SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
How would you employ the "test first" rule in a swinging situation?
Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love
- Thread starter Bluebird
- Start date
How would you employ the "test first" rule in a swinging situation?
Bluebird
Well-known member
Well, that’s an issue - isn’t it? It’s why I haven’t been involved in any swinging situations in 6 years.
Editing now that I have a second to write a little more. The thought turns me on like crazy, but the reality is I am not really up to taking risks like that, and I would not want my partners to take risks either. MisterMoonbeam said he was willing to defer to my comfort level, with no drama attached. He said he doesn’t want me to feel pressured to do anything, and honestly he is more of a voyeur than anything. I’ve had sex in front of people before but it’s been a long time, so even that - I don’t know. Emotionally, I don’t know where I am at with anything like that either. We will definitely discuss things more as the date gets closer. I can say that I trust him a lot when it comes to consent and safety, and I believe that he won’t put any pressure on me if all I want to do is enjoy the sun and sand and leave sexy times to between us in private.
I had time today to call my son’s apartment complex and they said he would need to pay $15 to recertify for the apartment, and provide a recent paystub and bank statement. No problem there. For BugGirl to move in - she would have to pay $30 and provide her license and most recent paystub. Okay with that too. I spoke to BugGirl at length about things and she’s upbeat about moving in with her brother and getting things established. I also spoke to MisterMoonbeam again about his move, and he told me he is speaking to his late wife’s best friend tomorrow about his dogs. She has tomorrow off of work and he wants to make sure they have time for the conversation. He says he 100% wants to move in and his only concern is caring for his dogs. It makes me care for him even more - he loves his pets as much as I love mine! He said he is okay with getting the one fixed and paying for part of the costs of a fence, if the house she buys doesn’t have one. So things are progressing in the paperwork stage.
Editing now that I have a second to write a little more. The thought turns me on like crazy, but the reality is I am not really up to taking risks like that, and I would not want my partners to take risks either. MisterMoonbeam said he was willing to defer to my comfort level, with no drama attached. He said he doesn’t want me to feel pressured to do anything, and honestly he is more of a voyeur than anything. I’ve had sex in front of people before but it’s been a long time, so even that - I don’t know. Emotionally, I don’t know where I am at with anything like that either. We will definitely discuss things more as the date gets closer. I can say that I trust him a lot when it comes to consent and safety, and I believe that he won’t put any pressure on me if all I want to do is enjoy the sun and sand and leave sexy times to between us in private.
I had time today to call my son’s apartment complex and they said he would need to pay $15 to recertify for the apartment, and provide a recent paystub and bank statement. No problem there. For BugGirl to move in - she would have to pay $30 and provide her license and most recent paystub. Okay with that too. I spoke to BugGirl at length about things and she’s upbeat about moving in with her brother and getting things established. I also spoke to MisterMoonbeam again about his move, and he told me he is speaking to his late wife’s best friend tomorrow about his dogs. She has tomorrow off of work and he wants to make sure they have time for the conversation. He says he 100% wants to move in and his only concern is caring for his dogs. It makes me care for him even more - he loves his pets as much as I love mine! He said he is okay with getting the one fixed and paying for part of the costs of a fence, if the house she buys doesn’t have one. So things are progressing in the paperwork stage.
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Bluebird
Well-known member
DarkKnight and I escaped the house yesterday and had a drive thru date at Starbucks. I am seriously weirded out by being at home all the time. I can’t believe how excited I was to go through a drive thru! Strange times.
I am happy for the weekend - I closed the Box Saturday and Sunday, though Sunday we are picking up furniture from a friend’s house. They sold the house and now need everything cleared out. The house has been unoccupied for like a year, with most of the contents just sitting there. She is home this weekend and trying to empty it out. Since MisterMoonbeam has a minivan, we cleaned that out today together to get it ready for Sunday. We have two families to gift this stuff to, and we will be doing curbside drop offs so we don’t interact with anyone.
I have nothing on the schedule tomorrow. Maybe I will do some organizing in the house - things are still all over the place. I need to buy a closet or wardrobe system for DarkKnight’s basement bedroom. Not a fan of the setup that PunkRock had - I want to replace everything! I have the cash to spend, but all of the furniture stores are closed! I have been looking online but no luck yet.
I am happy for the weekend - I closed the Box Saturday and Sunday, though Sunday we are picking up furniture from a friend’s house. They sold the house and now need everything cleared out. The house has been unoccupied for like a year, with most of the contents just sitting there. She is home this weekend and trying to empty it out. Since MisterMoonbeam has a minivan, we cleaned that out today together to get it ready for Sunday. We have two families to gift this stuff to, and we will be doing curbside drop offs so we don’t interact with anyone.
I have nothing on the schedule tomorrow. Maybe I will do some organizing in the house - things are still all over the place. I need to buy a closet or wardrobe system for DarkKnight’s basement bedroom. Not a fan of the setup that PunkRock had - I want to replace everything! I have the cash to spend, but all of the furniture stores are closed! I have been looking online but no luck yet.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Lol So the closets in the basement collapsed (apparently I own too many skirts) so now I have to buy new ones! I wanted to get a couple of armoires with doors, but since all the stores are closed, online pickings are slim. So instead I am going to buy a couple of mid-range priced open systems and replace when the economy is open for business - whenever that may be.
I am in an okay mood today. Yesterday so took the day off from life and read 5 stupid romance novels on my Kindle app. They were truly terrible and I relished every minute! Though, to be fair I did regret it some after all! To just let go and not think about anything - that was super awesome. I will have the Box closed Fri-Sat-Sun this next weekend coming up, but I will be in Virginia helping MisterMoonbeam move. We will be taking BugGirl with us for packing assistance!
Right now I am still in my feels but every day is better. Well, not really - it’s kind of up and down, but it’s definitely trending positive around here.
I am in an okay mood today. Yesterday so took the day off from life and read 5 stupid romance novels on my Kindle app. They were truly terrible and I relished every minute! Though, to be fair I did regret it some after all! To just let go and not think about anything - that was super awesome. I will have the Box closed Fri-Sat-Sun this next weekend coming up, but I will be in Virginia helping MisterMoonbeam move. We will be taking BugGirl with us for packing assistance!
Right now I am still in my feels but every day is better. Well, not really - it’s kind of up and down, but it’s definitely trending positive around here.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I forgot to update about MisterMoonbeam's dogs. His late wife's best friend had an offer accepted on a house, and the inspection is Wednesday. She agreed to take the dogs, and he is going to help repair parts of the backyard fence if needed. Hopefully the inspection goes well and she can move forward. The realtor told her he wants her to close by June 1, so that is definitely within the time range MisterMoonbeam has to move. His move out date is July 1.
I am up early this morning, getting things done. My two oldest have decided they do want to move in together - this way my son can stay put in his current apartment, and BugGirl is excited about the space and not being under her mom's watchful eye anymore. lol I have talked to the management company, and they gave me a list of what is needed, so I printed off everything for my son (I'm his rep payee since he is on disability, and I handle all his numbers) and the paystubs BugGirl sent to me. I still need a photo of her license, so I sent her a message asking for one a few minutes ago. I hope to have all this stuff submitted this morning, so we can get their housing situation locked down before May 1. BugGirl's move in date would be June 1.
Today I also went online and put some bills on deferment for the next few months. Our mortgage gave us a 'no questions asked" delay of 3 months, with the payments getting tacked on the back end of our loan, with no extra interest and no negatives on DarkKnight's credit. I asked for a deferment on my student loans as well, but they said they would review the request and respond back soon.
I have a lot of work to do in the overflow room for the Blessing Box later on, and I am feeling upbeat and positive about accomplishing things. I am going to be closed Friday through Sunday, but only out of town Thursday night through late Saturday. I figured I would take Sunday as a day off and hope for nice weather. I'd like to go hiking and have a picnic. We will see how that goes. I am super bummed that I can't have any regular dates with DarkKnight or MisterMoonbeam. I am going to do some brainstorming and see what I can come up with for lockdown special occasions! DarkKnight's birthday is on the 9th - I've already bought his two gifts and they've arrived. I can't wait to share it, but since he once in a blue moon will look at my journal, I am going to hold off posting a pic. All I can say is that it is fucking amazing.
I am up early this morning, getting things done. My two oldest have decided they do want to move in together - this way my son can stay put in his current apartment, and BugGirl is excited about the space and not being under her mom's watchful eye anymore. lol I have talked to the management company, and they gave me a list of what is needed, so I printed off everything for my son (I'm his rep payee since he is on disability, and I handle all his numbers) and the paystubs BugGirl sent to me. I still need a photo of her license, so I sent her a message asking for one a few minutes ago. I hope to have all this stuff submitted this morning, so we can get their housing situation locked down before May 1. BugGirl's move in date would be June 1.
Today I also went online and put some bills on deferment for the next few months. Our mortgage gave us a 'no questions asked" delay of 3 months, with the payments getting tacked on the back end of our loan, with no extra interest and no negatives on DarkKnight's credit. I asked for a deferment on my student loans as well, but they said they would review the request and respond back soon.
I have a lot of work to do in the overflow room for the Blessing Box later on, and I am feeling upbeat and positive about accomplishing things. I am going to be closed Friday through Sunday, but only out of town Thursday night through late Saturday. I figured I would take Sunday as a day off and hope for nice weather. I'd like to go hiking and have a picnic. We will see how that goes. I am super bummed that I can't have any regular dates with DarkKnight or MisterMoonbeam. I am going to do some brainstorming and see what I can come up with for lockdown special occasions! DarkKnight's birthday is on the 9th - I've already bought his two gifts and they've arrived. I can't wait to share it, but since he once in a blue moon will look at my journal, I am going to hold off posting a pic. All I can say is that it is fucking amazing.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Inspection on the house went well - looks like MisterMoonbeam’s dogs have a home. <3
I finally filled out my census today. I deliberately held off until PunkRock moved out - I didn’t want my documents sitting there for generations and generations with his name on them. Like, I know my court records from changing my name will exist in the future, forever after, but the census meant a lot to me. So I waited and then I forgot, but I finally filled it out today.
I handed out 43 face masks yesterday and my main seamstress dropped off 60+ kits with fabric and elastic to make more this afternoon, but I am waiting to get matched up again with people who are willing to sew! I am sad because I see so many people without them on my porch and they tell me they can’t afford to buy one. It makes me happy to give them away and help people stay safe. Hopefully I get some more sewing peeps signed up soon.
This morning a church dropped off a ton of produce - apples, onions, cabbages and potatoes. Almost all of it is gone now. I think maybe I have 25-50 onions left? Sweetness. Today was not what I intended but people got food! This evening MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight are delivering curbside to two families, a twin bed and a dining room table & chairs.
Overall I am super happy today. Just up. I cleaned my living room but my kitchen is a disaster. Our cats are having pee issues all over the place and Milton (PunkRock’s main squeeze) is still having major behavioral problems and is the one causing most of the problems. Our tripod Albus has been peeing in both the living room AND in the basement! He’s never, ever had issues before but Milton is making everyone crazy. We are going to sequester him in BugGirl’s room tonight with our other cat Harry. This is getting nuts.
I finally filled out my census today. I deliberately held off until PunkRock moved out - I didn’t want my documents sitting there for generations and generations with his name on them. Like, I know my court records from changing my name will exist in the future, forever after, but the census meant a lot to me. So I waited and then I forgot, but I finally filled it out today.
I handed out 43 face masks yesterday and my main seamstress dropped off 60+ kits with fabric and elastic to make more this afternoon, but I am waiting to get matched up again with people who are willing to sew! I am sad because I see so many people without them on my porch and they tell me they can’t afford to buy one. It makes me happy to give them away and help people stay safe. Hopefully I get some more sewing peeps signed up soon.
This morning a church dropped off a ton of produce - apples, onions, cabbages and potatoes. Almost all of it is gone now. I think maybe I have 25-50 onions left? Sweetness. Today was not what I intended but people got food! This evening MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight are delivering curbside to two families, a twin bed and a dining room table & chairs.
Overall I am super happy today. Just up. I cleaned my living room but my kitchen is a disaster. Our cats are having pee issues all over the place and Milton (PunkRock’s main squeeze) is still having major behavioral problems and is the one causing most of the problems. Our tripod Albus has been peeing in both the living room AND in the basement! He’s never, ever had issues before but Milton is making everyone crazy. We are going to sequester him in BugGirl’s room tonight with our other cat Harry. This is getting nuts.
Bluebird
Well-known member
DarkKnight & I had an unplanned date night yesterday - we sat in the Sonic parking lot and just hung out. I had a queso burger, onion rings and a strawberry slush! Soooo healthy! Lol We decided we will be going back on our diet after his birthday, which is the 9th. Anyway, while we were out, MisterMoonbeam had a Skype/online gaming date with his other girlfriend. I had two sleepovers in a row because of that, with DarkKnight. Such fun! We had sexy times the first night and he was a little bit more adventurous than normal, so that was a surprise! Sex with him is always good - he is very sweet and giving.
It’s supposed to rain all day but the temps have been getting higher recently. I’m going to Virginia this weekend with MisterMoonbeam to do more packing at his house and one of the highs will be 84! I’m excited about that. It means I can wear dresses and skirts without leggings or kneesocks! I’m hoping the rain keeps the number of visitors down a bit today to my Blessing Box. I have a lot of household cleaning to do - I’ve done laundry already today, and I need to really focus on the kitchen floor! Yesterday I sanitized and cleaned the living room but it’s looking rough again this morning. I’m not at all sure how it happens, to be honest!
Our cat Albus was sequestered for the first time last night and our upstairs is pee free for the moment. I really hope he was the last one having issues - only time will tell. If it manages to stay clear over the weekend, when I get back from Virginia we will start eliminating cats from the basement to see who the culprits are down there. We are pretty sure it’s Poppy, our blind cat, having issues down there, but we want to be certain about the upstairs first, before bringing her up - in case she starts peeing upstairs then! I only have so many rooms to trap cats in! But having Lenny in MisterMoonbeam’s bedroom has had him using just the litter box there and our kitchen counters are clear now. Having Harry in BugGirl’s room stopped the living room carpet peeing war that was going on, and he’s sticking to the litter box in there. The goal is to get them straightened out and then reintroduce them to the house again after 2 months or so to make sure they’re done. Cats are very sensitive to household changes, and PunkRock’s leaving had them all stressed. Milton is causing all sorts of issues, and separating the others from him is making a difference.
It’s supposed to rain all day but the temps have been getting higher recently. I’m going to Virginia this weekend with MisterMoonbeam to do more packing at his house and one of the highs will be 84! I’m excited about that. It means I can wear dresses and skirts without leggings or kneesocks! I’m hoping the rain keeps the number of visitors down a bit today to my Blessing Box. I have a lot of household cleaning to do - I’ve done laundry already today, and I need to really focus on the kitchen floor! Yesterday I sanitized and cleaned the living room but it’s looking rough again this morning. I’m not at all sure how it happens, to be honest!
Our cat Albus was sequestered for the first time last night and our upstairs is pee free for the moment. I really hope he was the last one having issues - only time will tell. If it manages to stay clear over the weekend, when I get back from Virginia we will start eliminating cats from the basement to see who the culprits are down there. We are pretty sure it’s Poppy, our blind cat, having issues down there, but we want to be certain about the upstairs first, before bringing her up - in case she starts peeing upstairs then! I only have so many rooms to trap cats in! But having Lenny in MisterMoonbeam’s bedroom has had him using just the litter box there and our kitchen counters are clear now. Having Harry in BugGirl’s room stopped the living room carpet peeing war that was going on, and he’s sticking to the litter box in there. The goal is to get them straightened out and then reintroduce them to the house again after 2 months or so to make sure they’re done. Cats are very sensitive to household changes, and PunkRock’s leaving had them all stressed. Milton is causing all sorts of issues, and separating the others from him is making a difference.
Bluebird
Well-known member
No major updates but lots of things going on here.
My cats are all insane. I woke up yesterday with pee pouring down from the ceiling, so Albus has been removed from BugGirl’s room and he’s now alone in the office. He had no issues the rest of the day and used the litter box just fine after being moved. DarkKnight decided to go ahead and keep all of the cats out of the basement this past weekend, and he tore up the foam tile floor we had in the closet portion of the basement because there were a couple of spots just saturated. Thankfully the subfloor looks good, but we purchased a heavy duty urine destroyer and sprayed everything down anyway. He and I went to Lowe’s yesterday (I stayed in the car) and he grabbed all new foam tile flooring to replace the old ones. We are leaving them off for a couple of days though to be sure the subfloor is dry and looks good - though it is already. I am excited about redoing this section of the basement!
Yesterday I was home all day and I tracked our blind cat, Poppy, the entire time. She peed twice in the kitchen, 5 times in the hallway and once in the living room. She used the litter box twice to poop. I prepped a cage for her in MisterMoonbeam’s bedroom, and she used the litter box in the cage immediately to pee, so I joined it to a second cage to give her some more space. In a short bit I am going to check it to see if she managed to keep all of the urine in the litter. If she did, we are going to let her free roam in the bedroom and hope she can stay accident free. Before we let her out though, I need to move all of my shoes into the basement! I’m not taking a risk of having them get ruined!
I feel really bad for Poppy - she is clearly having issues because of the separation from PunkRock - she was strongly bonded to him. I did talk to the vet and the consensus is that she’s either marking to let him know where she is, or she’s marking to let the other cats know that if he shows up in these spaces, it’s her territory. Milton is attacking all of the others to stake territory for the same reason, causing stress and unrest. This makes me want to cry. I never wanted 7 cats - all of these animals were his and he just threw them away as much as he did me. They’re my babies now and I love them lots, but it’s so very frustrating to be dealing with my own grief and theirs at the same time.
We ordered new closet systems and are currently awaiting their arrival. My clothing is piled in a huge mountain on top of a dresser in the basement until then. DarkKnight is using two cheap racks I had stored for the Blessing Box. I can’t wait until the new closets arrive!
I accomplished a lot this weekend in Virginia at MisterMoonbeam’s house. I packed up his entire office, and got it loaded into his minivan almost all by myself! I carried almost every box from the second floor down and out onto the porch railing, where he took them 3 steps into the van! What happened is that he injured himself somehow, and he couldn’t really function without major pain. It’s a massive pain down his leg from his hip. He doesn’t think it’s muscle related - it’s more like nerve pain. He has a call into his doctor and is hoping to get some muscle relaxers today. They will probably make him come in to the office though. We are hoping not. He’s kinda been down and out since coming home and having lots of pain. Advil isn’t really touching it.
Anyway, we packed and emptied his office, and I sent messages to his cleaning person so they will vacuum and have it just be DONE. Yay! His bedroom is also done but it’s a staging point right now for boxes going into storage, so it’s got stuff stacked everywhere. Not this weekend but the next, we will go back to pack up his art room and jewelry making room - his late wife had an Etsy business so it’s packed to the ceiling. Because this is going to be stressful, BugGirl is supposed to come with us and hopefully we can empty both of these spaces completely and box it all up for storage. MisterMoonbeam is having more and more difficulty emotionally every time we go back to his house - he had a massive stomachache on the ride up. I’m trying my best to be the support he needs. Thankfully, he has a few friends who are always responsive to help him - his cleaning person is an amazing woman and family friend, who is proactive about texting me and asking for jobs and direction in between our visits, and the friend who is taking his dogs is a rockstar at showing up and just making his late wife’s personal items just disappear into boxes for later sorting. MisterMoonbeam can’t handle it right now, so having it just be in brown cubes is easier for him. His friends are helping us set up moving day itself - he has said emotionally he can’t load anything and so he is going to pay a crew to just empty the house. So then he can drive the truck to Hagerstown where I live, and we will have people here to unload it into the storage unit. The plan is to then pull out 5 boxes a week to go through so he isn’t so overwhelmed.
He is really struggling with depression and anxiety, and I am trying to give him space to manage that. He’s doing the same when I have crying jags. To be truthful though, those are coming less and less for me. I will suddenly be visited by a memory, or I will start making a plan for the future, and get hit with a wave of sadness. My life has changed so much since February, but that is life I suppose. My “move forward” mantra has focused my mindset in a positive way and it’s helping a great deal.
I am supposed to hear today about BugGirl and my son sharing an apartment - the clerical person has texted me almost everyday in getting it set up. I am going to freak the hell out if they don’t get approved - it is going to be a massive undertaking to try and find them another location to live in. BugGirl is making some questionable choices right now and I am worried about her. She’s been staying in a hotel all week with a new boyfriend - I haven’t met him but he’s a blast from the past. He actually called me many times when my daughter was actively using last year to try and get her into rehab and help her. So I like him for that reason. But somehow she has now purchased a motorcycle, insured and registered it. And she doesn’t have a motorcycle license. The MVA is closed right now. She texted me to say she did it through a dealership, but I am pretty sure he owns this thing, and her name is nowhere on it. It’s going to get impounded if she is driving without a license. She didn’t like me saying that. She is supposed to be home tomorrow.
My cats are all insane. I woke up yesterday with pee pouring down from the ceiling, so Albus has been removed from BugGirl’s room and he’s now alone in the office. He had no issues the rest of the day and used the litter box just fine after being moved. DarkKnight decided to go ahead and keep all of the cats out of the basement this past weekend, and he tore up the foam tile floor we had in the closet portion of the basement because there were a couple of spots just saturated. Thankfully the subfloor looks good, but we purchased a heavy duty urine destroyer and sprayed everything down anyway. He and I went to Lowe’s yesterday (I stayed in the car) and he grabbed all new foam tile flooring to replace the old ones. We are leaving them off for a couple of days though to be sure the subfloor is dry and looks good - though it is already. I am excited about redoing this section of the basement!
Yesterday I was home all day and I tracked our blind cat, Poppy, the entire time. She peed twice in the kitchen, 5 times in the hallway and once in the living room. She used the litter box twice to poop. I prepped a cage for her in MisterMoonbeam’s bedroom, and she used the litter box in the cage immediately to pee, so I joined it to a second cage to give her some more space. In a short bit I am going to check it to see if she managed to keep all of the urine in the litter. If she did, we are going to let her free roam in the bedroom and hope she can stay accident free. Before we let her out though, I need to move all of my shoes into the basement! I’m not taking a risk of having them get ruined!
I feel really bad for Poppy - she is clearly having issues because of the separation from PunkRock - she was strongly bonded to him. I did talk to the vet and the consensus is that she’s either marking to let him know where she is, or she’s marking to let the other cats know that if he shows up in these spaces, it’s her territory. Milton is attacking all of the others to stake territory for the same reason, causing stress and unrest. This makes me want to cry. I never wanted 7 cats - all of these animals were his and he just threw them away as much as he did me. They’re my babies now and I love them lots, but it’s so very frustrating to be dealing with my own grief and theirs at the same time.
We ordered new closet systems and are currently awaiting their arrival. My clothing is piled in a huge mountain on top of a dresser in the basement until then. DarkKnight is using two cheap racks I had stored for the Blessing Box. I can’t wait until the new closets arrive!
I accomplished a lot this weekend in Virginia at MisterMoonbeam’s house. I packed up his entire office, and got it loaded into his minivan almost all by myself! I carried almost every box from the second floor down and out onto the porch railing, where he took them 3 steps into the van! What happened is that he injured himself somehow, and he couldn’t really function without major pain. It’s a massive pain down his leg from his hip. He doesn’t think it’s muscle related - it’s more like nerve pain. He has a call into his doctor and is hoping to get some muscle relaxers today. They will probably make him come in to the office though. We are hoping not. He’s kinda been down and out since coming home and having lots of pain. Advil isn’t really touching it.
Anyway, we packed and emptied his office, and I sent messages to his cleaning person so they will vacuum and have it just be DONE. Yay! His bedroom is also done but it’s a staging point right now for boxes going into storage, so it’s got stuff stacked everywhere. Not this weekend but the next, we will go back to pack up his art room and jewelry making room - his late wife had an Etsy business so it’s packed to the ceiling. Because this is going to be stressful, BugGirl is supposed to come with us and hopefully we can empty both of these spaces completely and box it all up for storage. MisterMoonbeam is having more and more difficulty emotionally every time we go back to his house - he had a massive stomachache on the ride up. I’m trying my best to be the support he needs. Thankfully, he has a few friends who are always responsive to help him - his cleaning person is an amazing woman and family friend, who is proactive about texting me and asking for jobs and direction in between our visits, and the friend who is taking his dogs is a rockstar at showing up and just making his late wife’s personal items just disappear into boxes for later sorting. MisterMoonbeam can’t handle it right now, so having it just be in brown cubes is easier for him. His friends are helping us set up moving day itself - he has said emotionally he can’t load anything and so he is going to pay a crew to just empty the house. So then he can drive the truck to Hagerstown where I live, and we will have people here to unload it into the storage unit. The plan is to then pull out 5 boxes a week to go through so he isn’t so overwhelmed.
He is really struggling with depression and anxiety, and I am trying to give him space to manage that. He’s doing the same when I have crying jags. To be truthful though, those are coming less and less for me. I will suddenly be visited by a memory, or I will start making a plan for the future, and get hit with a wave of sadness. My life has changed so much since February, but that is life I suppose. My “move forward” mantra has focused my mindset in a positive way and it’s helping a great deal.
I am supposed to hear today about BugGirl and my son sharing an apartment - the clerical person has texted me almost everyday in getting it set up. I am going to freak the hell out if they don’t get approved - it is going to be a massive undertaking to try and find them another location to live in. BugGirl is making some questionable choices right now and I am worried about her. She’s been staying in a hotel all week with a new boyfriend - I haven’t met him but he’s a blast from the past. He actually called me many times when my daughter was actively using last year to try and get her into rehab and help her. So I like him for that reason. But somehow she has now purchased a motorcycle, insured and registered it. And she doesn’t have a motorcycle license. The MVA is closed right now. She texted me to say she did it through a dealership, but I am pretty sure he owns this thing, and her name is nowhere on it. It’s going to get impounded if she is driving without a license. She didn’t like me saying that. She is supposed to be home tomorrow.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Got my period. Ugh.
The worst though -
A single mom that I knew fairly well through the Blessing Box was found dead in her home yesterday afternoon. More than likely it’s an OD. She tried hard to stay clean sporadically. Her youngest was taken by CPS last summer - she sent me a video of her baby a week or so ago, actually. It’s so fucking sad. Such a waste.
Then last night I received a text that an elderly woman in Clear Spring that we help fairly regularly with medical requests passed away on Friday due to an infection.
I was glad today is a day off. I’ve been teary and I am just exhausted.
However, a day of leisure, this is not.
MisterMoonbeam injured his back the other day, and rather than improve with time and rest, his pain has been steadily ramping up. He has a doctor appointment this morning, and it’s back in Fredericksburg, and I have to drive him. So I was up early to take DarkKnight to work, so I could keep the car.
I REALLY needed a day off, but MisterMoonbeam needs me more. I have Saturday and Sunday to rest, so I am keeping that in my mind.
The worst though -
A single mom that I knew fairly well through the Blessing Box was found dead in her home yesterday afternoon. More than likely it’s an OD. She tried hard to stay clean sporadically. Her youngest was taken by CPS last summer - she sent me a video of her baby a week or so ago, actually. It’s so fucking sad. Such a waste.
Then last night I received a text that an elderly woman in Clear Spring that we help fairly regularly with medical requests passed away on Friday due to an infection.
I was glad today is a day off. I’ve been teary and I am just exhausted.
However, a day of leisure, this is not.
MisterMoonbeam injured his back the other day, and rather than improve with time and rest, his pain has been steadily ramping up. He has a doctor appointment this morning, and it’s back in Fredericksburg, and I have to drive him. So I was up early to take DarkKnight to work, so I could keep the car.
I REALLY needed a day off, but MisterMoonbeam needs me more. I have Saturday and Sunday to rest, so I am keeping that in my mind.
Bluebird
Well-known member
So I spent the entire day yesterday driving to and from Virginia with MisterMoonbeam. He got a steroid shot and a couple of prescriptions, and we are hoping these help. It’s a nerve issue - sciatica. He’s feeling a bit better today but it’s still pretty bad.
After we got home last night I had to run to Walmart to pick up some things and I sat in the car afterward in the parking lot and just cried. I was tired in every way that a person can be tired.
After we got home last night I had to run to Walmart to pick up some things and I sat in the car afterward in the parking lot and just cried. I was tired in every way that a person can be tired.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Another day, another death. I have a grandmother who is a regular at my Blessing Box - she’s raising her 3 young grandkids. Mom is that sandwich generation who can’t keep herself clean. DarkKnight and I delivered Christmas to the entire family 2 years ago, and the very next day baby daddy got arrested and went to prison for 20 or so years. Mom also got a harsh sentence, but got let out to a rehab place. If she could keep clean, they’d suspend the sentence, if not, she’d serve all 20 years of hers. She was clean for a year. Had the kids on and off. Got pregnant. Found out she had breast cancer. She’d text me about it now and then. I was seeing grandma every week as per usual. The oldest little girl is 9-10. She always asks me for a watermelon, so I keep one back for her on Fridays. Well, mom OD earlier this week. She was in the hospital with a brain bleed. They pulled the plug yesterday. Such a fucking waste.
I’ve been crying on and off. This is one of my families. I love these kids. Grandma is broken. She’s old and tired and I don’t know how long she’s going to keep going. I took them 6 bags of groceries today. I don’t know what else to do.
I’m a mess.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I’ve been crying on and off. This is one of my families. I love these kids. Grandma is broken. She’s old and tired and I don’t know how long she’s going to keep going. I took them 6 bags of groceries today. I don’t know what else to do.
I’m a mess.
Happy Mother’s Day.
fuchka
Active member
Jesus, Bluebird, that's terrible.
I can't remember if you'd managed to establish a new therapist you liked but when you do the kind of work you do (let alone any other personal/relationship stuff) I imagine you'd need some supports yourself dealing with the emotional impacts. A term I've heard used is "vicarious trauma". You may be aware of this already but I hope you have enough soft landings for yourself these days x
I can't remember if you'd managed to establish a new therapist you liked but when you do the kind of work you do (let alone any other personal/relationship stuff) I imagine you'd need some supports yourself dealing with the emotional impacts. A term I've heard used is "vicarious trauma". You may be aware of this already but I hope you have enough soft landings for yourself these days x
Bluebird
Well-known member
Yes, I am aware of the term. I am not burned out by the Blessing Box though. I’m just overwhelmed by life all over.
I have to say, 100%, that my 15 years with DarkKnight have been my best years. My childhood was full of trauma, my first marriage was me growing up and discovering that I couldn’t escape my childhood issues by building a world that didn’t face them. I used my ex as an escape from poverty, built myself up with 2 degrees, adopted 2 older children to make a family, and then realized I had failed to pick a partner who was willing to expand his horizons and actually experience life.
When I met DarkKnight, I truly found someone who was okay with me, as I was at that moment. We adopted a child together, and he supported me when we realized she needed much more academically, emotionally and socially, and I needed to abandon my career and become a stay at home, homeschooling mom. Having a partner that just accepted me, as I am, was healing in and of itself.
I loved PunkRock with every fiber of my being. What he did to me is something I will feel in the depths of my soul, forever. It will echo there, and continue to do damage. I tried my hardest to help him with his demons, support his goals in life, and instead of being upfront, honest and accepting, he lied to my face and left me without attempting to even address whatever issues he was having at the time. He KNEW this would trigger my attachment problems, and destroy the progress I had made with my childhood trauma.
I may have loved him once, but I don’t love this version of who he is. Honestly, I don’t know him anymore.
I am grieving that loss profoundly, still. I have had so many deaths in rapid succession this year, it’s overwhelming. I try and try to numb myself to them, but I can’t. I feel things.
I haven’t found a therapist I trust yet. I am in a wait list now. I am doing daily meditations, speaking “Move Forward” as needed, and trying to focus on the positives I see everyday.
I desperately need a vacation! In Maryland, campgrounds are opening back up, so once it gets a tad warmer, I am leaving for a week long retreat in a cabin someplace and turning my phone off.
This month will be over soon. My kids will be moved out and settled in just a couple of weeks. MisterMoonbeam’s place will be cleared and he’ll be settled here completely in June. One by one, things are coming off the checklist. Once he starts contributing full time to the household (he makes more than DarkKnight) we are going to start throwing extra at all the unfinished projects around the house. We are discussing calmness in the near future, and it can’t get here fast enough.
When I start getting overwhelmed, I just breathe and try to remind myself that I am enough. I am more than enough. I’ve raised a bunch of money for the grandmother and her grandkids who were left behind. It’s not a huge amount, but it will be greatly appreciated.
I’m getting my shit together. It’s difficult, but it’s doable.
I have to say, 100%, that my 15 years with DarkKnight have been my best years. My childhood was full of trauma, my first marriage was me growing up and discovering that I couldn’t escape my childhood issues by building a world that didn’t face them. I used my ex as an escape from poverty, built myself up with 2 degrees, adopted 2 older children to make a family, and then realized I had failed to pick a partner who was willing to expand his horizons and actually experience life.
When I met DarkKnight, I truly found someone who was okay with me, as I was at that moment. We adopted a child together, and he supported me when we realized she needed much more academically, emotionally and socially, and I needed to abandon my career and become a stay at home, homeschooling mom. Having a partner that just accepted me, as I am, was healing in and of itself.
I loved PunkRock with every fiber of my being. What he did to me is something I will feel in the depths of my soul, forever. It will echo there, and continue to do damage. I tried my hardest to help him with his demons, support his goals in life, and instead of being upfront, honest and accepting, he lied to my face and left me without attempting to even address whatever issues he was having at the time. He KNEW this would trigger my attachment problems, and destroy the progress I had made with my childhood trauma.
I may have loved him once, but I don’t love this version of who he is. Honestly, I don’t know him anymore.
I am grieving that loss profoundly, still. I have had so many deaths in rapid succession this year, it’s overwhelming. I try and try to numb myself to them, but I can’t. I feel things.
I haven’t found a therapist I trust yet. I am in a wait list now. I am doing daily meditations, speaking “Move Forward” as needed, and trying to focus on the positives I see everyday.
I desperately need a vacation! In Maryland, campgrounds are opening back up, so once it gets a tad warmer, I am leaving for a week long retreat in a cabin someplace and turning my phone off.
This month will be over soon. My kids will be moved out and settled in just a couple of weeks. MisterMoonbeam’s place will be cleared and he’ll be settled here completely in June. One by one, things are coming off the checklist. Once he starts contributing full time to the household (he makes more than DarkKnight) we are going to start throwing extra at all the unfinished projects around the house. We are discussing calmness in the near future, and it can’t get here fast enough.
When I start getting overwhelmed, I just breathe and try to remind myself that I am enough. I am more than enough. I’ve raised a bunch of money for the grandmother and her grandkids who were left behind. It’s not a huge amount, but it will be greatly appreciated.
I’m getting my shit together. It’s difficult, but it’s doable.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I was able to drop off $400 to the grandma yesterday evening, and when I woke up this morning, I had raised another $200 for her grandchildren. This is what makes what I do worth it.
It’s beautiful out today. I’ve been busy, but it’s hard to feel down when the day is so nice.
It’s beautiful out today. I’ve been busy, but it’s hard to feel down when the day is so nice.
Bluebird
Well-known member
DarkKnight, MisterMoonbeam and I restarted the game Betrayal Legacy last night. It’s an $80 game, and you can only play through it once, as you destroy cards, add stickers and grow your characters as the narrative unfolds. The problem is that DarkKnight & I played 3 chapters with PunkRock. I didn’t want to chuck the game in the trash and have to buy a new one, so I spent an evening removing stickers, bagging up & labeling pieces and figuring out how to get it set back to level zero. It worked out great! The prologue has this crazy reveal and I knew that DarkKnight and I would be able to make it just as amazing for MisterMoonbeam if we followed his lead, so we did just that. MisterMoonbeam was in shock and was like, WOW! Lol We played the prologue and the first chapter, and all 3 of us were filled with regret that it was late and time for bed after. We plan to continue tonight!
We picked up dinner from a local bar and I drank a 32 ounce jar of Huckleberry Lemonade. I am hung over AF right now. I threw up this morning and I feel like I might die. I am going to shower right now and hope my body recovers so I can open the Box at 11 am! I am already closed Friday, Saturday & Sunday as I will be in Virginia to help MisterMoonbeam pack up his stuff some more. God I feel like death right now though. Ugh.
I am emotionally distraught right now too - a friend messaged me yesterday and asked me all sorts of questions about PunkRock. Also, our 5 year wedding anniversary is next week, so I am depressed and down about that. Sometimes I miss him so much, my body is physically hurting. My soul was ripped out when he left and if I start dwelling on thoughts, it doesn’t end well. Moving forward! Gotta keep repeating that. Moving forward.
Time to take a shower and hopefully shake off some of this hangover.
We picked up dinner from a local bar and I drank a 32 ounce jar of Huckleberry Lemonade. I am hung over AF right now. I threw up this morning and I feel like I might die. I am going to shower right now and hope my body recovers so I can open the Box at 11 am! I am already closed Friday, Saturday & Sunday as I will be in Virginia to help MisterMoonbeam pack up his stuff some more. God I feel like death right now though. Ugh.
I am emotionally distraught right now too - a friend messaged me yesterday and asked me all sorts of questions about PunkRock. Also, our 5 year wedding anniversary is next week, so I am depressed and down about that. Sometimes I miss him so much, my body is physically hurting. My soul was ripped out when he left and if I start dwelling on thoughts, it doesn’t end well. Moving forward! Gotta keep repeating that. Moving forward.
Time to take a shower and hopefully shake off some of this hangover.
Bluebird
Well-known member
In Virginia right now. Still packing up MisterMoonbeam’s place. I love him a little more each day, but I am so cautious. So cautious. I cried today because I feel like I’ve lost the trust I had left in my heart for anyone. I’m trying to build it back up but it is a struggle.
Since MisterMoonbeam has been healing from his back/leg issue, we’ve had no sex stuff at all for the last two weeks and I was really finding myself at odds and ends with that. Friday night in the hotel we finally reconnected and Saturday was like NRE got kicked back on. We were in bed a good part of the day - we did get our planned packing done but we had some fun times. Lol That said, he was in tears and anxious after packing, and I was later, after sex because something triggered me and I started reliving being discarded by PunkRock like I was trash. I wonder if he ever misses me or thinks of me, but then I tell myself that it doesn’t matter if he does, because it’s action that matters, and he’s not a man who takes action.
I found a rudi kaur poem that resonates:
it felt like you threw me
so far from myself
i’ve been trying to
find my way back
ever since
Yeah, that’s me. I wonder if I will ever find my way, if I will always just be muddling through, looking for the love that was torn out of my soul. I will never be the same, but maybe I will build a new me, eventually. I hope so. I don’t like the sad me. I want to be full of color again. MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight help.
The weather has been glorious.
Since MisterMoonbeam has been healing from his back/leg issue, we’ve had no sex stuff at all for the last two weeks and I was really finding myself at odds and ends with that. Friday night in the hotel we finally reconnected and Saturday was like NRE got kicked back on. We were in bed a good part of the day - we did get our planned packing done but we had some fun times. Lol That said, he was in tears and anxious after packing, and I was later, after sex because something triggered me and I started reliving being discarded by PunkRock like I was trash. I wonder if he ever misses me or thinks of me, but then I tell myself that it doesn’t matter if he does, because it’s action that matters, and he’s not a man who takes action.
I found a rudi kaur poem that resonates:
it felt like you threw me
so far from myself
i’ve been trying to
find my way back
ever since
Yeah, that’s me. I wonder if I will ever find my way, if I will always just be muddling through, looking for the love that was torn out of my soul. I will never be the same, but maybe I will build a new me, eventually. I hope so. I don’t like the sad me. I want to be full of color again. MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight help.
The weather has been glorious.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I wanted to post that I am pretty much done with OKC right now. Lots of messages and intros, but I don’t have space in my life for anyone else while my soul is still hurting. I have one guy - who I think I mentioned before - that I met on Facebook Dating. We met once and he stayed in his car while I stood on the sidewalk. We text almost every day. He asked me to go on a cruise with him in October to the Bahamas. He is paying the double occupancy rate on his room regardless, and he said he would like me to go with him. It’s funny because October is when MisterMoonbeam reserved the private beach house in the Outer Banks. We are going there the first two weeks of October. Well the cruise is the last week in October! I am not sure how this will work out but I have two new bathing suits so I am ready to go. Facebook Dating Guy says on our first date we can go get our passport photos together. Lol I need to do that anyway so no harm at that. I don’t plan on having any dates with him for another month at least - I am not venturing out with Corona, no matter what the governor allows! Plus, I’m really meh in my mind about allowing anyone into my heart and he is overeager. I like him well enough, but I am just not in the right headspace.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I am back from Virginia and we got a LOT done. MisterMoonbeam didn’t do much - he cried a lot and needed tender loving care. BugGirl and her boyfriend were packing rockstars on Friday, and we brought back a lot of stuff for BugGirl’s apartment. She was also promised an armoire and a complete bedroom suite. I think we are going to go back up this coming weekend, since Monday is a holiday. DarkKnight might come with me and MisterMoonbeam, and we’ll have a little vacation date of it for the 3 of us. We’ll see how the weather is I guess.
I joined a wine fairy group this past weekend And I already received two bottles of wine on my doorstep! There apparently is also a local Booze group that I was added to, and someone dropped of a raspberry Smirnoff with a bunch of treats! I didn’t realize that was going on. Lol I am not a huge drinker at all, so I gave the Smirnoff to MisterMoonbeam while we were playing Betrayal Legacy last night. I myself ran to the liquor store once we got home from Virginia, and I bought and distributed 3 bottles of my favorite - Cupcake Moscato d’Asti. It was super fun to drive up and ding-dong ditch to leave behind wine!
We are actually still waiting to hear if BugGirl got the apartment with my son. I am not really stressed about it - if it doesn’t happen, we’ll just have to shift and find something else. I am not looking forward to packing up my son’s place AT ALL, so I still am hoping for the best.
Today is going to be busy. The Blessing Box has been closed, so I have 3 days worth of donations piled on my overflow table. I have a church dropping off produce this afternoon, and I have a meal giveaway being scheduled this week. Someone already left 20 packs of bacon & breakfast sausage. I need to make space for pancake mix and syrup. I just posted this morning about our air conditioner needs - I think we distributed around 60 last summer and I already have a double digit request list! If anyone reading this would like to sponsor an AC unit, I would love you forever.
Time to shower!
I joined a wine fairy group this past weekend And I already received two bottles of wine on my doorstep! There apparently is also a local Booze group that I was added to, and someone dropped of a raspberry Smirnoff with a bunch of treats! I didn’t realize that was going on. Lol I am not a huge drinker at all, so I gave the Smirnoff to MisterMoonbeam while we were playing Betrayal Legacy last night. I myself ran to the liquor store once we got home from Virginia, and I bought and distributed 3 bottles of my favorite - Cupcake Moscato d’Asti. It was super fun to drive up and ding-dong ditch to leave behind wine!
We are actually still waiting to hear if BugGirl got the apartment with my son. I am not really stressed about it - if it doesn’t happen, we’ll just have to shift and find something else. I am not looking forward to packing up my son’s place AT ALL, so I still am hoping for the best.
Today is going to be busy. The Blessing Box has been closed, so I have 3 days worth of donations piled on my overflow table. I have a church dropping off produce this afternoon, and I have a meal giveaway being scheduled this week. Someone already left 20 packs of bacon & breakfast sausage. I need to make space for pancake mix and syrup. I just posted this morning about our air conditioner needs - I think we distributed around 60 last summer and I already have a double digit request list! If anyone reading this would like to sponsor an AC unit, I would love you forever.
Time to shower!
Bluebird
Well-known member
My Facebook post this morning:
Today would have been my 5-year wedding anniversary to PunkRock. It’s interesting - all of the photo memories popping up have had zero impact on my heart. Rereading my vows, I can say 100%, I stuck to them. I never broke a promise.
What hurts is not the pictures. It’s the thoughts of what could have been - what I wanted my life to look like. However, those all revolve around PunkRock being a different person.
When someone tells you who they are, accept the statement with caution. When someone shows you who they are, believe that instead.
I have had six affirmations in my life for as long as I can remember. I mostly repeat them to myself in my head, every morning when I get up. Sometimes I say them silently when I need a reminder during the day. All of them apply here.
I take charge of my life.
I respond instead of react.
I forgive myself.
I choose to be happy.
All false messages about me are now dissolved with total grace.
I forgive every person who has ever undermined my self esteem.
Repeating makes it real. I’m focused on my future now, and though it’s only been a couple of months since the split, I am moving towards change in as positive a manner as I can.
My direction is not away from PunkRock. I refuse to even put him into the description.
My future Is toward the best possible me. I choose to be happy, y’all.
Today would have been my 5-year wedding anniversary to PunkRock. It’s interesting - all of the photo memories popping up have had zero impact on my heart. Rereading my vows, I can say 100%, I stuck to them. I never broke a promise.
What hurts is not the pictures. It’s the thoughts of what could have been - what I wanted my life to look like. However, those all revolve around PunkRock being a different person.
When someone tells you who they are, accept the statement with caution. When someone shows you who they are, believe that instead.
I have had six affirmations in my life for as long as I can remember. I mostly repeat them to myself in my head, every morning when I get up. Sometimes I say them silently when I need a reminder during the day. All of them apply here.
I take charge of my life.
I respond instead of react.
I forgive myself.
I choose to be happy.
All false messages about me are now dissolved with total grace.
I forgive every person who has ever undermined my self esteem.
Repeating makes it real. I’m focused on my future now, and though it’s only been a couple of months since the split, I am moving towards change in as positive a manner as I can.
My direction is not away from PunkRock. I refuse to even put him into the description.
My future Is toward the best possible me. I choose to be happy, y’all.
Bluebird
Well-known member
This month I’ve been focusing on the first part of our basement suite makeover - the closet. DarkKnight and I have put in a new floor and new closet systems. I’ve got new lighting, we have a fun standing divider between the bedroom & the closet, and there’s now a chair here to sit and put on socks. DarkKnight picked out some storage bins for his solid color tshirts too. Today I am moving down my 5-foot bracelet holder into its space, and I am taking measurements to find an area rug to frame out the room.
The one wall used to have paneling on it, but we took it off when the house was first purchased. This weekend, MisterMoonbeam promised to nail up some white beadboard to make it look nice and finished off. I’m super excited about it! This evening I am going to take the measurements needed.
I am still figuring out how I want the ceiling to look in this area, but I know I want it different than the bedroom space. I am going to hopefully make this decision by the weekend so it can get ordered.
When we first started working on this space, I felt a little sad. This is where PunkRock used to call home, and he had a lot of plans. However, he decided to leave before it was finished. Now I get to make it amazing in the way *I* want, and at this point, I am super excited to see it coming together!
The one wall used to have paneling on it, but we took it off when the house was first purchased. This weekend, MisterMoonbeam promised to nail up some white beadboard to make it look nice and finished off. I’m super excited about it! This evening I am going to take the measurements needed.
I am still figuring out how I want the ceiling to look in this area, but I know I want it different than the bedroom space. I am going to hopefully make this decision by the weekend so it can get ordered.
When we first started working on this space, I felt a little sad. This is where PunkRock used to call home, and he had a lot of plans. However, he decided to leave before it was finished. Now I get to make it amazing in the way *I* want, and at this point, I am super excited to see it coming together!