I had a knee jerk reaction to delete your post, WarMan, but I always strive to be helpful with my journal, as well as open about my feelings. So, I’m going to respond.
When I saw your post, it generated anxiety for me all day long. I’ve started and stopped, written and erased words. Nothing seems right, so here is everything - my mixed up thoughts and jumbled beginnings. Crossed out, cut and paste - all of it I wanted to say, and none of it feels adequate. It’s not eloquent, because that is something I seem to have lost the ability to be, when you are involved.
So.
The damage you did is still being felt. You can see that in what I wrote previously. I am not going to write words here to let you off the hook, if that was your hope.
I am full of anger, still. I don’t like having that inside of me. It’s often a wasted emotion. It’s a useless endeavor. It’s a poison that I don’t like feeling or experiencing. It reminds me that I still have work to do, so maybe that’s a positive??? Whatever.
That anger is a cover for raw hurt. It’s sadness and yearning for a love that will never, ever be again. Yet, when I see your words, I feel a hope rise up in me that things could be different, that we could try again.
In spite of everything, I am still susceptible to you.
I don’t feel safe when you write me.
You see, I also realized that the minute I read what you wrote, I was trying super hard to make what you did ok. And you know what, normalizing abuse is NOT okay. The fact that my first reaction is to struggle in my head to make it all just fine and not a big deal - that’s crazypants. To minimize abuse is not healthy.
So that’s where the anger is coming from. I am angry that in spite of everything, my first reaction is forgiveness, immediately followed with a desperation to regain what I lost.
This is probably not surprising to anyone that knows me. When I love, I’m all in, 100%. I can’t just shut that shit off like a switch. A year later, it’s still there. And, of fucking course, I would turn the negative feelings on myself, because that’s just who I am.
This is in spite of reading article after article on gaslighting and dysfunctional relationships. Besides making lists, attending therapy and doing exercises to recognize my own screwed up ways. In spite of re-reading the notes that I took, that clearly show that you would alter statements you made, that prove I was not going crazy. I mean, even the last messages we sent, AFTER we had split up, you were gaslighting me! I look at the proof that it was not all in my head - that this HAPPENED - and I allowed it to happen - and I STILL turn toward minimizing it.
It’s not okay.
To anyone that is not WarMan who is reading this, please use this article to help recognize gaslighting, and see if this is happening to you.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.ps...arning-signs-gaslighting-in-relationships?amp
And to those of you that ARE WarMan and reading this, also click on that to read. There’s a link at the bottom of that page, that has another article - Are Gaslighters Aware of What They Do? - and read that too. The most important takeaway for me was the last bit:
If a gaslighter is not aware of their manipulative behavior, that does not make it acceptable—it is still pathological, and it is still their responsibility.
What you did was unacceptable. Apologies are hollow unless you’ve done something to fix it. I hope that you have gotten help so you have learned not to do this to those you care about. Because if you truly are sorry, and if you have stopped with that behavior, you would make an amazing partner for someone. I wish it was me. But it won’t be.
Friends don’t hurt each other the way you hurt me. Lovers, even less so.
I won’t minimize the way I feel about you by adding modifiers like “in my own way” or “fondly.” I do still love you, and it sucks. I love myself too, though, and that’s where my focus will continue to be for now.