Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Squee! I was able to pick up the 3 new shelving units from Home Depot tonight - my overflow room is going to be incredible! I cleared off my diaper storage shelves and vacuumed where they used to be, and got the old unit outside. PunKRock put together the new station and it looks AMAZING. It’s like 2 feet taller than the old set - instead of 3 fixed wide-apart shelves, I have 6 adjustable shelves that are now set up PERFECTLY. They need to be leveled off, but DarkKnight made homemade mac and cheese, so we abandoned the work for yumminess. Also, my daughter came over. Lol

I hope to get the other two sets put together tomorrow.

Oh! I didn’t post here about what happened - I had a dude from DC message me and tell me he wanted to sponsor the $200 I needed for the shelves in full! I was so amazed, but asked him if he wouldn’t mind me just purchasing the one diaper station and then having me use the remaining $100 on special request items that people needed - a microwave, underwear for an elderly woman, sippy cups - you know, odds and ends. He said sure and so was super happy. Then not 5 minutes later, I got an alert on my phone that my amazon order was delivered, so I went to get it on my porch. And wouldn’t you know, there was a second box there, addressed to me from a stranger in Alabama. She sent my cats a huge bag of toys, and a check for $100 to pay for half of the shelving!

I cried so hard. It was a real shock! I am still overwhelmed by it. Then today, someone in town brought me 180 jars of brand new spaghetti sauce - I need to get these shelves assembled! It’s really an incredible thing - How funding just falls into place. I am exhausted but oh my goodness, it seems like people all over the US are rooting for my Blessing Box.

PunKRock bought a bunch of the Godzilla DVDs recently and we have been watching some together. We’re still working through the AFI’s updated top 100 movies list but there’s a shocking lack of giant monsters. Sometimes it is nice to take a break and see something we both like a lot!
 
I got my period this morning and ugh, I’m terribly crampy. I just had a knock on my door and a Blessing Box visitor gave me a Chick-fil-A breakfast! I was in shock but she said she wanted to say thank you for everything I do to help the community! It helped my crankiness disappear a great deal, though I still feel bloated. It’s amazing what people do for me - and this was 100% unprompted by anything, that’s for sure!

Yesterday I got PunkRock’s taxes done, and paid all of my bills for the week. DarkKnight and I went and saw a local performance of Wait Until Dark, put on by a theater group we hadn’t experienced yet. We had dinner at the Greene Turtle beforehand since I had a $10 coupon. :) It was great fun and he was looking super sexy. I really enjoyed going out with him, and it was nice to have HIM be recognized for once - the people sitting behind us were in his choral group! We were both amused, because when I was out yesterday afternoon, 3 people said hi to me in different stores. I only knew one of them. Lol I am internet famous in town, for sure!

This afternoon PunkRock is at work and DarkKnight will be leaving to head over to hang out with my son. I am going to be stocking the diaper station - OMG I am so excited to get it set up!
 
Happy Valentine’s Day!

PunkRock and I celebrated yesterday because he had the entire day off. We spent it in DC - we saw the Pulse exhibit at the Hirshhorn Art Museum, lunch at PotBelly and then took in some Asian Art at the Sackler Gallery. We were trying to fit in time to see the Freer, but it closed two minutes after we arrived! We went to Bethesda and had some Cheesecake Factory for dinner, taking the dessert home to eat in bed together. It was a good day!

Tonight my polycule shared steaks on the grill, with baked potatoes and fresh green beans. I bought cupcakes for a treat, and gave my guys little boxes of chocolate.

Tomorrow DarkKnight and I are going to see Grease at the dinner theater. I love seeing shows with him - it’s kinda our thing.

I am hoping to be able to color my hair tomorrow - omg I hate it so much! My gray is seriously white now and it won’t keep color in it at all. I honestly have been thinking about shaving everything off and then letting it grow in all white and see how it goes. Maybe I will talk to my stylist the next time I got to get it cut - I need to have that happen now as well! Hmmmm.
 
I tired of the maintenance of coloring my hair. It got to the point the grey would not hold color.

I cut my hair into an short angled bob with an undercut 15 months ago and helped fade my dye out using Prell shampoo. Found out quickly I am was not as grey as I thought. The silver does come more across as highlights. And I have a kick ass silver strak in the front.

Now I still rock a chin length angled bob with the high undercut. I have thick thick hair so the undercut helps with volume and makes it only 20 minutes to dry my hair.

Murf was shocked to find out my hair was a dark dirty blonde that is now ash blond
 
I tired of the maintenance of coloring my hair. It got to the point the grey would not hold color.

I cut my hair into an short angled bob with an undercut 15 months ago and helped fade my dye out using Prell shampoo. Found out quickly I am was not as grey as I thought. The silver does come more across as highlights. And I have a kick ass silver strak in the front.

Now I still rock a chin length angled bob with the high undercut. I have thick thick hair so the undercut helps with volume and makes it only 20 minutes to dry my hair.

Murf was shocked to find out my hair was a dark dirty blonde that is now dark ash blond. He had only known me with dark red hair.

There were some rough points but now wonder why I ever started coloring my hair.
 
I have been all over gray since I was 18. In the last few years it’s been turning white. I didn’t end up coloring it today, because I have a message in to my hair stylist about cropping it super short. I think I have like 2” roots right now? I think I am going to have her hack it down crazy short to get rid of most of the red. I probably will hate it, but my hair grows super fast and I can always color it back. It’s just hair, and it’s not like I am out dating anyone new. PunkRock has been urging me to go super short since I met him, so this will make him happy for a little bit!

I am leaving shortly to go get the oil changed on my car. I feel gross with my hair grown out like this but I guess I will have to get over it and wait to hear back from the chick that does my hair. Bleh.
 
I did chop off all my hair but I stuck with red.

Shit has hit the fan here.

PunkRock hurt himself somehow - tore a major muscle in his back. I took him to Urgent Care on Monday, and they gave him a shot and offered him a couple of days off of work. He said to give him a letter for one day off. Tuesday came and I ended taking him back, and he is now on medical leave until Saturday. He’s on muscle relaxers, jumbo dosages of ibuprophen and ice packs. He has made some gains since then but I dunno how it will look on Saturday.

DarkKnight got called into a meeting today and his work offered him the option to either resign or be put on a 60 day personal improvement plan. It’s complete and total bullshit. He’s had nothing but absolutely stellar reviews and the last two years he’s been promoted. His boss left last year and we think they don’t want to pay him the big bucks anymore. Plus, he is now the only member on their team working from home, and the new guy is a total micro-manager. He told DarkKnight that he has had “many discussions” with him about where he is falling short of goals but there has only been one that DarkKnight can come up with, and the reason it didn’t get done is because his boss didn’t schedule it. So yeah, we believe they are doing the PIP so they can say they tried. Whatever. He didn’t suddenly go from 100% awesomesauce to complete shit. If he resigns, they’re giving him a severance package. If he fails the PIP then he won’t be eligible for it. However, he would be able to get unemployment. He is off of work now until Monday, at which point he needs to tell them what he is doing.

He’s pretty devastated. Human Resources sent him an email about the PIP but no written info on the severance, so he is waiting on that. I made him request it because he couldn’t remember anything they said over the phone to him. He’s been with this company for 6 years and he loved his job so much. He thinks they were offering 6 months medical and 6 weeks pay? He is confused so I hope they send it tomorrow. He has always hit the ground running when looking for a new job but I am nervous because he’s used to working from home and suddenly having to commute will suck. That is, of course, if he can find something in his pay bracket. We will have to share a car for a while - we were talking about trading it in and downsizing to a cheaper vehicle but now we can’t do that until he gets another job. Fuck.

PunkRock hasn’t been doing the greatest at his job either, even before he got hurt. (He didn’t get hurt at work.) He started this new warehouse job and he has been having issues with hitting the numbers they want to see. He likes it okay but it’s really hard on his body. Now that he has an injury - I could be looking at having two unemployed husbands at the same time!

We had a quick meeting tonight to discuss things and ultimately there’s not much I personally can do. Even me running out and getting a part time job is stupid, because DarkKnight and I are sharing a car and that means my schedule would interfere with him trying to find something amazing for him. I am going to have to sit tight. Actually that’s not true - I am going to work even harder at remodeling and organizing and getting our house up to snuff. If DarkKnight can’t find anything in the area we may have to uproot and sell our house. It’s in no shape at all for that right now, and even if it were perfect, we will still be fucked because it hasn’t appreciated THAT much in two years!

Dating is definitely on hold. Too much uncertainty right now, for sure!
 
I'm so sorry, Bluebird :( Sending pp&t that Punkrock heals quickly and Dark Knight finds an awesome new job. ((Hugs))
 
Wow! Hang tough Bluebird! I'm crossing my fingers that they both find better jobs. Dark Knight wouldn't have loved his job for too much longer with management being jerks. Hugs for All! (oh! except Punkrockawsomesauce as I bet hugs hurt)

Leetah
 
DarkKnight got more info on what his company is offering.

Basically, HR sent him a brief email saying if he resigns like they want, he *may* be eligible for 6 weeks of continued pay, eligibility for unemployment, 6 months of Cobra subsidy where he will just be paying his current contribution for medical insurance, and 6 months of outplacement service (we have no idea what this is).

Right now I think he is going to take this.

We had a funeral to attend yesterday (his mom’s brother passed) and afterward we went and got him a cell phone on my plan. His work has been paying for his current phone and he will have to mail that back to them when he leaves on Monday. So we started out his pre-unemployment by spending money. Sigh. I had just actually gotten our cell phone bill JUST below $200 a month and now I am going to be back up. They were running a buy 1 get 1 free special for iPhones - which he was getting anyway, so our youngest came over and we got her a new one as well. Basically we pay the $33 or whatever on the phone for 3 months, and then they credit us those payments and from then on they pay the monthly cost on it. They both just got XRs but they are happy. Hopefully my daughter will actually be able to pay her portion. She hasn’t so far previously because she is broke. I’ve been lending her money to even live. It’s okay though - it is what it is. My oldest daughter borrowed a little over $100 last week and failed to pay it back and has dropped off the face of the earth again. I am going to try and get ahold of her today about paying it back.

PunkRock went to work this morning. He was moving and feeing much better but I am afraid he may overextend himself. I guess we will see. We haven’t really talked about where he will apply if things aren’t working out at this warehouse. He does like it for the most part but it is really physically taxing on his body.
 
I hope things start to improve, Bluebird. I read through your whole blog. You guys do so much for others, I hope that you get some good karma.
 
Thanks. I am not freaking out yet. I finished paying all of my bills for the month today and we have some cash left. Most of it is PunkRock's tax refund - we had planned to spend that on building new tables in his art studio but that is completely on hold now.

It's a little scary, but mostly I am stressed about my oldest daughter again. She isn't answering my texts and that is not a good sign. DarkKnight is working on his resume and I am helping him with that. I have a lot to do today but bill paying might be it for me, as I can feel myself shutting down when it comes to processing my emotions and dealing with life.

The thing about DarkKnight losing his job that is upsetting me the most is that he has two outstanding loans on his 401(k) that we will either have to pay off immediately or our taxes will be trashed next year. One has an end date of October, so that one is almost completely paid off and not a stress. However, the other is the loan we took out to pay our down payment on our house. We can't pay that all at once - it's a huge amount. We are going to be fucked hard next year on that because it's going to turn into a huge tax payment.

I did fill the Blessing Box this morning, and I took a shower. DarkKnight is making lunch for the both of us right now. I want to sort out my bedroom closet today, but I honestly don't feel really motivated to touch it at the moment. It would give me something else to focus on, but I don't wanna.

DarkKnight and I watched the Netflix Watership Down series together last night and this morning and I enjoyed it. It's one of my favorite books and I think the story was told well, though the animation was lame AF. I don't like how they left the boat out of the escape - like, what? And they made Kehaar a jerkface with him not showing up. The entire love storyline with Clover and Hazel irritated me, and the fact that she suddenly was in Efrafa with Woundwort wanting to hook up with her - like, wtf? So unnecessary. It motivates me to want to reread the book though. Maybe I will do that today.
 
Thanks. I am not freaking out yet. I finished paying all of my bills for the month today and we have some cash left. Most of it is PunkRock's tax refund - we had planned to spend that on building new tables in his art studio but that is completely on hold now.

It's a little scary, but mostly I am stressed about my oldest daughter again. She isn't answering my texts and that is not a good sign. DarkKnight is working on his resume and I am helping him with that. I have a lot to do today but bill paying might be it for me, as I can feel myself shutting down when it comes to processing my emotions and dealing with life.

The thing about DarkKnight losing his job that is upsetting me the most is that he has two outstanding loans on his 401(k) that we will either have to pay off immediately or our taxes will be trashed next year. One has an end date of October, so that one is almost completely paid off and not a stress. However, the other is the loan we took out to pay our down payment on our house. We can't pay that all at once - it's a huge amount. We are going to be fucked hard next year on that because it's going to turn into a huge tax payment.

I did fill the Blessing Box this morning, and I took a shower. DarkKnight is making lunch for the both of us right now. I want to sort out my bedroom closet today, but I honestly don't feel really motivated to touch it at the moment. It would give me something else to focus on, but I don't wanna.

DarkKnight and I watched the Netflix Watership Down series together last night and this morning and I enjoyed it. It's one of my favorite books and I think the story was told well, though the animation was lame AF. I don't like how they left the boat out of the escape - like, what? And they made Kehaar a jerkface with him not showing up. The entire love storyline with Clover and Hazel irritated me, and the fact that she suddenly was in Efrafa with Woundwort wanting to hook up with her - like, wtf? So unnecessary. It motivates me to want to reread the book though. Maybe I will do that today.
 
DarkKnight signed his separation agreement today, so he is officially resigned from his place of employment. I feel sick to my stomach but it’s just an additional stressor at this point. I guess we will just hope for the best. It will work out one way or another. I took him this afternoon to mail back like $5000 worth of computer and phone equipment from his job. They kept his corporate credit card active until tonight so he could do this. It was like $150 in postage but so am super glad they covered it and now we don’t have to worry about it.
 
Did the final paperwork at least say he would get the 6 weeks of severance and not "up to" that amount? Cause that seems shady AF.

Also, 1 week per year of employment is pretty standard.
 
He didn’t do the PIP because it was bogus. Nothing on there was stuff he was having issues with. He brought that up last week, along with the fact his boss was saying they had many meetings about his performance. There were none. It was clearly a way to get rid of him - he is the highest paid in his division and the only one working from home. His new boss wanted him gone so his own numbers looked better - he will have saved money when they hire someone cheaper, and he will be able to hire someone locally into that DarkKnight shaped hole.

The final paperwork was very clear. He gets exactly 6 weeks of pay and his vacation days paid out as well. The agreement was a crap ton of paperwork, for sure but it was very easy to read. DarkKnight said he felt like HR was very helpful. It’s over now! He had a bunch of calls to make today about the 401(k) plan and the insurance and stuff.

We have a friend that works for a government agency and they’re hiring wireless networking techs so he’s going to get the info so DarkKnight can apply. It sounds exactly what his skills line up with and they pay a little more. The thing is, the position would be like 75% travel, all over the world. To say that DarkKnight is excited would be downplaying it. Lol I hope it works out. That said, I am going to have a difficult time with him gone so much if he were to get a job like that! I had a therapy appointment to do and we actually laid out a “treatment plan” with like goals and stuff. Which is funny because we were discussing attachment stuff and suddenly having DarkKnight gone 3 weeks or more at a time will definitely be a challenge for me. I don’t know how that will go, to be honest.

I had lunch with PunkRock today, and we talked about how that would put more pressure on our relationship, as suddenly he’d be my sole emotional support for this. He seemed not so bothered by that so yay? It would definitely change up the dynamic in the household, a lot. Actually, any sort of different job for DarkKnight is going to switch things up so we gotta roll with it I guess.
 
As someone who is the spouse of a government employee I have one word of caution.

Make sure that you have a huge safety net in place financially. Government shut downs suck bad. And there is nothing worse than not getting paid for weeks while two sides have a stand off. Especially if you are mandatory report personal. So you get all the expenses of working without money coming in and when you do get back pay you get jacked into a higher tax bracket.
 
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We live close to DC so we are aware of the impact of government shutdowns! Right now there seems to be a small firm in our town who is interested in DarkKnight, and he’s excited about the opportunity. He’s now been unemployed officially for 1 week.

I am joining a gym - I have a friend who owns his own place and he is looking for some social media advertising. He offered me one free year of gym membership, individually-tailored fitness programs and a nutrition plan as well if I could commit to working out in their 40+ weight training class 3x a week and posting about it to drum up interest. I need to get one person a month in to pay for a trial, which is $21 for 21 days. If I can’t get anyone to come in, then after a couple of months we could part ways, no strings. I think this would be good for me - my depression has not let up lately and I am naturally effusive and upbeat about posting what I am doing. So, checking in and writing about my experiences at the gym doesn’t seem difficult. I need something to focus on that is positive.

This morning I had some good sex with PunkRock - he had yesterday and today off so things were fun. We pretty much did a marathon of The Haunting of Hill House yesterday, and it was amazing! I don’t like horror movies but this had very minimal gore, not a lot of startles. It was just dread, building and building. The story was REALLY good. I am trying to convince DarkKnight to give it a try!

My upstairs bathroom is slowly coming together. PunkRock has the trim all painted now, and the walls. He snakes out the tub drain, so that was great, and there is now new hardware on the window so it opens and shuts and locks up. :) I can’t seem to find the blind we bought for it two years ago, so I need to do some searching today! I bought artwork and I am waiting for that to appear in the mail this week. PunkRock says he is going to touchup the ceiling on Friday, and then the goal later this month is to finally install the new vanity and water faucet. It’s like a waterfall in a trough - I love the look at it! It’s also been sitting in a closet for two years. Lol I am probably going to get a new shower curtain but I haven’t had time to search for any.

Right now I am going to go fold some laundry and fill the Blessing Box, and then I think DarkKnight is going to go to lunch with me. I have someone donating 5 $25 gift cards to Columbia, so I have to go pick those up and get a raffle started. I hope to do a Taco Tuesday giveaway next week, so I need to raise some cash to pay for the ground beef. I also need to go to the bank and transfer money around. My son owes me like $600 and so need to get that into my account - I took him shopping last week and we pretty much bought him a whole new wardrobe, head to toe. He got his taxes back to pay for it but I spent my own cash and now he needs to pay me back!

My oldest daughter still has not called or texted me since Valentine’s Day. I did speak to my ex husband and he hadn’t heard from her either. She had borrowed $110 from me for car insurance and then failed to pay me back. I am pretty sure that is why she is avoiding me, but it still hurts an awful lot and I worry about it. After I talked to my ex, he got her to call him and she has moved again and she actually asked him to borrow $300 for rent but he didn’t give it to her. He did say she told him that she owed me money, so that’s good I guess. I am just so stressed about her situation. It hurts really bad to be treated this way. If this was not my daughter I would seriously have already cut this person out of my life, you know? But I can’t when it’s my little girl and it fucking hurts so much. Honestly, most of my depression right now is centered on her. I did text her and tell her she is still welcome to move in to our house, as PunkRock’s work is hiring at almost double what she makes now and with pretty much unlimited overtime, if she wants to start saving money like crazy. No response. I don’t know what else to do other than to keep moving forward and hoping for the best.
 
Yesterday was rough for me because I was home alone most of the day. It was kind of dispiriting and I couldn’t get out of a negative headspace. Today is much better, but I’ve got mad cramps right now. Apparently my period is due this weekend. Ugh!

I am still feeling upbeat and motivated about working out and going to the gym and starting my weight loss plan. I sent my trainer my medical history and it was actually really shitty to see all of my issues laid out. Imma copy/paste here:

I have a lot of barriers to exercising for weight loss - more so than a lot of people, I think. That said, I’m 41 years old, so I don’t believe many my age have zero issues to overcome when setting up workout routines. Here are my unique challenges:

Pilonital cyst: This jerkface showed up when I was 18, and proceeded to make my life hell on and off for a couple of years. It’s basically a cleft above my tailbone that collects sweat and gets infected. When it gets pissed off, it’s impossible to function or move. The surgery to fix it usually fails and it requires months of bed rest, so I haven’t done the surgery. Instead I shave my butt and hope for the best. I haven’t had any major issues in two decades but once in a while it gets sore and then I get paranoid. The presence of this sucker means no sit ups, and if biking, I need to use a recumbent style. Not the end of the world, but it requires some modifications, but those are easily done.

Spinal nonsense: 8 or so years ago, I woke up one morning unable to get out of bed. The lower discs in my spine decided to shift and cause me all sorts of pain. I had two that herniated. I spent three months of hell while I waited to see if things would be ok on their own. I got bursitis in both my legs (yay shots) and had to do physical therapy twice a week and hydrotherapy twice a week. (My copays made me cry, at $35 a pop.) They did slip back into place, but it was a mess. All of my lower back muscles are crap now, and planking is almost impossible. My doctor says that this should be able to be worked through; my muscles just need some encouragement.

Osteo-Arthritis: I have almost no cartilage in my right shoulder socket and hip. My left side isn’t the greatest either. I have always had pain in these areas, ever since I was a teenager. I discovered why when doctors were imaging my back for my spinal issue. It’s not bad enough that I need surgery, but it hurts and is stiff and sometimes my back will seize up randomly. I haven’t needed shots yet but it could be coming in the future. My doctor says weight loss would help.

Hidradenitis Suppurativa: Don't google for photos this, seriously. It’s a disfiguring skin disease and it sucks. A lot. Thankfully, I suffer (so far) from the lowest stage of this disorder, and have only had to have surgery twice in my armpits to deal with issues. It hasn’t progressed, thank goodness! Basically it causes lumps to appear in lots of places where you don’t want lumps to appear - in the armpits, groin and under the boobs. These get inflamed, are super painful and look horrific. Exercising can cause a crap ton of discomfort, and sweating can trigger outbreaks. When starting an exercise program that could cause a lot of friction or sweat, my doctor recommends I go on antibiotics to reduce potential inflammation. This would be great, if I hadn’t done this in the past and built up a resistance to most of the common low-level antibiotics. They don’t want me to do this anymore. Instead they say to wash with iodine, limit sweating and hope for the best. I don’t have an outbreak going on now - everything looks normal.

Autoimmune disorder: To round out my weird issues, I also get to experience immune system attacks to my sweat glands themselves. To be clear, this has nothing to do with visible sweat on the outside of my skin, but what is going on inside of my body. The actual act of sweating triggers my immune system to go, “hmmm those glands don’t belong here. Let’s attack them and push them out!” This is bad because sweat glands are found in the middle and bottom layers of skin, so they bump up against the top when trying to push out. This causes painful lumps as the area surrounding the sweat gland starts to swell, and then my skin twists as pressure is applied from the inside. This causes long black scars in spiral shapes to appear. This can happen *anywhere* I have sweat glands, which is literally every inch of my body. This is in addition to the lumps created by the hidradenitis. There is fuck-all to be done about this. Doctor says to limit sweating.


So I can lift weights. I can do yoga. I can do cardio too, but it comes with risks for me, so over the years I have just gradually become more and more sedentary. I was doing AquaZumba in a pool and I loved it, but then my immune system kicked in and I had to give it up.

I do usually respond well to dietary changes, which is good since that’s how I can lose weight without sweating. My nutrition is total shit right now, since I am an emotional eater. I think if you can get me on a weight lifting regimen and I do a dietary overhaul, I would probably do really well. I am super interested in the 40+ master class.

I am also hypothyroid, but hormone replacement has fixed this issue. I have acid reflux as well, which is getting worse because of my weight. I have acid reflux because I have no gallbladder, so it won’t go away with weight loss but it should be able to improve.

I’m a mess, but my doctor says I am clear for whatever I want to do. Even cardio, but I would rather avoid that if we can, so not to annoy my immune system.
 
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