I had a really good therapy session this morning, but I haven't really had time to process it much. This entry is the start of that, honestly. So if you are uninterested in a bunch of me "thinking out loud" then you can skip this. lol I am in the middle of stuff here at the Blessing Box, so I might have to save and come back. Ugh. Anyway...
The therapist and I talked a lot about three things - anxiety, control and trust. Which, honestly, are my big 3!
The therapist identified that I have several different types of anxiety, first being the founded, directly attributable type that we can label due to my dental issues. He says, duh, of course I would have anxiety surrounding my teeth - every time I go to the dentist office, I am hurt and experience setbacks. So, no problem, really. That is to be expected. I sometimes get anxiety as well, surrounding high-stress level events in my life - dealing with my extended family and their drug issues, when experiencing pressure about financial issues, worrying about my kids and the events in their lives. He says this is pretty normal, and he thinks that the way I handle both of these types of anxiety is ok. Yes, I have to pop a pill to deal with the dentist, but it seems that should be necessary - not everyone can handle that type of ongoing trauma. (I almost-cried every second we were talking about this topic. Especially when he was calling it trauma. It is really fucking traumatic for me.) And everyone has some anxiety and stress in their lives, and the way that I make lists and focus on solutions isn't a bad way to handle it. So yay!
However, my other two sources of anxiety are linked to PunkRockAwesomesauce, and those didn't make me too happy to discuss. I have unfounded stress and worry over the idea of him suddenly not wanting to be with me any more, and I seem to latch on to that when he doesn't want to have sex, or if he personally is experiencing discomfort - a bad day at work, difficulty with a chore, whatever. I do recognize that it's a ridiculous feeling, but sometimes I let my thoughts race and then ramp up the negative energy. This isn't good, and I need to work on this.
The second part of anxiety surrounding PunkRock, has to deal with my thought that he isn't telling me the entire truth about things. He has withheld his feelings and important information from me in the past - like when I started dating and he was uncertain about it, or wanting me to put the brakes on, only he doesn't articulate that. So whenever I am dealing with an important-to-me activity, I get anxious about whether he is really ok with things or not. This is not conducive to polyamory!
A lot of these anxious feelings link back to my need to be in control, and my fear of not being in control of my life. Dental issues - yeah, I can't do anything about that, AT ALL, and hello, medication. Extended family issues, those I do have some control over, and the ones that I don't, I limit my exposure to them - I ignore calls from my mom, don't talk to my sister, etc. This is ok. With PunkRock's love leaving, well, I don't have any control over that either. We didn't really discuss what to do about that yet.
I do know that I personally react in a couple of ways, one which is good, and one which is not so good. When I feel myself getting anxious over his own personal issues and start blaming myself and wondering if he is going to leave, I actually physically remove myself from his presence. I have tried to do that more often lately, actually. When he has a heightened unhappiness, witnessing that triggers me and leaving the vicinity is what I feel is best. I also have a positive list, which I look at if I am really unsettled, of reasons why PunkRock loves me.
This actually was suggested by a book I read, but I don't remember the title. It was about reassuring yourself, without demanding reassurance from another person. Like, if PunkRock is already having a shitty day, suddenly having to deal with me getting worried and stressing isn't going to improve it. So if I can step away, and then deal with my issue without involving him in the nonsense, that can only be good. It's a way that I gain control over the situation, without trying to control how PunkRock processes things.
I have zero control over whether PunkRock decides to share his true feelings on a topic with me. Which then bleeds into the idea of trust.
Because of my background, my trust issues are actually terrible. I have had attachment problems my entire life. I've written about them here before, and they are fucking difficult. I have worked for years on fixing my preoccupied personality type - with different therapists and by myself, and made a shit ton of gains all over the place. However, the people I have married and dated in the past, have caused me to regress and healing from shit isn't always a straight line. I have a solid and secure attachment with DarkKnight, for example. It's positive AF. But trusting others does not come easy at all to me.
So that was today. This therapist was very helpful and I think it started our foundation work. I have another appointment next week.
I know it's going to come back to my attachment issues. It always does. My self-esteem is good now, my sense of self-worth is high, and I do really feel as if I am making a difference with how I live and how I am connected with my community. I am helpful, kind, worthwhile and yeah, amazeballs. But fighting those old patterns is just so goddamn hard, y'all.
