BelleRose
New member
I first joined this forum for support, and I'm so glad I did.
I don't think my partner is who I thought they were. I am torn as to how to proceed.
On a previous post of mine someone warned me about triangulation, which I was floored to read because I realized it was happening all the time. I'd been playing right into it before I realized what it was. When I set a major boundary that should have ended it I still didn't believe this was happening. Until I saw attempts to continue it in different ways. Once I was aware I started drawing more protective lines to prevent this, only to see new behaviors emerge. Like gaslighting, blame shifting and projection.
I've tried to confront these things directly as I believed, and still believe it seems, that I am dealing with a person who is deeply well meaning but - albeit unknowingly - insecure, but not malicious. I didn't immediately think this realization would change our relationship or my intentions.
But lately I feel...like I'm being controlled. Or rather, that there are attempts being made to control me. The latest attempt being guilt.
I feel, constantly, that my partner is looking for me to do and say things that right now are not coming naturally to me at all. I worry that direct approaches won't work and will only galvanize more circular arguments and opportunities to force me into apologizing for supposed wrongs.
I want to remain positive. I don't want to attack anyone's personality but I'm also becoming worried for my own sanity. I was involved with a narcissist before, and this feeling of constant...pressure? Pushing, pulling, being met with hostility or withdrawal if I don't do what is expected of me. Apologies that seem...empty and kind of procedural. Declarations of feelings that are clearly an invitation for me to mirror them. It's starting to feel familiar, and what began as a small nagging feeling is becoming a full blown red sea of flags.
But because of that past experience, I'm not sure what to do that won't cause more drama. More fuel. More damage.
In just trying to take some much needed space to allow things to cool down so I can think clearly, I've already been met with that feeling of not being able to do anything right. If I'm polite, I'm met with short, curt responses just begging me to ask what is wrong. If I reciprocate or comply with the affection that's being phished for, I'm met with even more phishing. When I finally say look, this is uncomfortable and here's why - boom. The bomb detonates, as if everything leading up to this point was just an excuse to get me to trigger what was always intending to come out.
I don't know what to do. I'm reluctant to accept that this is really happening and I keep looking at myself and thinking...maybe it's me? Maybe it isn't him, maybe I'm really doing the things he says or maybe there was some kind of problem besides his behavior and his own self fulfilling prophecy.
Or maybe I'm being gaslit. Because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Second guess myself? Apologies? Adhere to my conditioning and avoid perfectly reasonable, long established behaviors?
So in a way it's already working. And this is far enough.
If I suspect I'm being gaslit, and a whole other host of things, even if the person is well meaning and is just insecure...that doesn't make it necessary for me to get pulled into their inner turmoil and suffer in it.
How do I get out without getting burned?
I don't think my partner is who I thought they were. I am torn as to how to proceed.
On a previous post of mine someone warned me about triangulation, which I was floored to read because I realized it was happening all the time. I'd been playing right into it before I realized what it was. When I set a major boundary that should have ended it I still didn't believe this was happening. Until I saw attempts to continue it in different ways. Once I was aware I started drawing more protective lines to prevent this, only to see new behaviors emerge. Like gaslighting, blame shifting and projection.
I've tried to confront these things directly as I believed, and still believe it seems, that I am dealing with a person who is deeply well meaning but - albeit unknowingly - insecure, but not malicious. I didn't immediately think this realization would change our relationship or my intentions.
But lately I feel...like I'm being controlled. Or rather, that there are attempts being made to control me. The latest attempt being guilt.
I feel, constantly, that my partner is looking for me to do and say things that right now are not coming naturally to me at all. I worry that direct approaches won't work and will only galvanize more circular arguments and opportunities to force me into apologizing for supposed wrongs.
I want to remain positive. I don't want to attack anyone's personality but I'm also becoming worried for my own sanity. I was involved with a narcissist before, and this feeling of constant...pressure? Pushing, pulling, being met with hostility or withdrawal if I don't do what is expected of me. Apologies that seem...empty and kind of procedural. Declarations of feelings that are clearly an invitation for me to mirror them. It's starting to feel familiar, and what began as a small nagging feeling is becoming a full blown red sea of flags.
But because of that past experience, I'm not sure what to do that won't cause more drama. More fuel. More damage.
In just trying to take some much needed space to allow things to cool down so I can think clearly, I've already been met with that feeling of not being able to do anything right. If I'm polite, I'm met with short, curt responses just begging me to ask what is wrong. If I reciprocate or comply with the affection that's being phished for, I'm met with even more phishing. When I finally say look, this is uncomfortable and here's why - boom. The bomb detonates, as if everything leading up to this point was just an excuse to get me to trigger what was always intending to come out.
I don't know what to do. I'm reluctant to accept that this is really happening and I keep looking at myself and thinking...maybe it's me? Maybe it isn't him, maybe I'm really doing the things he says or maybe there was some kind of problem besides his behavior and his own self fulfilling prophecy.
Or maybe I'm being gaslit. Because that's what I'm supposed to do, right? Second guess myself? Apologies? Adhere to my conditioning and avoid perfectly reasonable, long established behaviors?
So in a way it's already working. And this is far enough.
If I suspect I'm being gaslit, and a whole other host of things, even if the person is well meaning and is just insecure...that doesn't make it necessary for me to get pulled into their inner turmoil and suffer in it.
How do I get out without getting burned?
