Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

I am so, so sorry Bluebird :( Punkrock can kick this. I hope he can find a good therapist that he clicks with. My therapist has even had some success using EMDR on alcoholics. Maybe he could look into that?

That really sucks about your therapist. I hope they find one you like even better and soon! It really does make a difference. It took me a couple therapists to find the right one.

((Hugs)) BB. You have a lot on your plate.
 
I'm so sorry, Bluebird. I remember the despair I felt when my therapist told me she was raising her rates and I knew that meant it was my last session; I wasn't sure how I'd stay topside on this planet. It's unconscionable what your therapist has done and I'm terribly sorry. I hope you find another that far eclipses the one that left. {{{hugs}}}
 
Thank you! I’m kind of stuck in the situation - there’s nothing I can do about my therapist quitting his practice. No matter what, I’m going to have to start over. So, I had some suggestions from friends - poly and monogamous - and I have an appointment with a woman next Monday. We will see how we connect!

I have a hair appointment on Thursday scheduled as well - cut, color, and my eyebrows need love! It’s time for some self care. <3

My oldest daughter I am going to call BugGirl, and her boyfriend will just be AntMan, to keep it on a theme. Lol Anyway, I took them to the social security office yesterday, and my daughter got her missing card ordered. AntMan was missing a piece of paperwork, so I am taking him back today. We also got my daughter’s birth certificate ordered - well, I printed out the paperwork anyway! Lol It will be mailed today once I get an envelope and a stamp. BugGirl tried to set up an appointment with the Free Clinic, but we are going to worry about that next week - they want proof of residency and taxes for last year. She didn’t file in 2018 so we are going to get her W2s and fix that. Next week though.

Today I am taking AntMan back to the social security office. I am taking BugGirl to the bank and get her a checking account started. She can’t get her Real ID license without a birth certificate, social security card, bank statement and another piece of mail - so right now she is completely on hold for a bit on that. The other piece of mail that works is an envelope from a US college or university, so we messaged the Univ of Maryland and requested admissions info be mailed. Check. :) Also, she is interested. :)

I had a bunch of paperwork to go over at the social security office yesterday for my son as well - and not everything got resolved. So I will have more follow up to do with that next week. I talked to his social worker and he’s supposed to be calling me next week now.

Blessing Box, we reopen from the holiday break on Thursday. I have a fundraiser starting, and I have a request out for new shelving - 2 sets. One set was purchased by a donor this morning. Yay! I am anxious to reopen, honestly! I want to get back started helping people out. We’ve had some doorbell rings and visits from some people who needed things, in spite of being closed. I went through my coupons yesterday and this afternoon I am going shopping to use the ones that are expiring today.

I am a little anxious about Hub City Humans, as I haven’t had time to get caught up again and I actually have zero new life stories ready to go. I have interviews complete, but nothing transcribed. This really sucks because I feel like this is an important project. Something has to give though, and that’s where I am failing.
 
I’m in a good mood this morning, in spite of having a bad dream last night. My Invisalign braces have been hurting something terrible this week, but I am hanging in there.

Someone bought two new pairs of shelving for the Blessing Box and one set arrived yesterday. AntMan put them together for me, and I appreciated that a lot! PunkRock screwed them into the wall and put shims - oh they look great! I am super excited right now to have the next set arrive! In a minute I have to go get dressed and stick the Blessing Box to start the day.

I have a dinner date tonight with a group of ladies so I am looking forward to that. One of my besties messaged me the other day and we have dinner planned for next Saturday night as well.

I finally went and got a haircut and color and got my eyebrows under control. I’ve had a lot of compliments, and I am quite happy with what was done!
 
Today was busy. I had my first appointment with my new therapist and I liked her a lot. So far, so good.
 
Today is my youngest daughter’s 22nd birthday. I am so very lucky to be her mom - she’s gorgeous, inside and out. We had a family party at home for her last night - she asked for KFC, a green cake and we played Cards Against Humanity. Afterward, we all walked down to the corner ice cream store (even though it was like 20 degrees out!). Her boyfriend came, and then it was me, DarkKnight and PunkRock, with my older daughter BugGirl and her boyfriend AntMan.

Wow - it’s been so long since I updated! We actually had a family birthday for my oldest daughter a few weeks ago, when she turned 29. We had pizza & cake and sang karaoke in our living room. Same people, plus my son. He couldn’t make it last night because he was working.

I have to say, I feel so complete with my family around me. Maybe this is a sign that I am getting old, but when everyone is together, laughing and loving - my heart just melts and I find myself tearing up. We built this family through adoption, and it IS a family. My kids hold so much of me in their hearts, and they have no idea - they can never feel even a small portion of how much I love them. I do believe they know that I am their biggest fan, and that I will never stop showing up for them, when they need it.

Oh I am teary now.

Life has been busy, as always. Despite the celebrations, we’ve had a lot going on. I had a couple of meat giveaways for the Blessing Box, and a ton of items have flowed through my home and into the community. AntMan and BugGirl have helped out every single day with no complaint, and have both made strides with moving forward. Both have received their social security cards, and we mailed out for BugGirl’s birth certificate. AntMan received his medical records, and we are hoping to get enough paperwork in this week so they can both get Photo IDs/driver’s licenses. BugGirl has had a few cleaning jobs to bring in some cash, and she was hired at the same place PunkRock works - she starts that next week.

A bunch of my time has been spent with my son, and his medical insurance. He has multiple bills that have been denied by Medicare, so I had to file an appeal. I’ve been working with his social worker to get everything straightened out and have more to do this week.

PunkRock won tickets on Facebook to see Camper Van Beethoven and Cracker at a concert in DC this past weekend, so he and I went and had fun together! We actually had seen those same bands 5 years ago in the same venue (9:30 Club) so that was interesting. We spent the day and visited the Artechouse and the new exhibit there (ugh so basic) and went through the new stuff at the Hirshhorn (saw a Dali painting in person and played chess with PunkRock).

We are planning Valentine’s Day, and DarkKnight and I are going to go to a local tea house. I have a gift certificate for that, so we can’t go right on the holiday, but we will attend before or after - just need to work out the calendar. No plans with PunkRock yet but we will probably discuss that tonight.

We are so extremely broke right now - the added expense of having two adults in our household is a slow and steady creep each week, and our own medical bills are proving difficult to keep on top of lately. DarkKnight has an HSA this year and we only have access to funds as they are deposited, which is done every two weeks. So we get a bill and have to wait a bit until the money is there. We have been spoiled by the FSA his old job had, where we could submit bills immediately. I think we are sitting on close to $1000 in unpaid amounts right now. My dental bills go through automatically at the beginning of every month, so it’s hard to make any headway. DarkKnight had a blood pressure issue in October, so most of the bills are from two specialist visits. I’ve put off getting new glasses and the surgery on my arm is definitely not happening anytime soon - there’s no way I can carry $1500+ in copays when we are waiting to pay this stuff off already. Sigh. I am calling a bunch of places tomorrow to work out exactly when and how much to pay - we have a list but I need to make sure things are paid in order.

I am waiting for w2s to drop for both my guys. PunkRock will get a biscuit back, but all of it will go to pay what DarkKnight owes for liquidating his 401(k) when he was unemployed for 5 months. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of what that number is going to look like. I keep telling myself that it’s nothing to be afraid of because the number is going to be insane no matter how I feel. The IRS is going to have to give us a payment plan and that’s that. I’ve been thinking about picking up a part time job to pay that off, but we will have to see when the numbers are done. It will be difficult once BugGirl and AntMan are working, as they will both need rides to and from. Though BugGirl will hopefully be on the same shift as PunkRock, so that will be smooth. They’re going to start paying $250/month rent once employed, but that will barely cover the food bill increase.

I’m trying to keep our debt load low, but with the added expenses, we’ve got around $5500 on credit cards. I’ve been throwing larger amounts at those but then we add back on each week. It’s stress. I am determined to keep it at that amount though. If we can’t afford it, we can’t afford it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that nothing insane with the house happens (HVAC failure, appliances explode).
 
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Sooooo PunkRock just left to go on a DATE. I am low key freaking out but mostly keeping it together. At this moment I am nervous for him! I know the lady, as they work together at the same company, but in different parts of the warehouse. She’s donated stuff to the Blessing Box in the past and with the limited interactions we’ve had, I think she’s cool. She’s definitely got a hippie/Druid vibe going. PunkRock went to a naturalist/environmental graduation event today with her - for her - and they talked about the mutual attraction they were experiencing. When he came home he told me he was interested in dating her and he wanted to talk about it.

Honestly, I think my husband is amazing and more women should experience his amazing-ness. <3 However, now is a really really bad time for this. I expressed that to him and we had a good discussion about how to make this work. Because I do want this for him. He is starting therapy this week (appointment already scheduled, from a few weeks ago) and he will have a couple more in February, hopefully. I think right now the shakiness I feel - existing before this whole thing - was in regards to his unchecked alcoholism and how his behaviors with that make me feel. This week has been especially bad with my emotions, and my anxiety has been all over the place with him.

But this has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with HIM. The only thing that concerns me with her right now is that she smokes, and since PunkRock is trying to ween himself off nicotine gum - how is that going to work? He says he should be fine but I told him it’s a really worrisome thing in my mind, especially when combined with the drinking.He’s been trying to get off the gum for like 5 years now and clearly his sporadic drinking binges are having an effect on our relationship.

Her living situation is that she rents a room in someone’s house, so she can’t host sleepovers. That means PunkRock would have to host. On the surface I am okay with this, but a lot will depend on how our relationship is - if she doesn’t want kitchen table poly, well our house is TINY. And it’s gotten even smaller with two other adults living here (BugGirl & AntMan). I refuse to tiptoe around my house and feel uncomfortable in it. We discussed that a bit. I am hoping for positive interactions!

What else did we talk about? He made a list before he left of things he wanted to discuss with her - I don’t have any rules, really, other than to please try and keep their dates on the calendar so we don’t have crazy conflicts, and STD testing is a must. Though it sounds like she’s wanting to hookup with a Dom that she just started seeing or will be seeing? I asked him about what he thinks the testing will show then - if she gets it and then starts seeing this guy? Lol I definitely don’t want to start using condoms with PunkRock so I guess we will see what info he comes home with. I do trust him to make safe choices. I told him to be sure to share with her that I have had HSV+ partners in the past and may again in the future, but all of us are currently negative. She should be informed about that.

He said when they talked it sounds like she just wants like 2 dates a month, but texting every day. That certainly isn’t much so I asked him if this was going to be a booty call or just activity dating or a romantic relationship or all 3? He wasn’t really sure so I think he needs to get that clarified.

He said he wants to start reading More Than Two with me again, because he wants to be a good hinge so I am glad of that. He said he recommended it to her as well, so maybe all 3 of us will read it together but separately. Then he could discuss things with me, and he could discuss things with her as well. That could only be a good thing, I think.
 
The date went well last night and PunkRock & I talked about it after he got home. I kinda feel shitty because he had no money and he took her to McDonalds! I guess she must like him, because I feel that is a crummy first date. Oh well. I’m kinda miffed at him for being broke because our cash situation is so very tight right now and he promised me extra in the budget this week, and then it turned out that he didn’t have an extra $150 for our bills because he spent it, and then he only had $23 to take this poor lady out.

I told him I wasn’t going to be okay with empty promises like that. I need him to follow up. Our grocery budget has doubled. It’s obscene. We are eating low carb but Ant Man and BugGirl aren’t. We spent $500 on food & toiletries this week. Ugh. He and I might go to the ice festival in Chambersburg this coming weekend or whenever it is, but I guess that’s going to depend on how much cash I can find. We might not be able to afford it! I’m supposed to go out with some lady friends for dinner Monday, and Wednesday is our regular game night and we always pay for take out - subs this week. Well, sub in a tub for us low carbers. That won’t be cheap.

Anyway, I focused on taking pics for the Blessing Box and posting bedding to give away last night while PunkRock was on his date and my mental state was absolutely fine. I read chapter one of More Than Two, and he said he was going to try and get it done as well after he was home but I don’t know if he got to it. He was really loving and caring toward me last night, and snuggly. I appreciated it.

Last night was actually a sleepover with DarkKnight and he was snuggly too. He read to me the start of another Lovecraft story but I was emotionally done in and fell asleep quickly.

Yesterday I was kinda all over the place emotionally because someone donated $400 worth of vcf tile to us to redo the flooring in our Blessing Box overflow/game room. DarkKnight and I went to Kmart and they’re closing so everything was marked down. The manager recognized me and told me “Miss BlueBird, you name your price.” We literally had no budget for this yet - I knew we wanted to do it this spring but I hadn’t solicited for donations. The account is pretty empty for the Box, so I said $30, and they threw in two tubs of tile adhesive too. I was literally crying in the store. Our community has really stood behind what we are doing and so should be used to this by now, but I’m not. This happening plus PunkRock’s surprise dating just made me kinda all over the place, up and down.
 
I have been really stressed out all day. I ended up having to call the cops - again - on our horrid neighbor. Her idea of fun is swearing at my visitors, and then turning on and leaving on her car alarm. The cops came and told her to knock it off. I don’t need this right now!

I had a long texting back and forth with one of my besties. She was actually really upset to hear that PunkRock is dating, because she says that one of the tenets of AA is that you don’t start a new relationship while battling to stay in recovery. I didn’t know this but I guess it makes sense. So she got me a little upset, because why wouldn’t PunkRock know this? He certainly has been through the process more than once. When she was telling me this, I seriously felt like I was falling into this big yawning pit and I was overcome with dizziness. It only lasted a short bit though. At the end of my talk with her I actually felt upbeat and positive about him dating but for a biscuit I was really not okay.

She also said she thinks he is selfish for not focusing on our family when so much is going on. I had to disagree with that because if anything, he was very vocal about making sure that everything going on was being handled. Though, I guess, yeah, I am the one handling most of it. But it’s not like he is shitting on us. He loves our family very much. I don’t doubt at all that he cares about all of my kids. And he definitely stepped up when DarkKnight was unemployed.

I think him getting out of the house with someone new will probably give him a break from the stress of the household. He doesn’t have to be all down in it like me. And I really do believe that having a second pair of eyes on him and his binge drinking can only be a good thing.

Still, I am unsettled. I can’t really give a joyous yes for this right now. I am anxious about him being able to support me in this moment - I have trust issues because of his lying about the drinking. That’s on top of my attachment issues. And I am doing this without a therapist! That worries me the most. I think I will be using this journal more because I don’t have a therapist to store it up and dump it out to regularly.

At this point I am okay, but just worried.

That said, I sent a hello message this morning to...oh I guess I will have to name her...HippieChick. We are friends on Facebook, and I ran it by PunkRock first. Here’s what I sent:

“Hey there! Just wanted to say hi. I’m totally down with you dating PunkRock, as I think he’s an incredibly awesome human. ❤️ If you have any questions about our polycule and how it’s structured, just ask. I am very open about being a polygamist and polyamorous, so our family isn’t in hiding or discreet about it. We just are who we are.

I like being friends with my metamours, and we are pretty much the textbook definition of kitchen-table poly. I hope you will feel comfortable visiting our home, even in its general disarray and obscene amount of cat coverage. Not sure if you are into it, but we host a weekly board game night that you are more than welcome to drop in on, anytime.”

She wrote back saying she’d like to invite me out for coffee soon, and PunkRock messaged me later that she is going to come over on Wednesday for our game night! I am happy about that. I am hoping it will be a low pressure sort of situation - she will be able to just hang out and see how silly we all are without a lot of pressure. I talked to DarkKnight and we discussed what games to play - probably co-op will be best so she doesn’t feel like she has to focus so hard on winning. Mysterium for sure.
 
Bluebird said:
I have been really stressed out all day. I ended up having to call the cops - again - on our horrid neighbor. Her idea of fun is swearing at my visitors, and then turning on and leaving on her car alarm. The cops came and told her to knock it off. I don’t need this right now!

I had a long texting back and forth with one of my besties. She was actually really upset to hear that PunkRock is dating, because she says that one of the tenets of AA is that you don’t start a new relationship while battling to stay in recovery. I didn’t know this but I guess it makes sense. So she got me a little upset, because why wouldn’t PunkRock know this? He certainly has been through the process more than once. When she was telling me this, I seriously felt like I was falling into this big yawning pit and I was overcome with dizziness. It only lasted a short bit though. At the end of my talk with her I actually felt upbeat and positive about him dating but for a biscuit I was really not okay.

She also said she thinks he is selfish for not focusing on our family when so much is going on. I had to disagree with that because if anything, he was very vocal about making sure that everything going on was being handled. Though, I guess, yeah, I am the one handling most of it. But it’s not like he is shitting on us. He loves our family very much. I don’t doubt at all that he cares about all of my kids. And he definitely stepped up when DarkKnight was unemployed.

I think him getting out of the house with someone new will probably give him a break from the stress of the household. He doesn’t have to be all down in it like me. And I really do believe that having a second pair of eyes on him and his binge drinking can only be a good thing.

Still, I am unsettled. I can’t really give a joyous yes for this right now. I am anxious about him being able to support me in this moment - I have trust issues because of his lying about the drinking. That’s on top of my attachment issues. And I am doing this without a therapist! That worries me the most. I think I will be using this journal more because I don’t have a therapist to store it up and dump it out to regularly.

At this point I am okay, but just worried.

That said, I sent a hello message this morning to...oh I guess I will have to name her...HippieChick. We are friends on Facebook, and I ran it by PunkRock first. Here’s what I sent:

“Hey there! Just wanted to say hi. I’m totally down with you dating PunkRock, as I think he’s an incredibly awesome human. ❤️ If you have any questions about our polycule and how it’s structured, just ask. I am very open about being a polygamist and polyamorous, so our family isn’t in hiding or discreet about it. We just are who we are.

I like being friends with my metamours, and we are pretty much the textbook definition of kitchen-table poly. I hope you will feel comfortable visiting our home, even in its general disarray and obscene amount of cat coverage. Not sure if you are into it, but we host a weekly board game night that you are more than welcome to drop in on, anytime.”

She wrote back saying she’d like to invite me out for coffee soon, and PunkRock messaged me later that she is going to come over on Wednesday for our game night! I am happy about that. I am hoping it will be a low pressure sort of situation - she will be able to just hang out and see how silly we all are without a lot of pressure. I talked to DarkKnight and we discussed what games to play - probably co-op will be best so she doesn’t feel like she has to focus so hard on winning. Mysterium for sure.
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I'd back off and let them find their place themselves. I wouldn't like a metamour texting me that. Espcially the bit about "just so you know I'm okay with you". It seems like you're telling me that if at any point you aren't okay, I'll be gone. I know you probably intended to be friendly but I think it wise to watch your language so your efforts don't appear more like sabotage.

I think your friend is a little out of line. The guys essentially bankroll the house, right? And now you've added another 2 people for them to pay for. Listen, as you know, I said from ages ago to bring your daughter home so I absolutely support you in that but admittedly I didn't remember that a) you bring in little money and b) 1 or 2 other people would need financial support from your husbands. I think maybe a PT job in retail or something on your end could make things easier. This financial stress cannot be easy for a recovering alcoholic.

I agree about not starting new relationships in recovery but something fun and new might actually make him feel a bit better about himself right now. Having control of his own life and making his own decisions might improve his self esteem.

I'd say he's been really struggling for a while and hasn't spoken up and now he's trying to improve his quality of life.
 
I’d back off and let them find their place themselves. I wouldn't like a metamour texting me that. Espcially the bit about "just so you know I'm okay with you". It seems like you're telling me that if at any point you aren't okay, I'll be gone. I know you probably intended to be friendly but I think it wise to watch your language so your efforts don't appear more like sabotage.
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Hmm. I did feel like I was watching my language. I ran it by PunkRock. She responded well to it as well, so idk. Admittedly, I don’t have any experience with my primary partners dating, but I can say I have always loved hearing from my metamours in the beginning of a relationship - when they reach out to say, hey, this is cool with me and let’s be friends, or at least respectful of each other’s positions. My intention moving forward is to back off and just respond to what sort of relationship - if any - she wants with me. Whether that’s BFFs, barely acquaintances or whatever. Her concern right now should be with PunkRock and exploring that, so no worries on my end, for sure!

My line about being down with them dating was meant to mean I know what’s going on and it isn’t cheating. Not that I am passing judgment on her as a person. I don’t have a veto and don’t want it.

I think your friend is a little out of line. The guys essentially bankroll the house, right? And now you've added another 2 people for them to pay for. Listen, as you know, I said from ages ago to bring your daughter home so I absolutely support you in that but admittedly I didn't remember that a) you bring in little money and b) 1 or 2 other people would need financial support from your husbands. I think maybe a PT job in retail or something on your end could make things easier. This financial stress cannot be easy for a recovering alcoholic.
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We discussed me getting a job briefly and may do so more in the future. However, I don’t have a car. BugGirl got a job and starts tomorrow, so I will be taking DarkKnight to work now so I can then pick her up and take her to and from the job site, and will be doing the same when AntMan gains employment. Like, the logistics of this are already shit and it’s not going to get better. There aren’t a whole bunch of places that will be cool with me dictating a schedule around 4 other people. And, we all strongly believe in my Blessing Box and the community outreach that I do, that takes up so much of my time. It’s absolutely a full time job x 2.

I do agree that my friend was out of line on this. I think I posted as much - I will have to reread what I wrote. But I don’t believe PunkRock is a selfish person. He’s all-in with our family and our life goals. He wouldn’t be my husband if he wasn’t.

I agree about not starting new relationships in recovery but something fun and new might actually make him feel a bit better about himself right now. Having control of his own life and making his own decisions might improve his self esteem.

I'd say he's been really struggling for a while and hasn't spoken up and now he's trying to improve his quality of life.
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I honestly feel tons better after talking with him last night - I’m going to post about that in a bit. I don’t feel like he feels like he doesn’t have control over his own life or isn’t making his own decisions. One of the reasons I am excited for him though is that something fun and new will help boost him up. I’m happy about that. And seeing his NRE grow is making me squeeee. He’s just really cute AF in that regard!

However - you’re spot on with the idea that he’s been struggling for a while. That’s 95% of my anxiety and issues with this - the lying and such has our relationship in a not so good spot because it hasn’t been addressed. Every time I have caught him drinking, he’s been full of platitudes and not much action. He will absolutely show remorse, apologize profusely, tell me how much I mean to him and then only attend 2 or 3 AA meetings and drop it. Then things look good until the next binge. His communication SUCKS. I can’t make him share things with me, and according to his family, this is how he has always operated.

In order for us to continue to function as a couple, he needs to make this a priority. In the six years we have been together, there’s been zero progress on this and I am getting close to being over it. Addiction sucks. It’s put a HUGE wedge in our relationship. Because of all of the other issues we’ve been faced with last year, we haven’t had the time or resources to focus on that. We’ve been putting out other fires.

We discussed this last night. I do believe he sees this clearly now, and where I am at with it. The difficulty is that progress will be slow. But he has an appointment on Thursday with a therapist, and he’s promising to have a couple more next month. He said he won’t smoke cigarettes or pot with anyone, and he is going to really try and talk to me more about his emotions and not be so closed off.

Trusting him to suddenly be able to do all of this is difficult. My main fear is that this new relationship will seem fun and breezy, and ours will seem like a chore with lots of work to be done. He says he is smart enough to realize that this isn’t unique with me and that it’s been an issue his whole life, and yes, I know he sees that. But will he be able to focus on that fact with NRE la-las invading his brain? I think my anxiety with that question is not out of line.
 
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So my bestie - mentioned in the previous post - stopped by briefly this morning and I do think she gets it. She’s just worried, as I am, about PunkRock's ability to handle his therapy appointments and get down to the trash junking up his brain for all these years. He hasn’t dealt with it before, obviously. Add in NRE and it could go really, really bad. I spoke to another friend (hi Friend - she totally reads this journal!) and she’s concerned too. These are people who know us both.

Anyway...that said, PunkRock and I had our first More Than Two talk last night. He had promised in the past that he would read this book with me prior to dating, yet here we are finally doing it, *while* he is dating. I’m still happy it’s getting done - I don’t want it to seem like this is a huge issue for me. It is just a slightly annoying issue that is being handled, and I am grateful for that! So yeah, we both read chapter one separately and then now we were carving out time to discuss the questions at the end of chapter 1. It didn’t go as planned.

That sounds kind of dramatic, but it was really emotional for me. There were some interesting tidbits - we had very good discussions. When we ranked our desire for having multiple partners, he put himself at a 2 and I was at a 9. We both define commitment in the same way, and agree that neither of us are into being poly from a place of dissatisfaction. The issues arose when we were talking about the degree of closeness and intimacy we want and expect in a relationship. I was very much a sobbing mess.

Honestly, I think it needed to happen. PunkRock was able to see how much I have really pulled back from him because I don’t trust him to fix himself with this anymore. He was teary too - I could tell he was upset and saddened and wants to be that partner for me. But he’s not my rock, he never has been - he has proven to not communicate his distress, not follow up with his mental health issues after a drinking binge and just generally be okay with how things go. And it’s really MY fault for letting it slide. With everything else going on, and I couldn’t afford to lose the emotional support he does provide, so I’ve been burying the distress and not addressing it. So, I addressed it last night.

100% I am terrified that he will once again just do a couple of appointments with his therapist, and then decide he’s okay. Or he will decide that the work is too hard or too difficult, and see me as the source of that. So I will be left alone, while he goes and has fun with his new partner. I can’t look to the past and say that he will follow through, because he never has.

All that said, I am in a good place mentally, now, I think. What will be, will be. I am hoping his new partner can see that’s he’s fucking amazing (because he is) and encourage him in his mental health healing. I am a positive person and I give people the benefit of the doubt. I choose to believe at this time that HippieChick is going to be great for PunkRock and she will help him to become even more amazing. I have zero control over PunkRock actually working on anything of substance in his therapy sessions, so I have to let it go. Even if there hasn’t been progress in the past, even though I know it’s going to suck ass for him, I have no other choice but to hope. So I will. I love my husband so fucking much. I am here now and I will continue to be here and hoping for the best for him.

Despite this very huge issue over his addiction, other parts of our relationship are good. There’s no fighting over finances, no troubles with scheduling or planning our lives. We do fun activities together and apart, both as individuals, together the two of us, and with DarkKnight as the rest of our polycule. Like, here’s our schedule this week:

Tonight: DarkKnight & PunkRock at home together for dinner; I’m having a meal with some lady friends at a nearby restaurant

Tuesday: DarkKnight has his choral practice, Netflix date night (probably) for PunkRock and I

Wednesday: Game night with DarkKnight, PunkRock, me, a friend and HippieChick now joining us

Thursday: open, no plans

Friday: DarkKnight & I going to see a theater production of Bonnie & Clyde (free tickets!) and PunkRock & HippieChick tentatively scheduled for a date

Saturday: DarkKnight has play practice, so PunkRock & I are going to Ice Fest in Chambersburg to check out ice sculpture art
 
I had an amazing morning yesterday - I rocked it out, was feeling positive - did laundry, paid bills, got paperwork done and the Box was looking good. Then the bottom fell out and I had a terrible afternoon and evening.

I was scrolling Facebook and discovered that a friend died last Saturday. I had just spoken to her the week before, and even though she was in the hospital, it came as a complete shock to me. I shut the Box down for the rest of the day, sent AntMan a message about answering any doorbell rings of people not respecting the closed sign, and then went down to the basement for 3 hours and just cried my eyes out. This wasn’t a super close friend, or someone that I hung out with a lot, but we knew each other very well - I interviewed her for my Hub City Humans page maybe 2 months ago, and she and her husband were donors to the Blessing Box. We chatted. She was such a wonderful person. She was just 42.

When DarkKnight came home from work he gave me some good hugs and I got dressed, cleaned up and went to the previously-scheduled dinner with 3 of my other friends. I’m glad I went, but it was rough putting on a feel good face. One concrete goodness that came from it was that one of my friends has a lead on an apartment for my son. Did I mention that? My youngest is moving out when their lease ends in May (they live together right now) to live with her boyfriend. So I am stuck helping my son find a new place. Since he’s on permanent disability for his mental health, I’m in charge of his finances and so it will fall on me to get him relocated - he can’t afford to continue to rent where he is. So yeah, it’s a stress that is building! Anyway, my friend told me about an opening for a HUD home in the area, 2 bedroom. Possibly he could rent it and both BugGirl and AntMan could move in as well as a sublet. It sounds really good! When I talked to my daughter about it last night she was jazzed, but AntMan made a comment about wondering how long the lease would be, which was kinda odd.

I really don’t think either of these two have been completely upfront about their future plans. I think I have mentioned this before here. I believe AntMan sees this as a temporary stay, and he is going back to NY. But yet, my daughter presents this to everyone as a permanent move. I honestly don’t care where they live, as long as they stay clean! I actually took DarkKnight to work today and just dropped off BugGirl at her first day of work. She got a job with PunkRock. She’s been very vocal about saving up to buy a car and her goal for that is May. I guess we will see. So far they both have been doing awesome.

Anyway, I am glad I went to the dinner, but I came home after and spent a brief amount of time with PunkRock. He was very glow-y and happy and just not really a good support for me as I could tell his mind was in NRE land. I cried a bit about my friend’s death, he hugged me a couple of times, and then we talked more about HippieChick and her visit here Wednesday. She’s coming to our game night.

Both of them have a half day of overtime tomorrow, and I guess the plan is afterward she is going to the gym and to shower. PunkRock says they are going to hang out afterward, maybe walk around the mall or go sit and chat at a local park. They haven’t had much of a chance to really get to know each other yet. They will come back to house after a couple of hours for dinner and game night. He did mention possibly hanging out here instead of going to the mall or where ever, and I said that was fine but I doubted they’d get much privacy! Our house is small, and I will be running the Box, and AntMan will be here - probably helping me and then playing Skyrim in the living room. He might be in his room with headphones on watching a movie, so then that would work. They could also hang out in the basement, I guess, but there’s not like a convenient place to sit. Not sure if she wants to sit on his bed. Lol PunkRock agreed that might be a little forward. I don’t know - I guess they will figure it out. I don’t mind where they go, honestly. I will be busy with the Blessing Box and getting the room clear and clean for game night.

After saying goodnight to PunkRock - he did try to initiate sex, but I turned him down because I really felt his mind was on HippieChick and I was in a depressed headspace because of my friend’s passing - I went upstairs and cried some more with DarkKnight. I talked to him like I would my therapist for a brief bit and he just became a sounding board of sorts. He let me vent out and explain and just held me.

It’s really rough, honestly. I just went through the absolute worst year of my life. I was in a deep depression most of the year, I put on so much weight because of my daughter’s addiction and my inability to help her or myself. I feel that I am finally starting to see headway on it, as I have much better days this month collectively than I did all year combined! However, now when I just get a little bit sad, it’s like I am standing on a precipice and it only takes a tiny nudge to go right over into the abyss. I get emotional and it is scary. I’ve never been like this before. Like the smallest of things can have me wanting to crawl into bed and just give up on the day. I can recognize it happening, and try to fight it, but depending on how everything is, I sometimes just can’t. Finding out that my friend died was just too much yesterday, and I just had to cry and cry.

This is why poly is good for me though. I saw that PunkRock was not going to be able to be a support last night because of his NRE head,, but DarkKnight was. Oh! He has always been my rock - I say that often. So patient and loving and amazing. He gave me a back massage and then just lovingly rubbed my arms and stomach and my body. He listened and loved on me. We ended up having sex - it had been an entire month since the last time - and it was incredible. He knew exactly what I needed to bring me back to myself. It was cathartic, in a way. Afterward I was able to snuggle up next to him and go to sleep right away when he started reading to me.

Today is good so far. I was a little teary when I remembered that my friend was gone, but I had to take DarkKnight and BugGirl to work, so I threw on my shoes and coat and soldiered through that. Now I am back home and about to get my to do list updated and then shower at around 9 am. We are not sure when BugGirl will be done with her orientation at work, but probably around 2:30 I will go to pick her up, and then DarkKnight is done at 4 pm. He has choral practice tonight at 6, so dinner will be quick. BugGirl mentioned we needed more breakfast squares made (everyone eats this egg, ground sausage and peppers in a casserole every single morning - I don’t but AntMan & BugGirl throw it on a bagel, and PunkRock and DarkKnight eat it right out of the pan for a quick breakfast on the go. I stick to my Atkins shakes) so I will have to make a grocery store trip between the two work pickups.

Hopefully I can continue in a good headspace. I did finish reading chapter 2 in More Than Two, and I want to get chapter 3 knocked out as well. I told PunkRock I only want to discuss things once a week, so our time together isn’t spent in this heightened emotional state all the time. He was okay with that. He hasn’t started reading chapter 2 yet that I know of, unless he did last night.
 
I'm sorry about your friend, Bluebird. You have had a lot on your plate! I would also think having Punkrock date for the first time might be contributing to your emotional response. You haven't experienced him as a hinge yet, you're still feeling shaky because of his relapse, it makes sense all that unknown would also contribute to where you are emotionally.

I know you know this but addiction is a disease. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Its his demon to deal with. I think of it like mental health issues.... we can support our loved ones but they have to do the personal work.... and if they don't do it, it's not because they don't love us, it's because it's a disease.

((Hugs))

My ex husband has little to no relationship with his sons. He loves them. I know it and I've seen it. But his addiction is stronger. Addiction really sucks!
 
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I know you know this but addiction is a disease. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Its his demon to deal with. I think of it like mental health issues.... we can support our loved ones but they have to do the personal work.... and if they don't do it, it's not because they don't love us, it's because it's a disease.
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I do know it. That’s why I feel so out of sorts. I swore - I SWORE - I would never be involved with an addict. My dad had issues, my brother is still fighting and now my daughter has her own battle going on. It is so hard to see PunkRock having issues, and the lies and the instability it brings into my life are ones I don’t want. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but his promises are empty anymore. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the hope. He can’t tell me the truth when things matter the most - he won’t share his feelings before he goes on a binge. He clearly doesn’t admit he has an issue to any therapists, and he won’t stick to AA. How can I trust him to be honest and forthright and upfront when he’s dating? It’s just exhausting. I’m all over the place, depending on the day, and how I feel changes frequently.

I want him to date and be happy. I honestly do. I think it would be good for him. But at what cost, if he can’t keep it together? What if he starts lying to me about drinking and smoking and uses her as a way to do it away from home? He swears again this time he is going to stick with his treatment. Okay. Okay. It’s exhausting. I’m so very tired of being up and down and all over the place emotionally.

Speaking of which, I did DarkKnight’s taxes today. I have been crying in relief since halfway through with them. When he was unemployed for 5 months last year, we had to cash out his 401(k) to live on. We survived, but now he has no retirement. We all still agree it was the best choice, but rebuilding is gonna be a bitch. Anyway - taxes. I have been so stressed about finances and paying the penalty on this withdrawal. I was figuring we might owe a 5-figure tax and penalty on it. Like, not a small amount. With our money stretched to the limit right now already, I’ve just been crazy anxious about it. Like it would keep me up all night, thinking about how we were going to pay it off. I honestly was prepared in my mind to get a night job so I could put the entire wage toward this.

Well, we don’t have to pay a thing! We have a $7000 penalty, but that was taken and the large amount of taxes owed were taken back when the disbursement was made. We are actually getting a small refund, which we can put toward our credit card debt. Having this weight lifted is just amazing. But holy fuck, can I just have one day without a huge emotional swing? I can’t keep up.

I can address everything that’s happening logically. I can see what’s causing and amping up my emotions.. But I really don’t know how to keep things mellow any more. Things that are going on aren’t normal. Or there is just too much at once. I am trying to handle too much. Someone posted here that I need to get a job - there’s no way my household would function. I couldn’t function. I need this year to unfold and see happens.

I don’t want to lose my husband. I love PunkRock so much. That has never changed. But I so need support. His ability as a hinge is unknown. It’s scary. I don’t know how and I know I can’t fix his addictions. Will this break me? What else is coming up? I need a therapist, but my new one is full up until March. Wtf! We’ve only had one meeting anyway. I’m not confident she is even a good fit. I don’t know.

Right now I’m just riding the waves up and down and hoping those downs aren’t too crazy low. I’m still reeling over the death of my friend. I still can’t believe it.
 
I finally weighed myself yesterday. 21 pounds down! Yay! I started low carb on Sept 29 but we took off the entire month of December and had several cheat days this January. Slow and steady, I suppose. Losing 25 pounds was my first goal and I am hoping I can get it done by Valentine’s Day. Then, I have another 15 pounds and I think I will be happy!

DarkKnight had practice last night, so after snuggling on the couch for a short bit, PunkRock and I spent the evening in the basement. I cleared off my crafting desk and made some labels for storage containers, while he was on the unfinished side, taking care of some trash. I’ve been really down about not being creative - my space has been a disaster! It was good to have this area looking better than it has in a long time. I posted yesterday on Facebook about closing the Blessing Box every Wednesday now, and I am happy about maybe carving out time to make stuff!

PunkRock and I had another tearful discussion last night, which was not my intention at all. I was hoping to have an easy, breezy low key night but that didn’t happen. I can say though that I feel better about our relationship than I have in quite a few months. Maybe slow and steady is the way to go there as well. He suggested maybe we have a few sessions with his therapist as a couple, which would probably be a good idea - especially since I can’t get back in with mine. This morning I really feel at peace with everything, so we will see. My main issue is that I am not sure how to react to him drinking or smoking again - at this point I feel I only have the nuclear option and I absolutely don’t want that. So what do I do if it happens? That’s my heartache right now.

We did have sex last night and I felt very calm and very much loved afterward. He is such a wonderful partner in so many ways!

I hope his date day goes well for him - he has a half day of work and he & HippieChick are going to go to lunch (her treat, since he bankrolled McDonald’s last time OMG) and then they’re going to walk around the mall for a while so they can talk and get to know each other more. After she wants to go to the gym and then come over to game night and dinner (we are ordering in Jersey Mike’s). I gave our gaming friend a head’s up by text and he had me laughing. It should be a good night!

We also discussed Friday plans and he’s not sure about what’s happening there. DarkKnight and I were given free tickets to go and see the Bonnie & Clyde stage show in town, so we are definitely doing that! PunkRock has mentioned possibly going out with HippieChick if things go well today. I told him I could shift him a wee bit of cash to pay for pizza, if they would like to do a Netflix night (minus the Chill since neither of them have had testing done yet) but he was uncertain. **shrugs** Whatever. I guess we will see. Now I know you are thinking probably that pizza is sooooo not low carb, but DarkKnight and I won’t be sticking to that as the theater has a buffet with like zero low carb options usually - like, everything has carbs there! So it’s only fair that PunkRock can eat trash too, but to be honest I would much rather be having pizza myself!
 
Today has been a good day. Lots of Blessing Box business, but with help from AntMan, I kept on top off everything. So, that was a plus. PunkRock took me to lunch for some yummy burgers (no bun!) and later we went shopping for Fresh Food Friday together.

Yesterday HippieChick and PunkRock went to lunch together and out to a park to walk. After their date, they came here to our home for dinner (subs from Jersey Mike’s) and joined our regularly scheduled game night with our friend. It went really well, I think.

We switched around our normal seating, so she could sit next to PunkRock and feel comfortable. The first game we played was Mysterium, which is a co-op game. I played the ghost, and everyone else were the psychics trying to figure out who killed me, in what room and with what weapon. Kinda like Clue, but also not at all like Clue. Lol Everyone lost at the end, but it was fun. Then we played a quick few rounds of We Didn’t Playtest This at All, and that had everyone laughing and in a good mood. Hex Hex was also played and at points we were literally grabbing and throwing both cards and pieces - it was a blast. Then we ended the night with Resistance, which everyone also seemed to enjoy. Later PunkRock told me I was too bossy in the last game but that’s per usual. We deliberately stayed away from competitive games because I am REALLY competitive. I’ve been trying to work on that, but well, I guess HippieChick got an accurate representation of what our family and friends do on a game night!

PunkRock and I snuggled and talked afterward on the couch, and he seemed reflective. He got a hug and a first date kiss. He said she still doesn’t know what she wants - a romantic relationship, or just a FWB or what. He is hoping to talk some more with her on their date Friday night. I gave him some cash - the plan is for them to order in pizza and hang at our house, while DarkKnight & I are at Bonnie & Clyde. They might do something else but I don’t know.

I am worried about PunkRock’s heart - I know he is really into HippieChick already. He wants to be her boyfriend. She told him that she is concerned about what she would say to her family about seeing him, and she’s not sure if she’s ready for romance right now. He told me no matter what she’d like, he’s in. I believe he should not move forward as a FWB, as I can tell he would be hurt and hoping for more. That’s his choice of course, but I see him really ending up devastated in the end if that is how it turns out.

I hope she likes him enough to move forward as a love match.

Today was PunkRock’s intake appointment for addiction therapy. He was matched with a therapist and his first real appointment is now mid February. So good on that.
 
Another night, another issue. PunkRock apparently had decided to skip seeing me at all on Friday, and had changed his date night with HippieChick into a date day and night. He’s working a half a day of overtime, and stupid me believed that our regular routine would be that - he comes home with lunch, we spend some time catching up, and then he takes a nap because he’s exhausted until dinner. I figure he’d do that. Well, no, instead he told me late last night that he doesn’t know the exact specifics, but that he planned to probably go right from work to her house to help unload windows from her vehicle, and then they were going to hang out all day.

I was completely stunned, to say the least. Like, what? As of right now there is still nothing on the shared calendar, including the actual date night. I told him that this sort of miscommunication isn’t okay. If he’s doing something outside of the norm - I need to know. And not seeing me at all is a huge change. I mean, relationship needs notwithstanding, did he even think about what he was going to say when I texted him about lunch? I’m home without a car and expecting him to bring food. What the hell! “Sorry, I’m in another state” would not work for me!

This just really sent me into a bad headspace, like, he’s already not using the calendar, failing to keep me in the loop about changes to our schedule, and most important really, just completely ignoring the fact that he’s my husband and I need to see his face. I get that he has NRE and wants to spend time with her and isn’t thinking, but this is basic stuff.

I’m okay and fine if he is going to see her and help her out and hang during the time he would have been sleeping. But to do so when we wouldn’t be seeing each other all night, and to leave me stranded without knowing what was going on, waiting to hear from him about lunch? That’s not okay. The thought that he would do so, so flippantly, made me feel discounted and that my needs and heart are not important to him.

He also had promised to do a small chore on Thursday for me - cleaning out a donated aquarium - and it didn’t happen. I had assumed he’d do it today instead, but to find out he wasn’t going to even touch it and instead go do work at her house? For real right now? Originally I was going to have AntMan take care of it, but PunkRock cut in and said he would make sure it’s done. Well, it wasn’t. And now it won’t be. So I was irritated at that. To top that off, when we were discussing all of this he said (after a while) that he had told me that he would do it on Saturday - which was absolutely fucking not true in the least. If he had ever said that, I would have shut that down, because on Wednesday when he said he would do it on Thursday, I was worried about the smell - the aquarium has dirty slimy water in it - and no way would I be okay with it sitting in my sunporch stinking up the house until Saturday! So I immediately felt like he was trying to gaslight me.

Just a fail all around.

I told him I need consistency and follow through, and using the calendar, if this is ever going to work. I am again anxious about him attempting to hinge without any experience, during a time when I am vulnerable and stressed over a million different things. Including the fact that I am not trusting him in the least due to his alcoholism and lack of follow through on treatment. My attachment issues are seriously screaming SO LOUD right now.

End result, he said he really didn’t think about me needing lunch and didn’t realize that I see that time as a way to connect. He promised this morning when he left for work that he would be home then, and will make sure his plans happen after that time. So, we’re good. I’m trying hard to chalk all of this up to NRE dumb-dumb heads, and he made some good points.

My anxious attachment isn’t going anywhere, but I had made some really strong strides with it over the course of our relationship. It’s true - when I find myself needing reassurance, I don’t whine about it or cause a scene, I just quietly put myself in his proximity, I go and find him, and get that verbal or physical reassurance by saying I love you, or getting a hug, and then just moving on with my day. And before all the nonsense that was last year, a lot of my past trauma was actually taken care of over the course of our relationship.

He brought up how stressed I would get near the beginning of our relationship when he had to not show up and cancel our trivia nights due to work, and how that sort of inconsistency made me absolutely doom and gloom. I had actually forgotten all about that - because that sort of thing doesn’t happen anymore. My attachment was actually healthy, and stronger than it had ever been, before last year. He said that I handle changes so well now, and I come and get reassurance without even bringing it up - he doesn’t even realize that I still have that in my background. He doesn’t even know that it’s happening because it’s not an issue in his mind, and my actions aren’t something that he recognizes as a self-soothe anymore.

Cue him binge drinking and lying to me about it and not communicating. Cue my daughter cutting all ties to me while she’s using drugs with the potential to kill her. Cue our main financial support losing his job and being unemployed for 5 months, while dealing with major depression himself. Cue my therapist just completely shutting up shop and leaving town without even whispering about it to me. Yeah. My attachment in absolute shambles right now.

So PunkRock asked me to please share with him some insights on how we can repair our foundation and get my attachment disorder back to being managed. I told him that it’s the same as it always was - I need consistency and time. He told me that I am allowed to ask for time and hugs and attention - and that had me in tears and ugly-crying instantly. He said that now that I have brought it up, he absolutely will make sure that he pays closer mind to those sorts of things that I need, and that I should think about it and try to quantify those things specifically to him, so he doesn’t miss them and I am not left anxious and upset.

My issue is of course, exactly the same as his. Previously, these attachment repairs I’ve been doing have become second nature and I have no fucking clue what they are. So now I have to pay attention and point them out. Which I am definitely going to do. I think this is a really good way to make sure things go smoother, and it’s something I can do for myself and him to make our relationship stronger.

I really really need our relationship to be stronger right now.
 
It might be wise to remember that while these routines and norms worked when you were the only active dater, it doesn't complement his dating style as much. By finding routines that complement his dating style as well as yours, it will be easier to achieve consistency.

Personally, even when I have a nesting partner, it doesnt work when I'm booked in for dinner EVERY NIGHT at home. These days I do have dinner at home most nights but we take it day by day mostly. There isn't the assumption that I will be at a particular place at a particular time just because that's my primary/nesting/spousal partner. Calendars are fairly important to me these days but not to my other partners who don't always put stuff in. But it's me that thrives on it, not them, so even thought they can put things in, I make sure I do it when they mention something so I can see availability at a glance. It seems too combative to keep bugging them to do it when they happily accept the consequences of double-booking instead of religiously maintaining a shared calendar.

Also remember that you've had him for a lot of nights and days etc and losing a few now while he is excited shouldn't ruin your life.

You have another partner, a busy family life, the blessing box, you could find a job, tutoring/teaching to get on with, so maybe focus on that and let him find his feet independently. He seems a good guy, I don't think he will desert you.
 
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