Gay / Poly / Gay

[C J]

Morning Group,

Hoping for some inside information on what I’m going through. Will make it short.
Been with my partner (main one ) for nearly 35 years. But around 13 years back, another guy ( just happened this way) came into the life of ours. My main partner I feel has no interest in me anymore, and always tells me he feels like the 3rd wheel here. The 2nd guy that came into our relationship loved having intimacy with me, and less with him. (And when he did, he felt not the same way as with me.) There is a lot more to it all, but that’s it in a nutshell. The issues are as follows :

* Main partner has not had sex with me for over 6 years. (And I know I still have not a bad look or body for my age.) But the other guy and him have sex together.

* When I have had sex with other, my main partner sneaks around to try to catch him out in the act giving me one , and makes me feel sick in the stomach and frustrated, to say the least. I have NEVER tried to “catch” them out, other than once to prove a point, in all this time.

* I have told my partner of near 35 years that I have needs and feels still, and if you have NO desire to be intimate with me anymore, about needs, and if you're not allowing me to have 1 on 1 with other guy, I’m still a sexually active bloke, and will look outside of our relationship of safety for another bloke to have intimacy with. BUT DEEP IN MY HEART I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. He has said NO, I don’t want you to do that.

But yet he still makes me feel like shit if I do with it with other , to the point I now have hidden myself in the other end of house, withdrawn, angry, anxious, stomach churning and upset, and very much lost and somewhat scared. Now I have even stop talking to them both. I KNOW THAT'S NOT RIGHT EITHER, BUT I'M LISTENING TO MY BODY AND MIND.

What the hell do I do?

The other was so much more considerate in his wording and care, at the beginning. But in last few years he hasn’t been the person that I first met. I guess he might be feeling a bit over the barrel, as well. (I know too that I’m not the same either.) I’m not closed-minded, nobody is perfect…

* It’s like it’s “What’s good for the goose, is not good for the gander." ( 2 two standards, and very hypocritical in my mind is ) … I have now started to feel my partner shows resentment to me, and goes out of his way to make sure we are never alone together! (even rushing home from work to keep eye on me/us.)

I have said to my partner, you're in love with , and nothing towards me. He said NO, I’m not, but he said, "I do find him attractive tho." I’m like, "WTF? Yes, so do I. But why do you do what you do? It will only make you go crazy!!!"

"Yes, I have made mistakes. I own that, but it’s been within our place of safety! So show some compassion and respect, as I have done for you." He agrees, but then gets worse, in my mind.

* I don’t need NEG comments, please. (I’m fucked up already ) Just want to be loved and respected along with being appreciated and intimate. PLEASE don’t just say get out of there. (Otherwise I would have, as it's been going on for some time.) It’s just all bullshit.

My partner states to me he’s going on Viagra to help towards having sex with me, but here he is giving it and putting it out to the other guy !! The other guy even told him, go have sex with your partner (ME) , and he just changes the chat! I also told other off for saying that, as that has nothing to do with him. I just feel like they both talk about me know, and have so much more involvement together, as I’m in the other side of house, on my own, away from what I feel can be toxic at times. But I needed my own space.

* The other guy is pretty good regarding telling me what’s said and the truth (and I thank him for his honesty), but it still hurts so much, from them both. This is not so much about my partner having sex with me or the other, it’s more so directed to he does NOT!! It makes me feel like crap and unwanted to know he prefer other over me. Now I’m alone in my room other end of house, and the other is still trying to chat and make conversation with me, but it’s feeling different, just not the same. In the last few weeks I have changed in my brain, and feel so lost and lonely, not game to do anything.

Sorry my post is all over the place. I am just typing to what’s going through my mind as I type.

I don’t know what to do!!! I don’t want to be on my own (never have been). I’m feeling empty and exhausted emotionally…

(P.S I forgot, my partner has even opened the other's mobile phone and read the dirty messages to me, and took a photo of it with his phone) and in my head is finding like evidence to something more sinister in the future! I now lock my room, as he went through it at some point and found my sex toy, and questioned me about it. He heard me use it at some point, and told other about it. Funny in some ways, but WTF?

Oh my god. Just shooting. I am bloody good-looking handsome bloke, I would say, I think anyways, and not stuck up how after 35 years together with partner and near 15 years with it can be like this. I find it

Australia

 

[Bobbi]

I don't have time for an in depth reply right now but wanted to say this sounds very stressful and isolating. I'm sorry you are going through this!

I'm wondering if you could choose fake names to put to your partners to make it easier to read and talk about? You can pick colors or fruit or animals...just something to differentiate them.

You'll get some good feedback soon enough

 

[kdt26417]

Hello C J,

I will not tell you what to do, but I will point out that your 35-year partner is not treating you fairly. If he is not interested in you, then he should be willing to let you be with the other guy. Everyone has wants and needs, you are not wrong to have yours. That's all I can tell you for now.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

So your one partner is Peach and the other is Strawberry. It sounds like you all live together but have separate bedrooms. You are keeping to one end of the house to be away from Peach. You even have to lock your door to achieve a bit of privacy and security. This is not good.

You're in a triad, but the feelings are unequal. That is to be expected, and is almost always the case. You really can't expect all feelings of compatibility and desire to be exactly equal between three unique human beings.

It sounds like both you and Peach desire Strawberry. Peach does not desire you and has not wanted to have sex with you in at least six years. He just wants Strawberry. But even though Peach doesn't desire you anymore, he's envious because Strawberry seemingly desires you more than Strawberry desires Peach.

Peach does not respect you and goes through your room, your phone, copying messages, mocking you for using a sex toy (!). The hell?

You say Strawberry came into your's and Peaches lives. It might help to think of the relationships as separate. There are four relationships in a triad.

You+Peach
You+Strawberry
Peach+Strawberry
All three of you together

Maybe it's time to call it quits with Peach. 35 years was a good run. Maybe you've grown apart, and it's time to make that formal and stop living together and stop imagining you're a couple. All I see is resentment and envy and poor boundaries and fighting.

What happens between you and SB is your own business. It's immature and embarrassing for Peach to be spying and lurking around trying to catch you and SB having sex. It's undignified of Peach to be doing that.

I'd say it's time to change living arrangements so Peach can't be lurking about spying, and you don't have to hide in fear and anxiety. I don't know if each bloke needs his own place, or what. Everything sounds toxic.

BTW, your good looks have nothing to do with anything, haha. But congrats on keeping in shape.

 

[C J]

Thanking you all thus far for your replies. Some honest points made. I too have been tossing up some of them myself.

I’m in mixed emotions and minds over a few things right now. To also answer one of the above questions. YES, we all have our own rooms, and this took place originally over 6 years ago due to my partner , snoring so bloody loud, and my irregular sleeping pattern, causing me to turn the TV on and stay up for hours. So doing what I thought is a nice respectful thing, was to move into my own room. ( used to always complain about the TV on, “Turn it off.")

As to my comments on “my looks," I would like to add, it may not have been clear, sorry, I hear what your saying and agree with you, it was more directed to saying there is nothing wrong with my looks towards my partner not wanting to be intimate with me. But it hurts so bad to know I have offered myself a few times, but nothing. Then other tells him to go have some nice intimacy time together, and he changes subject, but then does other later on. That hurts so much. (And to tell me to my face, "I’m taking Viagra to help perform," but looks to me he performs well with other . )

 

[MoPoly]

I don’t need NEG comments, please. (I’m fucked up already ) Just want to be loved and respected along with being appreciated and intimate. PLEASE don’t just say get out of there. (Otherwise I would have, as it's been going on for some time.) It’s just all bullshit.

I didn’t reply earlier out of respect for your requests for no negative comments and not to say “get out of there”. However, I keep coming back to your post because I am genuinely concerned for you. The situation sounds extremely toxic, psychologically abusive and not good for your emotional or mental health.

Peach is treating you with complete disregard and a lack of any love, feeling, compassion, care or respect. He sounds like a very controlling, manipulative and sinister person and is certainly acting like one.

Strawberry sounds as if he was nice but is now either cowed into submission, tiring of the toxicity so stopped making an effort, has become emotionally numb, or is trapped too and waiting for an exit.

All communication in the triad has broken down except for pleas for help, responded to by negative, unkind comments and, worse, shaming. It would be a hard heart not to feel deeply touched by your account of life at this point.

I hear you do not want to be told to leave but I have to ask “What do you gain by staying?”

You hope that love, respect, appreciation, and intimacy can be found in this polycule but these come only if all the parties in a relationship want to do that and put the effort in. It does not sound as if Peach is willing or wants to explore this and after 35 years I doubt if he is going to have a personality transplant either.

If you don’t want to leave (and even if you changed your mind and did), you really must find a poly/gay-friendly counsellor to support you - please, please, please. Ideally, two. One for you to speak to - regardless of any effort to engage by the other two; and another - if your partners were willing to engage - to help you all unravel and repair the terrible dynamics of the polycule. Without support you will continue to slowly go mad as this is a cruel, toxic, shaming relationship to be trapped in.

Personally… yes I would leave. I wouldn’t treat any human or animal in the way that Peach treats you and I wouldn’t hang around to be treated like that either. You are worth more, I promise that. It’s hard to find the value in ourselves when ground down by decades of psychological abuse but you do have value, many wonderful attributes (despite the negging) and you do deserve so much better. Oh, SO much better. Good luck x

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanking you all thus far for your replies. Some honest points made. I too have been tossing up some of them myself.

I’m in mixed emotions and minds over a few things right now. To also answer one of the above questions. YES, we all have our own rooms, and this took place originally over 6 years ago due to my partner , snoring so bloody loud, and my irregular sleeping pattern, causing me to turn the TV on and stay up for hours. So doing what I thought is a nice respectful thing, was to move into my own room. ( used to always complain about the TV on, “Turn it off”.")

Nothing wrong with couples each having their own bedrooms for whatever reason. It happens more often that you might think. Especially in poly, if a V or triad is sharing a home, each person having their own space can make the most sense.

As to my comments on “my looks," I would like to add, it may not have been clear, sorry, I hear what your saying and agreeing with you, it was more directed to saying there's nothing wrong with my looks towards my partner not wanting to be intimate with me.

Oh, I get it now. Thanks.

It hurts so bad to know I have offered myself a few times, but nothing, then other tells him to go have some nice intimate time together, and he changes subject, but then doss other later on. That hurts so much. (And to tell me to my face, "I’m taking Viagra to help perform," but looks to me he performs well with other . )

Sorry I skimmed over where you said not to tell you to leave. I was so appalled by this situation, that was just my gut reaction.

Why would you want to stay, other than force of habit?

As for Peach not needing Viagra to get it up for Strawberry, but either needing it for you, or just not wanting sex at all, that must hurt, a lot. But it does seem like maybe Peach's feelings for you changed when Strawberry came on the scene. Maybe Peach isn't actually poly, and fell out of love with you when he fell for SB. Or maybe there are a dozen other reasons... We don't know.

In any case, this sounds like a toxic situation and individual and/or couples counseling would probably be a great idea.

 

[kdt26417]

That sounds pretty bad, I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't think you are at fault. It's more like, your relationship with Peach has been going downhill for a long time, and things are now coming to a head. It's possible you will reach a point where you really have no choice but to leave. In the meantime I suppose you will stick around, under an enormous load of pressure. I can see that you have compelling reasons to stay. I just hate to see you caught in a situation where you can never catch a break. Definitely get some professional help for this.