda waiting for it to no longer be a truth but it exists still. It probably will for a while, I suppose. So anyway...



Quantum Fluctuations

See, I think
Atoms are easy to understand:
Elements are intertwined;
Forged in the belly of a dying star.
Wrapped and reorganized,
Smashed together as they are surrounded,
Sustained in a chaotic plasmic soup.
After their birth, they are shot together
Out into the universe.

In close contact,
Your atoms resonate
And my soul sings back.
We come from the same star.
Heat is always released when elements collide.
Photons firing in our optics,
We see ourselves whole again.
This,
This is entanglement.

But wait.

When I look over the equations scratched out and rewritten on the blackboard,
Over time, my theory has been disproven.

But there had been,
Maybe,
At least,
A spark between our suns?

No.

Just no.

I'm not a a rocket scientist.
My theory was flawed.
You weren't even from the same constellation.
Upon further spectral analysis,
You come from a galaxy far, far away.
The red shift now confirms it.

When we die,
Our atoms will disperse and find new homes,
New whens and new wheres,
New people to be.

A cosmic treasure hunt,
The hide-and-go-seek of a soul.

Our elements may find each other again.

Can I write a note and pin it to your Hydrogen?
Tell your Sulphur it needs to stink up someone else's life.
Point your Carbon footprints in a different direction, please.
I'm sending your soup back to the kitchen;
Erasing chalk lines that I once thought showed connections.
Stay hidden next time.
 
Aww, Bluebird! That is one amazing, brilliant, and awe-inspiring poem. Really, I love when you post your poems. You could publish your poetry, and this one is... stellar!

So sorry it still cuts so deeply when you think of WarMan and how things went down, but I think it's a good sign that you hadn't realized or thought about the anniversary.
 
Thanks.

It does still hurt. My main emotion has continued to be anger toward myself for not stopping the relationship earlier. I know this is tied into my attachment issues and I am awaiting my therapy appointment to discuss how to rechannel my feelings more appropriately.

Thankfully, my life continues to be busy and full of important things to concentrate on doing, and I have plenty of positive distractions.
 
I had really good sexy times with DarkKnight last night, though I didn't end up sleeping in his bedroom. I actually haven't had an overnight with him for about a week. The central air doesn't push up into his bedroom, and though he himself is cool because of a fan, when I am with him, I get wedged between DarkKnight and the wall. He's a heat rock, and with blankets - gah! Hopefully the heat wave is over and I can resume overnight snuggle time soon.

So I have been sleeping with PunkRock all week. Have I mentioned how much I hate his bed?! The mattress is not comfortable, in my opinion, at all. It's just too soft. He loves it, but ugh - I really need a firm foundation at night. Over the years I have gotten used to it. I am looking forward to being back in my King bed half the time once WarMan is gone.

I am excited to start back up with the Humane Society and doing foster care again. My friend sent me a photo yesterday of 5 motherless kittens who are in a quarantine cage right now. Oh! I wanted to go grab them! However, there is no way I can just rush into things - once we get PunkRock's bedroom cleared out, we want to spend some time doing design work so it is perfect for our fosters. It has a tile floor, so that is a huge plus for kittens with poop problems. :) The other benefit of the space is that it is directly connected to DarkKnight's office, so during the day, he can open his door and play with a passle of kittens! My daughter and PunkRock are going to build a new cat tree just for the room, and we are already discussing slapping up some wall shelves, so the cats can climb up high.
 
Lots going on. I need to backtrack a few days since I haven't posted, but things are kinda ugh at the moment. My period is due in a few days and that isn't helping my emotional stuff right now. Oh! And I have another dental appointment tomorrow - actually two back-to-back appointments, the first is for two fillings and the other is for a scan for my permanent retainer. If you can imagine - I am not doing well in preparation for this. So that is coloring my mood as well.

To catch up to today - we found out that DarkKnight's cousin's daughter has bone cancer. She's a very sick little girl but she looks and feels normal. She's only 10. My heart hurts for them. They are looking at inpatient treatment for over a year. I don't know anything else at this point.

This news came on top of the fact that today was DarkKnight's annual family reunion. I didn't go. The last time I went to a family event, I was treated like a complete pariah and no one would talk to me. I didn't want to feel that rejection and shame, especially when I have done nothing wrong. I was actually really bummed that DarkKnight was going to go without me. Lately in regard to this side of his family, I feel like he doesn't back me up much. I talked about it a little bit yesterday with PunkRock, and I actually was surprised at how emotional it made me. These people used to treat me like I was just the greatest, now there's a huge bubble of silence surrounding me at every get together. It's like, I'm being shunned. I'm a nonperson and invisible.

I will write more later.
 
I got my period this morning. Gotta love it. :/

Found out more about our little relative who has bone cancer - she's actually looking at 2 years inpatient treatment. I haven't had time to do any reading yet about the condition. Her parents are devastated and my heart is aching for them.

More about DarkKnight & the family reunion - he had a talk with his grandmother, and she said that maybe I don't want to show up to things because I am ashamed of my behavior. He said he got so angry, that he almost left. He said he also spoke to his one cousin's wife, and she was really shocked when she heard how I felt and why I hadn't attended the event. She actually reached out to me on Facebook last night, and DarkKnight said she had told him that she felt so blessed to have me as a friend. I actually have never had any issues with our own age of folks - cousins and the like - it's the older generations that are jerkfaces. Sigh. I don't know. I am not going to try and forge relationships with people who have low opinions of me. It just isn't worth it. I do feel better that DarkKnight did tell some of his relatives what's up though.
 
So, in the midst of all this family stuff going on, WarMan did move out on Saturday. I made myself scarce during the process, and spent the morning working on my class curriculum - Astronomy starts next week and I am behind with being prepared.

Friday night was super difficult for me. I fell asleep crying in PunkRock's arms. It just hurts so much, thinking about how much I loved WarMan, and how he systematically shut me down, broke me down and left me empty.

Anyway.

Even writing about this is difficult. I will do more later.
 
To clarify news about our cousin's daughter - there is a tumor in her knee that an MRI shows has spread to the surrounding muscle. A CT scan also indicates there are spots in one of her lungs as well. They can't confirm or rule out lung cancer at this time. The hospital did a biopsy yesterday to tell what kind of cancer is in her leg and an answer should be had by Friday. This is all so terribly sad. This family has had so much tragedy, I really feel for them. They have 8 children, and this little girl is their oldest biological kiddo. (They adopted 4 older special needs kiddos from China.) I am thinking about how we can assist, but right now everyone is on hold until we have definitive answers and a solid plan moving forward. DarkKnight has always been close to this cousin, as they are the same age and went to school together.

Today is PunkRock's day off. He has a doctor checkup in a few hours, and then he is heading to Martinsburg, to go to the game store to drop off his painting contest entry. He didn't win the last competition, and it seemed pretty rigged, to tell the truth. The model that had the highest score looked non-professional, much more just tabletop quality - no precision or anything. When we had gone to check out the competition, it was a model we had actually looked at and moved on from, as it was obviously not to the same caliber as other entries. It was a shock that it had won. It's one thing to lose, but another altogether to lose to an entry that is not deserving, if you get what I am saying! Anyway, he decided to enter this recurring contest one more time, to see if the judging gets any better. His entry is really good again, so I hope it gets some love.

I am crapping out with WarMachine lately. I missed Sunday's gathering due to all the family stuff going on and my emotional upheaval over it. WarMan messaged me back when I told him I wasn't going then, and he was really ugh about it. He has asked me no less than 3 times on different occasions if he should drop out of the league to avoid me, and each time I have to tell him that I really don't care, that it isn't an issue at all with him being there. I am getting pretty annoyed with having to keep giving reassurance. If I am unhappy with him being someplace, then that is on me, not him. I believe he thinks he is being nice by trying to consider my feelings, but it is obvious to me that he feels better when he can point to something specific and say "I did this! Look at how considerate I am!" when it doesn't require much effort. I mean, he's been talking about dropping the league since it started and he's depressed. Not showing up would be a zero on the difficulty scale, KWIM?

At one point he texted, "I am perfectly aware that you're life is awesome and you don't need me for anything." This infuriated me. The issue is that I DID DESPERATELY need him for things, and he refused to give them to me - physical contact, sex, truthfulness, dependability, for him to back up what he promised to do. Is it really so hard to believe that I don't want to hitch any little bit of my emotional stability to him at all anymore?

I really believe he thinks that we will come back together and have some sort of great relationship in the future. This is so crazy to me. He absolutely knows that I am in therapy for my attachment issues, and that for me, trust is something that is super hard. And he straight up promised to give us until September 1 to work on things, and then he changed his mind unilaterally, and left me with even larger issues. The therapist TOLD him that he was ignoring our compromise and leaving me with no where to turn, and that his clinical depression needed to be addressed with medication changes, and then he discounted all that and did what he wanted anyway...yeah, there is no relationship that is going to rise from the ashes there. He burned us to the fucking ground.

Yeah. I'm still really angry at how badly I let myself be hurt by him.

I wrote in another thread, and I wanted to get it here, because it resonated with me so strongly when I wrote it:

I think it is good, moving forward, to be flexible in my openness and thoughts of the future, but I will not ever again allow myself to become attached to someone who asks for the moon but has zero experience with flying a spaceship.
 
Ok, positive stuff - gotta focus and get out of the funk!

I have been working all morning on credit reporting and mortgage stuff. I received some new information today that turned our plans around - maybe. It looks like DarkKnight might be able to swing the mortgage after all, when I had previously discarded that idea based on his reports. I managed to pull his 3rd credit report today and a notation made me think a little harder, and do more digging, and yeah, I think this will actually be ok. I am still going to work on PunkRock's credit, because that needs to be done, but if I can get DarkKnight lined up to go on his own - we'll be in a MUCH better position because he has the income and the down payment and the scores. We won't need to do any research on low income programs or think about transferring the downpayment money around so things will fund correctly with DarkKnight on the mortgage. Squee! However, this means now I have two reports to focus on and I need to lay out a plan of action for DarkKnight's credit as well, so we can have everything looking perfect when the time comes.

Good news too - I was able to snag another student for my Astronomy course, so both classes are at capacity. That's more money in my pocket for not much extra work. W00T! I was looking at the roster today and I am actually amazed, because when I first started my business, the students were all from the one homeschool organization that I belonged to and I knew the parents personally. After 3 years, only one of the parents belongs to this co-op, and most of the families I don't know outside of my class at all. That makes me feel good that my teaching is appreciated. It's all word of mouth, because I don't have a website for my company. I spent all morning yesterday - after the dental appointments - working on curriculum. I now only have 4 more weeks of course material to review. I think I will worry about that Thursday.

Tomorrow is going to be fun - PunkRock and I are finally going to Hershey Park. I bought the tickets months and months ago. My daughter and her best friend will be traveling with us, but I doubt we'll see much of either of them during the day! The weather looks good - we have had to cancel this trip twice now due to rain. I haven't been there in quite a while - DarkKnight and I went a few years ago, and he wasn't interested in going again this time. It will be nice to have a day away to not have to focus on anything but enjoying times with PunkRock.
 
Have fun at Hersheypark. We did that in July. Early this month we went to Dorney park. The PA Ren Faire is going on until October. You save $5/ticket if you buy online. We went last weekend the theme this year is Henry the 8th. In October at Strasburg Railroad is Steampunk weekend and they have a train escape scenario and a murder mystery train that weekend. My 13 yo is huge into steampunk.
 
Yeah, we had to cancel our summer plans due to PunkRock's car soaking up all the cash. The only reason Hershey Park stayed on our calendar was because I pre-purchased the tickets months ago. I am really craving a beach vacation but it just isn't going to happen. Maybe I can swing it in October.
 
Today has been fun so far at Hershey Park!

5E29C09C-5405-4F71-8ED5-35529843053D_zpsrzsc7zyq.jpg
 
Thanks! I wasn't excited that PunkRock took a full body shot of me when I am so overweight, but the pic makes me smile. It reminds me of the last time we pulled out our little pool and had some sploshing fun. It's been too long!

Yesterday was amazing - I had a complete blast! It was so much fun to just be with PunkRock and ride scary roller coasters and just focus on each other. We've gone to Great Wolf Lodge 3 years in a row, but we've never done an amusement park together. It was great.

This morning though...ugh. I have a sunburn on the top of my head and a little color on my chest and face. Those last two aren't bad at all; I must have just forgot a single application of sunscreen, because I was constantly reapplying that shit! My hair part-line though - owwwwwww! And my voice is all hoarse from screaming like crazy on some of the rides.

That was just the start of a not-so-good day though. I woke up achy and exhausted and figured I'd just shower after driving and dropping PunkRock off at work. However, once I started backing out of the driveway, I realized we had a flat tire! So PunkRock had to call in late and switch to the donut, which was flat as well. Luckily, we have an air compressor and we were able to fill that back up. I dropped off the tire for a patch (it was just a screw, thank goodness) and then dropped of PunkRock. Waiting took over 2 hours, as the place was really busy.

So that screwed up my morning. And that was an unexpected $40 hit. Preceded by DarkKnight telling me that he got $100 less than anticipated in his overtime, so that means our savings account total is sitting at less than I'd like. :(

I have therapy today at 2 pm, and I am not looking forward to dealing with all that emotional stuff right now. I mean, I am glad to have an outlet for that, but I'm just tired of being angry and hurt. It's time to move on.
 
I had a really good therapy appointment yesterday. It was interesting to talk to my therapist about WarMan, and get his take on things. I really feel like it was a positive conversation that will help me move forward, as I desperately want to do. One thing that he made me see is that hindsight really is 20/20, as as much as I can look back on things now and see the warning signs that it was not going to work out, I can't be hating myself for overlooking them at the time.

He asked me a lot about my still existing relationships, and if I thought there would be fallout. I am happy to say that I think everything is good on that front. PunkRock has taken the brunt of my upset and anxiety, unfortunately, but he loves me and is hanging in there. It isn't his fault that my trust issues are back with a vengeance. He's exasperated, I think, to a certain extent, that I am so out of sorts, but he is going with the flow. I talked to him some after my therapy appointment, at dinner last night, and he loves me lots. :) Actually, at a random point out of nowhere, he just said, "I love my wife." He makes me feel appreciated and wanted, and I really need that, more than ever.

I did apologize for being so fucking needy lately, and PunkRock told me that if he needed more space, he'd tell me. Also that he chooses to be there, he is showing up. He wants to be with me. The last few days we've had lots of time together that he could have canceled, if he felt like he was being smothered, and he didn't. So that helped. Because it is totally true. Sometimes I feel like lately I am bouncing from needing reassurance that I am loved, to being anxious about needing that reassurance - that it will cause issues. The therapist says that this is normal, even more so with my attachment issues on top of things, that I need reassurance. As long as PunkRock is fine with it, then I need to be fine with it too. So I will be. I do trust PunkRock to tell me to go away. :) He is actually really great about that.

I think the reason I am not as clingy with DarkKnight is because he's got a decade behind him. PunkRock and I have only been together for a few years. Also, he had that rocky patch with his emotions in January. So I still feel like I need to check in and get reassurance.

It's all good.

I think if I keep repeating that, it will be!

Bad news is that WarMan did not keep his previously scheduled therapy appointment. The therapist asked if I thought he would show, and I thought not. However, I know that the office calls as a reminder, so why WarMan wouldn't call to cancel or reschedule...I don't know. I ended up leaving late because our session went long, and then the therapist obviously had a free hour since WarMan didn't go. This made me sad, because WarMan DESPERATELY needs therapy, in my opinion. The therapist had a lot of insights, actually, on WarMan's issues, that seemed spot on when we talked, so I hope he called and made another appointment. Unfortunately though, I don't think he did. I texted him after I left, to tell him that hey, you missed your appointment and you should probably call. He didn't respond, so that's all I sent.

I have a box of stuff that WarMan left behind, sitting on my porch. He told me he'd come pick it up, but he didn't. There are some medical bills, and a fan, and his TV remote. I don't really know how long it is going to sit out there, but I am not going to have it there for very long - my class is starting next week and it is inappropriate for it to be there. So probably I will give it til Saturday and then I am going to chuck it all in the trash. Hopefully he stops and grabs it at some point. I am done texting him about anything, honestly. The medical thing I will just put back in the mailbox, please forward or something like that. Even if he asked me about the fan, if he wants it, he'd come get it, I think. I don't want it here, it's like, negative baggage.

Um - positive stuff! Kittens! My daughter and I have been working on PunkRock's old bedroom and it is almost ready to house some foster babies! We have a couple of different options and I am unsure which bunch of kittens we will end up with. We were thinking of taking two single kittens and housing them together, but we may instead get this sibling group of 5 with no mom. Or, a mom with 4 babies. It's up in the air at this point, but we are going to the shelter at around 3:30, when PunkRock gets home from work.
 
We now are taking care of 5 5-week old kittens! We named them after PeeWee's Playhouse - PeeWee, Miss Yvonne, Penny, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi. :) They are so freaking cute!

This was the scene at midnight - apparently
My youngest daughter and Jambi are besties now!

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All of them are currently on medicine for sniffles and sneezes. They had been in a cage at the shelter with no mommy since the 4th of August, so they are enjoying the freedom of running around like lunatics in PunkRock's old bedroom.

Call of Cthulhu was super fun again last night. DarkKnight's character sacrificed himself so everyone could live, and a guy that we play WarMachine with normally ended up batshit insane. PunkRock and I both lived with very little damage to our sanity. :) I was once again voted the best character player - I was a congresswoman. Lol I am not a good actor so people be tripping. Lol
 
Woke up to pictures of sweet kittens on my phone. I went down early to spell DarkKnight, who was absolutely covered in them! :) Their personalities are really coming out, now that they are settled, and it is just adorable to watch them interact with each other and the world.

I think kittens are good for me in the mornings. That is usually the most difficult time of day for me. I wake up, thinking about WarMan, and everything that he said to me. So I am really down and not feeling happy. Kittens can fix anything, for a bit!

For a little while, I kept a list on the notepad on my phone. It's kind of embarrassing. I really felt like WarMan was gaslighting me so very badly - I wanted a record to look at, to know I wasn't going crazy. When he'd tell me I was just not remembering correctly, or that I was nuts because he never said something, I could look and know the truth of things.

"I thought this would only be 1/3 of a relationship. Not like, an actual relationship, where I'd have to consider your feelings all the time."

"Your anxiety makes me feel bad. I don't like feeling unhappy. Can't you just change that?"

"You need to think more about how you sound. That was crude. Women shouldn't say things like that that."

I am deleting this note today. I am tired of looking at it and feeling like shit every time I re-read it. There is more, but honestly, I don't need it. I DO remember everything I need to know.

****
I will never forget
The way you made me feel
Like I was everything.
I will never forget
The way you made me feel
Like I was nothing.
****

ugh. Fuck mornings.

Anyway, yesterday I finished my curriculum updates. I need to now print out everything for all the students, collate the information and get all the paperwork hole-punched. PunkRock works the afternoon til night shift today, and my daughter is going to a pool party - this means she will have to take him to work to keep the car. I am going to have her get me some more sidewalk chalk while she is out, so I can draw the planets up the sidewalk to my house. That way when the kids arrive for class on Monday afternoon, they will have a fun mural to lead the way. I won't draw it til Monday morning though. But, I need to get the chalk. I had a big box, but I used a lot of it drawing out the quantum entanglement silliness a short while back for PunkRock.

I have still been texting a lot with Greg. He has a theater show this weekend only, and I think he was really disappointed I didn't come and see him perform. It's still too much for me to think about dating anyone, and I think if I had gone, he'd take that as encouragement. Honestly, when I think about that, I feel exhausted. I don't want to be responsible for his heart or his feelings. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's heart or feelings other than my husbands'. So far Greg really has been keeping things light and chatty, but I know what his goal is, as he has always been up front about it. He wants to date me, and he wishes I had never broken up with him when I did a couple years back. I know he was hurt when he read on Facebook that I was dating WarMan, and I think he's going to make sure I don't forget about him this time.

I don't want to give the wrong impression - he isn't pressuring me or being a jerkface. This is more about me. I'm just not in the mindset to think about dating. Not when I still love WarMan.
 
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